Change....

Today I turned in my suburban and got a Tahoe. Six months ago I tried to make a change in my automobile and the timing didn't seem to be right so I backed off. Nathan expressed quite a bit of emotion (he was genuinely upset that I was going to get rid of the car that daddy gave me) about getting rid of our Suburban. So, I decided to wait until he was ok with it. Looking back, I realize that the way in which I did it probably had more to do with it than the sentimental value. I didn't give him time to get used to the idea...I just showed up with a demo car and assumed he would be excited....not!

Last week when my dad was here he encouraged me to make a change in what I was driving. The mileage was just about to hit 100k and it seemed like it was now or never. He wasn't telling me what to do but he was affirming what I was thinking. The main point for getting a new car was that I am on my own...I don't have family to come rescue me if it breaks down...and, I am going back and forth to Fort Worth more since I am in school.....so, it is a decision driven mainly by practical issues.

So, I talked to the kids about it and everyone seemed on board with it. I specifically talked with Nathan about it, showed him what model I was looking at and told him why I thought it might be time to make a change.

He was fine with it. He was actually excited about it.

So, I did it today.

How does it feel? As usual, my feelings are all over the place.

There was some sadness when I handed over the keys because I knew I was giving up another piece of my life with Brian. I remember the night he surprised me with it. We had a date night and we went to eat at Olive Garden. We drove our "old" car to the restaurant and he had one of his employees make the switch while we were eating. I was stunned when I walked outside and couldn't find my car. Brian had this big grin on his face and said "I think this is your car right here".

There was some anxiety when I was signing the paperwork. Did I get the best deal? Am I going to regret this? Is this a good, solid decision?

There was excitement when I drove up to the school and the kids saw it for the first time.....I asked Nathan my "counselor" question....On a scale of one to ten how is it? He gave me a huge smile and a "10"....whew!

There was and is some guilt....I'd much rather have a husband than a new car....and, realistically, if he were still here I would probably still be driving my Suburban....because I would know that help was only a phone call away and we would be more apt to drive it until the wheels fell off.....case in point, the truck Brian was driving when he had his accident had 165k miles...

I also have a new appreciation for Brian. I now know what it feels like to have to make such a huge decision. I typically relied on him to make all those big decisions....and, sadly, if I thought he made the wrong decision I was sometimes critical. I guess I now "get" how hard his job was.

I had a few minutes alone with Nathan tonight and we had one of those "special" moments/conversations. If I printed all the details of the conversation it wouldn't mean much to anyone but me. Basically, I reminded him that we needed to be grateful for how hard daddy worked to provide for us. I told him that I was glad he was happy about the new car. However, I also reminded him that while I always want to consider his feelings when making big decisions that there might come a time when I had to make changes in our life that he didn't necessarily agree with. In other words, I reminded him that we can't keep everything the same forever....daddy wouldn't want that and that isn't what is best for us.....I even asked him what he would think if I ever wanted to sell our house....he wasn't too sure about that but I reassured him that wouldn't happen anytime soon....

What's the point of that conversation? I wanted to help him understand that life is about change. We can't always control how life changes....but, change can be a good thing. He hates change...as do I....and so maybe that conversation was just as much for me as it was for him. I don't want to give him the impression that we are going to spend the rest of our life trying to live the same life in the same house as we did when Brian was alive. The conversation ended with Nathan giving me the biggest bear hug I have ever gotten from him. He usually gives these little wimpy hugs that you have to beg him to give you. Tonight he initiated the hug and held on to me....wouldn't let go....really, he just wouldn't let go....then we started laughing and I tried to stand up and I almost tripped.....and then he asked me to carry him to bed....he didn't let go until I practically peeled him off of me.....completely out of character for him......I treasure those unexpected moments....moments that you don't plan or expect....but when they happen you recognize them as "special"...


Change....it's something I've got to work at.....but I see the benefit of change and I know that I have to embrace it.....