My Life as a Landlord

One of the roles that I have to play involves being a landlord to a residential rental home and to a commercial property. Being a landlord is at the very bottom of my list of things that I wanted to be when I grew up. As a matter of fact, I think I have expressed my "hatred" of this role. It just isn't me and it isn't any fun.

Today I got to play the role in all its glory. My commercial renter has this way of kissing me on one cheek with a compliment and then slapping the heck out of my other cheek with some false accusation or complaint. I should know better by now but it happens every time.

For about the past two months I have tried to take the bull by the horns and deal with issues that have been ongoing and extremely frustrating. If nothing else, I have now established a decent relationship with the tenants and they feel comfortable calling me when there is an issue. This is in stark contrast to how I operated right after Brian died. They didn't call me and I didn't want anything to do with any of it. So, my building manager dealt with everyone and everything and I basically approved expenditures and checked the bank account balance to make sure we were in good shape.

I realized today how far I have come in trying to manage what I was left to manage. I have made some decisions recently that I think have been good business decisions. I have been more proactive about maintaining my relationship with the tenants. I have stopped by the place to check on things and talk with the tenants and other contractors. It doesn't bother me much anymore to go to the building and be in it. I remember the first time I went in after Brian died. I was so uncomfortable and had so many flashbacks to when he was still alive. Now, I go there and I think to myself "Wow, this is weird that I own this building....and I even try to act like I know what I am doing".

I didn't enjoy all the phone calls I got and had to make today. It still isn't any fun to try to be something I'm not. But, I handled things and at the end of the day everyone seems happy. I don't know what I am exactly trying to say with this post except that maybe I have accepted this role now....not that I want it...but, I do accept it and I am trying to do a better job of playing the role....

I see progress with the relationship with the tenant and I am hopeful that someday we will have a healthy business relationship...we are closer to that than we have ever been....but still a ways to go.

And...not that it matters....but I think Brian would be surprised and proud of the way I am trying to handle things.....but, mostly, I am just proud of myself that I have finally taken this role on and tried to become a better manager of what God has given me to help provide for my family.

And, to be honest, I think my dad is grateful that I am handling some of the things that I am capable of handling....and I know my building manager is thankful that I have taken more ownership of the issues we have to deal with on an ongoing basis.....

So, I think it's probably a good thing.....and for the most part, I am doing ok at it. I'll never be great at it....but at least I am trying, really trying....

Further thoughts....

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that there are some sore spots that I still have in relation to Brian's death. I have some further thoughts related to that post and I wanted to jot them down....

I have noticed that when people talk flippantly about "God's will" for their life or talk about how "blessed" they are or even talk about how God answered some prayer request (that to me maybe seems trite) that I get stirred up inside. Sometimes I just blow it off and don't think about it. Other times, it sends me down the road of wondering who God is and how He works...a road of confusion....

I think I have realized that I am sensitive about that because every time someone talks about their "successful" walk with the Lord, that may include blessings, protection, healing, etc., that I allow myself to feel beat down by their "success" and my "failure". In other words, if they have God wrapped around their finger doing everything they ask, blessing everything they do, protecting and healing their loved ones then I must have done something wrong or I must not be as "spiritual"...or maybe I just don't really understand how all that works...

It almost feels like a quick punch to the stomach....it usually catches me off guard and I am distracted by the effects of it for varying lengths of time. It's not that I begrudge people for being blessed or experiencing God's protection or healing....not at all...I am genuinely happy for my friends and family when they experience the "good" in life...and, for the most part, I recognize that I am extremely blessed in many, many, many ways....but I have also had my heart broken and my life forever changed and I had no control over it....and that is difficult to let go of...

It feels like everyone else in life has won and I have lost.....and I don't understand why....especially when I begin playing the comparison game.....I shouldn't even go there but I do.

I "know" that what I have just described is not "rational" or "true". When I break it down and look at it I realize that I have some bad connections going on....that I am the one who has the issue and not all "those people (ha)" that are so flippant.

I suppose that recognizing the faulty thinking is the first step to putting that aside.....so, I have recognized it....now I just need to figure out how to disconnect those things that shouldn't be connected...

I've mentioned before that this tragedy has created a filter that I process my thoughts, feelings, and actions through that isn't necessarily healthy. There are parts of the filter that are helpful but there are also parts of it that are not.

I've still got some work to do in processing my thoughts and feelings....maybe someday I'll get there...

Just for fun...

Just in case someone asks me what I did today, here it goes....

1. Wake up at 7:00am.
2. Take shower.
3. Cook bacon, eggs and make banana smoothies for my three plus my daughter's friend.
4. Clean up mess from cooking.
5. Clean up blankets and pillows from last night's "family movie night" event in the living room.
6. Vaccuum living room and Braden's room.
7. Work on my paper and realize somehow I had one less page done than I thought. Add one more page of content to get it back to page 19 where I thought I would be beginning this afternoon.
8. Reorganize the 50 plus journal articles I have strewn from my office to the kitchen. Weed out the ones I don't need.
9. Mow the back yard.
10. Take another shower because I smell like a mower.
11. Clean up the sweet tea that got spilled all over the kitchen by my darling children.
12. Print off 5 more articles related to my paper.
13. Gas up my Tahoe and get a car wash.
14. Go to the local library to check out a book for Nathan's project on C.S. Lewis.
15. Get a Dr. Pepper at Dairy Twin.
16. Go up to the church to talk to one of my sister's friends who is here from Oklahoma doing a retreat for Preteens in our church.
17. Cook lunch for the kids.
18. Clean up the mess from lunch.
19. Do laundry and pick up the rest of the house.
20. Take Nathan and Braden to a friends house to play.
21. Take Lexi to a birthday party.
22. Work on my paper. Write 3 additional pages of content.
23. Go pick up Lexi at her birthday party.
24. Go pick up Nathan and Braden from friends house.
25. Pack a suitcase for Lexi because she has been invited to spend the night at a friends.
26. Cook dinner for Nathan and Braden.
27. Clean up dinner.
28. Go for a run in the neighborhood.
28. Work some more on my paper...adding 2 more pages of content.
29. Pack suitcase for Nathan because he has been invited to spend the night with a friend.
30. Smile because Braden has fallen asleep on the couch and is out for the rest of the night!
31. Write one more page on my paper and call it quits for the day.
32. Carry Braden to bed.
33. Iron my clothes and Braden's clothes for tomorrow. Fold some laundry and put some more in to wash.
34. Take a nice hot bath to wash off the sweat from my run (2 showers and one bath today)
35. Sit down at the computer and write this meaningless blog entry.

Wheehhhh...it's been a very productive day....

The Sore Spots

For the most part, I am now able to think about Brian and talk about him without getting emotional. I've come a long way in that regard. However, I was reminded this week that there are still some sore spots that will illicit a raw emotional response.

I have been wrestling with the question of "God's will" in my life. I don't know how to understand Brian's death in terms of whether or not it was "God's will" for my life. I posed the question of trying to understand or accept this as God's will in my life to my counselor this week. He pointed out that trying to answer that question can create quite a dilemma in regards to understanding who God is. I struggle with it because on the one hand I want God to be completely in control of my life and my future. It feels more secure to think that God is involved in every detail of my life. However, my experience lends me to think that God must not be very involved in my life or surely He would have protected Brian and allowed him to live. I have a hard time accepting it as "God's will" when it includes the death of my husband and my children's father. I can't wrap my mind around how I am supposed to view his death.

After hearing me ramble on a bit about this dilemma my counselor made this statement and asked me this question......"Shelly, I think that sometimes it is hard to think about everything in life in terms of it being "God's will" for our lives....maybe the better question to ask is....do you believe this is what God wanted to happen?"

My immediate answer was "no"....and then the tears came....painful tears.....to be honest, I am not sure why that question caused me to have such an emotional response....it wasn't just the average "this makes me sad" type of response...it was a gut-wrenching pain....a pain I had not experienced in a long time.....and I am still trying to process why that was such a sore spot for me....

I guess it had not occurred to me to look at it that way....and I knew the answer was absolutely no....no, my God would not have wanted this for me.....or for my children....

He then went on to say that Scripture talks about creation groaning....about how it grieves God to see His children hurting....and that life is sometimes just hard....and there some really hard things that we go through....but that doesn't change who God is or the love He has for us....

I don't believe it was God's will for Brian to die and leave me to raise three children on my own. I don't think it surprised Him or caught Him off guard...I don't think He planned it or caused it to happen. It happened as the result of a human error.....not because God willed it to happen. And, that is a hard thing to accept and work through......almost three years later and I am still trying to work through it....

The question of Fairness....

Every once in a while I go down the path of thinking that this really "isn't fair". I usually end up on this path after someone says something to me that sets me off or I find myself beginning to compare myself to others. Most recently, it has grown out of my experience and interactions with the people I have reconnected with through my high school twenty year reunion website. My reaction to many of them is that I can't believe all that they have done (immoral, etc) and many of them have an "exterior" that says they are successful, happy, etc. It's been hard to be who I am in that group. I tend to compare myself and think things should have turned out better. I wonder what they are thinking about me....and the God that I serve....

Yet, the question of fairness isn't a good road to go down. I picked up a book tonight that I read early in my grief journey. It is written by Jerry Sittser who lost his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident involving a drunk driver. He writes about fairness versus grace and here is what he has to say;

"....God spare us a life of fairness! To live in a world with grace is better by far than to live in a world of absolute fairness. A fair world may make life nice for us, but only as nice as we are. We may get what we deserve, but I wonder how much that is and whether or not we would really be satisfied. A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering.....I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience undeserved grace."

Fairness or grace? It has to be grace for me. The title of my blog suggests I have some sort of an awareness of the importance of grace in my life...and the "evidence of grace" in my life far outweighs the unfairness factor.....

I've got to quit going down this path where I pout about the fairness of losing Brian......it leads to nowhere....

The mystery in my faith...

I struggle, on a regular basis, with the mystery in my faith. There are times when it stays under the surface and it doesn't impact me. There are other times when it comes to the forefront and almost seems overwhelming.

This is one of those times when the mystery of it all seems a little overwhelming. It's a good thing in that it causes me to wrestle with the issues. Struggle is almost always a good thing. Struggle precedes growth, doesn't it? If I look at growth in my life on a timeline....there has always been some type of struggle that caused me to have to grow beyond myself.

I see it in nature. The most simplistic example would be the metamorphosis of a butterfly. There has to be a certain amount of struggle in order for the butterfly to emerge.

I see it in my children. Learning to read has been a struggle for both of my kids. They have had to work at it. But, then the breakthrough happens....and they soar.

I see it in my faith. Significant growth never occurs for me without a struggle.

It seems then that I should welcome struggle....but I don't. I get frustrated when I have to struggle.....sometimes I get angry....but, the end result is usually growth.

The mystery in my faith is frustrating. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I wish I knew how to talk about God's work in the world and in my life. I don't have a clue why things have happened the way they have for me and the kids. I can not bring myself to say that "this was just God's will for my life". I just can't say that. How could it be God's will for my children to lose their father? How could that be?

I hear people around me flippantly talk about what God has done for them or how He has blessed them and I usually think one of two things: Either I think they are totally clueless and haven't had something beyond explanation happen to them or I think maybe I am the one who messed up and lost God's blessing. Neither one of those responses are good. I recognize that.....but, that's where I am at.

I am trying to define my faith with an inadequate and faulty perspective.....I tend to filter everything through my own experience....and that's not healthy.....

Yet....how do you know which things are truly from God and which things are just part of living in a dying world?

The struggle will produce growth....I am confident of that....I am just tired of the filter I have.....how do I not let what has happened to me impact how I define my faith and how I accept the mystery of it?


For now, I have to acknowledge the mystery....I have to be honest and authentic about the things I don't understand......but, I also can't deny all the things that I do know for sure about God.....and that's where I have to hang my hat until the struggle subsides and the growth occurs....

Things that make me smile....

Last night I found a note from Lexi on my pillow. It said:

I love you. I am very sorry. I wish dad were still here. Do you?

Lexi is my note writer. Usually after she gets in trouble I will find a note from her somewhere. She reminds me of me in that I used to make my apologies via a letter or note to my parents. Interesting how she does that even though I have never done that or told her that I used to do that.

I thanked her for the note and talked with her about it today. I asked her if she thought I still missed dad. She said yes. I told her I did and then she started recanting a story about a memory with her dad. I listened to her talk about him and was somewhat impressed by the way she was able to talk about him and remember some happy times. It came very natural to her and she seemed to enjoy just talking about him. (I can't help but remember how hard it was to talk about him after it first happened...we have come a long, long ways.)

When I read the note I thought she brought up her dad because she has been known to do that in order to move the focus off of whatever it is that she has done or doesn't want to do. She sometimes uses it as a distraction in hopes that she can talk her way out of whatever trouble she is in. It struck me afterwards that maybe she just needed to talk about him.

I don't think we talk about him as much as we used to. Maybe I need to give the kids more opportunities to talk about him.

I am thankful for the things that make me smile....crumpled up notes on my pillow, hearing Lexi recall a special memory, and being able to recognize that my kids are ok.....they may drive me insane sometimes with their entitlement issues....but they really are going to be ok.....for that I am grateful and extremely hopeful....

My life is back....

The kids came home today. It feels so nice to have them home. Make no mistake, it was nice to have some quiet, but I missed them. I was reminded today that they are a central part of why I am trying so hard to continue to live and love. They have so much potential and so much life to live and I want to do everything I can to support them in their journey.

I'm thankful for their love....for their endless hugs and kisses and snuggles....for Nathan holding my hand as we walked into church....for Lexi kissing me on the cheek while we were singing in church....and for Braden who wanted me to snuggle with him tonight....I am loved.....and that is a gift from God....

My life is back.....and I am glad....

Sometimes I wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choices related to how I am trying to rebuild my life. I was talking to my sister today on the phone and I asked her "what would you be doing if you were me?" I asked her that question because she knows me pretty well and understands most of my current situation and all the variables that go along with where I am at right now.

I suppose that the quietness of this week has given me room to wonder if I am headed in the right direction. The reality of going to school has hit. I have worked all week trying to get papers written so that the kids won't feel my stress in the coming weeks as the semester winds down and deadlines approach. Going to school is going to take a sacrifice on my part. I realized that this week when I really wanted to be outside enjoying the Spring weather and instead I was inside working furiously on the computer. I don't mind sacrifice as long as I am certain it is what I am supposed to be doing....and mostly, I am certain...but there are still twinges of doubt.

My question to my sister is fueled by the frustration I feel in not knowing where my life is headed and how much things may or may not change in the coming years. We've had these discussions before and I never come out of them knowing any more than I did when we start the conversation.

Here's where I struggle......I am working extremely hard to make sure that I am prepared to continue to provide for my children's needs and for my needs. I work off the assumption that I am the only one who is going to make sure we have what we need. As a result, I am pushing myself to go to school and continuing to work instead of trying to live off a reduced income that would dip into savings and money set aside for the kids future needs. I am allowing the future to dictate my present decisions. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing...but it is a stressful burden to carry...and it leaves little room for depending on God to meet our needs. Maybe it is a lack of faith or maybe it is just part of my personality to want to be certain that I have all my bases covered financially.

The reality though is this....I don't want to carry these burdens on my own forever....I hope and pray that God will someday provide someone in my life to love and do life with....I don't enjoy being single....it's not near as much fun as being married....but, my kids and their needs are in conflict with my desires. I can't do anything that would impact them negatively. I don't want to complicate their lives or create uncertainty for them. They have been through enough and I certainly don't want to add anything else to their plate.

So, back to my question I posed to Kathy today.....am I doing what I should be doing in order to find the life God intends for me? What if going to school is a big waste of time for me (just something that creates stress, costs money and limits quality time with my kids)? What if, by going to school and continuing to try to increase my ability to provide for my kids, I miss what God really has for me? Should I just live for today and trust that everything will work out? Should I loosen up the purse strings and remove things from my life that are stressful for me or the kids? I even had one person tell me that I was "trying to fulfill a role that God never intended for me to fulfill"....Gee thanks, that was profound....maybe it is true (??) but where does that leave me....what else am I supposed to do except to try to fulfill all the roles that need to be filled in order to raise my children and run a household....not the brightest statement but the person who made it is pretty well respected and well educated.....

I understand that no one can tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes....but sometimes I wonder if there might be a better way to approach my life than the way I am doing it. I have tried to seek God's will for my life in everything that I do. But, I gotta admit, sometimes I wonder what difference it makes.....Brian and I sought direction and guidance on a regular basis....and look what happened....it didn't seem to matter.....the end was still the same.....

Sometimes I wonder.....I really, really wonder what the heck the purpose is for my life.....

While the doubts are there....the reality is that I do believe God is God and I am not.....I do believe that this is but one long and painful chapter of my life and that there will be chapters filled with hope and joy and love....I do believe that God cares for me and provides for me in ways that I am not even aware.....I do believe that it is God who has sustained me through this difficult time and it is God who will continue to guide me....I do believe that God can bring beauty from ashes......I just want to see some of that beauty....NOW, if at all possible.....

At the end of the day...

I have been reminded this weekend that "at the end of the day....I still go home by myself". It sucks.

The kids are in Oklahoma for their annual trip to Grandma's during Spring Break. I am trying to get a paper written. It's going a little slower than I would like. However, my goal is to get as much done while they aren't here so that our Spring won't be a crazy, stressed out time.

Two friends have celebrated big birthdays this weekend and so I have attended two different parties. It's been really nice to have some "adult" time. I have laughed a lot this weekend. However, I still can't get past that feeling of being "different", of being "alone". I do the best I can but it still hurts. And, at the end of the day, I have no one's hand to hold and that just sucks big time.

I have found myself thinking "this isn't what I wanted" several times this weekend. I think I have come a long way, but it is frustrating that I am now doing this on my own....with no end in sight.

It's a constant struggle....I take huge steps forward and then something happens and I feel like I haven't come as far as I thought I had. I understand that this probably part of the journey...that it is normal....but, I am tired of it.

Still, I am doing the only things that I know to do.....to keep dreaming, to keep loving my kids, and to keep believing that God can bring beauty from ashes....

A reminder of the grace and redemption God offers....

Today I was reminded of the grace and redemption that God offers each of us as we make our way through this world. I am thankful that God used someone to teach me that again.

Sometimes, in my job, I wonder what is being accomplished or if what I do even matters. Today, I knew that something I did mattered. For that, I am grateful.

It's amazing to me that God can use the broken times in our life to teach us some of the most valuable lessons we will ever learn. Each of us are different. Each of us have different struggles, failures, disappointments and "broken" times.

Death has been my teacher. The lessons continue....the growth needs to continue....One thing is for sure, "Life" continues to be my choice....

The Post-Brian "Me"

Life is so interesting and complex. Today I realized that there really is a Post-Brian "me" that is emerging. I have done a lot of work to create a new identity that reflects who I am and how I have changed since Brian's death.

One small, probably insignificant example occurred today. I have been going to class now for about 6 weeks. I have begun to get to know some people in my seminars and the relationships are beginning to develop. I no longer feel like a stranger when I walk into class. We were asked to pair up today in groups of two for collaboration on a group assignment. I ended up working with a guy who happens to be on the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum. He talks and interacts with people constantly, almost annoying at times. We finished our discussion and he asked me how many seminars I was taking. I told him "two" and he said "wow, you are going to be at this forever!" I agreed and said that I had three kids and a job and that yes, I would be at it forever. He then said something to the effect of "your husband won't help you around the house so you can take more classes huh?" It really didn't come out as offensive as that probably sounds...he was trying to be funny. I said, "no, actually he died a couple of years ago and so I am on my own"....open mouth, insert foot. What followed was not a "poor pitiful you" type of conversation...I very matter of factly continued the conversation with him and answered the questions he had about what had happened, how old were my kids, etc. Funny thing is that I didn't feel badly about the conversation. I didn't feel uncomfortable...I didn't feel embarrassed or pitiful....I surprised myself with how well I handled it. He ended the conversation with "remind me not to make any more bad jokes about your husband"...or something like that....I told him not to worry about it, he didn't know and we went on with the rest of class.

I had dreaded that type of conversation and fully expected it to happen as I got to know people who know nothing of my history with Brian. I avoided making it a part of my introduction for that particular class because I didn't want it to be the focus of who I was and I didn't want "pity" to be the first label that I received.

So....what I had dreaded...it happened....and I handled it surprisingly well. It didn't cause me to get emotional. I walked away from class knowing that I had just taken another step towards living out who I have become....and I guess I was sort of proud....

I don't think I will dread those type of conversations anymore....if they happen, they happen. I can handle it and while I am sure he was embarrassed I think I responded well enough that he didn't feel pity for me or my situation...

Who is the Post-Brian "me"? I think I am beginning to understand and believe that who I can become as a result of the events in my life may actually be a stronger, more confident and definitely more compassionate person than I ever was "before Brian's death".

Another Birthday....

We celebrated Lexi's 7th birthday last night with 14 little girls in my home. It was tons of fun. It was a Princess Party and Cinderella showed up to do some magic and balloon animals. By all acounts it was a hit. I am thankful it went well but really glad it is over....parties are so much work!

After the party was over I was cleaning up and a family picture caught my eye. I stopped and looked at it and thought "God, why isn't he still here....?" I suppose that it is on these special ocassions that I am reminded of the magnitude of the loss. I still don't understand how or why life changed so dramatically for us. Brian would have had a blast last night watching Lexi having fun with her friends in our home. The castle he built for Lexi's room was a hit...again....wish he had been there to accept all the compliments Lexi got on her room.

The pain is still there....my emotions come to the surface....and I am reminded that life will never be the same without him....I wish, I wish, I wish that things were different....

I'm alone....and I feel it....and I hate it...

But....but, but, but.....our life is going on....and we are moving forward...and I hold on to the hope that God will continue to sustain us and I pray that I will desire what God desires for me....and when I do that, there will be joy and contentment....and the loneliness and pain will loosen its grip...

Change....

Today I turned in my suburban and got a Tahoe. Six months ago I tried to make a change in my automobile and the timing didn't seem to be right so I backed off. Nathan expressed quite a bit of emotion (he was genuinely upset that I was going to get rid of the car that daddy gave me) about getting rid of our Suburban. So, I decided to wait until he was ok with it. Looking back, I realize that the way in which I did it probably had more to do with it than the sentimental value. I didn't give him time to get used to the idea...I just showed up with a demo car and assumed he would be excited....not!

Last week when my dad was here he encouraged me to make a change in what I was driving. The mileage was just about to hit 100k and it seemed like it was now or never. He wasn't telling me what to do but he was affirming what I was thinking. The main point for getting a new car was that I am on my own...I don't have family to come rescue me if it breaks down...and, I am going back and forth to Fort Worth more since I am in school.....so, it is a decision driven mainly by practical issues.

So, I talked to the kids about it and everyone seemed on board with it. I specifically talked with Nathan about it, showed him what model I was looking at and told him why I thought it might be time to make a change.

He was fine with it. He was actually excited about it.

So, I did it today.

How does it feel? As usual, my feelings are all over the place.

There was some sadness when I handed over the keys because I knew I was giving up another piece of my life with Brian. I remember the night he surprised me with it. We had a date night and we went to eat at Olive Garden. We drove our "old" car to the restaurant and he had one of his employees make the switch while we were eating. I was stunned when I walked outside and couldn't find my car. Brian had this big grin on his face and said "I think this is your car right here".

There was some anxiety when I was signing the paperwork. Did I get the best deal? Am I going to regret this? Is this a good, solid decision?

There was excitement when I drove up to the school and the kids saw it for the first time.....I asked Nathan my "counselor" question....On a scale of one to ten how is it? He gave me a huge smile and a "10"....whew!

There was and is some guilt....I'd much rather have a husband than a new car....and, realistically, if he were still here I would probably still be driving my Suburban....because I would know that help was only a phone call away and we would be more apt to drive it until the wheels fell off.....case in point, the truck Brian was driving when he had his accident had 165k miles...

I also have a new appreciation for Brian. I now know what it feels like to have to make such a huge decision. I typically relied on him to make all those big decisions....and, sadly, if I thought he made the wrong decision I was sometimes critical. I guess I now "get" how hard his job was.

I had a few minutes alone with Nathan tonight and we had one of those "special" moments/conversations. If I printed all the details of the conversation it wouldn't mean much to anyone but me. Basically, I reminded him that we needed to be grateful for how hard daddy worked to provide for us. I told him that I was glad he was happy about the new car. However, I also reminded him that while I always want to consider his feelings when making big decisions that there might come a time when I had to make changes in our life that he didn't necessarily agree with. In other words, I reminded him that we can't keep everything the same forever....daddy wouldn't want that and that isn't what is best for us.....I even asked him what he would think if I ever wanted to sell our house....he wasn't too sure about that but I reassured him that wouldn't happen anytime soon....

What's the point of that conversation? I wanted to help him understand that life is about change. We can't always control how life changes....but, change can be a good thing. He hates change...as do I....and so maybe that conversation was just as much for me as it was for him. I don't want to give him the impression that we are going to spend the rest of our life trying to live the same life in the same house as we did when Brian was alive. The conversation ended with Nathan giving me the biggest bear hug I have ever gotten from him. He usually gives these little wimpy hugs that you have to beg him to give you. Tonight he initiated the hug and held on to me....wouldn't let go....really, he just wouldn't let go....then we started laughing and I tried to stand up and I almost tripped.....and then he asked me to carry him to bed....he didn't let go until I practically peeled him off of me.....completely out of character for him......I treasure those unexpected moments....moments that you don't plan or expect....but when they happen you recognize them as "special"...


Change....it's something I've got to work at.....but I see the benefit of change and I know that I have to embrace it.....

Progress

Much progress was made this weekend. My parents were here and my dad helped me with all of my homeowner issues and landlord challenges. I am thankful for his willingness to step in and help when I am at the end of my rope. It really wasn't all that bad. We took things one issue at a time, one furry friend at a time...and I feel much better about everything!

I think I may be at another transition point. I realize that it is time for me to either sink or swim....and I much prefer swimming. I have had a lot of help these past two and a half years and it is time to figure out how to make sure I don't impose or intrude on others every time I have a need or issue.

It's a good thing....it's just a little tricky when I don't know what I am doing in many, many instances. '

The practical stuff is easier to figure out than the emotional stuff. It is still really hard for me to process feelings, decisions, insecurities, etc. on my own. Brian was always my buffer and he was my best friend. I think the emotional intimacy is what I miss the most now. I believe most of the other adjustments have been made....but, learning to be alone emotionally is tough.

Another thing that I have realized is that I don't have as much to offer in a friendship. In most cases, I am the more needy one. I have never been one to be a "needy" person. As a matter of fact, typically I have been one to attract "needy" people for friends because I was willing to give more than I can now. However, friendships should be a two-way street. Maybe I am realizing that I haven't been able to contribute to a friendship like I should be in order for the relationship to be healthy.

So, here I am stuck in the middle. I need the emotional connectedness...I need people I can vent to....but, I can't offer the same in return to the same degree. Or, maybe I could and do offer it but no one else "needs" me like maybe I "need" them. I think I am going in circles...I obviously don't have it figured out.

I don't really know what the answer is to my dilemma. Isolating myself doesn't work and it isn't what I want. Yet, I realize that I need friendships a whole lot more than friendships need me.

It's been a good weekend though....even thinking about replacing my car....may make a decision this week!

Annoying Tasks....

I have been frustrated this week with all the annoying tasks I have to try to pretend that I know what I am doing when I really don't. I had a leak in my roof and had to call someone out to fix it. They fixed it but there is some damage on the ceiling in my son's room. I now have to try to find someone who can repair the drywall that got wet.

When I opened my pantry door on Tuesday pieces of insulation fluttered down. I looked up and found that a furry friend has been chewing his way through the ceiling of my pantry. I now have to figure out who my furry friend is and then get someone to fix the hole he made.

I am still fighting with drainage issues at my commercial property. The contractor who claimed he would solve all my problems has basically thrown up his hands and isn't returning calls or emails. So, tomorrow, I have a meeting with my building manager, a hydrology engineer, my dad, and a new contractor who specializes in drainage issues. I have a million other things I would like to be doing on my day off but instead I will spend it trying to make sense out of whatever they say I need to do. And, I am sure my pocketbook will end up a lot thinner after tomorrow.

I have called my CPA three times this week to set up a time to meet and talk about my taxes for 2007. He hasn't returned my call. I would love to get another CPA but this one knows all my history and I can't just jump to another one because I don't even know how everything is set up in terms of the corporation that is tied to me. So, I wait and I wait....and he never calls back.

I called a commercial real estate agent yesterday to get a market analysis on my commercial property. She hasn't called me back either. I just want to know what my building is worth so that either I can feel better about all the money I have had to spend lately or I can make some hard decisions about whether I want to keep it. My guess is that I will be pleased with the market analysis but it has been hard to watch that business account get drained from all the expenses of trying to fix the drainage problem.

I clearly don't know what I am doing and I try really hard to learn how to take care of my own business....but, there is a limit...I am afraid people are beginning to see me as a burden or a liability....oh no, here she comes again, what's wrong this time. So, I am trying to be more perceptive and trying to involve less people in my every day life. Life is changing again....friendships are changing....and I am trying to adjust and learn from mistakes I make.

Life isn't so fun right now.....but we will get through it.....and someday, I am going to buy me a condo in a retirement community and I won't have to worry about a lawn or squirrels in my attic, or holes in my roof.....wouldn't that be nice? Or, I'll just drive my kids crazy with all the stuff I have to ask them to do for me.....so much to look forward to....

The Continual Pull

Right now I feel like I am continually pulled in different directions. In one corner is my job that I love. When I am at work I try to be totally at work. I am thankful that my focus has returned (a much needed thing) and most days I am extremely grateful for the job that I have.

On the other end is my family. My kids want me to be at home with them at night. I want to be with them at night. I am home with them every day after school. I am extremely grateful that I can do that.

Lately, I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt from both sides. I feel guilty that I can't give as much as some can at work. I feel uncertain what to do when I am asked to attend an event at night that will require me to get a babysitter or impose on a friend. I feel like I am not pulling my weight when I don't attend as many evening functions as others do. I don't want to be treated any differently and I don't expect special treatment. And so the guilt rages on....and the reality is that I am the only single parent on staff...and I also don't have any family in the area.....everyone else either doesn't have kids or has a spouse who can fill in the gap.

Yet, my kids need me at home. I feel like my calling as a parent takes precedence over my career's calling. There's also some guilt from my kids. They want me to come eat lunch at school with them or go on all the field trips or any of another million things they would like me to be at. I do my best to go to as many field trips as I can without taking too much time off from work. I find that I have to pick and choose and be very selective about what field trips I go on. For the most part, the kids are ok with that. I, on the other hand, feel guilty.

If Brian were still here much of this guilt would be manageable. He'd pick up the slack when I needed to be away at night. He and I would take turns going on field trips (which is what we did when he was alive). The two of us had a pretty good thing going and our family never suffered even though we both had careers.

Now........things are just different. I am not sure how to resolve the guilt. And, besides the guilt, I feel bad that there are times when I have no interest whatsoever in doing whatever it is that I have been asked to do. Instead of being excited about attending an event I feel burdened by it...and the whole time I am there I am thinking "I should be at home...my kids need me to tuck them in....or I wonder if they are getting their home work done.."

I am discouraged right now.....I am questioning myself a lot.....and I wonder if I have become more of a liability than an asset.....and that is something that is totally unacceptable for me....

He talked about it....

For the first time, Nathan talked about the day that his daddy died. It wasn't a planned conversation. It just happened. He told me what he remembered about the day. He told me that he had asked his daddy to put up the water slide that morning so they could play on it with the babysitter. Brian told him no because they were going to Family Night at VBS and there would be a big waterslide there for them to enjoy. There's really no significance to those "facts"...I was just thankful that Nathan is now able to talk about that day.

It's not that Nathan hasn't talked "about" his dad...he has done that from day one. This conversation struck me as "different" because he was able to tell me the last conversation he had with his dad. He was able to share what "he" remembered about the day his daddy died. It was new info for me...and maybe that seemed special too...I now know some of what Nathan talked about with his dad just before he left for work.

Lexi also told me what she remembered about that day. She recanted almost verbatim what I told them when I had to tell them that their daddy died. I was amazed that she would remember the words that I used....she was only four when it happened.

They also both remembered that there were "lots of people mowing our lawn and cleaning our house". It wasn't that the yard was in bad shape or that the house was filthy...it was just that there were so many people trying to help us with the practical issues in our life...and they remembered that....interesting.

They both remembered that I took them in Nathan's room and sat them on the bed to talk to them. I will never forget that day. I don't know that there will ever be anything harder than having to do that.

As I have said before, the main reason why I write this blog is for my kids...I want them to be able to see the process we went through in dealing with their daddy's death...and this seemed worth noting....we have now reached a point where we can sit around the dinner table and talk about the most difficult thing our family has ever been through...I think that is progress...and healing.

Valentines Kindness

I received these beautiful flowers for Valentines Day. The card read "to the daughters of the King". I am thinking the florist may not have accurately written down the message, but I got the drift.

I have no idea who sent me these. No one has owned up to it and I have asked a few people I would consider it to be a possibility and they have said they didn't do it.

They were absolutely beautiful and I am grateful for the kind thought. I am also amazed that anyone would even think to do such a thing.

I wish I knew who did it...but since I don't, I'll just consider it a tangible reminder that God loves me and cares that I felt loved this Valentines.

Grateful for random acts of kindness....they keep life interesting...

Made with/from Love....

My mom made this quilt for my oldest son. It is made entirely from shirts that Brian once wore (The shams aren't...she found them and they just happened to match). I look at it and see memories of him so clearly. On the back of it she had this embroidered:

For Nathan
In Memory of Your Dad
_____ _______ (name)
1969-2005

He dreams, he plans, he struggles
that we might have the best.
His sacrifice is quiet, his life
is love expressed.
Author Unknown

From Meemaw with love,
2008


No words....just extremely grateful!!!

My Toothless Valentine

She's all dressed up with somewhere special to go....

My toothless gal....gotta love it!

Identity Issues

I continue to struggle with some identity issues. The issues beome magnified when I am in a new situation or meet a new group of people who do not know my past history or my personal struggles. I think it is a good struggle, one that is born out of a need to make my status as a widow only one of the many identifying factors about my life. Yes, I am a widow. Yes, it has profoundly changed me and it makes me a little different than most 38 year old mothers. However, it is not all of me. It no longer is the central defining aspect of my life. It is a huge part of me but it is only ONE part of me.

In order to continue to grow forward my identity has to go beyond my marital status. I can not allow my "widow" status to overshadow all of the other aspects of my life and personality that make me unique.

Yet, while the desire is there to resolve some of the identity issues that I have, I don't have complete clarity as to how to make that happen. Perhaps some of it will continue to occur naturally. Certainly though, some of it will be deliberate choices that I make.

Life after Brian continues to evolve and amaze me. I am at peace with our relationship and the fact that it ended prematurely. It doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't happened. But, it does mean that I have accepted that it is over and I have chosen not to try to act as though it were possible to be in love with someone who is no longer here. And, while I am not thankful for the loss, I am thankful for the lessons that this loss has taught me. I will never be the same and that is a good thing.

My life is going on without him....as he would want it to.......and now I am finding that I WANT and NEED life to go on too.

For that I am grateful....

The gift of new beginnings....

A new beginning is a gift. I realize that more and more in my own life. New beginnings allow us the opportunity to adjust our lives and prepare for new growth. New beginnings give us hope that we may continue to find our voice, our influence, and our giftedness in order to make our unique impact.

I believe 2008 is a new begining for me. I am ready for a new beginning, really ready. I am making adjustments in my life and in my home so that I can embrace and initiate changes in my life that will benefit me and my family.

I have spent the past couple of weeks reorganizing my home. I went through Brian's office today and made it my office. It was a very freeing and encouraging experience. I shredded so many documents and things that no longer have any relevance in my life. I was reminded of the stress and strain that accompanied Brian's death and the legal ramifications that were feared but never realized. I saw letters from attorneys, insurance companies, etc. and I was relieved that those issues are in the past and they have no power or control over my life.

My parents gave me a room makeover for my bedroom for Christmas. Again, it seems as though what used to be "ours" is now "mine"....and that feels ok.

I bought a new kitchen table this weekend. I had sold "ours" in a garage sale last fall. I had waited quite a while to replace it but last weekend it just felt like it was "time". I am making plans for a kitchen makeover this spring.

I think some of these changes are more about trying to create my own new beginning in my home....

The biggest new beginning came today when I had my first day of class as I began my residency as a PhD student. I am truly excited about this new opportunity to learn and grow professionally.

A new beginning is a gift....and I thank God for new beginnings.....

What a week....

It has been a banner week for our family. I am more encouraged about our family than I have been in a long time. Here's why:

**Report Cards came out and the kids did fantastic. I couldn't be prouder of them and the effort they have been putting into school.

**Nathan just finished his twentieth book off the Bluebonnet List. These were challenging books for him and he completed a very difficult goal. He is most excited because he will get a trophy for all his hard work. I am excited because he took on a task that required him to go above and beyond and he did it!

**Lexi received an award at her schools 9 week awards assembly. She has come a long way in her reading and her teacher recognized her effort. She was also formally tested this week on her reading and her teacher sent me an email saying "I am doing my endzone dance...Lexi just soared on her TPRI test...woohoo." Needless to say, I wrote her back and said "I'm doing my endzone dance too!!"

**I am helping coach Lexi's basketball team and it has been so much fun to watch her develop into an aggressive player. It's just such a joy to cheer her on. She's not the star of the team by any means, but she is having fun and is so engaged this year.

**Braden is Braden. But, he is getting so much better. He really is.

**I took the kids out to dinner Friday night to celebrate their good report cards. For the first time, I left the restaraunt feeling like I had enjoyed going out to eat with the kids. Usually, I feel like we are a three ring circus and wonder why I paid good money for the pleasure of entertaining others.

**I discovered the value of large, black trash bags. It is amazing what you can throw away....and the kids can't see through the bags to see what has been tossed.....I think I have about 7 large trash bags in the garage ready for the trash man on Monday.

It's difficult to know how my kids are really doing....but, there is some indication that they are continuing to thrive...and for that I am so grateful....

The Rhythm is back...

We have our rhythm back. We are in our routine. The kids know what to expect. Things feel so much better than they did just a couple of weeks ago.

It's almost as if I have finally realized that "our family" is better when it is just "us". It actually feels good for it to be just "us". For several months after Brian died I had family here. For the past two and a half years my family has come to help about once a month. It is always nice to have the extra hands. But, I think I am to the point where it is also nice to just be "us"...I think that's progress....

Routine and rhythm are gooooood things...

For that I am grateful..

What I learned today...

Sometimes it really helps to have someone to be a sounding board and interpret some of the conflicting feelings I am having. For me, that comes in the form of several of my friends or from my counselor that I still see on an occasional basis.

Today I had a chance to meet with my counselor. He helped me sift through several things that were nagging at me.

I told him about the opportunity I had before Christmas to give back some of the comfort I had been given to one of my child's former teachers. He helped me understand that for "such a time as that" God has equipped me to serve a unique purpose. It's a part of who I have become as a result of having a tragedy in my life...I am stronger than I was before...I can go into a crisis situation and not be intimidated by it because I have lived through it myself. It is in those moments where things seem to come full circle that I can be grateful for the opportunity and know that Brian's death mattered....it mattered that I have tried to grow and learn from it...this hasn't been in vain....and that is a really cool thing....It's not cool that other people have to go through difficult times....but it is cool that God can take who I have become and use it for His glory.

My parenting was also a significant part of our discussion. I am struggling right now about the sense of "entitlement" that my kids have displayed lately...I want them to be grateful and appreciative....but I realized today that I can't mandate gratitude...I can't force them to be grateful, but I can model it....and perhaps modeling gratitude is more effective than beating them over the head with it....it was also helpful to know that I am not the only one who worries about whether their kids appreciate the life that they have....my response is that I need to model gratitude more and preach at my kids less. I have some ideas about how I can do that.

One of the other issues that I needed direction on was about my experience at orientation the other night. I was questioning how well I was really doing if this one "introduction" caused me such anxiety and stress. I was reassured and encouraged to look at it as just a simple realization that I may need to rehearse some answers for potential questions when I am in new situations. I haven't really been in very many new situations and I had forgotten how helpful it can be to have a rehearsed answer for random questions. I remember having to come up with an answer to "how are you doing"? I knew no one really wanted to know (this was in the first months after Brian's death) so I had to figure out what the best way would be to answer some of the questions people were asking. It made a huge difference when I had a rehearsed answer....and so, I need to be more prepared, and I will be...I guarantee that!


All in all, we are doing just fine.....we still have our struggles but we have come sooo far, and for THAT I am GRATEFUL!

Drawing from the past...

I realized this week that one of the benefits of going through the earthly hell of losing Brian is that I had to learn how to take things one moment, one hour, one day, one decision at a time. And, when I look back at all that has been done since his death I realize that I have come a long way in the journey. However, it didn't happen all at once...it happened in little bits and pieces...

I can apply that to my life now. I need to take school one class, one paper, one semester at a time. There is no benefit in looking too far down the road and allowing anxiety to overwhelm me.

One thing that continues to puzzle me is why I still struggle with "confidence". In my mind I know that I have indeed been through an earthly hell. I had to deal with so much in that first year or so. I could write a book about all the difficult things that I had to do. You would think that having come out on the other side of most of that that I would be extremely confident and self-assured.

Not true. Instead, I find myself shaking in my boots when I have to acknowledge to a group who I am and the fact that I am an only parent to three children. For the first time since his death, I am in a situation where most people don't know me or the context of my life. It's scary. It's intimidating. I lost my confidence the other night. I actually kept telling myself "you have been through hell, what's the big deal about this". Still, it was hard. Still, I felt inadequate and insecure. Why?

I don't know the answer to my own question. I might have a couple of guesses, but really, I am not sure.

However, I do know that I can draw from the past and know that there is probably not much of anything in this world that is more difficult than having to tell your three children that their daddy died. Everything else should seem easy...or at least manageable....

A Two Benadryl Night

It's a two Benadryl night....my head is swimming....Both excitement and Fear running deep into my thoughts...

One step, one seminar, one project, one paper at a time....I keep telling myself....I am overwhelmed and scared...and wondering if I have lost my mind.....

It frustrates me that I can be so at peace about my decision to start school....but also, simultaneously scared out of my whatever about whether or not I can do it....

I can't do it...it's a God sized task....I'll do my part...but I am dependent on God to get me through this...

Definitely a two Benadryl night....


Side note....I went to orientation tonight....everyone had to introduce themselves...tell about their family...marital status...etc......I was the last to go and I made it through my introduction with just a slight quiver in my throat. It's still HARD to introduce myself and include a statement about my widow status. Tonight, it wasn't something I could ignore, I was put in a difficult place and made it through it....I hate that........I wish it didn't still make my stomach get in knots...I wish I didn't still have to pray "please dear God let me get through this...please help me not cry"....I can talk about it all day long with people who know and love me....put me in a new situation and force me to talk about it and it still takes my breath away...and brings up so much emotion....why is that? It's not like I haven't tried really hard to work through it...it's not like it just happened yesterday....Why does it still have to be so hard? I definitely made progress and I think most people would say I handled it well....but they don't know the fight that was going on inside of me....the fight to keep my emotions under control....I HATE that...

Nine years ago....

Nine years ago Brian and I welcomed our first born child into this world.

We were together....completely overwhelmed by the moment....an unbelieveably sacred moment....

Today...we're apart.....and that is just so wrong....so terribly wrong...

Tomorrow....I turn 38.....and I start a new endeavor....going back to school again....and he's not here to see it....

He always wanted me to go back to school....he was incredibly supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life....so, I know he'd be proud if he knew I was doing it....

But, I don't do things for him anymore....maybe it's more like "because of him" I do some of the things that I do.....early in this journey I think I tried to do things "for him"....things that I thought he wanted me to do....now, it's shifted away from that....although, his influence is still there, I am doing this for me and the kids....to hopefully provide a better future....but,more importantly, to obtain the education necessary to continue to grow towards whatever it is that God wants to do with my life....a life that will hopefully combine my life experiences, education and calling into a unique contribution for God's glory.


So, Happy Birthday to us....by the way, January birthdays really stink....they come soooo fast after the holidays....

De-Funking

It's been a better couple of days. I am wondering if all the holiday hoopla and a vacation to boot didn't set me up for the funk I was in. Now that we have our first week back home almost behind us things seem to be leveling out and getting back to normal.

Routines are essential to our family and when we are out of sync everyone suffers.

I was home with a sick child yesterday and I think that also helped me get an extra day at home to decompress.

I thrive on routine, stability, and security....when things feel out of control I have a hard time and everything seems much worse than it really is....

In reality, I have much to be thankful for....like....
*I no longer have to buckle any of my kids in their seatbelt, they do it themselves.
*All of my lightbulbs in my house are currently working.
*All of my Christmas decor is put away.
*All the laundry is currently done.
*I get to start school to work on my PhD next week...a lifelong goal of mine...
*My renter paid on time this month.

But more importantly than those things...
*The kids and I are healthy.
*I have a wonderful extended family who supports and loves me unconditionally.
*Brian left us with no heavy baggage to have to work through...we know we were loved.
*God has blessed me with a wonderful church family.
*We have some "refrigerator rights" friends to do life with.
*My kids are doing well in school and their behavioral issues are minimal by most standards.
*God is giving me some new dreams...and I am having fun thinking about them.


So, I consider myself officially "de-funked" for a while....

And for that, I am SOOOO grateful....(and so are my kids)

In a Funk

I am frustrated that I can't seem to predict or prevent these funks I get in. Just a few weeks ago things were going so well and I was feeling better than I have felt in a long, long time. Today, I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it.

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being an only parent for the rest of my foreseen life. It's hard, really hard. I want my kids to have every opportunity that any other child has and I don't want them to miss out on their childhood. I try so hard to keep all the plates spinning but lately I am just tired of the whole charade.

I will never give up and I will fight through this funk....but, I wish God would give me a little glimmer of hope to hold on to....it would be really nice to know that all this work is going to be worth it.....it would also be nice if I could avoid these down times....because it is during these times that I lose my confidence and question myself far too much....

It is also during these times that I wonder what I was smoking a few weeks earlier when I was feeling so good and so hopeful....which is real? The down times or the up times? (by the way, that's a joke...I have never smoked anything in my life....my allergies would go ballistic)

I think I have fallen into the trap of believing that my children are a direct reflection on me....so, when they are not at their best it makes me feel like a total failure....which is not always a healthy connection to make....and it doesn't help when I put them in situations that set them up to fail.....(like taking all three of them to the hair salon yesterday and expecting them to be good for two hours...I will never do that again....ever...never, ever...)

It's hard to know what to take responsibility for and how to make changes in my parenting that will be beneficial for them and me....I just want to get it right....for their sake...

Home

It's good to be home. It's good to be on our own turf. We were gone for thirteen days and there is nothing like coming home.

I struggled quite a bit on our trip. I took comments from my brother-in-law and mom too personal. I let their comments taint our interactions. I wish I was more mature than that.

I love my family. I adore my family. But, I grew weary of some of them and I am sure they grew weary of me.

On the way home last night my kids got a 35 minute lecture from me. For the first time, I pointed out to them the fact that I am one parent trying to do the work of two. They were ungrateful on the trip and seemed to have a hard time understanding that I couldn't be in two places at once doing two different things.

I don't know if I was too hard on them or if I should have kept my frustrations to myself...but it's too late now. They heard it from me....life without their daddy is extremely hard (but good still) and I can't always do it all by myself.

After I had said my peace we all apologized to each other and promised to each give 100% in our family. I don't know if it is going to help anything, but it felt ok to admit to them that I can't physically (especially on a ski vacation) do everything for them anymore....I told them I was done giving 150% and them giving about 20%....I told them I didn't mind giving 150% if they were giving 100% themselves (I don't expect them to give what an adult can give but they can take more responsibility than they are currently taking)...but when they aren't doing their part, it makes me angry and resentful..

Parenting is tough....I fail a lot....but, I love them and would do anything for them....hopefully, all the good and bad balance each other out...

I hope I didn't give them too much guilt....they seem to be fine today....

Happy New Year 2008!

Happy New Year from Wolf Creek, Colorado!

I didn't make any New Years Resolutions. I am, however, trying to evaluate the things in my life that may need change or adjustment. If nothing else, I pray that in 2008 I will spend more time being "present-minded". I tend to be either looking back at the past or driving myself crazy trying to plan my future.

Realistically, it is important to learn from the past and plan for the future and I do want to continue doing that. I just don't want to be so obsessed with it all this year. I just want to enjoy my life and my kids and try to honor God in my work and family.

On our drive out here to Colorado I didn't look at the map one time. I was following my parents and sister and her family in the car ahead of me so I didn't really need a map. It wasn't until we got here that I realized I had left the map in the back of car and never consulted it.

Interesting. I am usually one to plot our way on trips....notating how far we have gone and have far we have to go....always referring to it at every new major town.

I guess subconsciously I trusted my dad to know where he was going....and I was comfortable following along....

Maybe that is how my faith needs to change a little this year. Sure, I need to know that I am headed in the right direction....but, I don't need to be obsessed with trying to measure the distance we've come or the distance we still need to go.....

I need to be comfortable following THE One I trust.....and He will continue to guide my life....and for that I am grateful....

Here's to a great 2008!

The Picture Says It All....

Colorado.....2007.....

We're Here!!!

We made it to Colorado in one piece!

We spent today recovering from the trip and we found a great sledding hill nearby. As the camera operator I was bowled over by my youngest son while trying to take his picture.....I did a face plant in the snow but saved my nice camera. It happened so fast.. I am still not sure why I didn't see him coming at me so fast and furiously.

A few minutes later, Nathan challenged me to a section of the hill that had a ramp...big mistake....What goes UP must come DOWN....I landed square on my left cheek (not the cheek on my face)....OUCH!

An hour later, I am trying to clean out my car because of all the filth that was deposited there on our 13 hour roadtrip...I got out of the car and promptly did a Charlie Brown....I fell directly on the same cheek as I had just fallen on earlier....Double OUCH! It was a patch of ice and I landed on frozen solid snow....

I am going to be hurting in the morning...and we haven't even been skiing yet...

Christmas 2007

Christmas 2007 was a sweet time with my family and Brian's family. I am not sure I understand it, but,like everyone says, a new "normal" has emerged. There were no tears on Christmas day this year. No quick trips to the bedroom or bathroom to recover from the emotional distress. It was strange, but good.

I don't really "get" how I am feeling these days. For the most part, I feel better than I have ever felt before. How does that happen? I am thankful that the waters are calm but also a little confused by the sense of "peace" that I have about my life.

There is still a part of me that feels "bad" when I feel "good". I know in my head that this is a good thing....that we are moving forward...but my heart still has a few strings attached to Brian.

Not only that, but, I also feel weird when I have an opportunity to see good come out of this tragedy...it's like "how could I feel so fulfilled and at peace" when I see the "good" when the only reason I am seeing the "good" is because of something so tragic. The price was far too high and the pain so deep and personal...it seems as though the "good" is tainted....

I also find that God is stirring some new passions in my life about how I might continue to see Him bring beauty from the ashes. Every time I find myself in a situation where I am able to provide a part of my life to someone else who is hurting, I get more passionate about wanting to do that more....

I don't know where my life is headed....but I am at complete peace about it....except for the fact that I am at complete peace about it....it's a weird spot to be in....

This too shall pass...I am sure...

I am headed to Colorado tomorrow morning with my family to ring in the New Year. I am looking forward to some great times on the slopes with my kids....and I am certain that 2008 will find God faithful in my life and in yours...

Lexi's Christmas Card

Lexi brought home a Christmas card for me today that she had made at school. Here is how it read:

To: Mom
From: Lexi


"I love you mom alot and you love me and dad does too even when he is still in heaven. I love him still too. I hope that you like this card."

Lexi


Yep, sometimes Christmas makes me cry....

Just have to laugh sometimes....

Hmmmmm.......what is wrong with this picture?

I affectionately refer to Braden's feet as "Fred Flinstone feet". He wears a 13 1/2 Extra Wide shoe and that particular shoe is few and far between to find in any store. I finally found a website that carries Stride Rite shoes and ordered a pair of light up shoes for him on the internet. They arrived yesterday. He was so excited that....yes, he slept in them. That's a first, considering I can hardly get the boy to ever wear shoes outside or anywhere else for that matter.

You just have to laugh sometimes....

Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry

I am not sure if this is an old or new song but it has caught my attention this Christmas season. The lyrics are below:

"Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry"

I THINK OF LOVED ONES WHO’VE PASSED AWAY
AND I PRAY THEY’RE RESTING IN A BETTER PLACE
I THINK OF MEMORIES OF YEARS GONE BY
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF SOLDIERS ACROSS THE SEA
AND SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF ME
THAT FOR MY FREEDOM THEY GIVE THEIR LIVES
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

TEARS OF THANKFULNESS
TEARS OF HOPE
I CRY TEARS OF JOY AT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I KNOW
THERE IS PEACE ON EARTH FOR EVERY HEART TO FIND
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF FAMILY
I THINK OF HOME
AND SAY A PRAYER FOR THOSE WHO SPEND THIS TIME ALONE
‘CAUSE LOVE CAN REACH OUT INTO A SILENT NIGHT
AND THAT’S WHY CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF A MARY AND A VIRGIN BIRTH
AND I’M AMAZED BY HOW MUCH GOD THINKS WE ARE WORTH
THAT HE WOULD SEND HIS ONLY SON TO DIE
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY


The chorus is powerful: "Tears of Thankfulness, Tears of Hope. I cry tears of Joy at Christmas because I know there is peace on earth for every heart to find...and sometimes Christmas makes me cry".

My heart has found peace this Christmas....and for that I am grateful.

Yep, there are still tears.....especially for my kids....but, mostly they are tears of hope and thankfulness....I'm thankful for what I had and hopeful about what God has in store for us in the future.....we are growing forward....and I can now look back and see the distance that has already been traveled....and if we can make it through what we have been through, I KNOW there are some sweet days ahead....

My Christmas Angels

On Monday and Tuesday of this week I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I was running out of steam and still had a couple of big events to get through. I guess I became pretty grumpy and out of sorts. I found myself over-reacting to things that normally wouldn't have elicited such a response.

One of the main culprits of my stress was the Christmas party at my house last night that included about forty people from work. It was a progressive dinner and the main course was at my house. I enjoy having people in my home and I am always happy to try to be hospitable when the need arises. However, for some reason, this year it seemed like I had overcommitted myself and I was begining to wonder if I was going to be able to pull it off.

To make a long story short, I was reminded of God's grace and provision when two church members rang my doorbell at noon on Tuesday and declared themselves "the stress-busters" that I needed. They showed up just to help me get things ready for the party. I didn't ask them to come....they just came (one of them ran into me at church and I must have come across as pretty grumpy). Nevertheless, they were a huge blessing to me yesterday. They stayed the whole afternoon and made sure everything was ready. And, I laughed harder than I have in a long time as we swapped some tall tales and shared some funny stories. So, instead of mumbling under my breath the whole afternoon about how stressed I was, I got to spend some time with some sweet people. They came back just before the party started and made another big delivery for me. Simple acts of kindness are a clear reminder to me that God knows what I need, when I need it...and I felt like He sent me two Christmas angels yesterday...

It's the little things that mean the most to me.....and for that I am grateful...


One other thing.....I was really proud of my kids last night. They helped me serve at the party. They each had a job. Nathan filled the glasses with ice. Lexi carried around a big basket of bread to pass out. Braden made sure everyone got butter. All three of them passed out after dinner mints to each guest. They really did well. I was so proud of them because they were doing their very best to "serve" others. I thought I was going to kill them about five minutes before the guests arrived...but, once the doorbell started ringing they rose to the occassion.....yeah for them!!!

Music to my ears...

Nathan (my third grader) usually falls asleep reading each night. Lately, he has been getting more and more into reading. Tonight, I told him he could read one more chapter and then call it a night. He is reading "Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo". For him, this is a pretty challenging book and it is definitely stretching his reading ability. About an hour after I told him to read one more chapter I went in to check on him and he was sitting up straight in his bed reading away. I told him he needed to go to bed and he asked me "can't I finish this chapter...it only has 4 more pages".....

Those words were music to my ears....he is ENJOYING reading....Woooohooooo.....He doesn't want to put the book down.....WOOOHOOOO...

Like everyone else, I believe reading is the single most important ability to try to develop in your children. I am just glad that he is stretching himself and even enjoying it.

His question to stay up later was music to my ears....and of course I told him he could....

The Reason for the Season

Not to beat a dead horse....but I have been chewing on the whole "Blue Christmas Service" that I attended. I think it struck a chord with me because I have heard sermons all my life that instruct people to make sure they focus on the real reason for the season. I get that. I understand that. I agree with that.

However, I have also heard sermons that berated (in a pretty gentle way) anyone who allows issues in their life to overshadow the "real reason for the season". Is that really possible to deny the "stuff" that life brings our way for an entire season? Is it healthy to try so hard to "focus" on Christ during Christmas when life is pulling us apart emotionally?

I found myself feeling guilty the first year that Brian died when I didn't feel like celebrating "the reason for the season". I felt badly that at a church worship service I allowed my emotions to overtake me. I felt like I had failed at Christmas because I couldn't join in like I thought I was supposed to.

So maybe my expectations of myself were a little off....and maybe, just maybe, the church's expectations of people are a little off too......

But, what really matters...is the question "what does God expect of us at Christmas"? Does He expect us to deny the pain...to pretend that we are ok when we really aren't? Does He want us to berate believers who aren't "in the spirit"? What does God want?

I think God wants us as we are....where we are....for who we are. Jesus' birth happened in less than ideal circumstances. God didn't orchestrate a picture perfect entry into this world for His own Son. Think about it. Christmas has always been permeated by the sinful, fallen nature of the world we live in. Not even Bethlehem could produce a perfect night....without challenges and frustration....hello, can you imagine giving birth in a barn? Not an ideal circumstance.

Yet, God is able to take the "Bethlehem" of our life and make something beautiful out of it. God isn't bothered by the "stuff" that is in our barn...be it grief or greed or materialism or sadness or misplaced priorities or disappointments or failures.....He just wants us to let Him in....He doesn't have to be the star of the show.....He just wants us to let him in.....regardless of the smell and stench of our humanity.

The reason for the season may not be just about "celebration"....maybe it is supposed to be about "redemption" and "reconciliation" and "mercy" and "forgiveness"....maybe it's more about God meeting us in our Bethlehem and providing hope that His work in and through us is never really complete.

There may be another second edition later....just some random thoughts that still need some fleshing out.

A Blue Christmas...(second edition)

Last night I attended a "Blue Christmas Service" at a Methodist church in Fort Worth. I went by myself hoping to engage in a meaningful worship experience that would acknowledge the pain of the holidays for those who are still grieving the loss of a loved one. Up until this year I had not heard of such a service. Every Christmas service that I had ever attended was completely focused upon the joy of Christmas. Because of my life experience, I now understand that while there is a lot of joy at Christmas there is also a lot of undeniable pain.

I found the service to be extremely meaningful and well done. If nothing else, it acknowledged the difficult emotions and validated the sorrow that we all feel when we are facing the holidays without the people we most want to share them with. I don't think we do a very good job of giving people permission to grieve at Christmas. We tend to shove down their throat the "hope and joy of Christmas". To be sure, there is a lot of hope and joy that should be celebrated at Christmas. However, to deny the sorrow is less than appropriate.

So, like many things in my life and experience, I realize that "balance" is the key. Obviously, Christmas isn't meant to be about "loss". I am not suggesting that all people need to find a balance. Clearly, for many people it isn't even an issue. Yet, for some, Christmas is an "in your face" reminder that life has changed and loss has done its damage.

I remember the first Christmas without Brian. Our church, like most, had a beautiful service that celebrated the birth of Jesus and showcased the gifts and talents of our congregation. I was caught off guard when "I'll be Home for Christmas" was sung and I thought I was going to completely lose it. I didn't go to that service expecting to feel such deep pain and sadness. But, it happened and it was one of the most difficult services I have ever sat through. I don't begrudge anyone for that and I certainly do not think there was anything inappropriate about the service. It was beautifully done. It honored Christ.

The point....is that Christmas tends to magnify our losses. I don't feel it was unspiritual of myself to be affected by a song. I think it was "human" of me. Likewise, I don't think God expects us to deny the sorrow. Rather, I think God asks us to bring Him our sorrow. And, in bringing Him our sorrow, we find His glorious presence.

Last night, this particular church invited us to bring our sorrow to God. There was no shame in it. There was nothing "unspiritual" about it. And, I saw people doing just that.....and I believe it honored God....


For me personally, I am glad that I had a chance, in a formal way, to acknowledge the sadness I still feel as I approach Christmas.....because, truthfully, it still hurts and I still miss him....and that's ok. And, in some odd way, I think giving myself permission to still feel his loss has freed me to continue to work on fully embracing the Joy of Christmas. I found some balance already this year....and for that, I am grateful.

Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving came and went with very little fanfare. I guess a "new normal" has emerged. The day was not emotionally charged like it had been the past two years. We made our visit to Brian's grave today and my emotions ignited for the first time in a long time. I drove away from there angry. I was angry that instead of being out shopping like a "normal" wife after Thanksgiving, I was visiting my dead husbands grave. I hate that. It's not supposed to be that way and I guess it still just makes me angry sometimes.

I spent part of Thanksgiving with my family and part of the day with Brian's family. I feel loved when I am at Brian's parents house but I am begining to feel more and more like an outsider. It isn't anything they do or any particular thing that has happened. They still treat me the same way they did when Brian was alive. I feel fortunate to have such an amicable relationship. However, I found myself feeling indifferent towards his two brothers and their wives and children. I am having a hard time wanting to invest myself in those relationships. I don't really feel all that great about how I am feeling. I feel sort of selfish and apathetic. Yet, the reality is that the only reason we have any type of relationship is now gone. Brian was our connecting point and without him I feel lost and uninterested.

When I went to bed last night I was feeling rather envious and down. I am envious of my brother and sister and the relationships they have with their spouses. I am envious of my parents because they have been married for 44 years. I am envious of my neices and nephews because they still have both of their parents to love them and raise them. I am envious. Pure and simple.

And, I am down. I'm down because I miss being married....and there just isn't a whole lot I can do about that....except to try to be thankful that I had what I had....and I am trying, really trying....but it just doesn't seem to be working.

What I know For Sure....

I have several blogs that I read on a daily basis. One of them is written by Marsha, a young widow from Illinois. I came across her blog via the "Young Widow Bulletin Board" that I used to spend a lot of time reading and benefiting from the experiences of other young widows. She wrote a post a few weeks ago in which she listed the things that she "knows for sure". Her post came out of a sermon that she heard where her pastor encouraged the congregation not to let the things that you don't know get in the way of what you do know. In other words, instead of focusing all your energy on trying to understand what is unknowable, remember what you do know and let those things guide you.

So, I read her blog and was very moved by it. She challenged her readers to list what they do know for sure....so here is mine....

1. My children are a gift and I cherish them. Our family is different than what I had imagined it would be. But, we are one great family. I am proud of who we are. I am proud of my kids.

2. God has been faithful to me in and through all things. His character is knowable. His love has been experienced. His comfort has been given. I am grateful....truly grateful for who He is.

3. My mom and dad are also gifts. Their support during the past 2 1/2 years has been amazing. My mom has come and stayed with me and helped me through busy times. My dad took on the two businesses that Brian left behind and has helped me deal with more issues than I ever knew I could or would have. I am eternally indebted to them.

4. The local church that I am a part of has been Jesus to us to the point that I also feel eternally indebted to them. Simple acts of kindness by dozens and dozens of people have shown my kids what Jesus would look like with skin on....I can't imagine going through this without their support and love.

5. Life is what it is.....and death is what it is. They mystery is no longer there....the reality of both has changed me.

6. I loved being loved.....and I miss that....but I am grateful to have experienced the unconditional love that Brian gave me....truly grateful....truly, truly grateful.

7. God has been able to bring good out of the tragedy I experienced. It doesn't mean that what happened is good....it just means that God is able to bring beauty out of the ashes....I have seen it firsthand.....I believe in the goodness of God.....

8. God desires for me to continue to grow forward....He understands my need to glance in the rearview mirror...Yet, He continually calls me to keep my eyes focused straight ahead....

9. I believe with all my heart that we are going to be more than just ok.....we have made it through some incredibly difficult days....and we are still smiling....still laughing.....still making memories.....and I look forward to the future...with great anticipation of what God will do with our lives.....


I am grateful for the things "I know for sure"....because it is these things that get me through those days when the "unknowable stuff" overwhelms me....

Loving Life

No words....the pictures say it all....


Grateful for my kids....

The "dew" in my life....

It seems as though God has been speaking right to me every time I go to church or listen to a sermon online or talk with someone about spiritual things. This past Sunday, my pastor talked about Gideon. I was struck by how patient God was with Gideon and how involved God was in the whole process of Gideons victory over the Midianites. I have questioned whether or not God is involved in the little details of our lives since Brian's death. I have considered an option that would put God more at a distance with us....and Gideon's story has given me pause for thought.

I ended up at this point because it would seem to me that if God is interested in the little details of our lives then surely He wouldn't choose to be uninvolved in the accident that took Brian's life. In other words, if He really isn't all that involved and doesn't really care whether we get a close parking place or not or whatever other silly things we sometimes pray when we are in a hurry or behind a deadline....then that makes it more ok that it appears that He wasn't involved enough in Brian's life to prevent the accident.


But....the story of Gideon seems to indicate to me that God is at least willing to be involved in the the "dew" of our lives (See Judges 6)...Gideon basically asked God to give him signs to help Him know how to be obedient....or to be able to trust His commands....over and over again....God did things just for Gideon...just so he'd know that he was on the right track....and Gideon experienced victory....in a most unorthodox way....

What did that say to me? God is patient with us when we are uncertain what He wants us to do. God is willing and able to intervene in our lives and provide confirmations of His will....God apparently understands that it is hard for me be certain of His direction for my life....God has given me some "dew" lately.....Instead of questioning it, I should embrace it....and just "do" it.....

His voice

Last night Braden asked me "what did daddy's voice sound like?"

Sigh......


I told him we would watch some videos of him so he could remember......


Sometimes I think about that too....and I notice that some of those memories are fading....his voice, his touch....

Just a reminder that grief is an ongoing process for my kids...especially Braden.....

I'm in....

I had my interview today....I guess it went well because I have been accepted into the program.

I should be excited and thrilled...and I mostly am....

But....

I was asked this question and it is still bothering me...."You are a single parent and a full-time employee, tell me what your thought process is about how you will be able to manage being a student as well"......

I expected some type of reference to the fact that I am raising three kids on my own....but I didn't expect to be called a single parent. When people refer to people as "single parents" it usually isn't a compliment...there is this insinuation that a single parent is a second class parent.

It bothered me....it was a little bit of a slap in the face of reality....some people do consider me a second class parent I guess.....

It's not by my choice that I fall into that category.....I never meant to end up being a "single parent"....I prefer the term "only parent".....


Again, I expected some type of reference to it...I thought it would be in reference to my widow status...not my status as a parent....

I don't think it was meant to be an offensive way to ask me what I considered to be a fair question....and it wasn't asked in a derogatory tone...it was very matter of fact.....and more than anything, it bothers me that it bothers me....why should it bother me.....that is what I am.....I guess...

Conflicting emotions right now....excitement about the door that is open......frustration that I have a status that I never wanted.....


But....I'm in....and now the real work begins....