In a Funk

I am frustrated that I can't seem to predict or prevent these funks I get in. Just a few weeks ago things were going so well and I was feeling better than I have felt in a long, long time. Today, I am in a funk and I can't seem to get out of it.

I guess I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of being an only parent for the rest of my foreseen life. It's hard, really hard. I want my kids to have every opportunity that any other child has and I don't want them to miss out on their childhood. I try so hard to keep all the plates spinning but lately I am just tired of the whole charade.

I will never give up and I will fight through this funk....but, I wish God would give me a little glimmer of hope to hold on to....it would be really nice to know that all this work is going to be worth it.....it would also be nice if I could avoid these down times....because it is during these times that I lose my confidence and question myself far too much....

It is also during these times that I wonder what I was smoking a few weeks earlier when I was feeling so good and so hopeful....which is real? The down times or the up times? (by the way, that's a joke...I have never smoked anything in my life....my allergies would go ballistic)

I think I have fallen into the trap of believing that my children are a direct reflection on me....so, when they are not at their best it makes me feel like a total failure....which is not always a healthy connection to make....and it doesn't help when I put them in situations that set them up to fail.....(like taking all three of them to the hair salon yesterday and expecting them to be good for two hours...I will never do that again....ever...never, ever...)

It's hard to know what to take responsibility for and how to make changes in my parenting that will be beneficial for them and me....I just want to get it right....for their sake...