The Sore Spots

For the most part, I am now able to think about Brian and talk about him without getting emotional. I've come a long way in that regard. However, I was reminded this week that there are still some sore spots that will illicit a raw emotional response.

I have been wrestling with the question of "God's will" in my life. I don't know how to understand Brian's death in terms of whether or not it was "God's will" for my life. I posed the question of trying to understand or accept this as God's will in my life to my counselor this week. He pointed out that trying to answer that question can create quite a dilemma in regards to understanding who God is. I struggle with it because on the one hand I want God to be completely in control of my life and my future. It feels more secure to think that God is involved in every detail of my life. However, my experience lends me to think that God must not be very involved in my life or surely He would have protected Brian and allowed him to live. I have a hard time accepting it as "God's will" when it includes the death of my husband and my children's father. I can't wrap my mind around how I am supposed to view his death.

After hearing me ramble on a bit about this dilemma my counselor made this statement and asked me this question......"Shelly, I think that sometimes it is hard to think about everything in life in terms of it being "God's will" for our lives....maybe the better question to ask is....do you believe this is what God wanted to happen?"

My immediate answer was "no"....and then the tears came....painful tears.....to be honest, I am not sure why that question caused me to have such an emotional response....it wasn't just the average "this makes me sad" type of response...it was a gut-wrenching pain....a pain I had not experienced in a long time.....and I am still trying to process why that was such a sore spot for me....

I guess it had not occurred to me to look at it that way....and I knew the answer was absolutely no....no, my God would not have wanted this for me.....or for my children....

He then went on to say that Scripture talks about creation groaning....about how it grieves God to see His children hurting....and that life is sometimes just hard....and there some really hard things that we go through....but that doesn't change who God is or the love He has for us....

I don't believe it was God's will for Brian to die and leave me to raise three children on my own. I don't think it surprised Him or caught Him off guard...I don't think He planned it or caused it to happen. It happened as the result of a human error.....not because God willed it to happen. And, that is a hard thing to accept and work through......almost three years later and I am still trying to work through it....