Black Friday

For the past five Black Friday's I have visited Brian's grave.  The first year I went to the cemetery I walked around struggling to find his grave.  I had not visited there since the burial on June 21, 2005.  His headstone was not in place yet and I found it very difficult to remember anything about the location where the burial was.  There was an older couple walking around the cemetery that day.  As I watched them walk around I muttered to myself, "I'm too young to be visiting my husband's grave".  After several attempts to find his grave, I began to feel guilty.  I thought to myself, "What kind of wife doesn't know where her own husband's grave is?"  When I finally found it I dropped to my knees and began weeping.  I was alone, my family didn't know I had slipped off to go to the cemetery.  I will never forget that day.  It was a cruel reminder of the finality of his death.

Yesterday, I took Braden with me to visit Brian's grave.  We drove right to it.  I know exactly where it is, I know the landmarks to find it, the road to turn down to get there...it's familiar.  As is our custom, he put his hands on the headstone to see how much he had grown.  His hand continues to become larger and larger in relation to how small it was when he was two years old.  As I watched him touch it I was thankful for Brian's legacy of love.  Brian left a clear path for the kids to follow.  They have no doubts about whether their dad loved them.  They have no doubts about his character or faith.  I'm thankful for that, truly thankful.

Each year when I go to his grave it seems to get a little easier.....it's a familiar place of emotion and memories....I'm finding that life continues to push me forward and that his gift of love to me and the kids provides a certain amount of inspiration to make sure we are "more than just ok".  I think he would mostly be proud of us...proud of how we've managed....proud of how we still honor him.  He was a great man....for his life, I am extremely and profoundly grateful.