On my knees...

I'm praying for myself and for Braden this week.  We had a not so stellar weekend.  I allowed him to push me to the edge.  The frustration level went through the roof.  I had to take him out of the service Sunday morning and bring him home.  His behavior was, to put it mildly, bad.  

Once I got him home we had a come to Jesus pow wow.  It wasn't pretty.  I'm not proud of it.  I said some things in anger that I probably should not have said.

Luckily, my neighbors had not left yet for church and so I called in a huge favor and they took over for me while I went back to church.

Honestly, I felt like (and still do to some degree)  a total failure.  I didn't want to go back to church.  I just wanted to give up and call it a day.

The problem was that I am supposed to be at church on Sunday and Lexi and I had a part in the service.  I didn't want to do the cardboard testimony that morning because of how awful I was feeling about my parenting.  How could I stand up in front of the church and act as if everything were hunky dorey when I wanted to strangle my son just 30 minutes prior to the service?  If it weren't for Lexi and her excitement about doing it I would have bowed out (In retrospect, I'm glad we did it.  Lexi dictated to me what she wanted on her cardboard. When I asked her if it would be ok if we just didn't do it she would hear nothing of it.  She was determined to be a part of it.  In the end,  it was a very sweet and meaningful time).

I was embarrassed by his behavior and sad that I allowed it to affect me the way it did. 

My parents had already graciously offered to let Braden come stay with them for this week to give me a break.  I had called them earlier in the week to say that I was a little worn down from Braden.  So, we loaded up after church and went to Oklahoma.  Braden remained behind and we now have a week to regroup.

I am on my knees asking God to give me wisdom and perseverance in my parenting.  I'm tired and beat down from the ongoing struggle with Braden.  The other two seem to be doing great.  Braden, for some reason, has been angry and defiant for about the past week or so.

God, forgive me for being impatient with Braden.  Thank you that you have a wonderful plan for his life.  Give me insight into how I can adjust my parenting to be more effective.  Help Braden with whatever he is struggling with right now.  Please let this week be a good time for him as he gets to spend time with his grandparents.  May he feel their unconditional love and may the extra attention he gets be just what he needs.  Thank you God for his life that you have entrusted me with.