Christmas 2009

Christmas 2009 was a memorable and magical one.  We were blessed with 8 inches of snow in Oklahoma to give us a beautiful White Christmas.  There is just something wonderful about a White Christmas. 

We had a chance to go to Great Wolf Lodge the night before we drove into Oklahoma.  I got word of the snow storm (make that a blizzard) that was coming and drove back home from Grapevine to get winter wear for the kids before we left.  It ended up being a good call because they really used all their snow gear that I went back for.  Score one for mom!

Great Wolf Lodge was a very sweet time with Brian's family.  I feel fortunate to have a good relationship with them and my kids truly enjoy spending time with their cousins.  We had a total group of 17 running amuck in the hotel.  It was memorable, fun and LOUD!

Christmas Eve was spent with my family.  We rushed through the dinner to open presents so that family could leave before the roads got too bad.  Both my brother and sister had a hard time getting home and could not get in their driveway.  I was thankful I didn't have to go anywhere that night.

Christmas Day we spent with Brian's family.  Brian's dad called and offered to come get me and the kids so that we didn't have to drive on the bad roads.  I was glad he did because the roads were pretty dicey.  We spent the whole day with them and enjoyed most every minute of it (minus the few squabbles the kids got into over who was to sit where).  

I drove back yesterday so that I could be home for church today.  It was a nice, quiet evening and I have enjoyed some "me" time today.  I went to downtown Fort Worth and did some shopping.  I was given a gift certificate (last Fall) that had to be used in Sundance Square so I enjoyed hanging out at the Starbucks/Barnes and Noble bookstore for a while this afternoon.  Interestingly and surprisingly,  I ended up in a conversation with someone there that was enjoyable.  I'll leave it at that.  You just never know what a day holds.

I'm home by myself for a couple of days.  I'm going to enjoy it and drink up the silence.  The kids are spending time with my parents in Oklahoma.  They are loving the snow there!

I'm thankful for this Christmas season...it was sweet and memorable...for that I am grateful.

It's Done!

I closed today on the commercial property. It was interesting driving through Granbury, over to the title office in Acton, and to the bank in Granbury. It brought back memories of Brian's dreams. He had a business in Acton for a while and the town was barely recognizeable. In Granbury, I couldn't find the bank. I finally had to call and get direcions because I hadn't been to the bank since dad and I were there a few weeks after Brian's death. When I got there nothing seemed familiar. Nothing. I guess I was completely out of it when we were there because it was almost confusing how disoriented I was in relation to where the bank was and what it looked like on the inside. I even asked the teller if this was a new location. She looked at me like I was an idiot. I am sure she was thinking "I better check the I.D. on this girl because she doesn't even know where she is at." I closed out the account today. I can't tell you how good that felt.

I no longer have anyone's business but my own to take care of. I can live with that. I no longer have to take calls about building issues, or hunt down my tenants for their rent check, or meet with contractors to address issues with the building, or worry about what new city code they may try to force me to meet, or watch the radar to see if a flood is coming through Granbury, or go online to the bank and check my balance only to see that they haven't paid their rent yet, or anything!!!!!!!

The sign went up November 4th. We closed on December 21st. I'd say that was a Christmas miracle. I'll take it. The economy is in the toilet, there are vacant buildings in Granbury that have been on the market for over a year....and my building sells and closes within 6 weeks. Only God can do that. I am grateful for the way He answered my prayers.

Thanks be to God!

Struggling to stay in the Christmas Spirit

I can't put my finger on it but I am just struggling this year to really enjoy the process of getting ready for Christmas with my kids.  I did some shopping today but it wasn't any fun and I had to work hard at making myself spend money.

Am I down? Yes.   Depressed?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.  Should I be?  No.  Life is very good.  God has blessed our family in many, many ways this year.  Still, I am down.  Feeling ambivalent about giving...which usually is one of my favorite things to do.  In my head, I know I shouldn't be depressed.  There are so many things I can be thankful for.   However, my emotions tell a different story.  I'm sad.  Not all the time...just when things slow down or I am by myself...then I feel this heavy sadness.  When I'm around other people I can be happy and I can be productive.  

I miss having someone to go shopping with me...someone to get excited about putting Christmas together for the kids....someone to carry the big toys out of the store or put stuff together the night before.  I miss doing life with someone besides myself.  Maybe that's it.  Christmas is magnifying what is missing...

I don't like doing life alone.

Maybe that's why I am struggling. 

I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about me....or about what is missing....it's about God's great gift to the world.   God help me focus on you.....help me see beyond myself....give me your sense of peace and purpose....for that, I will be so grateful.

Black Friday

For the past five Black Friday's I have visited Brian's grave.  The first year I went to the cemetery I walked around struggling to find his grave.  I had not visited there since the burial on June 21, 2005.  His headstone was not in place yet and I found it very difficult to remember anything about the location where the burial was.  There was an older couple walking around the cemetery that day.  As I watched them walk around I muttered to myself, "I'm too young to be visiting my husband's grave".  After several attempts to find his grave, I began to feel guilty.  I thought to myself, "What kind of wife doesn't know where her own husband's grave is?"  When I finally found it I dropped to my knees and began weeping.  I was alone, my family didn't know I had slipped off to go to the cemetery.  I will never forget that day.  It was a cruel reminder of the finality of his death.

Yesterday, I took Braden with me to visit Brian's grave.  We drove right to it.  I know exactly where it is, I know the landmarks to find it, the road to turn down to get there...it's familiar.  As is our custom, he put his hands on the headstone to see how much he had grown.  His hand continues to become larger and larger in relation to how small it was when he was two years old.  As I watched him touch it I was thankful for Brian's legacy of love.  Brian left a clear path for the kids to follow.  They have no doubts about whether their dad loved them.  They have no doubts about his character or faith.  I'm thankful for that, truly thankful.

Each year when I go to his grave it seems to get a little easier.....it's a familiar place of emotion and memories....I'm finding that life continues to push me forward and that his gift of love to me and the kids provides a certain amount of inspiration to make sure we are "more than just ok".  I think he would mostly be proud of us...proud of how we've managed....proud of how we still honor him.  He was a great man....for his life, I am extremely and profoundly grateful.

Count Your Blessings....Name them one by one....

I wanted to take a few minutes to "count my blessings".  Thanksgiving provides a mental cue for me to stop and consider all that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Here is my list for 2009:

1.  I'm thankful for new beginnings, endings, and detours.  God uses everything in my life to teach me about His character and presence.  I'm especially thankful that another semester has just about come to a close.  I emailed off my paper last night and finished up a video/powerpoint presentation tonight.  

2.  I'm thankful for my parents.  My mom has been incredible to me this fall.  There is no way I would have made it through all the events/trips/expectations/school demands had she not come to rescue me several times.  My dad has given me room to make decisions but has also provided timeless wisdom and insight when I needed it.  A couple of weeks ago he told me he was proud of me and all that I was accomplishing.  His words are so powerful in my life.  Thank you God for my mom and dad.  Keep them healthy and safe and may they be a part of my life for many years to come.

3.  I'm thankful for my kids and the way they inspire me to "swing for the fence".  I love the way Nathan works hard at school and is driven to excellence.  Lexi is a joy to be around and her tender faith is a huge blessing in my life.  Every day when I look at Braden I am reminded of Brian.  I love that he looks just like him.  I love his smile.  My kids are a gift, a treasured, precious gift.  Thank you God, Thank you God.

4.  I'm thankful for opportunities to stretch and grow.   I count it a privilege and joy to be able to go back to school and learn.  I get jazzed about the things I am learning.  If I could, I would go to school for the rest of my life....I love learning...absolutely love the process of learning.

5.  I'm thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.  We are blessed.  Thank you God for your provision and faithfulness.

6.  I'm thankful for hot showers, bubble baths, caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, long walks on beautiful Fall days, family time, summer vacations, a job I love, a great elementary school for my kids to attend, the support of our local church family and friends who know me well and love me anyways.

7.  I'm thankful for affirmation that helps me see God's work in my life.  I'm thankful for those people who speak words of affirmation to me when I most need it.

8.  I'm thankful for a beautiful home and wonderful neighbors.  

9.  I'm thankful for music and the songs God has used to speak to me this year.  

10.  I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ....who brings beauty from ashes.

High Points, Perspective, and Peace

This past Sunday I participated in a cardboard testimony service.  At some point there will be a video and I will post it here.  However, for now, I wanted to get down some of my thoughts about that experience.  First of all, it felt like a very natural expression of God's grace in my life.  I had no problem doing and felt honored to participate.  Lexi was also a part of it (by her choice).  After it was over I had several people thank me for being willing to do it.  One lady told me I was very "brave" to do it.  Other people commented on Lexi's participation and indicated her part in it brought them to tears.  Honestly, it wasn't a "brave" thing to do.  It was just the "right" thing to do.  God has been faithful to me and the kids, He deserves the credit and I wanted to give Him that glory.  In the second (of four total) service I was caught off guard and incredibly moved when (at the end of the song) the congregation rose to their feet to clap.  I never expected it would illicit such a response.  When I began to see people standing and clapping I was overcome (internally) by God's presence and encouragement.  It's a moment I will never forget.  I managed to keep most of my emotions in check but I was moved to a level I haven't experienced in a long, long time.   It was definitely a high point for me.  I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony of God's amazing grace in my life.

Today, I had the opportunity to share my story with a group of ladies who are in our Job Corps program.  I used the theme of "perspective" to talk about how limited our view of God's work in our life is.  We played a game where they were to guess some "mystery" pictures. The pictures were close-ups of random objects and they were to try to determine what the picture was based on the close-up.  It provided the example of how little we see and know of God's big picture in our life.  None of them were able to guess all the pictures.  As a matter of fact, their accuracy was dismal.  In the same way, none of us are able to accurately judge God's work in our life because we see such a limited, finite view.  The God of eternity sees us as we someday will be, and there is no way for us to draw conclusions based only on what we see now.  It was a sweet time and a growing time for me.  I'm becoming more and more comfortable telling my story and sharing how God is bringing beauty from the ashes of my life.  Again, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be able to speak of His goodness.....and, I'm extremely grateful to be where I am at and not where I was at four years ago.  Yeah God!

Peace.  For the past few days I have been at peace with the issues surrounding my building in Granbury.  It's almost unexplainable how much peace I have about it right now.  This weekend, I was consumed by it, today I am able to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.  I'm praying that God will close the door if it isn't the right decision for me.  And, if He does close it, I can be grateful for that...truly grateful...and at peace.  

The kids and I will be (and are) more than just ok....of this I am certain....

Just Hanging Around...

My Inspiration and Motivation

I picked up our Christmas pictures today from Chantel.  I have about 200 pics to choose from.  I am sure many of them will find their way onto my blog at some point.  This is one of my favorites...just love it!

My kids are my inspiration and motivation to keep going even when I'd like to quit.  I'm grateful God has blessed me their lives.

A Child's Grief

All the books tell you that children grieve in bits and pieces.  They aren't able to make sense of all that they lost at the time of the loss.  So, as they grow and mature and realize what they lost, they continue the grief process.

Lexi had a grief moment tonight.  It was more than a moment...it was one of her more emotional expressions of her loss.

We finished a long book last night about a little girl whose dad was in a car wreck and she was trying to get to him to "wake him up".  It was a really cute book and the ending was perfect (she was able to wake him up).  I asked her about it tonight.  I asked her what she would have said if she had a chance to talk to her dad before he died.

At first she deflected the question.  But, then she started to think about it and she began to cry.  

I held her as she laid in bed and cried...and sobbed....and her tears fell onto my face and joined mine.  I told her to let it out....and that I still cried sometimes too....and that it was ok.  I held her until she stopped several minutes later.

We talked about it some more.  I told her that I asked the question because I thought she might be thinking about that when she was reading the book last night.  I was just wanting to hear what she thought....instead, it opened up some emotion and feeling.

I think it was a healthy thing for us to do that.  It reminded me of how much more grieving she has to do....and it gave her a chance to release some of the emotion.

There's a part of me that wishes my kids could find an ending point to their grief.  It seems unfair to ask them to carry this burden for the rest of their life.  It's not that I want them to "get over it".  It's that I want them to get some relief from it and be able to integrate the loss into their life.  I know they are many years away from that....and that hurts me to think about all the tears that have yet to be shed.  

God help me be there when they need to cry...help them to feel open to grieve...and may I be an instrument of Your healing in their lives.

Saturday....ahhhhh!

No soccer game+beautiful weather=Relaxing and Productive Saturday!

We had a bye this week so there was nothing on our schedule today.  As a result, it felt like a mini vacation.  We had a nice, relaxing day.  The kids were happy to be at home and we accomplished only the things we wanted to!

From snuggling on the couch watching cartoons....to playing basketball on the driveway....to reading 86 pages to Lexi and finishing a 337 page book we have been working on for about two weeks....to cooking a great family favorite meal for dinner...it was ALL good!

The only thing I ditched that I felt a little guilty about was the school carnival.  The kids expressed an interest in going earlier in the week but didn't mention it today.  So, we didn't go.  Part of it is that I am tapped out from all their school activities and field trips...but part of it is that it is no fun to take 3 kids to a carnival by yourself.  There is nothing fun about trying to manage three kids and their tickets and prizes and food and everything else all by yourself!  Similar to the Boo Bash, I just couldn't make myself go....and I guess that's ok.

Oh, the productive part for me...I am now on page 19 of the paper I am writing...only 11 to go.  The kids played outside for a while this afternoon and I was able to get 4 more pages written....it's all down hill from here and I am very pumped and relieved about that!

On a side note, I've got some heavy things on my heart and mind right now.  I'm trying to process difficult issues and need wisdom in knowing how to do that.  I really miss Brian for that...I know I've posted about this a million times...but, it is so hard to do life on your own with no one to help you sort through thoughts and feelings.  I've learned that I work through my issues by verbalizing them....it's kind of hard to do that with no one to listen.  

For a beautiful Saturday...I'm thankful...and grateful.

Fall Ramblings

I'm amazed that we are now officially in November.  Wow.  This Fall has been one of the craziest seasons I have ever experienced.  Life has been overwhelmingly busy.  The pace has begun to slow down (thankfully) but I fear this is only the calm before the Holiday storm.  It makes me cringe to think that we are within just a few days of heading full steam ahead into Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The kids each snagged an award at the Nine Weeks Award Ceremony at their school.  Nathan and Lexi got "integrity" awards and Braden got a "compassion" award.  I'm proud of them (as if that wasn't already obvious from the last post).  We celebrated their report cards and awards on Friday night with dinner at Outback.  YUM!

Today marked the official first step into the journey of the empty commercial building in Granbury.  I shared with the kids tonight during Family Time that we needed to pray that God would provide a buyer or renter for my building.  They had lots of questions.  My main focus was not for them to worry about it, just to pray about it.  I'm definitely praying about it.  I still have a peace about it and know that God is God and His provision never fails.  I'm trusting in that, but making adjustments where I can. 

We talked during family time tonight about "wisdom" versus "foolishness".  We are either wise or foolish in our decisions.  If I could somehow impart this truth to my kids and help them apply it in their lives, I know they would find God's best for their life in whatever they do.  Later, I heard Lexi telling Braden, "is that a wise or foolish thing to do?" when he was about to smear something on the couch.  Gotta love it when they immediately apply something....

Last night was a lot of fun as we took the kids trick or treating around the neighborhood.  I felt some guilt because we weren't at the Boo Bash in Old Town Burleson.  However, based upon the experience we had last year, I couldn't force myself to take the kids back.  I miss the more controlled environment (seriously, I don't want to see adults dressed inappropriately and neither do my kids!) of our church hosting a Fall Festival.  It did make me feel a little less guilty when I heard from lots of parents of preschoolers that they didn't go either...and for the same reason.  I did, however, miss seeing all of our cute preschoolers in their costumes....I saw some of them around the neighborhood but it just wasn't the same.  Maybe we can figure out a way to do something for preschoolers next year at church...something to think about.

As the fog of this Fall has begun to lift I have realized how isolated I let myself become and how tunnel vision robbed me of some great times and fun.  It's almost like I checked out last month and just went on auto pilot in mock speed.  I don't want to do that again.  Life has to slow down and I have to quit isolating myself.  My kids deserve better than that from me.

Ramblings...ramblings....that's all for now....

Grateful for the seasons....more determined to enjoy them....

Kudos to the Kiddos!

It's been a great evening in our house!  All three kids brought home report cards and all three of them did FANTASTIC!  Nathan hit his out of the park, Lexi grew leaps and bounds in math, and Braden started his academic career on a bright note!

I couldn't be prouder of them.  My only complaint is that Braden got an "S" in work ethic.  In our grading system this is equivalent to a "b".  To me, there is no excuse for not getting an "M" in work ethic....we talked about it tonight and hopefully, he will decide to work harder this nine weeks.  Academically, Braden's report card was perfect!  Compared to Nathan and Lexi's kindergarten report card, he has had the best one of all three of them.  He has natural ability they didn't have, however, he tends to be a little lazy.  The other two kids are extremely hard workers and they have had to be to accomplish what they have accomplished.  If I can just channel his energy and get him motivated, there will be no stopping him.   

Here are some of the comments from their teachers:

Nathan:

"Nathan has truly mastered each and every objective I have placed before him.  He is an excellent reader, a spectacular writer, a great leader in group discussions and activities, and brings a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to the table each and every day.  Nathan is an amazing young man.  He's obviously very, very smart.  But he's also creative, funny, hard working, and has tremendous leadership abilities.  He has an ability to quietly lead those around him.  He is most definitely a respected friend, and brilliant to boot!  I would like to see Nathan choose an area of high interest to him and apply it some way to math or science.  He's so smart, I want to give his brain a workout!"

Lexi:

"Lexi is a thoughtful, respectful, and loving young lady.  She comes to class each day determined to do her personal best.  She is doing a great job in all areas of study these first nine weeks.  Lexi's progess in math has been amazing!!  She immerses herself in the problem and works until she solves it.  She is growing into a problem solver who is ready to take on each and every challenge that comes her way!  We are so proud of Lexi and all that she has accomplished.  It is so exciting to see all of her hard work pay off."

Braden:

"Braden completes his work on time.  He is getting better on slowing down on his work and giving it his best effort.  He has to be reminded some of the time to raise his hand before speaking out.  He has no problem participating in class and is always engaged in learning.  I am very proud of his reading and his improvement in writing.  Keep up the good work!!"

Each of them have unique strengths and each of them have room for improvement (always).  I'm thankful they are doing well.  I wish Brian were here to see their accomplishments.  I gave Nathan a bear hug today from me and then one really big bear hug and told him it was from his dad.  Brian would be so proud....so very proud...

Thankful.....so very, very thankful.

Lexi's Perspective

Kids amaze me. They have an innocent perspective on life that adults lose somewhere along the way. I was laying down to pray with Lexi tonight and I started talking to her about how she was doing and how our family was doing. My intentions were to take her temperature a little bit to see if all the stress I had been under was translating to her and her life.

I asked her on a scale of one to ten what she thought about our family. "One" is our life is terrible and "ten" is our life and family is fantastic. She immediately, without hesitation said "ten".

I was taken back that she would rate our family so high. I see a huge deficit in our family and would never be able to rate it a "ten", especially the past few weeks when things have been running at break neck speed.

I asked her why she thought we were a ten. Her answer was "because we get to do fun things and stuff...and because we have you as our parent, you know since daddy died I'm just glad we have you...I'm glad I have a parent."

I laid there in disbelief at the perspective she had. Instead of feeling cheated that she only has one parent she is thankful she has "a" parent.

She has no reason to be thankful that I'm her parent...I'm flawed, impatient, and in need of constant help from God and others...yet, she's thankful. "Thankfulness" will go a long way in her life. I told her "I think it is pretty amazing that you can be thankful that you have a parent..a lot of kids get mad at God for not letting them have two parents...you aren't choosing to be mad, you are choosing to be thankful, and I am very proud of that".

She's a pretty special gal....and I am amazed at how God has worked in her life. One of the prayers that is in my journal I wrote in just a few weeks after Brian died was that my children would not grow up angry at God...I prayed that they would love God even more because of all they had experienced. God is answering my prayer with Lexi. There isn't a hint of anger in her....maybe that will come later as she ages and realizes what all she lost...but, for now, her perspective is amazing....

For answers to prayer and getting a glimpse of Lexi's perspective...I am so grateful and blessed.

Thankful....and a little frustrated

I'm thankful for my mom and the way she has helped me over the course of the past four and a half years.  She was here again this weekend to distract the kids while I wrote my paper.  I got 14 pages written...woohoo!  There is no way I could have done it without her.  God has blessed me with two fantastic parents who have supported me and stood in the gap when necessary.  I thank God for that and realize how lucky I am to have that kind of support.

I feel soooo much better having accomplished so much this weekend.  The burden of school has lifted a little.  I know I will get it completed and it is turning out to be a pretty good paper.  The pressure of feeling like I was behind the curve on it was weighing heavily on me.  After this semester I will be one hour short of being halfway through the program...hard to believe I am that far along.  There is light peering out of the end of the tunnel....

I got a random phone call tonight that got me all flustered.  A PTO mom called me to let me know I was on their list of people who had not given money for the school carnival.  They asked each class to ask each student to have their parent give 10.00 towards the fund.  I have 3 kids and so that would have been 30.00.   Frankly, every other check in my checkbook is written to their school.  Nathan has a big fieldtrip that I have a monthly payment of 78.00 and all three of them are asking for 23.00 yearbooks (69.00 total).  Add on top of that the 145.00 I need to pay to have them in Upward Basketball and my monthly budget was shot.  So, I said "no".  Apparently, that isn't the answer they want.  But, I said it anyway.  "No, I am sorry, I need to say no this time".  

Why did they need to call me about it?  Why can't they take no and understand people have limits.  It's taking everything in me not to write an email to the principal letting them know how inappropriate it was.  I'm on a list....of non-givers....great.  Love that.  Totally unnecessary.  

So...incredibly thankful, and a little frustrated....life is always interesting...:)

What a day....

Crazy busy.  I accomplished a lot today!  This morning we got our family pictures made for our annual Christmas card.  It just isn't a photo session without tears from one of the kids.  Lexi was moved to tears towards the end of the shoot.  Thankfully, she pulled herself together and finished it out.  I was exhausted afterwards.  There is something about trying to get kids dressed and looking good that creates an incredible amount of work and stress.  I hope we get at least one good family picture from all the effort. 

Once we got back from that I went to the library...actually three libraries.  I went to the Burleson Library, SWBTS library and TCU library.  Mom is here so I was able to make the rounds and pick up about 15 additional resources for my paper.  I have never moved so fast and furious at a library than I did today.  I was on a mission and the mission was accomplished.  I got some great new books to beef up my paper.

By 2:30pm I was back home grabbing Braden to go to his soccer game.  We flew to the game and it was a lot of fun to watch.  He is improving and his team is improving.  They still struggle and Braden loves defense because he can just sit back and wait for the other team to bring it to him and then kick it halfway down the field.  Fun times.

After Braden's game we had meltdown city.  It was so. much. fun.   NOT!  Braden and I had a major confrontation and it wasn't pretty.  He has been pushing the limits and finally pushed me to the edge.  He was supposed to go to Peter Piper's Pizza with my mom for dinner.  It was a reward for doing well with the pictures.  Unfortunately, I had to keep him home and he had to miss dinner.  He was very angry.  He destroyed his room (threw everything in the middle of the floor).  I tried to use Love and Logic with him.  It worked in some ways.  In other ways, I think it just ticked him off.  The end result was good.  Once he calmed down, cleaned his room, and had a long heart to heart talk with mom, the rest of the evening went beautiful.  

Why is that kids are so affectionate, respectful and delightful after a major confrontation like that?  Once we talked it through, he was like another child.  Thankfully.  

Parenting is tough.  I don't like it when the kids have to suffer big consequences.  I don't like it when I allow them to push me too far.  I know that I have relaxed too  much with him lately.  It is so hard to be consistent, especially when you are crazy busy and exhausted.

I'm not sure how well I am doing with Braden.  I question myself and my parenting abilities on a regular basis.  I pray God is working in his life and that I am doing the best that I can to provide structure and affection in his life.  I worry about him.  I really do.  God give me wisdom and insight in knowing how to best parent Braden.  I need it.  I want it.  For his sake.

Crunch Time....

It's crunch time for school.  I've got a 30-35 page paper due the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I haven't written a single page yet.  Typically, I would be close to done by now.  I try to plan way ahead and allow a large margin of error in terms of time.  This semester has not allowed for that.  All of the training and extra responsibility related to the grant has impacted my ability to work ahead. 

The kids have kept me extremely busy too.  Braden is in soccer, Lexi is in jumprope, Nathan is in art club,  Lexi and Nathan take piano lessons and all three of them are in runner's club.  We have something every night of the week except Friday.  Time has flown by and I am just trying to hang on for dear life.

My mom is coming in tomorrow and has offered to "distract" the kids this weekend so I can begin writing the paper.  I'm not sure how much I will really get done because we have our family pictures taken on Saturday (for Christmas cards) and Braden has  a soccer game Saturday afternoon.  But, I am very blessed to have her coming in and hopeful I will at least get 3-4 pages written.  Once I get in the groove, it should go fairly quickly.

Survival is the name of the game for this semester.  If I can just complete both seminars without any emotional or mental scars (me or the kids) I will consider it to have been successful.  I told the kids tonight that things may be a little stressful for the next few weeks.  They were thrilled (not).  I'm learning a lot on my topic, I just wish I had time to really soak it in.

Side note:  I still don't really know who I am or what I'm thinking or feeling these days.  Life ha taken some different turns and I learn new things about myself every day.  I still often feel in "limbo" in terms of my identity (mostly related to marital status and friendships).  I often wonder if I am doing the right thing, in the right place at the right time.  There are days when I feel connected to people around me and then there are days when I feel like I'm isolated and alone.  Sometimes I think I try to isolate myself because I'm overwhelmed with responsibility at home and work and I can't even think about anyone else....which contributes to my lack of friendships and relationships.  I truly don't always have any extra time to devote to anyone other than my family, my work and school.  So, I work against myself.  I need relationships but I don't have time for relationships.  I'm not sure what to do about that.  I know school is a temporary stresser.  There will come a day when I no longer have that.  Maybe this is just part of the sacrifice of going to school.  Who knows, I'm just rambling trying to figure out my crazy self.

It's Official

I will have an empty building by next Saturday. They finally told my real estate agent who came by to finalize the listing that they were indeed moving out. They have two stores in the town where I own the building and they are downsizing to one store. It makes complete sense to me. I suppose it makes me feel better that they aren't moving to another building because that would reflect on me or my building.

The truth is, they aren't making it financially. They need to cut costs and this is one way to do that.

It's been a tough relationship with them. They came into town about 6 years ago and began picking off the competition. Brian was one of their competitors. By God's grace, Brian had a few assets they needed and so they offered to buy us out (instead of putting us out of business like they did one other competitor). I can look back on that and now be grateful. At the time, it felt like we were being bullied out of business. However, it was a fair deal and we benefited from it.

My side of the story is that they were some of the most difficult people I have ever worked with. Nothing was ever good enough. They paid their rent late every single month. It took an attorney to get them to even sign a lease with me after Brian died. It was a nightmare. They even tried to quit paying off the business after Brian died because they thought they could. Again, I had to get an attorney involved to get them to make good on what they had promised. They were going to short me about 20,000.00. Can you imagine someone having the nerve to try to get out of paying a debt because the one they owed it to was dead?

I know they have a side of the story too. I'm sure there are things I could have done better and I know they have issues with Brian. But, that's all in the past. I don't ever have to face them or deal with them again.

I was thinking today. It's interesting how time changes things. Six years ago they were rolling in money and could come into town and bully whoever they wanted to. Today, they are just trying to keep their doors open. I'd say they got what they deserved but I don't want to get what I deserve. So, maybe, I'll just say that life has a way of coming back to bite you. We do in deed reap what we sow. Sometimes it takes a long time to see the justice. But, there is always justice.

I'm not happy they are struggling. I wish they could have made it because then I wouldn't need to find a new tenant or buyer. It does, however, reinforce to me that when we think other people are getting away with something, they really aren't. I can't help but think Brian would take some solace in knowing the big bully finally fell. I don't mean that in a cruel or revengeful way at all. I would never wish failure on anyone. I'm just observing the long term saga and how it has played out.

It's official. A new leg of the journey has started. I'm grateful for the way God always provides and have complete confidence that we will be more than just ok....

A new leg of the journey....

Today I think I officially heard that my tenants will be moving out at the end of this month.  I say "think" because they have yet to say it to me, but one of their employees told my building manager today what their plan was.  It's so nice to have such a good line of communication...:)  You would think it would be common courtesy to actually let the landlord know you are moving out.  I've emailed them and get no response.  Oh well, I digress.

I have mixed feelings about this.  Obviously, the reduction in income will be felt and I tend to worry about the long-term effects of having this financial burden.  However, I do have a peace about it and look forward to either selling it or leasing it to a new tenant.  I have had my fill of these tenants and I'm praying God will allow me to sell it.  I can't even begin to imagine how wonderful it would feel to no longer have that responsibility hanging over my head and check-book.  

Fortunately, I've been preparing as though this was going to happen.  I've saved and put away money from their rent checks to tide me through one year of no income.  After one year, it will start to dip into my personal savings.  At that point, I'll decide what decisions will need to be made.  In some ways that excites me as well.  It might be a good reason to make a big change like selling my house.  I love my house and my neighbors but this may be the impetus I need to make a decision that would otherwise be very difficult to do.  

Who knows where this leg of the journey is going to take me...and for once, I'm not fearing it....I'm trying to look at it in a positive light...I'm getting rid of some people in my life that I won't miss and I may get to be relieved of the responsibility of being a commercial landlord....AND, it just might force me to make some decisions that will be beneficial to me and the kids....

In summary....in a strange way...I can say...."It's all good"....whatever happens, "it's all good" and we will be just fine.

For peace that only He can give...I'm soooo grateful.

A good report...

I had an opportunity to visit with Braden's teacher today on the field trip to the zoo. I asked her how he was doing (remember the trip to the office), and she said "he's doing perfect...ever since we started the point system he has been like a different kid." Those were her exact words..."perfect"...never heard that word used with him before....:)

She went on to say that she had recently moved him to another table to help out some friends who were struggling to get everything done. Apparently, he's quite the Hitler about getting the table cleaned up and packed up so they can be first to line up and get their "points". I thought she was kidding but she was serious.

Obviously, I know he isn't perfect. Far from it...but he's making progress and he's adjusting to kindergarten and finding his place in the classroom. I'm thankful that one trip to the principal's office and a new "point" system has apparently helped him make some significant adjustments.

Yeah for Braden....I knew he could do it....God has great plans for him....he has potential oozing out of him....and I think he sweats testosterone....:) There is no doubt being his mom will be quite a ride...bumpy at times....but I wouldn't miss it....thankful for the opportunity to see growth!

Too many irons in the fire...

Too many things going on right now....

I see some light at the end of the tunnel....but I'm exhausted and not sure I will make it to the end of the tunnel.

I'm thankful for the many opportunities for ministry and service....I have an overabundance of things in my life that excite me and inspire me...sometimes I just can't figure out which iron needs to be stoked and which needs to be left alone.

I love doing so many different things...all at once...but the pace is wearing me down.

I enjoyed teaching today at the seminary.  It was a stretching experience that I get more comfortable doing each time I do it.  I was thinking today about how many areas of my professional life have been stretched since I went back to school.  It has been an amazing ride and I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and learn and be challenged.  I can certainly say that the decision to go to back to school and work on my PhD has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It has set into motion so many possibilities and has opened doors for me that would have never been opened.  I love the journey I am on....

So, I suppose I am grateful for all the irons in the fire....but I'm also in need of some relief from it...the great paradox....finding the balance between good stress that pushes you forward and bad stress that sends you to the funny farm....hopefully, I'll find a healthy balance.

For the gift of hope....I am grateful.

Back in the groove...

I see the light at the end of the tunnel....

Last week I was feeling overwhelmed by all the schedule demands....never feeling like I was going to catch up at home....

This weekend has been so nice....I think I am finally caught up and the kids are back in the groove.

At one point today I had Braden reading to me, Lexi practicing her piano and Nathan playing an educational game on the computer to work on his multiplication facts.  All three of them worked this weekend on areas they need to improve in at school.  Yeah for us.  It felt good to see so much productivity.

Yesterday's soccer game was horrendous.  We got killed by the other team.  My blood pressure goes up just thinking about it.  I wish I wasn't so competitive...I hate losing.

This week will be busy but manageable.  I'm teaching two classes on Boundaries at CWJC and an Early Childhood Education class at the seminary.  Both of those should be fairly easy because they are very familiar topics and ones I have taught before.  On Friday I will go to the zoo with Braden's class.  I am happy to go with him but really wish I could have a Friday just for me.  I've had grant training the past 3 Fridays and with the field trip this Friday, I will have to wait another week to be able to run my endless list of errands.  At least there are no overnight trips to manage this week...:)

I struggle when we get out of the groove and lose our routine...life feels chaotic and out of control when everything is out of sync.  I'm thankful for a weekend where we have caught our rhythm and found the groove that works for us.

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

Lexi's Baptism

This past weekend we celebrated Lexi's baptism. My parents were here along with my sister and her kids. We had a FULL house all weekend and I loved it. During the actual baptism I didn't shed any tears. I was very proud and happy and excited for Lexi. The morning of the baptism I found myself crying as I was getting ready for church. I was thinking about how proud Brian must be of Lexi and it made me realize how much he is missing.

Brian was an incredible father. If it weren't for the fact that he is in heaven, I think he would be crushed that he is missing out on seeing his kids grow up. I can't even imagine how upset he would have been had he known his life would be cut short. Sometimes I think about that and it brings up a lot of emotion.

I'm not sure if he got a peek at Lexi's baptism this Sunday...but if he did, I know his smile was unending and the tears were free flowing....tears of joy....and pride.

It's been a tough month or so....I'm ready to quit feeling sad and sentimental....

I guess this is why grief has no timeline....it shows up on important days and reminds me of the magnitude of the loss...

I'm thankful for a great weekend filled with family and friends....we had a big lunch after the service and invited friends and family....It was a sweet time....for that, I am grateful!

A Busy Weekend...and a busy week ahead!

Happenings this weekend.....

Lexi and I went shopping yesterday and got her several new outfits.  She was a pleasure to be with...truly a pleasure.  I've been with her before and we've struggled to agree on what we were going to buy (style mainly)....or she has wanted 10 outfits when I really only planned to buy a couple.  This time she didn't complain when I set the limits and she didn't get upset when I vetoed an outfit she wanted.  Yeah for Lexi!  

I quit drinking Dr. Pepper.  It seems someone hit the "pause" button on my metabolism and I think it has something to do with the extra calories I have been getting from all the Dr. Pepper I drink.  So, two days down...I had a horrendous headache this afternoon....even threw up....felt awful....but, tonight, I am much better.  I am hopeful the worst has passed.

Braden had his first soccer game.  He did really well.  He started out as a forward but mid-way through the first quarter they switched him to defender.  It was a good move because he was able to stop the scoring machine called number "7" on the other team.  He doesn't understand all the strategy and seemed clueless at times...but he did well.  It was fun to watch....my throat is a little soar from trying to give him hints from the sidelines.

Mom comes tomorrow and will be here until the following Wednesday.  I am really looking forward to her being here.  I leave on Tuesday for a training in Austin and won't be home until Friday.  I will be praying every day that the kids do well for mom and that Braden has a good week at school.  He had an all "green" week last week and his teacher said on Friday that he was doing really good.  It seems she has a new point system that he is all over....he loves rewards!

For a good weekend, I am grateful.

Delayed Impact

It's taken over four years to fully realize what I lost when Brian died.  I was fortunate and blessed to be insulated from some of the losses that many widows face.  I didn't lose my house or my job.  I didn't have to move or relocate.  For the most part, my address book didn't change much either.  I kept many of the same friends and felt the support and love of an incredible church family.

I was blessed.

I still am blessed.  I'm grateful for the way God's grace has sustained me.

Four years and some change later, I feel the full impact of being a widow...of losing my social identity....of losing the commonalities that are necessary to keep friendships going.  It's tough to finally realize that you absolutely no longer fit in with the same circles you used to fit into.  I'm not sure why it has become so obvious as of late...but it has.  Maybe I was clueless before and now I'm living more in reality...who knows?  

And, if I am honest, I am tired of trying to fit in...I'm weary of pretending it doesn't bother me to be the fifth wheel.  

I've never been in drama or theatre before.....until now.  I act as though nothing bothers me, but it does.  It bothers me a lot.  It hurts a lot.  I hate feeling the full impact...it's no fun.  There are times, as much as I hate to admit it, that I feel an incredible amount of jealousy.  I'd like to have what many people I know have....I can't deny that.  Most of the time I keep it in check, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

Delayed impact sucks.  

Delayed impact has got me down.

I'm working on it.  I'm asking God to help me navigate through these tricky issues in a way that is helpful and healing.  I believe with all my heart that I will get through this bump in the road.  I also believe with all my heart this is a necessary part of the journey.   I will get this behind me and when I do I will continue to see the beauty God brings in the rebuilding of our lives.

For His sustaining Grace, mercy and comfort...I am grateful.

Out of the mouth of babes....

I went to school yesterday to have lunch with Braden.  I am trying to be more intentional about doing special things just with him.  I recognize that he gets the leftovers of me more than he gets "my best".  So, it seems to be a good thing....we have had some nice times lately and his behavior has been better...maybe there is a connection.

While I was having lunch I was scoping out all the other kids in the class.  I was trying to find out which one of the boys enjoyed the trip to the principal's office with Braden.  Braden pointed him out and he did look a little mean...:)  Truly, he did.  I got the low down on all the kids and who got "green" and who was always on "yellow" or "red".  It was a very informative lunch.

I also had a chance to talk with another teacher in kindergarten.  She's a church member and knows some of Braden's struggles.  God used her to encourage me....I walked away from that discussion feeling a little more hopeful about things.

Hope is, after all, the single most important thing I have to hang on to.  I suppose faith ranks higher but it is because of my faith that I have hope.  I was thinking about this the other day while we were in the training about the importance of fathers.  One of the biggest gifts we can give single moms is "hope".  If we can convince them there is hope, they will attempt to move mountains....they will be more open to learning new ways to deal with their children...etc.

I digressed.....

So, while I was eating lunch one of the kids across the table asked Braden "is that your grandma?"  I laughed out loud.....I thought he was kidding.  Nope, he was as serious as a kindergarten boy gets.  It's a good thing he was sitting across the table because I might have slapped him if he had been next to me.  Seriously, do I really look like I could be Braden's grandma?  I have to admit that I looked down at what I was wearing and wondered if it was a style issue?  Maybe I need a new wardrobe...a new do...something...

Age is bothering me these days.  It's utterly stupid and vain and ridiculous, but I hate that I am bearing down on 40 and I am alone....I hate it....I never wanted to be a 40 year old single mom....And, if I am honest, it feels a little bit like rejection....like I am a loser to be in the situation I am in....

I know I'm not a loser....but it sure has been feeling that way lately...

I'm working on it....I know it's a spiritual battle....a stupid spiritual battle that I shouldn't even have allowed myself to get drawn into....

Plugging Along...

We're plugging along....Braden has had 6 days in a row of "green" behavior...."green" is good!  I can almost laugh about his trip to the principal's office now....it's still a sore spot but I have gotten a little more perspective.  It seems MANY of my friends have had similar experiences with their kids.  Most of them were very encouraging and helped me realize it doesn't mean a life of crime for him.  I knew that, but I needed to hear it from others.  In addition, tonight he showed me a softer side of himself....a spiritual side...a side I don't normally get to see...and that made me feel so good.  He is oozing with potential.....it's just going to be one heck of a ride!

Nathan came home today with his first benchmark scores.  He scored a 100% on a test that the teacher said to consider a 60% a good score.  Wow!  He is doing so well.  I am utterly amazed!  Who would have thought my little average boy would be knocking it out of the park as a fifth grader?  He was oh so average in kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade....Yeah Nathan!  You rock!

Lexi did really well on her benchmark scores too.  I don't have the exact score but her teacher told her she got an "M" on them.  I worry a little about her and tests.  She tends to get anxious about tests.  However, I was so proud of her and how hard she worked on her test.  She took her time and tried to do her very best work.  Yeah Lexi!  You will get there too!

One of the really hard things about being widowed is that there is no one to share the small victories with...no one to brag about your kids to....no one to share the tears when they get in trouble....no one to "high five" when they knock it out of the park....

For a good few days, I am grateful.

Keeping it real...Family Time!

So, just so my kids don't think someday that we always had great "family time" on Sunday nights....we don't.

Tonight I had to compete for the floor....and we were talking about wisdom...of all things!

It ended with me sending Nathan and Braden to bed early....Lexi and I had a nice conversation about wisdom.....but the boys got voted off the family time island!

Just keeping it real....it doesn't always go as planned....

An Odd Time of Life

The past few months I have been realizing more and more what an odd time of life this is for me.  If I am honest, I feel just as "odd" as this time in life is "odd".  The truth is I really don't have many close friends anymore (my neighbor is the exception but I think proximity has a lot to do with it).  Life has taken us different directions and I haven't had the time to invest in new relationships.   And...there isn't  the possibility of many new relationships....not right now anyways.

I understand that I don't fit in....people don't really see me as a widow anymore (and that's a good thing I think)...I think they see me more as a single parent....one who doesn't have much to offer them and one they have nothing in common with anymore.  

I can't blame anyone for that....and I don't.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't have the time or emotional energy to invest in friendships....yet, I oftentimes feel very lonely.  It's not always when I am "alone" that I feel "lonely".....sometimes, the loneliest place in the world is at church....when I am around hundreds of people....I feel alone....

It's an odd place to be at....to know that you feel alone but not to be able to do anything about it....I suppose it shows some of my own prejudice too...I don't really want to be friends with other single parents...I don't see myself as ever fitting in as your traditional "single" parent....

I know I've come a long way on this journey....done some really hard stuff....had some good success at trying to rebuild a meaningful and joyful life.....but the friendships, I've not done too well on.......

Yes, it's an odd time in life.....and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it.....

I'm praying God will either be all I need...or that He will provide some new friendships in my life....afterall, it's pretty sad when you rely on one person to help you with car pool and when that one person is out of the picture you realize how short your list of friends has become....it's not that someone wouldn't help me if I asked...it's  that I feel guilty asking anyone to do something for me because I can't always return the favor...so I don't ask...

And then...if I really get down...I start thinking about how many hours a week I take care of everyone else's kids....I think about all the people who are always demanding we provide more childcare....and that does make me mad.....

But, I digressed....I'm just lonely.....bottom line, this is never how I meant to do life.....

Such a very, very  odd time in life.....

Something to look forward to in 2010

Well, I've got a surprise up my sleeve for 2010.

Nathan and I will be celebrating our birthdays in a very memorable way....

I'm not sure how or when I will tell the kids....

It will be a while before I tell them...

I found the most amazing, unbelievable, almost too good to be true deal....

It's something I have always wanted to do with the kids....but the prices have never been affordable....

This is the one time it pays to be a single parent....this particular deal has to do with kids going free.....wheeeeeee!  Finally, a benefit for being an only parent......

So, instead of dreading turning 40 alone.....we will be making some incredible memories....

2010 is looking to start off right....

Sometimes things work out...

I'm thankful tonight because today turned out ok. We got out a little early from our training so I was able to pick up the kids from school (barely). I had found someone who could pick them up but I was able to call and cancel. I had stressed and stressed over this issue....and it all worked out....thank you God!

My mom also called this morning and she is going to stay the extra few days so that I can attend both the training in Austin and the staff retreat. Again, I had lost sleep over how I was going to work out everything with the kids....I'm so thankful for my mom and dad. Their support has been a huge blessing in my life.

I'm feeling a little less anxious....and a little more peaceful....

Braden had a good day at school. The Principal sent me an email that encouraged me. She said he was very respectful and cooperative when he was in her office. I suppose I can at least be thankful for that....Lexi also was given a message to tell me that Braden was doing really well in Spanish. Maybe the Spanish teacher knew about yesterday...I"m not sure...but she told Lexi to be sure and tell me he was doing really well in her class. Thank you for that.

I'm contemplating a trip with the kids after the first of the year....I've found an incredible deal....just need wisdom and discernment to know if it is the right thing to do....

Still waiting to see what is going to happen with my commercial building.......it could get interesting.....

For a better day...I'm so very grateful.

Got a call from the Principal today...

...and it wasn't to let me know how great my kids were...

Braden found himself in the Principal's office today for getting into a scuffle on the playground....

There are no words for how bad today sucked....

The only bit of good news came from my tax lady who called to tell me I had a refund coming that I didn't even know about...

The rest of it sucked...truly, there is no other way to describe it.

It's one of those days when every time you turn around you get hit with something unexpected...and it seems I'm meeting no one's expectations....

And, to top it all off, my dog keeps tearing up the fence and getting out....it's like Marly and Me and GroundHog Day put together....

It's one of those days when I realize what a disadvantage I am at being a single parent. The only thing worse than that is the fact that my kids are at a huge disadvantage without their dad...and without two people to support and care for them. I reached my tipping point with it all today....I'm worn out from running them to piano and soccer...and then home to do homework and laundry...and pay bills...and deal with an unruly dog....and follow through on consequences for Braden's trip to the office...

I didn't share with the other kids what happened today with Braden. I don't want him to get beat down by them for what happened. They seem to enjoy reminding him that he gets in trouble more than they do. So, it's just between us....unless it happens again and then I can't guarantee they won't find out. My profound statement of the day to a good friend was "I just hope there is HOPE..." I fear he is going to have a rough go....and I don't know what I can do about it that I haven't already tried....And...I know things would be different if Brian were still around...and that makes me feel awful....like a failure...

It's been a tough one....

The things they say....and do!

The kids have an ever expanding vocabulary and I suppose I have just started noticing it the past few weeks. Braden's favorite new way to address an issue is "FIRST of all...blah, blah, blah and SECOND of all....blah, blah, blah and then THIRD OF ALL, blah, blah, blah. " He sounds like an attorney cross-examing a witness when he gets on a kick about something he is passionate about (like whether it is HIS turn to pick what show we watch..:))

Braden's teacher emailed me today and let me know that she has had to talk to him about appropriate ways to show compassion. There is a little girl in his class who has had a hard time adjusting to kindergarten. Apparently he has been trying to soothe her by running his fingers through her hair or letting her sit in his lap. Today he came home and said "Mrs. Jean won't let me touch her anymore." He, of course, did not see what the problem was so we had a nice talk about it....I think I am in trouble when he is a teenager...

Lexi was explaining to me where something was the other day and she used the term "vertically" as she described how something was placed. I was impressed. She also has been reading a lot of books lately and has been explaining to me what is going on in the story using five dollar words. Interesting. Last night she was talking about a book she is listening to on the Ipod and we had another one of those conversations that leave me thinking what a great kid she is turning out to be. This particular story is about four girls whose mom died and their dad is dating. The girls try to sabotage the dates because they don't want their dad dating anyone. Lexi went into long detail about this story. So, I asked her, "is that how you would feel if I ever dated?" She very matter of factly said, "no, I wouldn't really care because that is your decision to make if you want to date anyone." I said, "really, you wouldn't care?" She assured me that was my decision to make. I had to laugh to myself on that one. I told her, "well, trust me it would have to be someone very special if I ever dated anyone...so I don't think you have to worry. You kids are my priority right now." She just said "ok, I know dad was really special". Gosh I love that girl. She rocks my world.

Nathan isn't real verbal and descriptive but he has been correcting the other two on a regular basis. He sometimes surprises me with how much he really does know. He is also doing a great job of doing simple chores around the house and fixing his lunch every night. I am sure it helps that he now gets an allowance and when he does things without being asked he can earn a little extra...gotta love bribery.

Speaking of allowances...I have three different kids and three different ways to handling money. Nathan is a saver. He doesn't like to part with his money. He is always asking what he can do to earn more money, and then he mainly saves it. Lexi is a giver. This week we talked about tithing their allowance and she gave 3 times what would have been her tithe. Then, she knew that Nathan wanted a new Wii game and so she chipped in more than anyone else to help buy it. A couple of weeks ago she got some "Bunch bucks" from school and instead of buying something for herself she bought things for Nathan and Braden. Speaking of Braden...Braden is a spender. He just got his allowance Friday and by Friday night it was all gone. At first he wasn't going to help buy the new Wii game but then he realized if he didn't give any to help pay for it he wouldn't be able to play. So, he spent all of his money so that he could have a say over the new game. When I asked him where his tithe money was on Sunday he realized that he forgot to save that back...so, we had to pilfer through his change to get enough to give on Sunday. I can see where all three of them have issues in handling money that will need to be addressed and adjusted if they want to learn to manage it effectively...

Kids are so different...and interesting...and fun to watch grow and develop.


For the funny things they say and do, I am grateful.

TGIF

Yeah!  I made it through today...and so did the kids.  Lexi and Braden were actually pretty stoked about some "special" things they got to do since their grandparents didn't come and most of the kids weren't in the classroom...they were all smiles when I picked them up today.  I still hate that they didn't have anyone there today, but at least they realized it wasn't the end of the world.

I accomplished some major things today.  One of which, was a meeting with another realtor about my commercial property.  I feel pretty confident that I made the right decision in telling the other one that he wasn't a good fit.  I like the lady I met with today.  She feels "right".  I made some decisions that I am proud of.  I will be listing it with her probably later next week.  She was far more encouraging than the other guy.  I also decided that I was done with my current tenants.  Even if they want to negotiate staying, it won't be with me.  I have removed myself from the equation and feel incredibly good about that decision.  I'm not getting in the mud with them ever again.  If they want to stay, they will be talking to my realtor....and that feels soooooo good!  Yes, I will have to pay her for negotiating with them but holy cow batman it will be worth every penny not to have to deal with their games.  So, a plan is in place...we have a strategy....and I am praying God will continue to direct every step along the way.  I truly feel like (so far) I am on the right path...

I also got an email from my professor today giving me some room for breathing...one of the things that she wanted me to do she no longer needs me to do...woohoo...I can't tell you how good it felt to read that email....the pressure is off for another month or so...

I'm still working on all my scheduling issues related to work and the kids...if I just take it one event at a time it doesn't seem so overwhelming....

I called my dad this evening to talk to him about my conversation with the realtor....he affirmed my decisions and said he was really glad I was stepping out and paying someone to deal with the stress....my mom also got on the phone and told me she thought I was doing the right thing...so, that feels good.  I think I have weaned myself off needing my dad to lead me through every decision.  He actually initially suggested a different strategy but it didn't feel "right" and I shared with him that I wasn't going to do that and he was more than supportive of my decision.  I relied on him so heavily when Brian first died....I don't know what I would have done without him....and, now...it feels good not to "need" him so much....I've got my big girl panties on and they fit pretty good (for now....)

So, TGIF....lots accomplished....for that I am grateful!

Disappointments, Guilt, and Stress

Disappointments, guilt and stress...that about sums it up right now.

My mom was coming this week and one of her good friends died so she had to cancel her trip. I am sad for her and completely understand why she couldn't come. It put a kink in some scheduling issues but we are managing.

Brian's mom and dad were also supposed to come this week. They have come for Grandparents day at the kids school for the past 3 years. Brian's dad emailed me this week to say that he had a fishing tournament that he couldn't miss. I have done a good job of trying not to be upset at him for that...and mostly, I'm not. I think I understand that it's nothing personal...but my kids were disappointed....for the second time this week that someone who was coming to visit them couldn't come.

They asked me to come to Grandparents day instead. Honestly, I can't. I told them that. I think they understand but I feel guilty. I had a previously scheduled appointment that I can't cancel and I have a ton of errands to do while they are in school. Yet, I feel guilty. I also can't go to their curriculum night at school next week. Braden has soccer and we all have hair-cuts scheduled for that night. I can't be in two places at once. Again, I feel guilty.

Next week I have a training to go to on Wednesday that doesn't end until 3pm (and it is about 45 minutes away from Burleson). I am trying to figure out how I am going to pick up my kids (at 3:10pm) and fulfill my obligations to the training. The next 4 weeks I have several trainings related to the grant that we received. This has been a great thing, but has added another layer of stress that I am trying to work through. I will be out of town for four days at the end of September and my mom is coming to stay with the kids. However, I just found out that we are having an out of town staff retreat the following week. I am not sure how I am going to pull that off because my mom will have just been here for the week and she isn't going to turn around and come back....stress....guilt....

Guilt is such a common emotion for moms. Dads never feel guilty if they have to go on a business trip or be gone extra time for work. Dads are admired for a hard work ethic and for trying to get ahead. I really am doing all that I am doing to try to benefit my kids and give them the best possible future. I've got a lot of neat opportunities right now...I just hope I don't regret the way I am pushing myself right now.

In addition, my professor has asked me to teach an online course this semester and also help write the material for the course. I can't really say "no" because this is my semester of internship and I am expected to do whatever she asks me to do. She is a very reasonable lady but I am feeling a little stressed over trying to help her and keep my life moving in the right direction. On the other hand, I'm interested in doing the "online" teaching thing...and so I hate to give up an opportunity to learn about something that might be a good fit for me later on. She has indicated that our school is going to be expanding the online course offerings and that she is probably going to need some PhD students to help with that so I have to keep that in the back of my head too....

The kids started piano this week and so I think I have driven a million miles getting them to school, piano, soccer, church, etc. My usual car pooling mom is out for a while recovering from surgery so it is all me....I've realized how much I miss being able to share that burden....I am oh so happy to be the car pool queen for a while...but look forward to being to benefit again from the "car pool" concept.

So, in summary, life is very busy and complicated right now....If I can just make it until the middle of October I think we will be fine...

The kids are still doing well...and that helps....we have a routine just about established....I'm grateful for that....

Two great days...I think I'm onto something...

Our family is functioning at a high level again.  YEAH!!!!!  Two days in a row of really good behavior from EVERYONE!

I had to smile at myself tonight when Braden started to fudge on helping clean up the kitchen.  I told him, in a very matter of fact way, "that ship has sailed...I'm no longer your maid, everyone helps and that includes you."  Woohoo, that felt good.  And, guess what, he did what he was asked.

I'm not sure how we got so off course....and not sure why I didn't recognize the issues sooner.

To be sure, life isn't perfect...it never will be...but, for now, we've got a handle on how our family needs to function in order to maximize the joy factor.

For another good day...I'm so very grateful.

Oh so much better...

Operation reset the boundaries working well....

Kids responding well....

I'm feeling  better about the tone around our house...

Spent some one-on-one time with Braden....very nice....and enjoyable.

Helped Lexi bake a cake....let her do EVERYTHING (even cracking the eggs)....she was in heaven....

Nathan still doing a fine job....thank heavens for one easy one...

Life has its rhythm back...and for that I am grateful...

Thank you God.

Redrawing the Boundaries...

I spent a good deal of time tonight with the kids redrawing the boundaries for them. I liken it to a soccer field. At the beginning of the season they mark the fields and the out of bounds is very clear and distinct. As the season wears on the field, the lines get blurred and even disappear.

I think some of the boundary lines in our family have blurred or almost disappeared.

I am the only one who is responsible for keeping those lines maintained. I haven't been doing a very good job of it lately. My mind has been distracted and I have let things go without addressing them.

I will say that is very difficult to fight the battles that need to be fought when there is just one parent. I grow weary of the fight....and turn to "survival" mode. "Survival" mode is not a healthy or fun place to be. When I am just trying to "survive" I find that I am "enduring" my kids rather than "enjoying" them.

I want that to change.

I laid out some plans for that to change tonight. We'll see if it makes a difference.

I enjoyed the evening with my kids tonight (after we had the "come to Jesus" meeting). I need to adjust some of my parenting style. I need to find a way to be less "distracted". My mind is always thinking about the next thing I need to be doing...instead of focused on them.

I need to seek God more faithfully....and find ways to use "teachable" moments to influence my kids towards a relationship with Christ.

This is one of those times when I feel so inadequate as a parent....really, who would have thought it could be this hard, this demanding.....

For the gift of children, I am grateful....for grace when we mess up, I'm especially thankful.

Forty Years....

Brian would turn 40 tomorrow. Hard to believe that he's not here to celebrate that milestone. I am sure if he were here he would be doing something crazy. Or, I would be planning a big celebration. Instead, tomorrow will come and go quickly and quietly.

I've got a big day tomorrow. I'm teaching a class tomorrow morning and that has occupied most of my free time this week. My thoughts have been focused on that and how I would present the topic. I've also been working hard to get the grant position/program off the ground. So, I guess that is good....that life is busy and good...that there isn't much time to reminisce or wish things were different.

To be sure, Brian continues to influence and impact many lives....including mine. While he isn't here to physically celebrate, the memory of his life and love is an incredible gift to me and the kids. I miss him. I wish he were here to give a hard time about hitting the big 4-0....

But, he's not here.....

And, we are .....

And, so, we continue to find joy and meaning and hope and love in our lives...and that's a good thing....a very, very good thing.

I'm blessed for the relationship that we had....blessed by his love.....thankful for the memories...

So very thankful......thankful that 40 years ago tomorrow God granted him life....thankful for the family that God blessed him with....thankful that even 40 years later he is still influencing and impacting many lives....his legacy will exceed his earthly life...that I am certain....Happy Birthday Brian...you are still so very loved....and will never be forgotten....

What to say...what not to say....

It's that time of the year again.  School has started for the kids and for me.  Lots of new beginnings, lots of people to meet for the first time.  I struggle with knowing how to talk about myself.  It seems that I have been put in several positions lately where I have had to introduce myself and tell about my family, my job, etc.  I've also had to fill out a kajillion forms that ask for information about my kids father.  Gotta love those reminders that I don't have anything to put in those blanks.

So, it still seems a little awkward when meeting people and they ask about my family.  I don't want to make being a "widow" my identity, but, I also don't want to leave people with the impression that I am a single mom.  It's not that I am embarrassed or ashamed that I am a single mom.  I think I've come to realize that people make judgments about single moms that are rarely positive and so I suppose I try not to allow that identity to impact what people may think about me.

It's an identity I don't enjoy and one that limits me in many ways.  I'm finding that more and more married people are less likely to engage in a friendship with me or my kids.  I know it's a little bit of a mismatch but it is still hard to get used to...I miss the commonality I had with married people...with my married friends.  It's just not the same anymore and I'm not sure why. I've been trying to figure out some things like that lately and it has me puzzled.

I went to get my tire fixed on Friday morning.  I walked into the waiting area and had a guy who looked like Jesus start talking to me.  To make a long story short, he said to me "aren't husbands supposed to take care of problems like this...isn't that what a good husband should do?"  What do you say to that?  I was speechless for a second or two.  What do I say?  What do I not say?  I said, "well, (long pause) my husband died four years ago so I have to take care of this.  It's amazing what you can do when you have to."   He backpedaled, apologized and then told me "well, you look like the type of lady who can take care of yourself...like the type of girl who doesn't take crap off anyone".   What in the world do you say to that?  I was thinking is this guy a psycho?  I said "you do what you have to do"...and sat as far away from him as I possibly could...

Why do I have to deal with people like that?  Why do I have to feel awkward about what to say or what not to say when asked to introduce myself?  I'm really tired of it...tired of those awkward moments.

More than that though, I just miss being married.  It was so much simpler then, and easier to navigate new relationships...I know I can't go back...but, I do miss that part of my past.

What a DAY!

What a busy, productive, crazy day!

7:45am  I walked my kids into school.  Braden started kindergarten today!  Wow, another milestone in our family.  All three kids in school....never thought I'd see this day.  The school provided a "Boo-Hoo Breakfast" for all the moms and dads of kindergarteners.  I skipped out on this one because I had to be at a class at 8:30 in Fort Worth.  However, I think the type of breakfast I needed was a "Woo-Hoooo Breakfast".  Sorry, I'm not sad that my kids are all in school.  I'm thrilled that each of them are taking one more step towards independence and growth.  Gotta love that!  They are ready, and yes, I am ready too!  It's all good!

8:30 I walked into my fourth semester of PhD class.  I was thrilled when I found out the professor wanted us to focus on an area that we want to specialize in.  As a result, I will be doing my research this semester on how trauma and crisis affects the development of preschoolers and children.  There is quite a bit of research out there on how trauma affects the brain...can't wait to dig into that.

10:00am I met with my professor that I am doing my teaching internship with this semester.  I am a teaching assistant for one of the master's level classes.  I will have an opportunity to help teach the course online and in the classroom.  I am really jazzed about the online course.  I think the wave of the future is in online education....not because it is the best way but because of the efficiency and cost factors.  It should be a great learning experience!

11:30am I met with the Critical Incident Stress Management Team that we are forming in our community.  We have the support of our local police department and are working through the policies and procedures of our group, setting up additional training and soliciting qualified members for the team.  This has been a long process but I am beginning to see it all come together.  Wow!  I love being a part of our community and working with other people outside our church to do ministry.  It's been cool to meet some of our local law enforcement people and hear their stories.  I love it and look forward to continuing to establish our presence in the community.

1:15pm I met with the person I hope takes the position for the grant we received.  I am so excited about what she brings to the table.  I really enjoyed listening to her today and hearing all the things she has done with and for kids with special needs and issues.

2:45 I headed over to the school to pick the kids up....I couldn't wait to hear about their day!  

5:45pm I took Braden to his first soccer practice...what a whoot...should be interesting!

8:15pm all kids are in bed and almost asleep....a perfect ending to an incredibly busy and productive day!

For days when things fall into place...I am so grateful...

A matter of trust....

Proverbs 3:5-6 has been on my mind the past few days.  I've been meditating on it, dissecting it, and seeking to understand what it should mean in my life.  I've come to realize that my "trust factor" is pretty low and in need of an overhaul.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight".

Trust requires a relationship of reliance.  In order to place your trust in someone you have to rely on them for something.  In order to trust God, I have to rely on Him for everything.  It demands dependence on Him.  I'm not very good at that.  I'd like to think that I am, but the truth is that I have tried to become self-reliant.  One of the motivating factors for me to become self-reliant is that my personal life has demanded it.  I've had to learn to do many new things.  I've had to pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps in order to work through a difficult tragedy.  As a result, I've become more "self" reliant.  I know I can do just about anything life requires of me...I've had to.  Yet, in becoming more "self" reliant I have drifted away from reliance on God.  So, this verse has been an incredible reminder to me that I need to put my trust in God...not myself, not in my family, not in anything else but God.

Trust is a matter of the heart.  I'm also not good at allowing my "heart" to guide me.  I'm a thinker, not a feeler.  I make decisions based on facts...on well thought out plans...not on my emotions.  This verse reminds me that trusting God with all my heart is not a logical decision.  Trusting God with all my heart puts me in a vulnerable position with God.  I have to open up both my heart and my mind in order to trust Him fully.

Trust is also not dependent on understanding.  We don't trust because we understand.  It doesn't work that way.  We are not to "lean" on our own understanding because it is flawed...it is inadequate.  Yet, this is where I fail every time.  I analyze things to death.  I crunch the numbers, I weigh the risk versus the reward, I calculate the costs.....it's all about my understanding and agreeing with whatever issue I'm wrestling with at the time.  I can't rely on my own understanding for wisdom or direction or peace....ouch.

Trust requires us to "acknowlege" Him in all our ways....I think that means I look to Him in every situation I'm in for direction...it means I sift all of life's circumstances and decisions through what I know to be true about God and His will for my life.  It means everything passes through Him and I seek to obey and honor Him in all things...even the things in life that are tough...even those things in life that seem to make no sense and serve no purpose.  I must acknowledge the reality of His presence in my life and His desire for my life in every situation and circumstance I find myself in.

The great thing....is that when we trust Him, when we don't depend on our own understanding and when we acknowledge Him in all things....He will make our paths straight....He will get us where we need to go.  He will remove the obstacles....

I needed this.....

God, I am relying on you and not on my own understanding.  I want to seek you in my life and acknowledge you in every area of my life.  God, make my paths straight.  I need more of You and less of me....Thank you for this word.

A Weekend in Oklahoma

Last weekend the kids and I made a flying trip to Oklahoma.  We left on Friday and I left at 4:30am on Sunday morning to make my way back to Burleson.  The kids came later in the day with my parents.  It was such an enjoyable time with family and friends.

On Friday afternoon I took the kids to the cemetery to visit Brian's grave.  As is our tradition, we took flowers.  However, like we have done once before, I let the kids pick flowers out of my parents garden and make a special arrangement.  Watching them walk through my parents garden and carefully pick just the right flowers was a beautiful moment for me.  My dad helped them and I couldn't help but be touched at how he understood how important it was to them to get just the right mix of colors and flowers.  When they finished, it was truly a work of art and love.

My kids asked my dad to go with us to the cemetery.  I thought that was kind of interesting.  At first I wasn't sure I wanted him to go because I was afraid I would get emotional and for whatever reason felt inhibited at the thought of his presence.  He agreed to go and the kids were excited about it so I decided to just go with it.  

It was a very beautiful time together.  Braden had LOTS of questions, questions he hadn't ever asked before.  He wanted to know exactly where Brian's body was, what it looked like right now, what his body was inside, etc.  He didn't know what a casket was so I had to explain that to him.  We talked about his spirit not being there.  He was stumped by the whole "body is in the grave, spirit is in heaven" concept.  So, my dad and I both tried to explain it to him.  The kids also took some time to put their hands on the handprints that were on his headstone and see how much they had grown.  It made me smile when they did that.  They were connected to his headstone and it was special to them.  It took me over a year to pick out a headstone and decide what should be on it.  I'm so glad what I did with his headstone is meaningful to the kids.  I was so moved by their ability to go to the cemetery, express their love through flowers, and talk about how much they had grown since daddy died.  It occurred to me that day that my kids have come a long way in their ability to express themselves....for that I am so grateful.  

It also occurred to me that Braden is still trying to process everything.  I wonder sometimes if I should take him to the Warm Place now that he is older and has a better grasp at what has happened in his life.  The other kids were old enough to begin grieving and processing.  He is so far behind them.  I had forgotten that.  It was a good reminder to slow down and make sure I talk with him and answer his questions.

On Friday night I met Brian's parents for pizza.  The kids enjoyed telling his mom and dad about their visit to the cemetery.  They were proud of what they did...and so was I.  We had a good visit.  I am thankful our relationship is still strong.  

Saturday morning my brother and sister (and kids) met me and the kids at a local donut shop for breakfast.  I don't know that I have ever gone to the donut shop with my whole family before.  It was a simple time, but I treasured it.  I was thankful for this weekend in Oklahoma to do some things that we don't generally get to do.

On Saturday night my parents had a party with about 60 adults.  I knew every person except for one.  Most of these people watched me grow up.  There was no reason for the party.  My parents called it a "family reunion".  It was the best "family reunion" I have ever been to.  Many of these people came to Brian's burial service four years ago.  It was the sweetest time of fellowship that I have had in a long time.  Everyone was so encouraging to me and interested in how we were doing.  I was so glad to get the opportunity to talk with them and let them know that we were doing well.  Many of them told me they still pray for me and the kids or that they think of us often.  Wow.  I was so blessed by that and wonder what the impact has been from all the friends and family who have kept my family in their prayers.  I was reminded of how blessed I was to grow up in a family that valued relationships.  It was SO MUCH FUN!

Sunday morning was a blur.  I got up at 3:45 and was out the door by 4:30am.  By 6:00am I had received a 197.00 speeding ticket.  Yikes!  I was caught in a speed trap.  The only thing on the road at that time of the morning is roadkill and policemen trying to make their quota.  The funny thing is that Braden has been obsessed with the fact that I got a ticket.  He asked me a million questions including, "how long would you stay in jail if you didn't pay the ticket?  Have you paid the ticket yet?  When are you going to pay the ticket?  Will it take all the money in your bank account to pay the ticket?  Who will take care of me if you go to jail?  Was it a boy policeman or a girl policeman?  What kind of food do you get in jail?"  Needless to say, I've already mailed off the check to pay for the ticket...and he has finally let it rest.  Today was the first day that he didn't ask me any questions about it.

So, a weekend in Oklahoma...it was all good....except for the ticket. 

For family and friends...I am so grateful.....for relationships that span across the years, I am blessed.

Will this chapter ever end?

I'm struggling right now.  I'm wondering if this chapter will ever end.  I am ready for it to end.  It is possible that it will end, it just may be rather painful.

My commercial tenant did not renew his lease.  I met with a realtor yesterday.  I left with more questions than answers.  My tenant is playing dirty.  I thought we had gotten past that.  I worked really hard to establish a good relationship with them.  I thought we had come a long way.  Apparently, not so much.

I need wisdom in knowing how to proceed from here.  There are many big decisions to be made and I don't want to make the wrong ones.  I want to do this right.  I want to honor God in how I respond to them and how I treat them.  But, it's really hard....really hard....super hard.

Romans 12:21 says "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good".  I wonder how that plays out in my situation.  I can't and won't be a doormat.  I don't appreciate some of their recent actions.  Yet, I want to keep the relationship on a higher plane until they pay their last month's rent and move out (if that is indeed what they are planning to do).  So, do I just pretend I don't know some of the things they have said...do I just ignore their unethical behavior?  Or, do I call them out on it?

The simple decision of choosing a realtor has become far too complicated.  I need wisdom.  I am in over my head.  I have no business trying to make decisions about a commercial property in a town that I don't even live in.  If there is any bone to pick with Brian in heaven it will be about this.  I never wanted to be in this position.  I hate being a landlord.  I hate dealing with dishonest people.  I hate it.

I want this chapter to end.  I want to be done with this part of the journey.

God, give me your wisdom and help me honor you with my words and actions.  I'm struggling and there is no way I can do this without Your help.

The Struggle Within...

It's still so hard to be emotionally alone.  I miss having someone to help me process my thoughts and emotions.  I've always had a struggle in my thought life.  The struggle within can be paralyzing.  I get defeated by my thoughts.

I'm beginning to understand what a huge weakness this is in my life.  I struggle to sift out truth about situations, people and events.  Brian was always good about helping me to identify irrational thinking.  I've come a long way, but I still struggle.

I am my worst critic.  I constantly evaluate myself with a standard that will never be met.  I am always thinking about how I could do something better or wondering if I haven't measured up to someone's expectation.

This past week has been a fantastic week.  We have seen some amazing things happen.  Yet, tonight, I find myself a little deflated.  I'm not sure if it is let down or if I am just feeling overwhelmed.  I am struggling to sift through my thoughts and wondering if what we did really mattered.

The rational side of me says of course it mattered.  The irrational side of me says "you could have done it better, you didn't meet everyone's expectation, why even try".  I know the irrational thoughts are irrational.  Yet, why do I let them creep in and dominate my thoughts.

I take every situation, every conversation and analyze it until I make myself crazy.  On the positive side, I think I try to always be open to an honest evaluation.  On the negative side, I sometimes don't know how to keep the big picture in front of me so that I don't let the small failures be all that I see.

I've been somewhat caught off guard by the lack of support for one of the outreach efforts we did by people I thought would be on board.  I was discouraged last night when I heard judgmental comments being made about the people we were serving.  I was disappointed in some people who didn't seem to "get" what we were trying to do all week.  I can't exactly put my finger on it but the support for ministering to "non traditional families" was lacking.

To be sure, there were tons of people on board with the efforts.  I have to constantly remind myself that there were about 100 adults who did "get" it.  I shouldn't worry about the handful who chose to be critical....but I do....it's a struggle within....

Constructive criticism is always welcome and I appreciate and respect it.  Judgmental criticism towards people we are serving is hard to stomach.

I am struggling right now to keep my thoughts where they need to be.  I'm feeling the psychological stress of knowing I am about to have a commercial building sit empty.  I'm taking on a new role at work that feels a little scary right now.  I've come off an incredible week of VBS that was emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausting.  

I'm just spent.  

On the very, very bright side....I'm proud to be where I am at in terms of overcoming the emotional connection between VBS and Brian's death.  I thought to myself last night....it matters not to anyone else but it matters to me that family night has been redefined in my mind.  I no longer connect family night with Brian's death....and last night's family night was a victory for me.  I was a part of making something really cool happen for some kids who really needed our help....I'm very proud of that victory...it's been a long, hard fight for the past 4 years to get past that connection....

So, I struggle with my ability to process thoughts and feelings....I'm praying God will help me learn to do that more effectively....