Just Trust Me

Last Friday I was glued to the television set watching the weather as tornados were being spotted around the metroplex. My kids were with me and were a little miffed that we had to watch the weather instead of the movie we had picked out to watch that evening. I told the kids to go and get their pillows and blankets and put them in the guest bathroom so that we would be ready if we needed to take cover. They scurried around the house and got the things they wanted to put in there. Lexi even put "SuperBee" (a stuffed animal she got to take home from school because of her good behavior) in there. Once that was done the questions started.

Is it time yet...do we need to go to the bathroom?

Where is the tornado? Is that near us?

Will you tell us when we need to go to the bathroom?

So, if a tornado comes it will suck us up right?

Will our house blow away?

Is the tornado in Burleson?

I hear something...is it the tornado?

What if the tornado sucked us up would we die?

When we go to the bathroom do we put the blankets over our head or do we sit on them?

Which way is North? Are we in North Fort Worth?

And...the questions went on and on and on. Finally, in frustration I said to Lexi (in a very irritated voice): "Lexi, trust me honey that I will tell you when we need to go take cover....trust me that I am watching the weather and I know what to look for....please trust me that I am going to take care of you....I am going to do everything in my power to make sure we are safe....just trust me Lexi"

Lexi was so focused on her worries and on trying to make sure she knew exactly what to do and when to do it that she forgot she had a mom who would do anything to protect her daughter. But...She couldn't relax....she was obsessed with trying to understand what was going on and what she should be doing about it.

My frustration with her was that she was questioning me like I didn't know what I was doing. I was intently focused on the weather and where the tornados were at. We were prepared...we had a plan....and if the situation warranted it I would have had the kids in a safe place when the storm hit. Beyond that, there was nothing more we could do....and I understood that, but she didn't.

And then a lightbulb went off....I have been just like Lexi with God....I have asked him five hundred million questions and even insinuated that maybe He didn't know exactly what He was doing. I can almost hear Him saying the same thing to me... "just trust me Shelly....trust me that I will be faithful to you....trust me Shelly....just trust me" And....His love for me....far exceeds the earthly love I have for my daughter.....there will be storms in this life....but He promises to be there with me...and He has.....for that I am grateful....

Contentment

I think it is important for me to share/document the fact that there has been a pretty significant shift in my grief journey. For months and months and months people would ask me the million dollar question "how are you doing?" For a while I grew to hate that question. I felt like there wasn't an easy or honest answer to it and frankly, I didn't even know how I was doing myself. Not to mention the fact that I knew very few people really, truely wanted to know the answer I would have to give them if I was being truthful.

However, yesterday, an old friend came by and she asked me "how are you doing".....the way that I answered her question surprised even myself. My answer was that I was doing really well (said with a genuine smile on my face).....I told her that I hadn't felt this good in a long time....and it was the truth.....I am feeling good....I have never felt more content in my entire life (that I remember anyways). I am enjoying and appreciating life again.

I am still a little puzzled by it. How could I be so content? Why am I so hopeful and yes, even happy? Nothing huge has changed. I am still an only parent. I still have to deal with the kids, the bills, the lawn, the car, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the discipline issues with kids, etc, etc, etc....my responsibilities are endless.....but so is my hope....

I am somewhat cautious in even writing this because I know that grief tends to hit you when you least expect it...and I don't think I will ever completely lay my grief to the side and abandon it forever.....but, it isn't permeating every aspect of my life. I am not thinking about Brian every hour of every day.....I am not replaying the last week of our life over and over and over again like I used to....he isn't the first thing I think about in the morning and sometimes not even the last thing I think about at night....(I do still think about him several times a day...but that is a big change from thinking about him constantly)

Contentment. For me it means that I am no longer defining myself or my happiness by what could have been or should have been....it means that I am determined to make the most of the life God has given me. Contentment lays aside the circumstances of life and focuses on the purposes of my life....to love God, to love my family,and to love and serve others.....and the bottom line is this...I am ok with the life I am now leading....it isn't what I planned....it isn't ideal....but I am finding gratitude is the best recipe for contentment....and I have much to be grateful for....(maybe I will write a post about all the things that I am grateful for....it would be a long one)

I know some healing has taken place.....I know that I am in a better place than I was even a month or two ago....I am more certain than ever before that we are going to be "more than just ok".....

Thinking Blogger Award

Thanks to the help of my good friend Smitty I am now able to list my two suggestions for the Blogger Thinker Award:



Crockpot Faith

Bit of Smoke


The authenticity that you will find by reading these two blogs will bless you.

I think the rules are that I am supposed to tag five people. However, I am fairly new to this and just have two for now.


Thanks and happy blogging!

He Says He's a SIX!

Several months ago I asked my 8 year old son where he was at in terms of his desire to become a Christian. I asked him to consider where he was on a scale of one to ten. One would be "I am not interested at all in becoming a Christian" and ten would be "I am ready to become a Christian". His answer then was a "three". I was hardly overjoyed but I was thankful that we had at least found a way to talk about it and I felt like he was being completely honest about where he was at.

Tonight I asked him again. This time...he said he was a six! I am encouraged by that because it tells me he is closer than he was several months ago. After the initial talk I have been more diligent about sharing my faith story with him and I have been praying for him.

It wasn't too terribly long ago that I didn't feel like there were any signs of spiritual activity going on in his life. Now, I can definitely see the signs of life.....It isn't that I am trying to rush him or encourage him to make a decision he isn't ready to make....I am just so glad to know that he is getting closer....the process is underway....for that I am grateful....

I also asked him where he was on the scale in terms of how he was in relation to his daddy's death. One would be "It still really hurts and I am still very, very sad" and ten would be "I am ok...I still miss him but I am ok". His answer tonight was a "seven"....for that I am also grateful.....

Our conversation tonight became an opportunity for me to tell him how proud I was of him and how proud his daddy would be of him. He is doing well in school....his behavior at home is good....I told him I'd take a dozen of him.....and I would....and I know his daddy is so proud of him and the young man he is turning out to be........(this is where I now wait for lightning to strike because that always happens when I brag on my kids....but I really am proud of Nathan regardless of what bonehead thing he might do tomorrow)

Tadpoles, Caterpillars and Roly Polies

Over the past few weeks I have enjoyed watching my kids interract with nature. I get a real kick out of watching them explore the outdoors. Today we went to the local park and caught tadpoles. It felt so good to be there at the park watching my kids get excited about a bunch of smelly tadpoles. I was glad that we were there instead of the local ballfield. I decided to skip spring sports this year and make it a point to be outdoors with the kids.

Part of my reason is that my kids just aren't that into sports and I have grown weary of trying to encourage them to like something that they really don't have a whole lot of interest in. More importantly though, is the fact that I have this theory (which could be entirely wrong) that maybe the most important thing I can do for my kids right now is to just let them be kids. I watch other families who I dearly love keep the road hot from all the activities and sports their kids are in and it makes me tired and stressed just observing them.

I guess if my kids were begging me to put them in 500 different activites I would be more than happy to support them in whatever they did. But, the truth of the matter is that my kids are happiest when we are at home and when our schedule is full of down time and play time.

I know I am going against the flow and in many ways we don't fit in with most families. But, I am willing to hedge my bets that my kids are going to be ok....even without 500 activities to "enrich" their life.

I am not sure exactly where I am going with this....but I have just felt a strong conviction lately that the value of kids catching tadpoles, caterpillars and roly polies has gone by the wayside....It is working for us....our life seems to be so much better right now....without all the busyness....

God's Will?

I listened to a sermon last night about the Lord's Prayer. The speaker suggested that one of the most important aspects of prayer is praying for "thy will to be done...on earth as it is in heaven". He emphasized that we should be willing to say to God every day "God may your will be done in my life...not my will...not my agenda...but your will".

I can buy that. I think he has a great point to be made that prayer should bring us to a place where we so desire God's will for our life that we won't settle for our own agenda.

The question is....what exactly is God's will?

Is God's will an over-arching theme of love, purpose, redemption, etc.?

Is God's will some type of blueprint for our lives?

Is God's will set in stone for each of us?

What part do our choices play in God's will?

I've been struggling to reframe my faith....it has become necessary for me to reconsider all that I once so easily believed....it has been a faith-deepening journey...but there are still some key things that I don't understand. One of those key issues is the notion of "God's Will".....

Any takers? I'd love to hear your thoughts....