Sometimes I wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choices related to how I am trying to rebuild my life. I was talking to my sister today on the phone and I asked her "what would you be doing if you were me?" I asked her that question because she knows me pretty well and understands most of my current situation and all the variables that go along with where I am at right now.

I suppose that the quietness of this week has given me room to wonder if I am headed in the right direction. The reality of going to school has hit. I have worked all week trying to get papers written so that the kids won't feel my stress in the coming weeks as the semester winds down and deadlines approach. Going to school is going to take a sacrifice on my part. I realized that this week when I really wanted to be outside enjoying the Spring weather and instead I was inside working furiously on the computer. I don't mind sacrifice as long as I am certain it is what I am supposed to be doing....and mostly, I am certain...but there are still twinges of doubt.

My question to my sister is fueled by the frustration I feel in not knowing where my life is headed and how much things may or may not change in the coming years. We've had these discussions before and I never come out of them knowing any more than I did when we start the conversation.

Here's where I struggle......I am working extremely hard to make sure that I am prepared to continue to provide for my children's needs and for my needs. I work off the assumption that I am the only one who is going to make sure we have what we need. As a result, I am pushing myself to go to school and continuing to work instead of trying to live off a reduced income that would dip into savings and money set aside for the kids future needs. I am allowing the future to dictate my present decisions. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing...but it is a stressful burden to carry...and it leaves little room for depending on God to meet our needs. Maybe it is a lack of faith or maybe it is just part of my personality to want to be certain that I have all my bases covered financially.

The reality though is this....I don't want to carry these burdens on my own forever....I hope and pray that God will someday provide someone in my life to love and do life with....I don't enjoy being single....it's not near as much fun as being married....but, my kids and their needs are in conflict with my desires. I can't do anything that would impact them negatively. I don't want to complicate their lives or create uncertainty for them. They have been through enough and I certainly don't want to add anything else to their plate.

So, back to my question I posed to Kathy today.....am I doing what I should be doing in order to find the life God intends for me? What if going to school is a big waste of time for me (just something that creates stress, costs money and limits quality time with my kids)? What if, by going to school and continuing to try to increase my ability to provide for my kids, I miss what God really has for me? Should I just live for today and trust that everything will work out? Should I loosen up the purse strings and remove things from my life that are stressful for me or the kids? I even had one person tell me that I was "trying to fulfill a role that God never intended for me to fulfill"....Gee thanks, that was profound....maybe it is true (??) but where does that leave me....what else am I supposed to do except to try to fulfill all the roles that need to be filled in order to raise my children and run a household....not the brightest statement but the person who made it is pretty well respected and well educated.....

I understand that no one can tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes....but sometimes I wonder if there might be a better way to approach my life than the way I am doing it. I have tried to seek God's will for my life in everything that I do. But, I gotta admit, sometimes I wonder what difference it makes.....Brian and I sought direction and guidance on a regular basis....and look what happened....it didn't seem to matter.....the end was still the same.....

Sometimes I wonder.....I really, really wonder what the heck the purpose is for my life.....

While the doubts are there....the reality is that I do believe God is God and I am not.....I do believe that this is but one long and painful chapter of my life and that there will be chapters filled with hope and joy and love....I do believe that God cares for me and provides for me in ways that I am not even aware.....I do believe that it is God who has sustained me through this difficult time and it is God who will continue to guide me....I do believe that God can bring beauty from ashes......I just want to see some of that beauty....NOW, if at all possible.....