It's a two Benadryl night....my head is swimming....Both excitement and Fear running deep into my thoughts...
One step, one seminar, one project, one paper at a time....I keep telling myself....I am overwhelmed and scared...and wondering if I have lost my mind.....
It frustrates me that I can be so at peace about my decision to start school....but also, simultaneously scared out of my whatever about whether or not I can do it....
I can't do it...it's a God sized task....I'll do my part...but I am dependent on God to get me through this...
Definitely a two Benadryl night....
Side note....I went to orientation tonight....everyone had to introduce themselves...tell about their family...marital status...etc......I was the last to go and I made it through my introduction with just a slight quiver in my throat. It's still HARD to introduce myself and include a statement about my widow status. Tonight, it wasn't something I could ignore, I was put in a difficult place and made it through it....I hate that........I wish it didn't still make my stomach get in knots...I wish I didn't still have to pray "please dear God let me get through this...please help me not cry"....I can talk about it all day long with people who know and love me....put me in a new situation and force me to talk about it and it still takes my breath away...and brings up so much emotion....why is that? It's not like I haven't tried really hard to work through it...it's not like it just happened yesterday....Why does it still have to be so hard? I definitely made progress and I think most people would say I handled it well....but they don't know the fight that was going on inside of me....the fight to keep my emotions under control....I HATE that...
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Going back to school is something that you have wanted to do...and it's something Brian wanted you to do. Any new thing is scary...but all you can do is take it one step at a time. Remember, no cannonballs...just ease into it. Easier said then done though, right?
I'm sorry that you had to go through that difficult situation tonight. I wondered if you would have to talk about that. You are working through Brian's death, but I wonder if you will always find it hard to introduce yourself and talk about your "widow status?"
I don't have the answers, but I am here to listen and support you however I can. You made it through...even with it being difficult.
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