An Odd Time of Life

The past few months I have been realizing more and more what an odd time of life this is for me.  If I am honest, I feel just as "odd" as this time in life is "odd".  The truth is I really don't have many close friends anymore (my neighbor is the exception but I think proximity has a lot to do with it).  Life has taken us different directions and I haven't had the time to invest in new relationships.   And...there isn't  the possibility of many new relationships....not right now anyways.

I understand that I don't fit in....people don't really see me as a widow anymore (and that's a good thing I think)...I think they see me more as a single parent....one who doesn't have much to offer them and one they have nothing in common with anymore.  

I can't blame anyone for that....and I don't.  I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't have the time or emotional energy to invest in friendships....yet, I oftentimes feel very lonely.  It's not always when I am "alone" that I feel "lonely".....sometimes, the loneliest place in the world is at church....when I am around hundreds of people....I feel alone....

It's an odd place to be at....to know that you feel alone but not to be able to do anything about it....I suppose it shows some of my own prejudice too...I don't really want to be friends with other single parents...I don't see myself as ever fitting in as your traditional "single" parent....

I know I've come a long way on this journey....done some really hard stuff....had some good success at trying to rebuild a meaningful and joyful life.....but the friendships, I've not done too well on.......

Yes, it's an odd time in life.....and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it.....

I'm praying God will either be all I need...or that He will provide some new friendships in my life....afterall, it's pretty sad when you rely on one person to help you with car pool and when that one person is out of the picture you realize how short your list of friends has become....it's not that someone wouldn't help me if I asked...it's  that I feel guilty asking anyone to do something for me because I can't always return the favor...so I don't ask...

And then...if I really get down...I start thinking about how many hours a week I take care of everyone else's kids....I think about all the people who are always demanding we provide more childcare....and that does make me mad.....

But, I digressed....I'm just lonely.....bottom line, this is never how I meant to do life.....

Such a very, very  odd time in life.....