There have been many points of growth along this journey that I have been on since June 2005 when Brian died. I have changed in many positive ways and have realized just how much more change and growth needs to occur. I guess it has been an eye opener to learn how shallow, unappreciative, and clueless I was and still can be at times. I have a different perspective on life now and I think that is probably a really good and needed thing.
One big difference that I have noticed is that the things I fear have changed.
I used to be a pretty big baby when it came to Brian being gone overnight. I would sleep with the television on if he was gone because the silence was scary. I didn't do many things by myself....I didn't enjoy coming into an empty house at night....part of that fear was because when I was in elementary school our house got broken into three times in one year and I really struggled with being afraid of someone hurting me or my family.....so, those fears were from my past but they impacted me even as an adult.
I don't fear that much anymore. If I hear noises or dogs barking I don't lay awake worrying about it. Instead I just figure that if someone wants to break in they will and if they kill me then they kill me. I know where I am going and I know who I am going to see so it really doesn't matter.
There are some new fears that I have though.....
I am afraid that I won't be able to provide everything my kids need....someone told me today that they paid 1000.00 per quarter just for car insurance for their teenage daughter....YIKES!!! I'm saving for their college but I didn't think about their car insurance....
I am afraid that if our church adds a Saturday night worship service that requires me to be there that it will have a negative impact on our family.....I am the only parent my kids have....and I worry that at some point I will have to choose between being a parent and being an employee....which brings me back to the fear of not being able to provide....
I am afraid that someday I will become a burden to my kids....that they will have to take care of me...that there will be no one to hold my hand through a difficult illness or painful death....
I am afraid that when they grow older and move out that I won't know what to do with myself....my kids are everything to me....what will it be like when they are gone....
Mostly, I fear not making the most of the life that God has given me. Am I really squeezing everything out of the life I have...? Am I making a difference....leaving a legacy? Am I swinging for the fence and leaving it all out on the field?
Life is a gift.
Fear and worry rob me of enjoying the moment that I am now in.......
I am working on this.....When I look too far into the future, the fear takes hold.
I still have so far to go.....still so many points of growth that need to happen.....
Trusting God with my future has become more difficult. I see God in my present and in my past.....I need to trust Him with my future as well.....I really struggle with this....it's a big obstacle for me.....a really big obstacle that needs to be overcome....
I have taken a huge amount of responsibility onto my shoulders...to raise three kids on my own and try to provide all the things they will need....the reality is, that God wants me to trust Him with that....He wants me to do my part...He wants me to work hard and be a good manager and steward.....but He also wants me to trust Him completely.....I am relying too much on myself and not enough on God......It's a hard balance for me to find.......doing my part but also trusting......
I'm working on it....
We'll get there....
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1 comment:
I think all of those fears are very much legit. I also think that you are doing all you can possibly do to prepare for those things which lie ahead. But keep in mind, that all of those things you mentioned are way down the road. Aren't you the one who tells me just to focus on today, instead of thinking about 5 years from now?
Hum...you have done what you can do today to prepare for the future. You are doing a great job being a Mom and an employee and a student and a landlord, etc... The yahoos are doing wonderfully and whatever comes in the future will come. After all, you have survived the worse thing that could happen to someone and are determined to have a good life for you and your children. I think that's proof that whatever comes in the future, you can handle that too. And remember, God is right there with you, walking with you each step of the way.
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