Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........