The tears...they still come

Thanksgiving 2008 has come and gone. For the most part, we had a wonderful time with family. The highlight for me was meeting my new neice. She's a cutie pie. I enjoyed getting to hold her and love on her.

The time spent with family was enjoyable and laid back. No family gathering is complete without a tense moment. This time it was tense between me and my dad. It was a brief incident but it took everything within me to not let it bother me the rest of the night. I've decided it is incredibly difficult to parent my kids while in my parents home. It doesn't matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. If I am too harsh on them, my dad lets me know about it. If, on the other hand, he thinks I am not keeping them in line, I hear about it too. It's frustrating, but not a big deal in the grand scheme of ife.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with Brian's family. Again, for the most part, it was a sweet time. I struggled a little bit when something caught me off guard. About 7 years ago Brian built his mom and dad a solid oak entertainment center. It took him a long time to make it and he was especially proud of it. He and his oldest brother (who has also since died) went together and bought them a new television to go in the new entertainment center he built. It was a sacrificial gift on both of their part. And, while there are four brothers, only two of them contributed. Fast forward to this weekend. Brian's mom informed me that they were moving the entertainment system out because Greg (one of the brothers who didn't contribute) was replacing it with a 52 inch plasma television for Christmas. I am thrilled for his parents, it just caught me off guard that they were so easily getting rid of a gift that Brian made for them.

It shouldn't matter to me that Greg is giving them a new and better unit. But, for some reason it did. I think I interpreted it as disloyal to Brian. It felt like they were moving on, forgetting about the love and sacrifice that went into that gift. I know better than to think they have forgotten him or that they don't still think of him every single day. But, again, it still bothers me.

And then.....as I was driving home to Oklahoma, I found myself replaying the burial at the cemetary. It still hurts. It still brings tears....lots of tears. I wonder, at what point, I can replay that day and not cry. I wonder when the tears will be gone.

I didn't go to the cemetary while I was there. I didn't feel like it. I didn't want to. I didn't want the tears to get out of control.

I want to keep growing forward. I want to see progress in the new life I am trying to create for me and the kids. This Thanksgiving was just a reminder that the pain is still there. It takes a lot more to bring it to the surface, but it is still there.

Dread....

The semester is winding down.  I only have one more week of classes.  Today I received the last paper from a student in our class who will be presenting the last day.  His topic was on the importance of the father in the home.  I read through it today.  

Ouch....it was painful to read.

Statistics indicate my kids are likely to suffer/struggle from many more things than two parent families.

I was discouraged when I read it.  Really discouraged.

I'm not sure I can sit through two hours of learning about why my kids are going to be hurt by the absence of their father.

I dread it.  I don't want to go to class.  I really don't.

I don't want to leave beaten down.

This particular student is from another culture, one that stresses the dominant father role even more so than American culture.  His paper is nothing but a discourse on how screwed up kids will be when they don't have a father in the home.

I understand how important the father is.  I just wish his paper had offered more hope to the single moms.  Single parents are an easy whipping target.  I hate that.

I don't know how to deal with the dread I feel about going to class....it's going to be hard to listen to it.

What does that say about me?  I don't know.  Maybe it says I am in too much denial about my kids and how they may turn out.  I don't want to accept the "norm" of what happens when kids don't have a father in the home.  I'd like to think we will be different....but maybe we won't.  

Truth is, my kids haven't had any of the major problems this paper lists...yet.  Maybe it's too early to tell.  Maybe the worst is to come.

Or, maybe we will be able to defy the odds....that's what I am hoping for....

Dread.....pure dread.....I don't want to go and listen to all the reasons my kids may be messed up......I prefer to "hope" in God's role in their life......

Habakkuk

I stumbled across the book of Habakkuk today. It's not a book I have spent much time reading. I don't know that I ever have studied it, before today.

It's always amazing to me how God's Word is alive and timeless. Any time I earnestly study a passage, God speaks to me.

At this point in my life, the book of Habakkuk resonates with me for a variety of reasons:

1. Habakkuk was honest (brutally honest) with God about his questions related to God's sense of fairness and justice. Habukkuk didn't understand why God was allowing evil men to prosper. He questioned how God could allow evil to occur. It's the age old theolgoical debate, If God is good, why do bad things happen?

2. God responded to Habakkuk's plea for answers. He assured Habakkuk that He had a plan and that His plan would serve an eternal purpose. He reminded Habakkuk that justice will prevail and that He is sovereign. He also spoke truth about those who trust in anything but Him (ouch).

3. In Chapter 3 we see that Habakkuk recognized God's presence in His life, responded by worshipping God, and determined to trust God...even though things were bad, even though things weren't going well, Habukkuk said "yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength..."


Times are uncertain right now. It appears, at times, that evil is flourishing. The economic state of our country is a reflection of greed, dishonesty, poor management, and scandal. I have been reminded that we should never put our trust in what we "build" for ourselves. God can and will use "evil" to accomplish His purposes. I wonder how His purposes will be accomplished in the coming days, months and years.

It's interesting that Habakkuk describes God as Sovereign. If you read chapter one it looks like "sovereignty" is a huge issue for Habakkuk. Yet, by the end of the book, he uses it as a descriptor for God.

Habakkuk is going through an incredibly difficult time. His country is about to be attacked by the Babylonians. Yet, he pursues God, listens to God, and then determines to trust Him as a Sovereign God.....and he finds JOY in that.

Wow....I see an example for me to follow: 1). Be honest before God with my questions 2). Listen, really listen for God to respond (Habbukuk said he would wait until God spoke) 3). Trust God. Find joy in serving a Sovereign God.

This book serves as another reminder to me that it is ok to question God. Questioning God starts the conversation....it gets the dialogue going.....it brings us to the point of being ready to listen. God isn't surprised when we express the dissonance of serving a perfect God while living in a dying, evil world.

Like Job, Habakkuk allows His encounter with God to redefine his faith and provide hope for his life. My guess is that both Job and Habukkuk found a life of purpose and joy that never would have happened had they not endured evil, questioned God, listened to God's response, and purposed to trust God and His purposes.

I want to be like them.....help me trust, really trust in the sovereignty of God.....and may His joy become my strength.

Back to Reality....studying for the NCE

Now that this semester is almost over, it's time to focus on the NCE.  I have tentatively set January 8th as my exam date.  

For me, it's going to be very challenging.  Most people take the NCE right after they finish their master's degree.  Not me, it's been 10 years!  I found out the week of my graduation that I was pregnant with Nathan.  Needless to say, the NCE was the last thing on my mind for a few years.

But, now, it's time.  I'll finish up my client contact hours within the next couple of months (3,000 hours...it's taken over 4 years).  The only thing left to do is take the NCE.

I studied about 5 hours today and plan to spend most of the day tomorrow studying.  My kids left to go to Oklahoma today and so I will have until Tuesday to get a jump start on the studying.  Then, I guess I will try to allocate at least an hour every night to study.  

Hopefully, I can pass it.  I've never failed an important test but this one is quite intimidating.  The breadth of the material is overwhelming to me right now.

A new challenge....hope I can meet it.

I'm in love.....

I knew that would catch your attention.....

It may sound a little overboard.....but, I'm in love with learning and going to school.  

I love the fact that next semester I am doing a directed study on Crisis Counseling.  I love that I have some choices about my focus each semester.

I love the challenge.  I love that each semester has a beginning, middle and end.  I love that I get a grade for my effort which motivates me to do my best.

I love that when the kids go to bed at night I have something to fill my time....something worthwhile....something that is stretching me.

I haven't always felt this way about school.  I've always been a good student but never have I been so interested and excited about the things I am learning.

Maybe it's that my prior coursework was done before becoming a parent.  I get so jazzed when I learn something that will impact how I parent or teach my kids.  I love that.  I need that.

I may not always feel this way, but for now, the learning process is fantastic.  

For the opportunity to go to school, I am grateful....

Learning from Conflict

I had an experience today in class that I am still reflecting on and trying to learn from how I handled conflict.  The topic was "sex education".  The discussion was in relation to a case study that was shared that included giving a 4 year old information, that in my opinion, was too detailed, too specific and tried to answer questions the child wasn't even asking.  It seemed to be that a very innocent act (the child looking at her body parts) produced a lecture from the parent that included far more information than a four year old could process.  I could never see myself having the conversation that was explained with a four year old....never in a million years.  Maybe a 6-7 year old but not a four year old.  Sparks flew when there were conflicting opinions in the room about whether the information was age appropriate.  

There is room for varying opinions....it's ok with me that we disagreed...I don't expect everyone to agree with me...I just wanted to be clear that he understood why I had an issue with what he was saying...I wanted to feel heard.  On the other hand, he was a little rude and demeaning to anyone who would disagree with him (including the professor).  I felt attacked at times and wondered if it would ever be ok to disagree with him.....He may very well have felt the same way about me...I guess that's where we all have our blindspots...My intention was not for him to feel that way, but I suppose it is possible that he felt the same way about me.

I realized several things from this experience.  One is that I am still learning to find my voice and articulate my beliefs/thoughts at the PhD level.  I need to work on learning to say things with a balance of conviction and grace.  The second thing is that conflict requires me to think.  It requires me to really examine why I think or feel certain ways.  This is a very positive thing.  I thought about this conversation all the way home from school.  It's still on my mind now.  It stretches me to view things from another perspective.  The final thing I learned is that I need to know when to let something go....even if I don't yet feel understood.  There are some people who will never consider another person's opinion.  I need to learn when the battle is unwinnable and let it go.

The other thing I took away from this....I've got some work to do in becoming an "askable parent" when it comes to sex education.  I need to work on creating a more open environment with my kids.  And....I really wish Brian were here to walk through this with Nathan and Braden.  It's going to be challenging without a father to help.....but, we'll get through it.

Conflict really does teach me some important things...but I don't enjoy it! 

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For this Thanksgiving...

Here we go...Shelly's Top Ten at Ten.....

10.  I am thankful for the opportunities for growth that have presented themselves this year.

9.  I am thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.

8.  I am thankful for my mom who has helped me during the busy times of school.  I am especially thankful that she is going with Nathan on an overnight field trip this week so I don't miss an oral exam.

7.  I am thankful that things in Granbury have improved and that most all of our issues have been resolved.

6.  I am thankful that the corporate tax returns are completely up to date.  This is a huge relief.

5.  I am thankful that it has been 3 1/2 years since Brian's death.  I am so grateful that most of the really hard grieving is over...and that we have made great strides to rebuild our life.

4.  I am thankful that we now have a routine and some rituals that work for us as a family.  We have created a good post-Brian life.

3.  I am thankful that I've begun to understand the really important things in life.....family, faith, love, and friendship.

2.  I am thankful for a good job, wonderful friends, and an incredible church family.

1.  I am thankful for the remnants of Brian that I get to enjoy on a daily basis....my children.

And one thing more....I am thankful for God and the way He has worked in my heart and life.  I do trust Him.....I don't understand Him, but I completely trust Him......

Even with the trust....I still wish I could catch a glimpse of my future....sometimes I think I am so content to just be the best mom I can be and not worry about anything else.  Other days, I realize how lonely I am....and wish I knew if I would ever get to experience marriage again....it's the not knowing that is sometimes hard.  The future is mysterious.....but my "present" is good...a little lonely, but life is still sweet.....it really is.

Lots of Meetings....

The past two weeks I have participated in a ton of meetings. All of them have been interesting and educational. I've learned a lot about people and how they function in a group setting. I've watched some people address issues in healthy ways and I have watched others flounder when trying to confront an issue or person.

The most interesting meeting was probably the fourth grade room parent meeting that we had today to plan the Christmas party. I had no idea the drama that goes on in these meetings. This is the first year that I have served as a room parent. I have always helped with the parties but never been in charge. I could go on and on about some of the "control" issues that surfaced....but that isn't really what bothered me.

It happens quite often. I will be in a group of moms and one of them will make a comment about working moms or single parents. In most cases it is in a negative tone. The lady today said "you know I hate to say this, but they are absentee parents. I know they have to work but they just aren't willing to help". She was talking about her frustrations in collecting money for projects or getting help for parties.

Single parents or working moms are second class parents. At least that is what I hear on a regular basis.

I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me when people say that....but it does. I wonder if they don't realize they are sitting beside someone is who BOTH a single parent and a working mom....

I understand that there is a difference between single parent families and two parent families. I am aware that there are some definite deficiencies in my family.

However, we are doing the best that we can. I am as involved as I possibly can be in my kids' school activities. I have stepped up the pace in my involvement and feel that I am more than pulling my weight.

I didn't contribute monetarily to the class project for the auction at the carnival. I heard about "those parents" who didn't contribute today at the meeting as well. I could have contributed but I chose not to because I had reached my limit financially for that month. I had just written a 205.00 check for Nathan to go on the Austin/San Antonio field trip and I needed to say "no" to the request. I didn't see it as anything but trying to be a good manager of my money. I guess this lady thought differently. If there is one thing I will not do it is to give out of guilt or manipulation. I wasn't trying to be uncooperative, I just reached my limit. Had there not just been a huge field trip to pay for I probably would have been more generous. I just didn't appreciate the way this lady portrayed people who didn't participate.

I guess I was surprised at the snootiness of some at the meeting. Maybe their life is perfect and their resources of time and money are unlimited....but mine aren't.

I want to be more involved in my kids school....and I will continue to be as I have opportunities. I do get tired of the little jabs about single parents and working moms.....

I wonder how people view me.....am I sort of an acceptable second class parent/mom since I'm a widow? Or, do they think negatively of me just like every other single parent? Or, are they just clueless when they say things about the very type of person that I am?

I didn't feel singled out today at the meeting. Everyone was nice, friendly and inclusive. I just read between the lines on a lot of things.....

Losing my marital status has been a big adjustment....I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me....the single parent identity is a tough one to swallow....

I'm learning some things....

The lady came by to talk to me today and things went well. It has been a real eye opening experience for me to be exposed to what people are thinking when they are searching desparately for God. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to just want to know Him....I've been so blessed to see the genuine search for God from this lady.

I'm not sure how this story will end. I don't know if I will continue to be a part of her journey or if I have served my purpose completely. She was again very complimentary of how she thought I had helped her. I'm not sure it had anything to do with me. She is a very self-motivated person who has made much progres because she was willing to put in the time and effort to make changes in her life and in her thinking. I take her compliments with a grain of salt but I also see them as affirmations that this is an area God can use me in. I have to admit that I get pretty jazzed when God allows me to "comfort others in the same way in which I was comforted".

I guess the main thing that I have learned from this is that our compassion should have no agenda. We should want to "be Jesus" to others and trust God with the results. So many times I think we get it backwards. We have this spiritual agenda for hurting people and it gets in the way of showing true compassion and comfort. I have seen firsthand how you can meet someone where they are at....extend that compassion and comfort....and then see how that creates a hunger to understand and know God.

I think I am beginning to understand that one of my role's in the body of Christ is to "be Jesus" to those who are hurting. I'm not a charismatic speaker or a dynamic leader....I don't get jazzed about trying to strike up a conversation about God with every waiter, stewardess, salesman, etc. I meet. But, I do feel competent and passionate about helping hurting people. I'm thankful for this emerging role....I'm thankful that the most painful event in my life has led me to the point where I CAN "comfort those in the same way I was comforted"....that I can give back to others because I was given so much compassion, comfort, grace, support and love. I'm not paying it forward....I'm paying it back.....and for that I'm incredibly grateful.

Meeting # 3

I had mentioned a few posts back that I had an opportunity to visit with someone who was in crisis and randomly called our church wanting to talk to a minister. I happened to be the one to end up visiting with her.

Well, she has since been to our church 3 times and to a LifeGroup twice. She emailed me today wanting to come by tomorrow to talk about her relationship with God. She has some questions and wondered if I would talk with her.

So, tomorrow will be meeting # 3. I am still amazed at how curious she is and how much initiative she has taken to set up meetings and to ask questions. She is searching and I feel blessed to be a part of the process.

I'm not sure how tomorrow will go. I am praying that God will direct my thoughts and words and that He will use me to somehow help her in her journey. Mostly, I just hope I stay out of the way. It is very apparent to me that God is working in her life. I don't want to mess that up.

I am thankful that God has given me a front row seat to watch someone's life be transformed by the good news of God's love. I got chill bumps when I read her email today ASKING if she could ask me some more questions. I have never had this type of experience before.

The really odd and strange thing is that I know that my life experience has impacted the relationship that we have established. I don't think I would have been given this opportunity four years ago. I am not trying to make this about me because it isn't....but I do know some walls were immediately broken down when I briefly shared the personal crisis I had been through and that I sort of understood some of her questions....I didn't have the answers to all of them but I did understand the depth of the question....For God being able to use anything in our life for His Glory, I worship Him....

Hey Mom...

I was sitting in the car reading an email on my blackberry when Braden leaned over my shoulder and said "Hey mom, can you text God?"

This weekend his babysitter revealed the fun of texting people when she had the kids text me a message while I was in a meeting. I guess Braden thought if he could text me, then maybe we could text God.

I asked him what he would tell God if he texted Him. In typical Braden fashion he said something completely off the wall. He said "wood". Confused the heck out of me. I still can't figure out why he would want to text God "wood". I clarified what he meant and it was "wood" not "would".

A few seconds later he said, "no, maybe I would text ...I love you". And, that was enough to melt my heart for the evening.

You just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.....for all the smiles and joy he brings to my life, I am grateful.

Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........

Growth Point

I mentioned earlier this Fall that Nathan was struggling in school with his new teacher. Nathan really wanted me to get him transferred to another class. He cried many tears over his frustrations with this new teacher.

As a result, I had a conversation with the teacher and the principal about issues I was concerned about. It was uncomfortable and stressful. I don't like confrontation and I try to reserve complaints for the really big stuff. Teachers have enough stress without parents adding to it.

One of my fears was that I had set Nathan up for a hard year with his teacher. I thought maybe she would hold it against him and be harder on him. I also worried that I had turned into "one of those parents" that principals deal with on an all too frequent basis.

So, I worried that my relationship with the teacher and principal had been harmed and that Nathan might feel some effects of that.

Report cards came out this week and I was pleased and relieved when Nathan received his best report card yet. His teacher said the most kind things any teacher has ever said about him. I am proud of Nathan for overcoming his frustrations and working through the issues. I am thankful for a teacher that can listen to concerns, make adjustments and still be objective about the performance of a child in her class.

In addition, I received a letter in the mail from the principal inviting me to be a part of our "Campus Education Improvement Committee". This committee is made up of parents, teachers and community leaders and is by invitation of the principal. I look forward to being part of a group that supports, encourages and enhances the learning in our school. I have never wanted to be anything but supportive and so this Fall was a particularly difficult situation to be in. I am thankful that my fears and worries were unfounded and that the relationship with Nathan's teacher and the principal is strong.

This fall has been a growth point for both of us. It hasn't been easy or fun but I think we did it in a way that has helped us grow in our ability to address issues and work together towards a solution.

I'm especially proud of Nathan. One of the comments from his teacher was extra special. She said, "Nathan has such a sweet, gentle nature and these qualities are evident in the way he interacts with others." When I read that I thought to myself "he's just like his daddy". Brian was one of the kindest men I have ever known. I know he is proud of Nathan too.

For my children, I am grateful.....for the way they reflect their dad, I am blessed.

High Points for this Week...

The past few days have been extremely busy and filled with some high points worth noting.

On Sunday, we had a guest speaker whose testimony was meaningful to me. The topic was forgiveness and the wife of one of the people who was shot and killed at Wedgewood Baptist Church in 1999 talked about how she came to a point where she was able to forgive her husband's killer. Fogiveness is not a huge issue with me, but the fact that she became a widow in her late twenties connected with me in a powerful way. I am continually amazed at how God is able to bring glory to Himself through tragic life circumstances. It was good for me to be reminded of that....yet again.

Today, our staff went to hear William Young talk about his book, "The Shack". It was again a message that I needed to hear. The one statement that caught my attention was...."People are looking for certainty in life. However, the only certain thing in life is God's character". Wow. How true. It was reaffirming to me because that has been the conclusion I have come to after experiencing Brian's death and all the questions that have come with it. I didn't put it in those exact words, but that's exactly where I landed after searching and questioning God for a good while in counseling. It was again, a good reminder of how God's character has been revealed to me in a very real and powerful way. The author's personal life story was also interesting to hear. It helps me understand more of the book after hearing how he was sexually abused as a child. The pain of the main character in this story is the author's own pain. He shared that it took him eleven years to work through his pain and confusion about how God could allow what happened to him as a boy to happen. I could write a lot more about this, but suffice it say, I was touched deeply by his talk and by his perspective on the character of God.

Finally, I presented my main paper for the semester today. It went well. My grade was given to me after class as well as affirmation about my topic and how I presented it. I couldn't be more pleased and surprised by the positive words from my professor. I have said this before but I love learning and I love that the things I am learning are impacting me and my family in a positive way.

It's been a good week.....for that I am grateful.