Delayed Impact

It's taken over four years to fully realize what I lost when Brian died.  I was fortunate and blessed to be insulated from some of the losses that many widows face.  I didn't lose my house or my job.  I didn't have to move or relocate.  For the most part, my address book didn't change much either.  I kept many of the same friends and felt the support and love of an incredible church family.

I was blessed.

I still am blessed.  I'm grateful for the way God's grace has sustained me.

Four years and some change later, I feel the full impact of being a widow...of losing my social identity....of losing the commonalities that are necessary to keep friendships going.  It's tough to finally realize that you absolutely no longer fit in with the same circles you used to fit into.  I'm not sure why it has become so obvious as of late...but it has.  Maybe I was clueless before and now I'm living more in reality...who knows?  

And, if I am honest, I am tired of trying to fit in...I'm weary of pretending it doesn't bother me to be the fifth wheel.  

I've never been in drama or theatre before.....until now.  I act as though nothing bothers me, but it does.  It bothers me a lot.  It hurts a lot.  I hate feeling the full impact...it's no fun.  There are times, as much as I hate to admit it, that I feel an incredible amount of jealousy.  I'd like to have what many people I know have....I can't deny that.  Most of the time I keep it in check, but every once in a while it rears its ugly head.

Delayed impact sucks.  

Delayed impact has got me down.

I'm working on it.  I'm asking God to help me navigate through these tricky issues in a way that is helpful and healing.  I believe with all my heart that I will get through this bump in the road.  I also believe with all my heart this is a necessary part of the journey.   I will get this behind me and when I do I will continue to see the beauty God brings in the rebuilding of our lives.

For His sustaining Grace, mercy and comfort...I am grateful.