Drawing from the past...

I realized this week that one of the benefits of going through the earthly hell of losing Brian is that I had to learn how to take things one moment, one hour, one day, one decision at a time. And, when I look back at all that has been done since his death I realize that I have come a long way in the journey. However, it didn't happen all at once...it happened in little bits and pieces...

I can apply that to my life now. I need to take school one class, one paper, one semester at a time. There is no benefit in looking too far down the road and allowing anxiety to overwhelm me.

One thing that continues to puzzle me is why I still struggle with "confidence". In my mind I know that I have indeed been through an earthly hell. I had to deal with so much in that first year or so. I could write a book about all the difficult things that I had to do. You would think that having come out on the other side of most of that that I would be extremely confident and self-assured.

Not true. Instead, I find myself shaking in my boots when I have to acknowledge to a group who I am and the fact that I am an only parent to three children. For the first time since his death, I am in a situation where most people don't know me or the context of my life. It's scary. It's intimidating. I lost my confidence the other night. I actually kept telling myself "you have been through hell, what's the big deal about this". Still, it was hard. Still, I felt inadequate and insecure. Why?

I don't know the answer to my own question. I might have a couple of guesses, but really, I am not sure.

However, I do know that I can draw from the past and know that there is probably not much of anything in this world that is more difficult than having to tell your three children that their daddy died. Everything else should seem easy...or at least manageable....