Further thoughts....

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that there are some sore spots that I still have in relation to Brian's death. I have some further thoughts related to that post and I wanted to jot them down....

I have noticed that when people talk flippantly about "God's will" for their life or talk about how "blessed" they are or even talk about how God answered some prayer request (that to me maybe seems trite) that I get stirred up inside. Sometimes I just blow it off and don't think about it. Other times, it sends me down the road of wondering who God is and how He works...a road of confusion....

I think I have realized that I am sensitive about that because every time someone talks about their "successful" walk with the Lord, that may include blessings, protection, healing, etc., that I allow myself to feel beat down by their "success" and my "failure". In other words, if they have God wrapped around their finger doing everything they ask, blessing everything they do, protecting and healing their loved ones then I must have done something wrong or I must not be as "spiritual"...or maybe I just don't really understand how all that works...

It almost feels like a quick punch to the stomach....it usually catches me off guard and I am distracted by the effects of it for varying lengths of time. It's not that I begrudge people for being blessed or experiencing God's protection or healing....not at all...I am genuinely happy for my friends and family when they experience the "good" in life...and, for the most part, I recognize that I am extremely blessed in many, many, many ways....but I have also had my heart broken and my life forever changed and I had no control over it....and that is difficult to let go of...

It feels like everyone else in life has won and I have lost.....and I don't understand why....especially when I begin playing the comparison game.....I shouldn't even go there but I do.

I "know" that what I have just described is not "rational" or "true". When I break it down and look at it I realize that I have some bad connections going on....that I am the one who has the issue and not all "those people (ha)" that are so flippant.

I suppose that recognizing the faulty thinking is the first step to putting that aside.....so, I have recognized it....now I just need to figure out how to disconnect those things that shouldn't be connected...

I've mentioned before that this tragedy has created a filter that I process my thoughts, feelings, and actions through that isn't necessarily healthy. There are parts of the filter that are helpful but there are also parts of it that are not.

I've still got some work to do in processing my thoughts and feelings....maybe someday I'll get there...