The mystery in my faith...

I struggle, on a regular basis, with the mystery in my faith. There are times when it stays under the surface and it doesn't impact me. There are other times when it comes to the forefront and almost seems overwhelming.

This is one of those times when the mystery of it all seems a little overwhelming. It's a good thing in that it causes me to wrestle with the issues. Struggle is almost always a good thing. Struggle precedes growth, doesn't it? If I look at growth in my life on a timeline....there has always been some type of struggle that caused me to have to grow beyond myself.

I see it in nature. The most simplistic example would be the metamorphosis of a butterfly. There has to be a certain amount of struggle in order for the butterfly to emerge.

I see it in my children. Learning to read has been a struggle for both of my kids. They have had to work at it. But, then the breakthrough happens....and they soar.

I see it in my faith. Significant growth never occurs for me without a struggle.

It seems then that I should welcome struggle....but I don't. I get frustrated when I have to struggle.....sometimes I get angry....but, the end result is usually growth.

The mystery in my faith is frustrating. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I wish I knew how to talk about God's work in the world and in my life. I don't have a clue why things have happened the way they have for me and the kids. I can not bring myself to say that "this was just God's will for my life". I just can't say that. How could it be God's will for my children to lose their father? How could that be?

I hear people around me flippantly talk about what God has done for them or how He has blessed them and I usually think one of two things: Either I think they are totally clueless and haven't had something beyond explanation happen to them or I think maybe I am the one who messed up and lost God's blessing. Neither one of those responses are good. I recognize that.....but, that's where I am at.

I am trying to define my faith with an inadequate and faulty perspective.....I tend to filter everything through my own experience....and that's not healthy.....

Yet....how do you know which things are truly from God and which things are just part of living in a dying world?

The struggle will produce growth....I am confident of that....I am just tired of the filter I have.....how do I not let what has happened to me impact how I define my faith and how I accept the mystery of it?


For now, I have to acknowledge the mystery....I have to be honest and authentic about the things I don't understand......but, I also can't deny all the things that I do know for sure about God.....and that's where I have to hang my hat until the struggle subsides and the growth occurs....