The Continual Pull

Right now I feel like I am continually pulled in different directions. In one corner is my job that I love. When I am at work I try to be totally at work. I am thankful that my focus has returned (a much needed thing) and most days I am extremely grateful for the job that I have.

On the other end is my family. My kids want me to be at home with them at night. I want to be with them at night. I am home with them every day after school. I am extremely grateful that I can do that.

Lately, I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt from both sides. I feel guilty that I can't give as much as some can at work. I feel uncertain what to do when I am asked to attend an event at night that will require me to get a babysitter or impose on a friend. I feel like I am not pulling my weight when I don't attend as many evening functions as others do. I don't want to be treated any differently and I don't expect special treatment. And so the guilt rages on....and the reality is that I am the only single parent on staff...and I also don't have any family in the area.....everyone else either doesn't have kids or has a spouse who can fill in the gap.

Yet, my kids need me at home. I feel like my calling as a parent takes precedence over my career's calling. There's also some guilt from my kids. They want me to come eat lunch at school with them or go on all the field trips or any of another million things they would like me to be at. I do my best to go to as many field trips as I can without taking too much time off from work. I find that I have to pick and choose and be very selective about what field trips I go on. For the most part, the kids are ok with that. I, on the other hand, feel guilty.

If Brian were still here much of this guilt would be manageable. He'd pick up the slack when I needed to be away at night. He and I would take turns going on field trips (which is what we did when he was alive). The two of us had a pretty good thing going and our family never suffered even though we both had careers.

Now........things are just different. I am not sure how to resolve the guilt. And, besides the guilt, I feel bad that there are times when I have no interest whatsoever in doing whatever it is that I have been asked to do. Instead of being excited about attending an event I feel burdened by it...and the whole time I am there I am thinking "I should be at home...my kids need me to tuck them in....or I wonder if they are getting their home work done.."

I am discouraged right now.....I am questioning myself a lot.....and I wonder if I have become more of a liability than an asset.....and that is something that is totally unacceptable for me....