I want to move forward....

I wrote a post a while back about some loyalty issues I had when it came to thinking of completely throwing myself into moving forward with my life. I'm letting go of those loyalty issues. I want to move forward more than I want to remain loyal. Let me say that again....I WANT to move forward MORE than I want to remain loyal. There is not a relationship anymore to remain loyal to....Brian no longer has my loyalty....he has my undying love and affection....but he no longer has my heart.

How does that work? I can only give my heart to people who are still alive....to my children, my family, my friends, etc. I can't allow someone who is no longer here to control my emotions or my ability to move forward.

This speaks nothing, absolutely nothing, of the love that I shared with Brian. But, it's over....and I need my heart back, I want my heart back....

It has taken some time to get to this point....I've had to work through some difficult thoughts and emotions....it has been a long process...one that hasn't been rushed or ignored or painless.....I've worked hard at it.....and now I am ready to work hard at moving forward....

I understand that this doesn't mean there will no longer be pain....or tears....or sadness....

I understand that there will still be times when it hurts....when I feel alone....when I wish things were different....


But, I also understand, I think, that this is a necessary part of the journey.....

It's the part of the journey when focus has to shift away from the past.....I want to move past defining my life in terms of my life before Brian died.....

I don't consider this an epiphany....just an acknowledgment of where I am headed....

I want to move forward.....