Family Time Takes a Detour

Sunday night is generally the time during the week when we try to do "family time". We stay "unplugged" on Sundays (no television) and so it works well for us to do some type of devotion on Sunday.

However, tonight it became clear that what I had planned for family time was not the direction we needed to go.

For whatever reason, the conversation shifted towards talking about Brian. Braden led us on this detour. He was on a fact-finding mission tonight. He wanted to know details and he was persistent. He wanted to know who knew first that daddy died. He wanted to know what he looked like when he died. He wanted to know what he looks like now, how long he stayed in the ground, if his heart was damaged... the questions were endless.

Sometimes I forget that Braden is behind us several miles in this journey. He is still trying to process the fact that his daddy died and he wants to know about his daddy.

We had a very sweet conversation. Nathan and Lexi helped me answer some of his questions. It was a, dare I say, "beautiful" family time. I'm very thankful that Nathan and Lexi know the kind of man their daddy was....they are much more convincing to Braden than I probably am. Braden listens to how they describe Brian....he was like a sponge soaking up the information tonight.

For the gift of family....and all that entails...I am so very, very, very grateful.

Some good news...finally!

After a dry spell of good news, today finally produced some. My rent house is getting a new roof (courtesy of my insurance company)!!

About a year and a half ago my renter told me he thought we had hail damage. I called the insurance company, they came out and looked at the roof and said "no, it isn't hail damage...it is a defective roof". My renter disagreed but we left it alone.

A couple of weeks ago my renter told me it was leaking more and that he really thought we should call them back out there again. His neighbor next door and across the street got new roofs because of hail damage and he thought we should try it again.

I reluctantly called the adjustor back out there. It was a new guy, new company. Without any hesitation he said we needed a new roof and that the roof and damage from the leaks would all be covered.

So, it just so happens my renter is a roofing guy. He is going to replace the roof for me and this will help him get caught up on his rent before he moves out.

I'm thankful for a new roof and I am thankful my renter is going to be able leave on good terms.

For some good news....I'm so grateful!

The Ups and Downs of Life....

I'm exhausted right now.  We've had a jam-packed full schedule the past couple of weeks.  As I was driving to church tonight I had an almost panicky feeling....It's been too much, driving to Oklahoma for two Sunday and Monday's in a row....I'm worn down.  

To be sure, there have been a lot of Ups and a lot of Downs lately....here's a recap:

My residential renter is behind two months rent....he'll be moving out at the end of June and so I will be looking for new tenants...joy, joy!

There's rumor that my commercial tenant is not renewing his lease at the end of July.  This could be a good thing if I can sell it or release it quickly.  This could be a very bad thing if it sits empty for a long time.  There are significant bills related to this building....and it provides a small amount of income that would be sorely missed.

Nathan hit his TAKS scores out of the park.  He had three tests and only missed one question total out of all three tests.  He scored a 100, 100, and a 97.  I am so proud of him.  He has worked so hard.  He also scored the highest possible on the writing portion of the TAKS.  Wow.  He takes pride in his work and it shows.

My dog knocked out a neighbor's mailbox...145.00 to replace....ouch.

I left my sunroof open on Sunday night and it rained....found a huge mess inside the next morning.

I lost my cell phone and all my contacts.  I replaced it today...I'm out 200.00 more for that replacement.

I met with my professor today and his evaluation of my speaking for his class was good.  The students liked the guest speakers he brought in and indicated it was a very helpful part of the course.  He will be teaching it again next May and he said he'd like me to come back.  We talked about where to go from here and he gave me an idea for my dissertation that's related to children and crisis/trauma.  I'm cautiously optimistic about this possibility.  It would be so meaningful to me to be able to do my dissertation in this field that I am passionate about.

Lexi and I had an interesting conversation tonight about all the things her friends have been saying about sex, sexy, humping, etc.  She is very open with her questions and I like that about her.  It makes it a whole lot easier for me.  Her source of information is one little girl in 2nd grade and 95% of her information is inaccurate.  I'm learning as I talk to her how to sift through the bad info and find out what she really means when she says those words.  Thankfully, Lexi is still very innocent and clueless.  It's a difficult balance to know how to answer enough of the question to give her what she needs to know but not give her too much information that she's not capable of processing yet.  

There are some unique possibilities for expanding what we offer in terms of support for children and their families that we are exploring at church...I don't understand how all of it might work but the possibilities are interesting and exciting.  It's amazing what is out there in terms of grant money....I'm praying God will give us wisdom and discernment in knowing how to pursue it.  It will be a learning experience whether we are able to participate or not.  I'm thankful to know these types of programs are out there.

So...lots going on....still processing and pondering a lot....

One thing is for sure, life is never boring at my house....for that, I think I am mostly grateful.

"I was singing it in my brain...."

Braden had his kindergarten graduation tonight. For whatever reason, he has been determined not to be agreeable about the graduation. He didn't want to wear the cap and gown and told me he was going to rip it off (which, gratefully, he did not do...he stayed fully robed). My expectations were set pretty low knowing he was not excited about it all. Thankfully, since my expectations were so low I wasn't too disappointed that he chose to stand behind his friend so that no one could see him and he chose not to sing. When I asked him about it later he said, "mom, I was singing it in my brain".

He keeps me on my toes (and knees)...for sure.

I'm still struggling with knowing how to best parent him. My perspective is better and my patience has returned. So, with both of those things back in place maybe things will smooth out a little (for him and me).

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days. Driving 4.5 hours will do that to me. I always drift into "what if" land when I am driving. I still don't know what God is doing or why I am so perplexed about it all right now. I'm very thankful and content with where I am at in life and content with all He has blessed me with.

The issues are all far too complex to try to put in words...I think maybe I am at a transition point in my life right now...lots of things have changed or are in the process of changing...I'm realizing some of the secondary losses that occurred when Brian died (that I hadn't yet understood to be significant) and I find myself being sensitive to issues that I wish I wasn't sensitive to....

There have been lots of little setbacks the past week or so....not much has gone right for me...I am a little down about all that. I shouldn't be, but I am.

A part of me says that I shouldn't be surprised by all the irritating things/issues in my life right now...I was moving forward at a pretty fast clip....had some real high points in my grief journey over the past month or so...I saw God working in my life and using me in ways that were blessing me tremendously....I know Satan is real and He doesn't want anything good for us....so, I am asking God to protect me from discouragement..because I know that is not from God.

I have been reading in Hebrews and James over the past few days....very good stuff....for God's word and His promise that He is the same yesterday, today and forever...I am so very grateful.

Pondering...Worrying....Processing

This has been one of those weeks where I have spent an awful lot of my time pondering...worrying....processing.  Every once in a while I tend to question everything I am doing.  I wonder if I am making the right choices in regard to how I am raising my kids.  I wonder if I should try to simplify my life and make radical changes.  I worry that my kids are suffering because of all the roles I try to fill.  I wonder what it would be like to just be a mom....

I also wonder what it would be like to live closer to my extended family.  Braden has spent a week with my mom and dad and is having the time of his life.  He caught a 3 lb catfish last night and has been pulled behind a waverunner on an innertube all day today.  Would it help him if he had more of an influence from a man like my dad?  I'm not sure my dad wants to sign up to spend time with him on a regular basis but I wonder if it would help Braden???

It is so very hard to know how to make choices and decisions on my own.  At least if Brian were here I would have someone to bounce things off of and talk through my worries.  And, it's a lot easier to be courageous when there is someone standing right beside you....I miss that.

Yet, with all of my questions, I see God working in my life in a way that doesn't make sense to throw in the towel.  I love my church family and love my job (95 days out of 100).  I love that I get to go to school and that I have had some pretty incredible opportunities lately to minister....

So, as usual, I feel pulled in both directions.  There is a pull to get some family support....yet, there is an equally persuasive pull to keep pursuing God here....

The bottom line for me is that I want to do what God wants me to do and I pray that is also what is best for my kids....sometimes I get those two things confused and think they may be contradictory...

I've also discovered this week that there are some areas of my spiritual life that need realignment....I'm committed to work on those...and I am praying that when those areas are addressed, the worrying will stop....and clear direction and guidance will return.

Until then...I'm staying on my knees....

On my knees...

I'm praying for myself and for Braden this week.  We had a not so stellar weekend.  I allowed him to push me to the edge.  The frustration level went through the roof.  I had to take him out of the service Sunday morning and bring him home.  His behavior was, to put it mildly, bad.  

Once I got him home we had a come to Jesus pow wow.  It wasn't pretty.  I'm not proud of it.  I said some things in anger that I probably should not have said.

Luckily, my neighbors had not left yet for church and so I called in a huge favor and they took over for me while I went back to church.

Honestly, I felt like (and still do to some degree)  a total failure.  I didn't want to go back to church.  I just wanted to give up and call it a day.

The problem was that I am supposed to be at church on Sunday and Lexi and I had a part in the service.  I didn't want to do the cardboard testimony that morning because of how awful I was feeling about my parenting.  How could I stand up in front of the church and act as if everything were hunky dorey when I wanted to strangle my son just 30 minutes prior to the service?  If it weren't for Lexi and her excitement about doing it I would have bowed out (In retrospect, I'm glad we did it.  Lexi dictated to me what she wanted on her cardboard. When I asked her if it would be ok if we just didn't do it she would hear nothing of it.  She was determined to be a part of it.  In the end,  it was a very sweet and meaningful time).

I was embarrassed by his behavior and sad that I allowed it to affect me the way it did. 

My parents had already graciously offered to let Braden come stay with them for this week to give me a break.  I had called them earlier in the week to say that I was a little worn down from Braden.  So, we loaded up after church and went to Oklahoma.  Braden remained behind and we now have a week to regroup.

I am on my knees asking God to give me wisdom and perseverance in my parenting.  I'm tired and beat down from the ongoing struggle with Braden.  The other two seem to be doing great.  Braden, for some reason, has been angry and defiant for about the past week or so.

God, forgive me for being impatient with Braden.  Thank you that you have a wonderful plan for his life.  Give me insight into how I can adjust my parenting to be more effective.  Help Braden with whatever he is struggling with right now.  Please let this week be a good time for him as he gets to spend time with his grandparents.  May he feel their unconditional love and may the extra attention he gets be just what he needs.  Thank you God for his life that you have entrusted me with.  

A Wild Week....

It's been a wild, wild week.  Here are just a few of the things that happened over the course of the past seven days:

1.  The lady two doors down from me thought someone was breaking in her home (about 11:15pm) and called the police.  My neighbor next door woke me up to tell me that he was going to walk the perimeter of my house to make sure no one was still around.  Honestly, it didn't bother me at all.  I went right back to sleep and really haven't thought a thing about it.  

2.  I found a snake in my living room on Tuesday night.  THAT was a lot of fun to try to deal with....I'm surprised I didn't wake  the kids up with my squeals.

3.  I got an email from a man in our church that caught me off guard.  He emailed me to let me know that he was at the accident scene when Brian had his wreck.  He said he drove slowly by and didn't stop to help.  He said there were lots of people trying to help and he could have but he didn't.  He said he was sorry that he didn't stop and help.  He didn't know it was Brian until later.  My first response was to feel bad that he felt bad for not stopping.  When I responded to his email I told him not to be sorry because it wouldn't have mattered how many people stopped to help....he was hurt so badly.  My second response was to wonder if I should try to talk to him and ask him what he saw.  Maybe he would have some information that might be helpful?  My final response...was to leave it alone.  I don't need to know anything about the accident scene.  It's not going to be beneficial for me to know all the horrific details.  So, I don't plan on ever asking him anything....and I am ok with that.  I do have to wonder why this man decided to tell me this now....almost four years later???????

4.  I called the police at 3am Friday morning because my neighbors directly behind me were apparently under the influence of something that caused them to stand outside, play ping pong and SCREAM at the top of their lungs at each other while beating the paddle on the table.   I've never had to do that before....what a crazy week.

5.  My alarm system on my house decided to do crazy things all night last night.  Apparently, the contacts on the door to my bedroom (from the outside) are messed up.  So, it chimed off and on for about 2 hours straight.  I feel like my sleep has been cursed this week or something.

Let's see, is that all?  I'd just like a good night's sleep tonight...no drama, no storms, no noisy neighbors and most certainly NO SNAKES.

For a quiet night...I'd be ever so grateful!

Cheering from the sidelines...

There was a time in my life when I would run in various races for different causes and charities.  The longest run I ever ran in was a 15k and I did that particular race three times. One of the things that I remember about this race were the people who would cheer from the sidelines.  At every water station there would be some cheerleading group or school group yelling and clapping for us as we ran by and grabbed a drink.  It was always so encouraging to hear those cheers.  It made you want to run a little bit faster and hold your head a little bit higher.  There were also times when you would come across a single person standing on the sidewalk who would cheer for each person as they ran by.  I know that for me, as long as there was somebody cheering for me, I would continue to run and run hard.  It was during those parts of the race when no one else was around that I began to slow down or even take a few feet to walk.

This past week has been one of those times when I have felt like there have been some people cheering me on from the sidelines.  On Tuesday afternoon I was feeling incredibly anxious about speaking the next day to Dr. F.'s class.  I am not one to put out a request for prayer but for some reason that day I felt it was something I really needed.  I was excited about doing it but felt sick to my stomach wondering if I could really do it.  So, I put out a request on Facebook.  I'm not sure what I expected but what I got were lots of loud cheers from the sideline.  There were people I didn't expect to respond who wrote things on my status that deeply touched my heart.  There were several who emailed me words of encouragement.  Honestly, I wasn't expected such loud cheering.  I just wanted people to pray for me.  Instead, not only did they pray, they made me want to run a little faster with my head held a little higher.

I posted an update afterwards and again I was blessed and encouraged by the cheers from the sideline.  One lady and I exchanged emails and I never in a million years would have expected her to say the things she said to me.  Her daughter was in my son's class the year that Brian died.  We knew each other only because of our kids.  She goes to another local church.  However, she encouraged me in a way that few other people have done.  I sometimes forget that people have been watching....people I had no idea were touched by Brian's death.

And....my sister posted that I was her hero...I'm no hero and I certainly never expected her to say that.  I can't help but think back to all those knock-down-drag-out fights we had as kids.  We have come a loooong way and I was very taken back by her comment.   I suppose it gives me hope for my kids...that maybe someday their relationship will turn out like ours.

The race has been long and hard but I am so grateful God has sent some people into my life to make me want to keep running the race...with my head held high....I'm in it for the long haul and God has blessed me in some incredible ways lately....for that, I am PROFOUNDLY grateful.

Blessed beyond words....

Today I spoke to Dr. F's crisis counseling class at SWBTS.  There are no words to adequately describe how meaningful this was to me.  For one thing, I considered it such an honor to have been asked to do it.  I completely respect and admire the work and teaching of Dr. F.  God has gifted him with an amazing ability to help people in crisis.  His credentials to help people in crisis are impressive and vast.  He was heavily involved in helping survivors of the Wedgewood shooting in Fort Worth.  I feel very blessed to have been given an opportunity to have him as my counselor for over three years.  I know God could have used anyone to help me, but I am glad He chose him.

I struggled to know how to approach the hour that I was given to speak.  I wasn't sure how much of my story to tell or what to focus on.  He gave me some direction but not a lot.  I landed on a plan that seems to have worked fairly well.  I told the story of what happened and then talked about my experience as a wife, mother, minister, counselor and client.  The group seemed most interested in how I dealt with my children.  It was a very positive experience for me.  I viewed it as yet another way God has brought good out of a very bad thing.

Afterwards I stayed and talked with several students and Dr. F.  It was so cool to hear the things that they appreciated me sharing.  It was very affirming.  Dr. F. told me that when he began to plan for this class he immediately thought of 2-3 people he wanted to come and speak.  He said I was one of those people that he felt could have a unique perspective and impact.  It was a nice conversation and he told me that when he taught the class again he would like for me to consider coming again.

One of the things that he said was that this is sort of a neat transition for me in that now I am able to train others how to help.  Wow.  What a cool thing....to have come to the point in the journey where God can use me in that way.

I 'm blessed beyond words tonight....and exhausted.....I won't lie, it was stressful and emotionally draining....but I wouldn't trade the experience for the world....

So very, very grateful and hopeful....

Mother's Day 2009

I love my kids. They bless me....beyond words.

They were very resourceful this year in making me a Mother's Day gift. They got the wood out of the garage (the big picture board used to be a drawing board that Brian had), they scammed some blue paint from the neighbor, and they made a HUGE mess doing it. However, what can a mom do or say when they are doing something from their heart.

The breakfast plate was Nathan's creation. His artistic side came out. Notice the way everything is placed on the plate. I especially liked the twizzlers dipped in chocolate...a new treat!

It has been a good day.....joy abounds!

Kids.....

The past three or four days have been interesting with the kids. Braden is on a streak of making bad choices. He had a rough day at school on Thursday and got in a knock-down drag out fight with the neighbor boy this afternoon. I came outside to see him and C rolling on the front lawn. It was not a pretty sight. I'm not sure what is up with him. He has been doing really well over the past few months. I asked his teacher if things had been building or if this was just out of the blue. She said it was completely out of the blue and she was baffled by it as well. Needless to say, he went to be early tonight. Let's hope he wakes up in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

He's on my heart though....I'm praying God will give me insight into what is going on in his little mind and heart. He is a great kid but when he starts making bad choices it can get ugly fast!

Last night Lexi and I had some long conversations. It was a beautiful evening and we just sat out on the grass in the front yard and talked. She was extremely tired from a fun field trip and so I think her emotions were on edge to begin with. I was surprised when she told me she didn't like me going to school. She thought I was too busy. I was taken back by her comment. From my perspective, I don't feel like I am that much busier. I do most of my work at night or on my day off. I tried to help give her some perspective and I think it helped some. One of her big beefs was that I didn't go on all the field trips this year. So, we counted up how many she had and how many I went on this year. It turns out she has had 4 field trips and I have been on 2 of them. Next, I asked her to tell me which parents had been on all 4 field trips. No one had. Hmmm....Ok, now who has been on the most field trips? She answered one of the girls in her class and the dad had gone on one and the mom had gone on 2. I reminded her that when daddy was alive we used to take turns going with her. It also turns out that this mom doesn't work outside the home so she is more available. So, when it was all said and done we decided that I had been on just as many if not more than other parents and there was only one me.

Next, she told me about some struggles with a friend of hers. To make a long story short, she shared that this friend had one day told her "I'm glad your daddy is gone"....and then laughed. Wow. I knew this would happen at some point. I know kids can be cruel and they usually hit you where they know it hurts the most. Nevertheless, nothing prepared me for how I felt when she told me that. It took about half an hour for her to finally tell me the story. She just cried and cried and cried.

After our talk, she was like a different child. She was happy, pleasant and very talkative. Today was a good day too. She was the ring leader in getting a mystery mother's day project done. I've been constantly cleaning up messes all day but they got something done they were working on and the world seems to be a better place for them.

Nathan has been his consistent, compliant, hard-working self. I had a blast yesterday watching him on the field trip. He was like a monkey climbing the big rocks at the state park. He also did well on the 3.2 (felt like 13.2) mile run. Lexi and I came in quite a bit behind him but she never gave up and pushed herself extremely hard. This has been a good year for Nathan. I have seen his confidence continue to build. He's still very quiet and shy...but I see even some improvement in that area.

So, I'm still mulling over Lexi's comments about me being too busy. I'm trying to look at it objectively. I don't want to miss a red flag from her. I know that I had already decided not to take any summer courses so that I could spend the whole summer focused on having fun with the kids. I am thinking that was a good decision. I am trying to decide if it was a legitimate complaint or if it is just part of childhood---only seeing things from her own perspective and wanting the world to always revolve around her. She is usually fairly reasonable in her demands so that's why I'm taking pause for thought.

For the gift and responsibility of my children....I'm so very grateful.

Sometimes Life still stinks!

Life has been really smooth and good for the past several months. This Spring has been fantastic. I have seen many things accomplished and finished up some major goals.

But, today I was reminded that sometimes my life just stinks! I had to put on my landlord hat today and it was very discouraging and disheartening. I went to check on the rent house on my lunch hour because my tenants were late in paying (actually, they didn't pay in April and then May is a few days overdue). The bottom line is that it looks like I am going to have to find new renters....and I am out 2 months rent.....arrrrrrrggggghhhhh!

I do not like the landlord hat...it doesn't fit me....but, the market isn't such that I could sell it for a good enough price to warrant getting rid of it.

SO, tomorrow begins the drama of getting a locksmith to let me in....finding out what kind of shape it is in....and dealing with whatever is there for me to deal with....and, finding a new tenant.

I so didn't wake up this morning thinking I would be dealing with this.....

God, grant me wisdom and grace in dealing with this very unpleasant situation. Help me to do things in a way that honors you. You know my needs and I pray you would provide for those needs. Help my tenants to do the right thing too. Grant me peace in knowing I can trust You with this issue. You are always faithful. Help me remember that...amen.

Something to pray about....

Next Wednesday, May 13th, from 10:30-11:30am I will be speaking to a crisis counseling class at SWBTS about what I have learned as a result of Brian's death. My counselor is also a professor and he has asked me to come speak to his class. Here is part of the email he sent me today:

"I am excited about you coming to class. I think it will be good for the students to hear you. I am wanting this class to be very practical—I want the students to be able to do effective, basic crisis ministry/counseling when they leave the course. You are in a unique situation having experienced a difficult event, parented children through their difficult time, counseled people following tragic situations, and worked with your church and community in developing a crisis partnership.

Regarding what you talk about—I would like you to talk some about your personal experience—what happened and some of what you went through following. Please feel free to share whatever you like in this area. But also, please feel free to withhold whatever you like, as well. I only want you to share those things you feel comfortable sharing at this time. The other part is talking about the connection of the event to your interest in the crisis counseling area, and, as a result, what you have been doing."

I have been doing a directed study under him this semester and so this is the culmination of my semester of work coupled with my own personal experience. I'm honored and humbled by the invitation. He had a front row seat to my grief and has been a huge part of my healing. For him to ask "me" to speak to "his" class....well, it is just very special.

So, I'm praying...asking God to show me what He would have me to say. I don't want to waste their time. My prayer has always been that God would use this someday for His glory. I suppose this is part of his answer to my prayer.

I may lose some sleep over this one...

For glimpses of good....that only God can orchestrate...I am so very, very, very grateful.

Fun times with the Family

The pictures above are the kids at Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine, Texas. Brian's mom and brother and his kids came down for a getaway this weekend. My kids had a fantastic time with their cousins. Nathan's comment on the way home from the hotel last night was "mom, can we do something like this with them again?" It was a sweet time and I found myself completely and totally enjoying spending time with Brian's family. It seems we have created (at least for this weekend) a nice post-Brian relationship. I felt loved and accepted and I know my kids felt a strong connection to Brian's family this weekend. I couldn't help but see Brian in his brother's facial expressions this weekend.

Brian's mom, who is 72, rode every ride. Yes. Every. Ride. Wow. I was impressed. The only trouble she had was getting in and out of the tubes. I can't help but know that Brian was grinning somewhere in heaven. I hope I do things like that when I am 72.

I'm sure it helped that we had no distractions and that we were on neutral ground. Regardless, it was one of the sweetest times we have spent together since Brian died. I am very thankful for this weekend.

This weekend answered some questions about where we stood in relationship with them. I feel more at ease and peace about continuing this post-Brian relationship. I think they really do want us to stay a part of their lives and I am thankful for the assurance of knowing that.

Who knows how life will change or how our relationship will change over the years..I don't expect or want it to stay the same forever....but, for now...it's good....and I am grateful...really, really grateful.