Contentment

I think it is important for me to share/document the fact that there has been a pretty significant shift in my grief journey. For months and months and months people would ask me the million dollar question "how are you doing?" For a while I grew to hate that question. I felt like there wasn't an easy or honest answer to it and frankly, I didn't even know how I was doing myself. Not to mention the fact that I knew very few people really, truely wanted to know the answer I would have to give them if I was being truthful.

However, yesterday, an old friend came by and she asked me "how are you doing".....the way that I answered her question surprised even myself. My answer was that I was doing really well (said with a genuine smile on my face).....I told her that I hadn't felt this good in a long time....and it was the truth.....I am feeling good....I have never felt more content in my entire life (that I remember anyways). I am enjoying and appreciating life again.

I am still a little puzzled by it. How could I be so content? Why am I so hopeful and yes, even happy? Nothing huge has changed. I am still an only parent. I still have to deal with the kids, the bills, the lawn, the car, the laundry, the grocery shopping, the discipline issues with kids, etc, etc, etc....my responsibilities are endless.....but so is my hope....

I am somewhat cautious in even writing this because I know that grief tends to hit you when you least expect it...and I don't think I will ever completely lay my grief to the side and abandon it forever.....but, it isn't permeating every aspect of my life. I am not thinking about Brian every hour of every day.....I am not replaying the last week of our life over and over and over again like I used to....he isn't the first thing I think about in the morning and sometimes not even the last thing I think about at night....(I do still think about him several times a day...but that is a big change from thinking about him constantly)

Contentment. For me it means that I am no longer defining myself or my happiness by what could have been or should have been....it means that I am determined to make the most of the life God has given me. Contentment lays aside the circumstances of life and focuses on the purposes of my life....to love God, to love my family,and to love and serve others.....and the bottom line is this...I am ok with the life I am now leading....it isn't what I planned....it isn't ideal....but I am finding gratitude is the best recipe for contentment....and I have much to be grateful for....(maybe I will write a post about all the things that I am grateful for....it would be a long one)

I know some healing has taken place.....I know that I am in a better place than I was even a month or two ago....I am more certain than ever before that we are going to be "more than just ok".....