Sometimes it really helps to have someone to be a sounding board and interpret some of the conflicting feelings I am having. For me, that comes in the form of several of my friends or from my counselor that I still see on an occasional basis.
Today I had a chance to meet with my counselor. He helped me sift through several things that were nagging at me.
I told him about the opportunity I had before Christmas to give back some of the comfort I had been given to one of my child's former teachers. He helped me understand that for "such a time as that" God has equipped me to serve a unique purpose. It's a part of who I have become as a result of having a tragedy in my life...I am stronger than I was before...I can go into a crisis situation and not be intimidated by it because I have lived through it myself. It is in those moments where things seem to come full circle that I can be grateful for the opportunity and know that Brian's death mattered....it mattered that I have tried to grow and learn from it...this hasn't been in vain....and that is a really cool thing....It's not cool that other people have to go through difficult times....but it is cool that God can take who I have become and use it for His glory.
My parenting was also a significant part of our discussion. I am struggling right now about the sense of "entitlement" that my kids have displayed lately...I want them to be grateful and appreciative....but I realized today that I can't mandate gratitude...I can't force them to be grateful, but I can model it....and perhaps modeling gratitude is more effective than beating them over the head with it....it was also helpful to know that I am not the only one who worries about whether their kids appreciate the life that they have....my response is that I need to model gratitude more and preach at my kids less. I have some ideas about how I can do that.
One of the other issues that I needed direction on was about my experience at orientation the other night. I was questioning how well I was really doing if this one "introduction" caused me such anxiety and stress. I was reassured and encouraged to look at it as just a simple realization that I may need to rehearse some answers for potential questions when I am in new situations. I haven't really been in very many new situations and I had forgotten how helpful it can be to have a rehearsed answer for random questions. I remember having to come up with an answer to "how are you doing"? I knew no one really wanted to know (this was in the first months after Brian's death) so I had to figure out what the best way would be to answer some of the questions people were asking. It made a huge difference when I had a rehearsed answer....and so, I need to be more prepared, and I will be...I guarantee that!
Finally, I was still feeling bad about our family vacation. Most of it had to do with the fact that I realized on our vacation that I could never live with my parents again. It wouldn't be good for me or them. It's not that we had any knock-down drag-out fights...overall, we had a really good time, it was just too much time togehter. I let that bother me because my sister and brother both have recently lived with my parents and they seemed to be fine with it. However, I now know that if I ever did move back to Oklahoma I would have to have a place on my own....and in a way, that actually helped me realize that it is ok and probably even good that I have a life here in Texas. I guess it answered the nagging question that I sometimes have about whether I should just pack up and move to Oklahoma and be with my family. For now, my life is here and I am more than OK with that!!!! Actually, yes I could live with them if I had to...I would make it work. But, I think it is best that I don't ever do that.
All in all, we are doing just fine.....we still have our struggles but we have come sooo far, and for THAT I am GRATEFUL!
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