I'm beginning to understand what a huge weakness this is in my life. I struggle to sift out truth about situations, people and events. Brian was always good about helping me to identify irrational thinking. I've come a long way, but I still struggle.
I am my worst critic. I constantly evaluate myself with a standard that will never be met. I am always thinking about how I could do something better or wondering if I haven't measured up to someone's expectation.
This past week has been a fantastic week. We have seen some amazing things happen. Yet, tonight, I find myself a little deflated. I'm not sure if it is let down or if I am just feeling overwhelmed. I am struggling to sift through my thoughts and wondering if what we did really mattered.
The rational side of me says of course it mattered. The irrational side of me says "you could have done it better, you didn't meet everyone's expectation, why even try". I know the irrational thoughts are irrational. Yet, why do I let them creep in and dominate my thoughts.
I take every situation, every conversation and analyze it until I make myself crazy. On the positive side, I think I try to always be open to an honest evaluation. On the negative side, I sometimes don't know how to keep the big picture in front of me so that I don't let the small failures be all that I see.
I've been somewhat caught off guard by the lack of support for one of the outreach efforts we did by people I thought would be on board. I was discouraged last night when I heard judgmental comments being made about the people we were serving. I was disappointed in some people who didn't seem to "get" what we were trying to do all week. I can't exactly put my finger on it but the support for ministering to "non traditional families" was lacking.
To be sure, there were tons of people on board with the efforts. I have to constantly remind myself that there were about 100 adults who did "get" it. I shouldn't worry about the handful who chose to be critical....but I do....it's a struggle within....
Constructive criticism is always welcome and I appreciate and respect it. Judgmental criticism towards people we are serving is hard to stomach.
I am struggling right now to keep my thoughts where they need to be. I'm feeling the psychological stress of knowing I am about to have a commercial building sit empty. I'm taking on a new role at work that feels a little scary right now. I've come off an incredible week of VBS that was emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausting.
I'm just spent.
On the very, very bright side....I'm proud to be where I am at in terms of overcoming the emotional connection between VBS and Brian's death. I thought to myself last night....it matters not to anyone else but it matters to me that family night has been redefined in my mind. I no longer connect family night with Brian's death....and last night's family night was a victory for me. I was a part of making something really cool happen for some kids who really needed our help....I'm very proud of that victory...it's been a long, hard fight for the past 4 years to get past that connection....
So, I struggle with my ability to process thoughts and feelings....I'm praying God will help me learn to do that more effectively....
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