The Post-Brian "Me"

Life is so interesting and complex. Today I realized that there really is a Post-Brian "me" that is emerging. I have done a lot of work to create a new identity that reflects who I am and how I have changed since Brian's death.

One small, probably insignificant example occurred today. I have been going to class now for about 6 weeks. I have begun to get to know some people in my seminars and the relationships are beginning to develop. I no longer feel like a stranger when I walk into class. We were asked to pair up today in groups of two for collaboration on a group assignment. I ended up working with a guy who happens to be on the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum. He talks and interacts with people constantly, almost annoying at times. We finished our discussion and he asked me how many seminars I was taking. I told him "two" and he said "wow, you are going to be at this forever!" I agreed and said that I had three kids and a job and that yes, I would be at it forever. He then said something to the effect of "your husband won't help you around the house so you can take more classes huh?" It really didn't come out as offensive as that probably sounds...he was trying to be funny. I said, "no, actually he died a couple of years ago and so I am on my own"....open mouth, insert foot. What followed was not a "poor pitiful you" type of conversation...I very matter of factly continued the conversation with him and answered the questions he had about what had happened, how old were my kids, etc. Funny thing is that I didn't feel badly about the conversation. I didn't feel uncomfortable...I didn't feel embarrassed or pitiful....I surprised myself with how well I handled it. He ended the conversation with "remind me not to make any more bad jokes about your husband"...or something like that....I told him not to worry about it, he didn't know and we went on with the rest of class.

I had dreaded that type of conversation and fully expected it to happen as I got to know people who know nothing of my history with Brian. I avoided making it a part of my introduction for that particular class because I didn't want it to be the focus of who I was and I didn't want "pity" to be the first label that I received.

So....what I had dreaded...it happened....and I handled it surprisingly well. It didn't cause me to get emotional. I walked away from class knowing that I had just taken another step towards living out who I have become....and I guess I was sort of proud....

I don't think I will dread those type of conversations anymore....if they happen, they happen. I can handle it and while I am sure he was embarrassed I think I responded well enough that he didn't feel pity for me or my situation...

Who is the Post-Brian "me"? I think I am beginning to understand and believe that who I can become as a result of the events in my life may actually be a stronger, more confident and definitely more compassionate person than I ever was "before Brian's death".