Black Friday

For the past five Black Friday's I have visited Brian's grave.  The first year I went to the cemetery I walked around struggling to find his grave.  I had not visited there since the burial on June 21, 2005.  His headstone was not in place yet and I found it very difficult to remember anything about the location where the burial was.  There was an older couple walking around the cemetery that day.  As I watched them walk around I muttered to myself, "I'm too young to be visiting my husband's grave".  After several attempts to find his grave, I began to feel guilty.  I thought to myself, "What kind of wife doesn't know where her own husband's grave is?"  When I finally found it I dropped to my knees and began weeping.  I was alone, my family didn't know I had slipped off to go to the cemetery.  I will never forget that day.  It was a cruel reminder of the finality of his death.

Yesterday, I took Braden with me to visit Brian's grave.  We drove right to it.  I know exactly where it is, I know the landmarks to find it, the road to turn down to get there...it's familiar.  As is our custom, he put his hands on the headstone to see how much he had grown.  His hand continues to become larger and larger in relation to how small it was when he was two years old.  As I watched him touch it I was thankful for Brian's legacy of love.  Brian left a clear path for the kids to follow.  They have no doubts about whether their dad loved them.  They have no doubts about his character or faith.  I'm thankful for that, truly thankful.

Each year when I go to his grave it seems to get a little easier.....it's a familiar place of emotion and memories....I'm finding that life continues to push me forward and that his gift of love to me and the kids provides a certain amount of inspiration to make sure we are "more than just ok".  I think he would mostly be proud of us...proud of how we've managed....proud of how we still honor him.  He was a great man....for his life, I am extremely and profoundly grateful.

Count Your Blessings....Name them one by one....

I wanted to take a few minutes to "count my blessings".  Thanksgiving provides a mental cue for me to stop and consider all that I have to be grateful for in my life.  Here is my list for 2009:

1.  I'm thankful for new beginnings, endings, and detours.  God uses everything in my life to teach me about His character and presence.  I'm especially thankful that another semester has just about come to a close.  I emailed off my paper last night and finished up a video/powerpoint presentation tonight.  

2.  I'm thankful for my parents.  My mom has been incredible to me this fall.  There is no way I would have made it through all the events/trips/expectations/school demands had she not come to rescue me several times.  My dad has given me room to make decisions but has also provided timeless wisdom and insight when I needed it.  A couple of weeks ago he told me he was proud of me and all that I was accomplishing.  His words are so powerful in my life.  Thank you God for my mom and dad.  Keep them healthy and safe and may they be a part of my life for many years to come.

3.  I'm thankful for my kids and the way they inspire me to "swing for the fence".  I love the way Nathan works hard at school and is driven to excellence.  Lexi is a joy to be around and her tender faith is a huge blessing in my life.  Every day when I look at Braden I am reminded of Brian.  I love that he looks just like him.  I love his smile.  My kids are a gift, a treasured, precious gift.  Thank you God, Thank you God.

4.  I'm thankful for opportunities to stretch and grow.   I count it a privilege and joy to be able to go back to school and learn.  I get jazzed about the things I am learning.  If I could, I would go to school for the rest of my life....I love learning...absolutely love the process of learning.

5.  I'm thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.  We are blessed.  Thank you God for your provision and faithfulness.

6.  I'm thankful for hot showers, bubble baths, caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, long walks on beautiful Fall days, family time, summer vacations, a job I love, a great elementary school for my kids to attend, the support of our local church family and friends who know me well and love me anyways.

7.  I'm thankful for affirmation that helps me see God's work in my life.  I'm thankful for those people who speak words of affirmation to me when I most need it.

8.  I'm thankful for a beautiful home and wonderful neighbors.  

9.  I'm thankful for music and the songs God has used to speak to me this year.  

10.  I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ....who brings beauty from ashes.

High Points, Perspective, and Peace

This past Sunday I participated in a cardboard testimony service.  At some point there will be a video and I will post it here.  However, for now, I wanted to get down some of my thoughts about that experience.  First of all, it felt like a very natural expression of God's grace in my life.  I had no problem doing and felt honored to participate.  Lexi was also a part of it (by her choice).  After it was over I had several people thank me for being willing to do it.  One lady told me I was very "brave" to do it.  Other people commented on Lexi's participation and indicated her part in it brought them to tears.  Honestly, it wasn't a "brave" thing to do.  It was just the "right" thing to do.  God has been faithful to me and the kids, He deserves the credit and I wanted to give Him that glory.  In the second (of four total) service I was caught off guard and incredibly moved when (at the end of the song) the congregation rose to their feet to clap.  I never expected it would illicit such a response.  When I began to see people standing and clapping I was overcome (internally) by God's presence and encouragement.  It's a moment I will never forget.  I managed to keep most of my emotions in check but I was moved to a level I haven't experienced in a long, long time.   It was definitely a high point for me.  I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share my testimony of God's amazing grace in my life.

Today, I had the opportunity to share my story with a group of ladies who are in our Job Corps program.  I used the theme of "perspective" to talk about how limited our view of God's work in our life is.  We played a game where they were to guess some "mystery" pictures. The pictures were close-ups of random objects and they were to try to determine what the picture was based on the close-up.  It provided the example of how little we see and know of God's big picture in our life.  None of them were able to guess all the pictures.  As a matter of fact, their accuracy was dismal.  In the same way, none of us are able to accurately judge God's work in our life because we see such a limited, finite view.  The God of eternity sees us as we someday will be, and there is no way for us to draw conclusions based only on what we see now.  It was a sweet time and a growing time for me.  I'm becoming more and more comfortable telling my story and sharing how God is bringing beauty from the ashes of my life.  Again, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be able to speak of His goodness.....and, I'm extremely grateful to be where I am at and not where I was at four years ago.  Yeah God!

Peace.  For the past few days I have been at peace with the issues surrounding my building in Granbury.  It's almost unexplainable how much peace I have about it right now.  This weekend, I was consumed by it, today I am able to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.  I'm praying that God will close the door if it isn't the right decision for me.  And, if He does close it, I can be grateful for that...truly grateful...and at peace.  

The kids and I will be (and are) more than just ok....of this I am certain....

Just Hanging Around...

My Inspiration and Motivation

I picked up our Christmas pictures today from Chantel.  I have about 200 pics to choose from.  I am sure many of them will find their way onto my blog at some point.  This is one of my favorites...just love it!

My kids are my inspiration and motivation to keep going even when I'd like to quit.  I'm grateful God has blessed me their lives.

Over the Edge....

It's been an incredibly busy and stressful week.  There was one point this week when I thought I was seriously about to lose it.  Every hat that I wear was tested all at once last week.  I didn't sleep well all week.  I wasn't ever able to shut myself down mentally or emotionally.

I finally got some relief today.  I am so thankful.

It's been one of those weeks when I wonder if I shouldn't pack up and move back to Oklahoma and rest for a day or two...or a year.  

I'm not complaining, I'm just being real.  

The most significant hat that I wear is my parenting hat....and I felt like this week almost pushed me over the edge.  I love my kids...adore my kids...but, they wore me out this week.  I felt defeated as a parent.  I kept thinking it would get better....and it didn't...not until today....and I am soooo thankful.

I don't know that I will ever have a week like that again...it was a perfect storm...pressured in all areas of my life...every single one.

I hope the relief I am feeling lasts.....because I am not sure how much longer I can hold it all together.  

The most discouraging thing....is that there really isn't anything I can do about a lot of it...without creating major, earth-shaking change in my life.  I feel stuck in a life that sometimes demands more than I can produce.

School is breathing down my neck.  I spent my "day off" teaching a class for my internship.  It went well...actually, it went very well.  Two students got my email address to contact me with some questions and one student asked if  she could take me to lunch sometime.  So, that was cool...but honestly, after I finished it my mind shifted into overdrive for the next challenge of the day...I never really got to enjoy the fact that it went well because I was headlong into the next item on my life...the good news is that I am done with the internship...no more classes to teach and prepare for....and the online class is almost over as well.  The bad news is that I still have a major paper due in about 10 days and I still have some significant work to do on it.

I can't seem to keep track of all my kid's projects, assignments, payments for field trips, homework, etc.  I've never struggled with this before.  I've always been able to keep a good grip on it...right now, I'm just trying to survive and that isn't a good spot to be in.

The building drama has intensified.  My mind can not rest worrying/thinking about it.  I had to go meet with a contractor today.  It took half of my day to do it.  The interesting thing is that the potential buyer showed up and I met him.  I had finished talking to the contractor and went next door to the store to get a drink before we drove back home.  While we were in the store, they showed up.  I noticed someone in the building when I got back to my car and decided to check it out.  I walked in and they were sitting on a desk eating their breakfast...like they owned the place.  I asked them who they were and they told me....then I told them I was the owner and their jaw dropped open.  It was actually very humorous.  They told me they had seen several cars and just stopped by to see what was going on.   My interpretation:  they are very interested if they felt it necessary to see what was happening and had the nerve to go in my building and sit down to eat.  To be fair, my realtor had given them a key to have some contractors in there to give bids...so they weren't there without my consent...but I found it strange they would be so curious as to what was going on that they would stop to check it out.  I hope this means what I am interpreting it to mean....we shall see.

Work hasn't been a walk in the park either.....I've been at this church for 13 years and I have never had the kind of challenges I had this week...I hope to never repeat another week like that...

So....it's been a tough week...I'm anticipating Thanksgiving and praying it will be a change of pace in terms of schedule and stress.....I do have so much to be thankful...and I look forward to celebrating that.

Building Drama/Update

For my lunch time enjoyment today, I spent it with my realtor who is listing my commercial property. She met with the city code enforcement nazis and the potential buyer today for several hours. It seems the city has the ability to force me to spend thousands and thousands of dollars in order for my building to be in a condition to sell or lease.

I was so happy to hear how thoughtful and kind they were about it all.

I wasn't surprised at all. Maybe a little disappointed...but not surprised.

I knew reality was going to bite when it came to the city of Granbury and what they would force me to do.

I just don't understand how they can have so much power....

Regardless, the buyer is still interested and is still working towards making a deal. The bad news is that I will take a financial hit that I'd prefer not to have to take. The potential buyer is bringing in contractors to get bids so that we have hard numbers as to what it would take to make a deal. We shall see where that goes.

Honestly, I just want this whole drama out of my life. Almost to the point of not caring what it costs....not sure that is a good place to be, but that is where I am at.

My perspective is this: I have already been through the worst thing that could possibly happen to me...I made it through it...this pales in comparison to that. In the grand scheme of life, it won't matter 20 years from now that I had to take a lump on the chin in order to sell it. I've made it through so many other things, I know I will make it through this. The reality is that people are losing their houses, their jobs, and their dignity over the economic downturn...Me, I will be just fine....more than ok.

So, whatever happens or doesn't happen...we'll be ok....just wish we didn't have to ride this darn rollercoaster called life....I'd much prefer a nice, scenic train ride...that has a beginning and ending and makes a loud noise when danger is dead ahead....

A Child's Grief

All the books tell you that children grieve in bits and pieces.  They aren't able to make sense of all that they lost at the time of the loss.  So, as they grow and mature and realize what they lost, they continue the grief process.

Lexi had a grief moment tonight.  It was more than a moment...it was one of her more emotional expressions of her loss.

We finished a long book last night about a little girl whose dad was in a car wreck and she was trying to get to him to "wake him up".  It was a really cute book and the ending was perfect (she was able to wake him up).  I asked her about it tonight.  I asked her what she would have said if she had a chance to talk to her dad before he died.

At first she deflected the question.  But, then she started to think about it and she began to cry.  

I held her as she laid in bed and cried...and sobbed....and her tears fell onto my face and joined mine.  I told her to let it out....and that I still cried sometimes too....and that it was ok.  I held her until she stopped several minutes later.

We talked about it some more.  I told her that I asked the question because I thought she might be thinking about that when she was reading the book last night.  I was just wanting to hear what she thought....instead, it opened up some emotion and feeling.

I think it was a healthy thing for us to do that.  It reminded me of how much more grieving she has to do....and it gave her a chance to release some of the emotion.

There's a part of me that wishes my kids could find an ending point to their grief.  It seems unfair to ask them to carry this burden for the rest of their life.  It's not that I want them to "get over it".  It's that I want them to get some relief from it and be able to integrate the loss into their life.  I know they are many years away from that....and that hurts me to think about all the tears that have yet to be shed.  

God help me be there when they need to cry...help them to feel open to grieve...and may I be an instrument of Your healing in their lives.