Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving came and went with very little fanfare. I guess a "new normal" has emerged. The day was not emotionally charged like it had been the past two years. We made our visit to Brian's grave today and my emotions ignited for the first time in a long time. I drove away from there angry. I was angry that instead of being out shopping like a "normal" wife after Thanksgiving, I was visiting my dead husbands grave. I hate that. It's not supposed to be that way and I guess it still just makes me angry sometimes.

I spent part of Thanksgiving with my family and part of the day with Brian's family. I feel loved when I am at Brian's parents house but I am begining to feel more and more like an outsider. It isn't anything they do or any particular thing that has happened. They still treat me the same way they did when Brian was alive. I feel fortunate to have such an amicable relationship. However, I found myself feeling indifferent towards his two brothers and their wives and children. I am having a hard time wanting to invest myself in those relationships. I don't really feel all that great about how I am feeling. I feel sort of selfish and apathetic. Yet, the reality is that the only reason we have any type of relationship is now gone. Brian was our connecting point and without him I feel lost and uninterested.

When I went to bed last night I was feeling rather envious and down. I am envious of my brother and sister and the relationships they have with their spouses. I am envious of my parents because they have been married for 44 years. I am envious of my neices and nephews because they still have both of their parents to love them and raise them. I am envious. Pure and simple.

And, I am down. I'm down because I miss being married....and there just isn't a whole lot I can do about that....except to try to be thankful that I had what I had....and I am trying, really trying....but it just doesn't seem to be working.