At the end of the day...

I have been reminded this weekend that "at the end of the day....I still go home by myself". It sucks.

The kids are in Oklahoma for their annual trip to Grandma's during Spring Break. I am trying to get a paper written. It's going a little slower than I would like. However, my goal is to get as much done while they aren't here so that our Spring won't be a crazy, stressed out time.

Two friends have celebrated big birthdays this weekend and so I have attended two different parties. It's been really nice to have some "adult" time. I have laughed a lot this weekend. However, I still can't get past that feeling of being "different", of being "alone". I do the best I can but it still hurts. And, at the end of the day, I have no one's hand to hold and that just sucks big time.

I have found myself thinking "this isn't what I wanted" several times this weekend. I think I have come a long way, but it is frustrating that I am now doing this on my own....with no end in sight.

It's a constant struggle....I take huge steps forward and then something happens and I feel like I haven't come as far as I thought I had. I understand that this probably part of the journey...that it is normal....but, I am tired of it.

Still, I am doing the only things that I know to do.....to keep dreaming, to keep loving my kids, and to keep believing that God can bring beauty from ashes....