Loyalty

By my very nature I am an extremely loyal person. I have always been one to have strong loyalties to people, organizations, teams that I played on, churches, etc. I was loyal to Brian during our marriage and I find that my loyalty to him now tends to become a sticking point for me as I work to rebuild my life and move forward.

It sometime feels disloyal to think certain ways about my life without Brian. Even as I think about God's plan and purpose for my life I find that my loyalty to Brian clouds my thinking. It feels disloyal to think that I could admit that the way my life has turned out was part of God's plan and purpose for my life. I think that if I become "ok" with my life and the purpose that my life serves then that must mean that my life with Brian had a secondary importance....as if he was just a small part of who I was supposed to become....

I am still very loyal to Brian. I was talking with someone the other day who worked with Brian in the home building business. She was telling me about some problem that happened after Brian died that I never knew about. I found myself apologizing to her that she had to deal with that issue. My loyalty to him caused me to feel bad that something happened that he wasn't around to fix. In reality, she wasn't telling me that to make me feel bad....she was reminiscing about one particularly difficult customer he had to work with....but, I felt bad about it even when that wasn't her intent or purpose.

I feel stuck because of my loyalty issues....will I ever be able to accept the purpose God has for my life if I can't allow myself to be ok with things because I feel disloyal to Brian? In reality, Brian has no need for my loyalty now.....maybe I am still trying to prove to myself how much I loved him and miss him??? I have no doubts that he knew he was loved by me....I told him often....and I miss hearing him tell me that he loves me....

How do I let go of this need to stay loyal to him? I think I have to figure this out before I can truly embrace the rest of my life....is it just a personality issue that I am dealing with here? Or, is there something underneath this need to remain loyal....at the expense of accepting and embracing my new life....

I am thankful for my life, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, and a thousand other things. I am optimistic about my future, about my children's future. I am taking steps to rebuild my life and I can see the walls starting to come up...much progress has been made. But, there is this undercurrent of loyalty that causes me to hang on to him in some ways that may actually be detrimental to the future God is calling me towards....

I am struggling with putting into words what is going on in my head...this was a first attempt.....