School Update

Today I finished my first semester of doctoral work. It felt GOOD!!!!

Several things happened that I think are worth noting:

1. As I said above, it felt GOOD!! It felt like I was doing exactly what I supposed to be doing. I have no regrets about going back to school. I believe it was the right decision and I am excited about the opportunities that are before me. I struggled and struggled to make the decision to go back to school. My biggest concern was my kids. I didn't want them to suffer from it. I can honestly say that I don't believe my kids suffered at all. I may have been a little distracted the past couple of weeks but I was able to manage my time in a way that minimally impacted them. If anything, I wish I had gone back to school earlier....because I have enjoyed it so much.

2. I established myself with my classmates and my professors. Relationships have developed and I have truly enjoyed having a new group of people to get to know and experience school with.

3. I grew through my identity crisis. When I started the program in January I immediately faced an identity crisis in that I had to introduce myself in several different situations that made me uncomfortable. I grew through that to the point that today my identity just slipped out unexpectedly and confidently. I was making a presentation on children and the Internet and we were talking about "community" that occurs online. Someone made the comment that the Internet does provide "community" for people and that we shouldn't minimize that or be suspicious of that. A very natural comment came from me about how I began blogging as a way to work through my loss and as a way to connect with other young widows. I can't remember exactly what I said but I self-disclosed that it had been difficult to find people like me when I found myself to be a 35 year old widow. It wasn't a big deal to anyone else but afterwards I realized that I had grown to the point where I could self-disclose in a public way that was very appropriate and helpful to the discussion. As a result, after class one of my classmates told me that she had lost her first husband just three years after they were married. I now have a new connection with a classmate that I didn't have before that wouldn't have happened if I had not been open about my life.....Yeah for me...yeah for God who heals us to the point where we can be open about our struggles...(Side note....as we were talking on the way out of class she told me that she had heard my story but didn't know how Brian had died...It made me wonder how many people already know but I don't realize that they know....by addressing it today, it made it ok to talk about and we began a conversation that connected our stories....and, to be honest, I was sort of tickled to find that someone else in my class had a similar background....there is just a connection between widows that is hard to explain....

4. I was successful. I did well. I don't have my official grade but my professor was talking to me and another girl before class and she told us that we had set the pace for the class. She told me I did a wonderful job and that she hadn't marked anything down in my paper, just the word "excellent" on the back page.....woohoo...I will take that!! To be fair, she is a very encouraging professor....probably not the hardest one I will ever have....but I gave it my best shot and I feel good about the quality of work I turned in. In my other class I don't know yet what I got on my last paper but I have gotten an "A" on every assignment so far....so, it looks like two classes, two "A"'s

5. I am now ready for a summer break....I am looking forward to being more focused at home and at work...it's nice to have breaks!