The Picture Says It All....

Colorado.....2007.....

We're Here!!!

We made it to Colorado in one piece!

We spent today recovering from the trip and we found a great sledding hill nearby. As the camera operator I was bowled over by my youngest son while trying to take his picture.....I did a face plant in the snow but saved my nice camera. It happened so fast.. I am still not sure why I didn't see him coming at me so fast and furiously.

A few minutes later, Nathan challenged me to a section of the hill that had a ramp...big mistake....What goes UP must come DOWN....I landed square on my left cheek (not the cheek on my face)....OUCH!

An hour later, I am trying to clean out my car because of all the filth that was deposited there on our 13 hour roadtrip...I got out of the car and promptly did a Charlie Brown....I fell directly on the same cheek as I had just fallen on earlier....Double OUCH! It was a patch of ice and I landed on frozen solid snow....

I am going to be hurting in the morning...and we haven't even been skiing yet...

Christmas 2007

Christmas 2007 was a sweet time with my family and Brian's family. I am not sure I understand it, but,like everyone says, a new "normal" has emerged. There were no tears on Christmas day this year. No quick trips to the bedroom or bathroom to recover from the emotional distress. It was strange, but good.

I don't really "get" how I am feeling these days. For the most part, I feel better than I have ever felt before. How does that happen? I am thankful that the waters are calm but also a little confused by the sense of "peace" that I have about my life.

There is still a part of me that feels "bad" when I feel "good". I know in my head that this is a good thing....that we are moving forward...but my heart still has a few strings attached to Brian.

Not only that, but, I also feel weird when I have an opportunity to see good come out of this tragedy...it's like "how could I feel so fulfilled and at peace" when I see the "good" when the only reason I am seeing the "good" is because of something so tragic. The price was far too high and the pain so deep and personal...it seems as though the "good" is tainted....

I also find that God is stirring some new passions in my life about how I might continue to see Him bring beauty from the ashes. Every time I find myself in a situation where I am able to provide a part of my life to someone else who is hurting, I get more passionate about wanting to do that more....

I don't know where my life is headed....but I am at complete peace about it....except for the fact that I am at complete peace about it....it's a weird spot to be in....

This too shall pass...I am sure...

I am headed to Colorado tomorrow morning with my family to ring in the New Year. I am looking forward to some great times on the slopes with my kids....and I am certain that 2008 will find God faithful in my life and in yours...

Opportunities

The past few days I have had an opportunity to see how God can take the difficult things in my life that I have experienced and use what I have learned through those times to minister to others.

It's not important the details....but I feel a great sense of fulfillment and healing when I am able to comfort others with the same comfort that I have received.

I am not even sure how to put into words how I am feeling....but my gut tells me that God is continuing to reveal ways in which He wants to use me as I continue to heal and grow from my own hurts.

I'm at peace with my life right now...and I am thankful that God gives me opportunities like I have had the past few days.

Lexi's Christmas Card

Lexi brought home a Christmas card for me today that she had made at school. Here is how it read:

To: Mom
From: Lexi


"I love you mom alot and you love me and dad does too even when he is still in heaven. I love him still too. I hope that you like this card."

Lexi


Yep, sometimes Christmas makes me cry....

Just have to laugh sometimes....

Hmmmmm.......what is wrong with this picture?

I affectionately refer to Braden's feet as "Fred Flinstone feet". He wears a 13 1/2 Extra Wide shoe and that particular shoe is few and far between to find in any store. I finally found a website that carries Stride Rite shoes and ordered a pair of light up shoes for him on the internet. They arrived yesterday. He was so excited that....yes, he slept in them. That's a first, considering I can hardly get the boy to ever wear shoes outside or anywhere else for that matter.

You just have to laugh sometimes....

Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry

I am not sure if this is an old or new song but it has caught my attention this Christmas season. The lyrics are below:

"Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry"

I THINK OF LOVED ONES WHO’VE PASSED AWAY
AND I PRAY THEY’RE RESTING IN A BETTER PLACE
I THINK OF MEMORIES OF YEARS GONE BY
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF SOLDIERS ACROSS THE SEA
AND SOMETIMES I WONDER WHY IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF ME
THAT FOR MY FREEDOM THEY GIVE THEIR LIVES
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

TEARS OF THANKFULNESS
TEARS OF HOPE
I CRY TEARS OF JOY AT CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I KNOW
THERE IS PEACE ON EARTH FOR EVERY HEART TO FIND
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF FAMILY
I THINK OF HOME
AND SAY A PRAYER FOR THOSE WHO SPEND THIS TIME ALONE
‘CAUSE LOVE CAN REACH OUT INTO A SILENT NIGHT
AND THAT’S WHY CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY

I THINK OF A MARY AND A VIRGIN BIRTH
AND I’M AMAZED BY HOW MUCH GOD THINKS WE ARE WORTH
THAT HE WOULD SEND HIS ONLY SON TO DIE
AND SOMETIMES CHRISTMAS MAKES ME CRY


The chorus is powerful: "Tears of Thankfulness, Tears of Hope. I cry tears of Joy at Christmas because I know there is peace on earth for every heart to find...and sometimes Christmas makes me cry".

My heart has found peace this Christmas....and for that I am grateful.

Yep, there are still tears.....especially for my kids....but, mostly they are tears of hope and thankfulness....I'm thankful for what I had and hopeful about what God has in store for us in the future.....we are growing forward....and I can now look back and see the distance that has already been traveled....and if we can make it through what we have been through, I KNOW there are some sweet days ahead....

Eureka!!!!

I had a EUREKA! moment today! I have to give myself a virtual pat on the back....

But, first, a little background....

We have lived in our current house for five years. For the past five years I have been tormented, yes tormented, by rainstorms that happen while I am trying to sleep in my bedroom.

We had a gas fireplace put in our bedroom/bathroom when we built the house. Instead of building a chimney, there is a vent that goes off the side of the house. The fireplace is one of my favorite parts of the house. There is just nothing like turning it on in the morning and letting it warm up the room and bathroom in preparation for my morning shower.

But, I digress....

Anyways, every time it rains it makes a lot of noise and we never could figure out why. We assumed it was the vent on top of the roof. So, Brian climbed up there several times and tried many different ways of quieting the ping and pang of the rain. Nothing ever worked. So, anytime it rains in the middle of the night I end up on the couch because I can't sleep with the annoying pitter patter of the rain (it's terribly, terribly annoying).

However, today, I was out putting on the faucet covers (so they won't freeze) and it hit me....EUREKA!

It's not the vent ON the roof....it's the vent on the SIDE of the house......!!!!

So, I tried it...and what do you know? I was right......I now know what the problem is...and I am going to FIX IT (or get someone to)
!!!!!

Wooohooo.....I figured out something on my own....and now, I will soon be able to say good-bye to the couch on rainy nights......

Brian would be so proud.....he was a great fix-it man and so it amazes me that I figured out something that he didn't.....he risked life and limb climbing on the roof in the rain trying to diagnose the problem....

Ok...enough patting myself on the back....back to our regularly scheduled program....

My Christmas Angels

On Monday and Tuesday of this week I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I was running out of steam and still had a couple of big events to get through. I guess I became pretty grumpy and out of sorts. I found myself over-reacting to things that normally wouldn't have elicited such a response.

One of the main culprits of my stress was the Christmas party at my house last night that included about forty people from work. It was a progressive dinner and the main course was at my house. I enjoy having people in my home and I am always happy to try to be hospitable when the need arises. However, for some reason, this year it seemed like I had overcommitted myself and I was begining to wonder if I was going to be able to pull it off.

To make a long story short, I was reminded of God's grace and provision when two church members rang my doorbell at noon on Tuesday and declared themselves "the stress-busters" that I needed. They showed up just to help me get things ready for the party. I didn't ask them to come....they just came (one of them ran into me at church and I must have come across as pretty grumpy). Nevertheless, they were a huge blessing to me yesterday. They stayed the whole afternoon and made sure everything was ready. And, I laughed harder than I have in a long time as we swapped some tall tales and shared some funny stories. So, instead of mumbling under my breath the whole afternoon about how stressed I was, I got to spend some time with some sweet people. They came back just before the party started and made another big delivery for me. Simple acts of kindness are a clear reminder to me that God knows what I need, when I need it...and I felt like He sent me two Christmas angels yesterday...

It's the little things that mean the most to me.....and for that I am grateful...


One other thing.....I was really proud of my kids last night. They helped me serve at the party. They each had a job. Nathan filled the glasses with ice. Lexi carried around a big basket of bread to pass out. Braden made sure everyone got butter. All three of them passed out after dinner mints to each guest. They really did well. I was so proud of them because they were doing their very best to "serve" others. I thought I was going to kill them about five minutes before the guests arrived...but, once the doorbell started ringing they rose to the occassion.....yeah for them!!!

Music to my ears...

Nathan (my third grader) usually falls asleep reading each night. Lately, he has been getting more and more into reading. Tonight, I told him he could read one more chapter and then call it a night. He is reading "Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo". For him, this is a pretty challenging book and it is definitely stretching his reading ability. About an hour after I told him to read one more chapter I went in to check on him and he was sitting up straight in his bed reading away. I told him he needed to go to bed and he asked me "can't I finish this chapter...it only has 4 more pages".....

Those words were music to my ears....he is ENJOYING reading....Woooohooooo.....He doesn't want to put the book down.....WOOOHOOOO...

Like everyone else, I believe reading is the single most important ability to try to develop in your children. I am just glad that he is stretching himself and even enjoying it.

His question to stay up later was music to my ears....and of course I told him he could....

The Reason for the Season

Not to beat a dead horse....but I have been chewing on the whole "Blue Christmas Service" that I attended. I think it struck a chord with me because I have heard sermons all my life that instruct people to make sure they focus on the real reason for the season. I get that. I understand that. I agree with that.

However, I have also heard sermons that berated (in a pretty gentle way) anyone who allows issues in their life to overshadow the "real reason for the season". Is that really possible to deny the "stuff" that life brings our way for an entire season? Is it healthy to try so hard to "focus" on Christ during Christmas when life is pulling us apart emotionally?

I found myself feeling guilty the first year that Brian died when I didn't feel like celebrating "the reason for the season". I felt badly that at a church worship service I allowed my emotions to overtake me. I felt like I had failed at Christmas because I couldn't join in like I thought I was supposed to.

So maybe my expectations of myself were a little off....and maybe, just maybe, the church's expectations of people are a little off too......

But, what really matters...is the question "what does God expect of us at Christmas"? Does He expect us to deny the pain...to pretend that we are ok when we really aren't? Does He want us to berate believers who aren't "in the spirit"? What does God want?

I think God wants us as we are....where we are....for who we are. Jesus' birth happened in less than ideal circumstances. God didn't orchestrate a picture perfect entry into this world for His own Son. Think about it. Christmas has always been permeated by the sinful, fallen nature of the world we live in. Not even Bethlehem could produce a perfect night....without challenges and frustration....hello, can you imagine giving birth in a barn? Not an ideal circumstance.

Yet, God is able to take the "Bethlehem" of our life and make something beautiful out of it. God isn't bothered by the "stuff" that is in our barn...be it grief or greed or materialism or sadness or misplaced priorities or disappointments or failures.....He just wants us to let Him in....He doesn't have to be the star of the show.....He just wants us to let him in.....regardless of the smell and stench of our humanity.

The reason for the season may not be just about "celebration"....maybe it is supposed to be about "redemption" and "reconciliation" and "mercy" and "forgiveness"....maybe it's more about God meeting us in our Bethlehem and providing hope that His work in and through us is never really complete.

There may be another second edition later....just some random thoughts that still need some fleshing out.

A Blue Christmas...(second edition)

Last night I attended a "Blue Christmas Service" at a Methodist church in Fort Worth. I went by myself hoping to engage in a meaningful worship experience that would acknowledge the pain of the holidays for those who are still grieving the loss of a loved one. Up until this year I had not heard of such a service. Every Christmas service that I had ever attended was completely focused upon the joy of Christmas. Because of my life experience, I now understand that while there is a lot of joy at Christmas there is also a lot of undeniable pain.

I found the service to be extremely meaningful and well done. If nothing else, it acknowledged the difficult emotions and validated the sorrow that we all feel when we are facing the holidays without the people we most want to share them with. I don't think we do a very good job of giving people permission to grieve at Christmas. We tend to shove down their throat the "hope and joy of Christmas". To be sure, there is a lot of hope and joy that should be celebrated at Christmas. However, to deny the sorrow is less than appropriate.

So, like many things in my life and experience, I realize that "balance" is the key. Obviously, Christmas isn't meant to be about "loss". I am not suggesting that all people need to find a balance. Clearly, for many people it isn't even an issue. Yet, for some, Christmas is an "in your face" reminder that life has changed and loss has done its damage.

I remember the first Christmas without Brian. Our church, like most, had a beautiful service that celebrated the birth of Jesus and showcased the gifts and talents of our congregation. I was caught off guard when "I'll be Home for Christmas" was sung and I thought I was going to completely lose it. I didn't go to that service expecting to feel such deep pain and sadness. But, it happened and it was one of the most difficult services I have ever sat through. I don't begrudge anyone for that and I certainly do not think there was anything inappropriate about the service. It was beautifully done. It honored Christ.

The point....is that Christmas tends to magnify our losses. I don't feel it was unspiritual of myself to be affected by a song. I think it was "human" of me. Likewise, I don't think God expects us to deny the sorrow. Rather, I think God asks us to bring Him our sorrow. And, in bringing Him our sorrow, we find His glorious presence.

Last night, this particular church invited us to bring our sorrow to God. There was no shame in it. There was nothing "unspiritual" about it. And, I saw people doing just that.....and I believe it honored God....


For me personally, I am glad that I had a chance, in a formal way, to acknowledge the sadness I still feel as I approach Christmas.....because, truthfully, it still hurts and I still miss him....and that's ok. And, in some odd way, I think giving myself permission to still feel his loss has freed me to continue to work on fully embracing the Joy of Christmas. I found some balance already this year....and for that, I am grateful.

My prayer

I have a new prayer. It's pretty simple....

God,

Help me to want what you know I need....and help me
to be thankful that you always provide what I "need".

The end.


I find myself wanting a lot of things lately. I need God to shape my "wants" so that my "wants" are actually what He already knows that I need...and is ready to provide.

For example, I "want" to be married (to Brian preferably...if that were possible)....I miss being married....I hate being a "single mom"....but the reality is that my "wants" may not be what I or my kids "need"....only God knows that.....so, I think if I try to focus myself on only "wanting" what I trust that God knows that I "need" then maybe I will be content.

It makes sense to me....maybe to no one else....but it works for me.

Thanksgiving 2007

Thanksgiving came and went with very little fanfare. I guess a "new normal" has emerged. The day was not emotionally charged like it had been the past two years. We made our visit to Brian's grave today and my emotions ignited for the first time in a long time. I drove away from there angry. I was angry that instead of being out shopping like a "normal" wife after Thanksgiving, I was visiting my dead husbands grave. I hate that. It's not supposed to be that way and I guess it still just makes me angry sometimes.

I spent part of Thanksgiving with my family and part of the day with Brian's family. I feel loved when I am at Brian's parents house but I am begining to feel more and more like an outsider. It isn't anything they do or any particular thing that has happened. They still treat me the same way they did when Brian was alive. I feel fortunate to have such an amicable relationship. However, I found myself feeling indifferent towards his two brothers and their wives and children. I am having a hard time wanting to invest myself in those relationships. I don't really feel all that great about how I am feeling. I feel sort of selfish and apathetic. Yet, the reality is that the only reason we have any type of relationship is now gone. Brian was our connecting point and without him I feel lost and uninterested.

When I went to bed last night I was feeling rather envious and down. I am envious of my brother and sister and the relationships they have with their spouses. I am envious of my parents because they have been married for 44 years. I am envious of my neices and nephews because they still have both of their parents to love them and raise them. I am envious. Pure and simple.

And, I am down. I'm down because I miss being married....and there just isn't a whole lot I can do about that....except to try to be thankful that I had what I had....and I am trying, really trying....but it just doesn't seem to be working.

What I know For Sure....

I have several blogs that I read on a daily basis. One of them is written by Marsha, a young widow from Illinois. I came across her blog via the "Young Widow Bulletin Board" that I used to spend a lot of time reading and benefiting from the experiences of other young widows. She wrote a post a few weeks ago in which she listed the things that she "knows for sure". Her post came out of a sermon that she heard where her pastor encouraged the congregation not to let the things that you don't know get in the way of what you do know. In other words, instead of focusing all your energy on trying to understand what is unknowable, remember what you do know and let those things guide you.

So, I read her blog and was very moved by it. She challenged her readers to list what they do know for sure....so here is mine....

1. My children are a gift and I cherish them. Our family is different than what I had imagined it would be. But, we are one great family. I am proud of who we are. I am proud of my kids.

2. God has been faithful to me in and through all things. His character is knowable. His love has been experienced. His comfort has been given. I am grateful....truly grateful for who He is.

3. My mom and dad are also gifts. Their support during the past 2 1/2 years has been amazing. My mom has come and stayed with me and helped me through busy times. My dad took on the two businesses that Brian left behind and has helped me deal with more issues than I ever knew I could or would have. I am eternally indebted to them.

4. The local church that I am a part of has been Jesus to us to the point that I also feel eternally indebted to them. Simple acts of kindness by dozens and dozens of people have shown my kids what Jesus would look like with skin on....I can't imagine going through this without their support and love.

5. Life is what it is.....and death is what it is. They mystery is no longer there....the reality of both has changed me.

6. I loved being loved.....and I miss that....but I am grateful to have experienced the unconditional love that Brian gave me....truly grateful....truly, truly grateful.

7. God has been able to bring good out of the tragedy I experienced. It doesn't mean that what happened is good....it just means that God is able to bring beauty out of the ashes....I have seen it firsthand.....I believe in the goodness of God.....

8. God desires for me to continue to grow forward....He understands my need to glance in the rearview mirror...Yet, He continually calls me to keep my eyes focused straight ahead....

9. I believe with all my heart that we are going to be more than just ok.....we have made it through some incredibly difficult days....and we are still smiling....still laughing.....still making memories.....and I look forward to the future...with great anticipation of what God will do with our lives.....


I am grateful for the things "I know for sure"....because it is these things that get me through those days when the "unknowable stuff" overwhelms me....

Loving Life

No words....the pictures say it all....


Grateful for my kids....

The "dew" in my life....

It seems as though God has been speaking right to me every time I go to church or listen to a sermon online or talk with someone about spiritual things. This past Sunday, my pastor talked about Gideon. I was struck by how patient God was with Gideon and how involved God was in the whole process of Gideons victory over the Midianites. I have questioned whether or not God is involved in the little details of our lives since Brian's death. I have considered an option that would put God more at a distance with us....and Gideon's story has given me pause for thought.

I ended up at this point because it would seem to me that if God is interested in the little details of our lives then surely He wouldn't choose to be uninvolved in the accident that took Brian's life. In other words, if He really isn't all that involved and doesn't really care whether we get a close parking place or not or whatever other silly things we sometimes pray when we are in a hurry or behind a deadline....then that makes it more ok that it appears that He wasn't involved enough in Brian's life to prevent the accident.


But....the story of Gideon seems to indicate to me that God is at least willing to be involved in the the "dew" of our lives (See Judges 6)...Gideon basically asked God to give him signs to help Him know how to be obedient....or to be able to trust His commands....over and over again....God did things just for Gideon...just so he'd know that he was on the right track....and Gideon experienced victory....in a most unorthodox way....

What did that say to me? God is patient with us when we are uncertain what He wants us to do. God is willing and able to intervene in our lives and provide confirmations of His will....God apparently understands that it is hard for me be certain of His direction for my life....God has given me some "dew" lately.....Instead of questioning it, I should embrace it....and just "do" it.....

His voice

Last night Braden asked me "what did daddy's voice sound like?"

Sigh......


I told him we would watch some videos of him so he could remember......


Sometimes I think about that too....and I notice that some of those memories are fading....his voice, his touch....

Just a reminder that grief is an ongoing process for my kids...especially Braden.....

I'm in....

I had my interview today....I guess it went well because I have been accepted into the program.

I should be excited and thrilled...and I mostly am....

But....

I was asked this question and it is still bothering me...."You are a single parent and a full-time employee, tell me what your thought process is about how you will be able to manage being a student as well"......

I expected some type of reference to the fact that I am raising three kids on my own....but I didn't expect to be called a single parent. When people refer to people as "single parents" it usually isn't a compliment...there is this insinuation that a single parent is a second class parent.

It bothered me....it was a little bit of a slap in the face of reality....some people do consider me a second class parent I guess.....

It's not by my choice that I fall into that category.....I never meant to end up being a "single parent"....I prefer the term "only parent".....


Again, I expected some type of reference to it...I thought it would be in reference to my widow status...not my status as a parent....

I don't think it was meant to be an offensive way to ask me what I considered to be a fair question....and it wasn't asked in a derogatory tone...it was very matter of fact.....and more than anything, it bothers me that it bothers me....why should it bother me.....that is what I am.....I guess...

Conflicting emotions right now....excitement about the door that is open......frustration that I have a status that I never wanted.....


But....I'm in....and now the real work begins....

Interesting Day

I managed to sneak into the morning service and hear most of the sermon today. It was about faith and how once we become convicted that we are to do something that we trust God with the outcome. It hit home with me because I have been struggling so much with knowing how to rebuild my life and what it should look like. There are very few things that I am certain about any more and I find myself questioning and analyzing myself to death. I left there realizing that faith is a sort of partnership. God does what only He can do and He expects me to do what He asks me to do. In other words, we both have a stake in it.....and there are things that God wants to do in my life but he is waiting for me to submit my life to his will and purposes. The hard part for me is knowing exactly what it is that He has asked me to do. I tend to look at obedience as though it were the very small part of the target and I am expected to hit a bullseye in order to be in His will. I am learning that obedience isn't so much about the bullseye as it is about focusing my life on finding God's purpose for my life....the big picture....


And so....after I had heard that sermon....I went away from it thinking to myself..."ok God, you do what only you can do and I commit to doing my part...whatever that is...I want to do it".....

And then.....I went shopping.....I needed a new outfit for the interview I have on Friday with the PhD committee....I went on Friday and Saturday and had no luck....so out of desparation I enlisted a friend to go with me because I have no fashion sense whatsoever.....and so we went this afternoon.....

Much to my delight and surprise we found everything we needed at one store....we were finishing up in the lingerie department at Macy's where I got some hose and a camisole......just a side note, I have never been real comfortable in the lingerie section.....I don't know why, but I always hope I don't run in to someone I know....it's just the way I am....

And here is where the story gets interesting......

As I am paying (in the lingerie section), down the aisle walks Dr. M. (she is the professor who is recommending me on Friday to the committee). I had a brief moment of indecision....I didn't know whether to pretend like I didn't see her and turn where she wouldn't recognize me...or to just go ahead and say hello.

I chose to wave and say hello to her....

She came over and we had the nicest conversation in the lingerie department in Macy's...just five days before my big interview.....what are the chances of that? She was very affirming....supportive and encouraging about my upcoming interview.....she complimented the paper I had written for the application and said some things I wasn't expecting to hear.....

So...what is that about? I really don't know.....but I think maybe God has a pretty good sense of humor.....

There is a part of me that feels like our chance meeting was a divine appointment....because her affirmation provided me with a little bit more confidence about myself and about God's direction for my life.....and I can always use a little of that.....

For an interesting day like today....I am grateful.....

Kids are always thinking....

I was reminded this week that my kids are continuing to try to process what has happened in our family. Braden, who is four, has been very engaged lately in trying to understand why his daddy died. On the way home from church Wednesday night he asked me "what does adopted mean"? I told him that sometimes when a child doesn't have a mommy or daddy that a family will choose to make that child part of their family. He asked more questions....I continued to answer them....then he said "why doesn't God give me a new daddy?"

Braden is just trying to figure it all out....his questions are difficult to answer....and many times his questions create a whole new set of issues to try to talk through with my kids....

I won't go into my long explanation about why God doesn't give him a new daddy.....but the night ended with me laying in bed with my oldest, Nathan, reassuring him that if anything happened to me that he would be taken care of and that he wouldn't go to an orphanage (because that is where Lexi thought kids went if their parents died)....blah, blah, blah....I told him nothing was going to happen to me so he didn't need to worry about that.....I told him I planned to play with the grandkids he was going to give me some day....he just giggled...

I know that I can't guarantee that nothing will happen to me....but I also don't want to encourage worry or concern....I told him that we don't know what will happen in our lifetime but that we just had to live one day at a time.

I never dreamed I would be having these types of conversations with my kids.....and I do sometimes worry about how my kids would do if something happened to me....but I can't and don't let it consume me...

Braden also asked me how old daddy was when he died....and then he wanted to know how old I was.....he's trying so hard to understand it.....

.....me too....me too....

All in a day's work...

I almost had to call the fire department tonight. I was cooking hamburgers on my new grill and it got out of control....flames everywhere.....I didn't know what to do.....had a few minutes of excitement before I ran and got the hose and shot the flames down from a distance. After it was all over I felt sort of foolish....I shouldn't have let it get out of hand....but it happened so fast....and I was MOST annoyed that my brand new grill was seemingly going up in flames....

I just THOUGHT I had become a great griller.....guess I still have a few things to learn.....but, hey, my neighbor told me exactly what to do if it happened again....and he SAYS that my grill will be ok....I guess my project for tomorrow is to try to clean off the soot from the fire that burned the you know what out of those burgers....

The burgers were like brilo pads when it was all said and done....what a waste of 15.00 worth of meat......

Note to self....don't buy Kroger brand hamburger meat that doesn't tell whether it is lean or fatty.....apparently the product had a little to do with the problem...as well as the cook....

Sometimes life is all about putting out the fires.....I seem to run from one fire to the next.....to the next...to the next.....all in a day's work....

Losing Perspective

Its happened again.....I have lost perspective...I have allowed myself to get so focused on fear that I have lost the big picture.

The circumstances of my life right now shouldn't dictate how I respond or react....circumstances shouldn't have so much control over my outlook....

I am beyond frustrated with having to wear a hat that doesn't fit me.....I am letting it get to me....

I just want to be a mom, an employee and maybe a student........not a business person, a landlord, a general contractor, a dad, etc.....etc...

I am not a good landlord.....I am not an entrepreneur.....and the last thing in the world that I should be doing is trying to make decisions about what kind of drainage system I need to solve some of the issues I am having at the commercial property....

I don't like the games....I don't like trying to figure dishonest people out.....I don't like trying to chase down people to do the things they said they would do.....I don't like bugging my CPA to PLEASE try to get my taxes done by the deadline....

I just want to be responsible for me and my three children......

Is that too much to ask......

I've lost perspective......

The interesting thing is that I know better.....I know better than to let this happen.....I know that perspective is something I can control and yet I am allowing others to control my perspective.....

Reminds me of Paul......I know better...yet I allow it to happen...and participate in it......

Perspective begins with an acknowledgement that God is painting on a canvas larger than we can see or imagine.....I think Louie Giglio said something like that in a sermon I recently watched on the internet.....trust is essential....

I'm a work in progress....

Fear of Loss

For me, life has become a lot about fear of loss. I find that many of my fears are related to losing something....and fear has been driving many of my decisions lately. I fear not being able to take care of my kids the way I think they should be taken care of....I fear making the wrong decisions about my career or education because I know they will impact my kids....I fear losing the financial security that I feel like I need in order not to be afraid of my future....I fear failing at work or home or school....I fear not being able to take care of myself when I am old....is that stupid or what? It's not like Brian and I had our future all mapped out...things were going well but we had our share of bumps and bruises along the way.....but I wasn't afraid...not like I am now....

If I let it, fear holds me captive....it erodes my confidence....it causes me to retreat and want to hunker down and protect what I have and risk nothing.....

I fear change......I hate taking risks.....I am afraid I will mess the rest of my life up....and my kids.....

Maybe I have shifted into a defensive mode.....just trying to protect who we are and what we have.....instead of welcoming the new opportunities that may come our way...and being thankful for the blessings of life that we do have.....

Fear of loss....it has a strong grip on my right now.....

The rollercoaster of life is wearing me down.....I'm trying to wear hats that don't fit.....and I am ashamed that I am letting difficult people rock my world.....

I am so tired of wearing hats that don't fit.....hats that Brian wore so well and so easily just don't fit me...........

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.....absolutely nothing.....there are things in my life that I have no control over....and those things are eating me up right now....

I need to get a grip.......Hi, my name is Shelly and I am afraid of my future.....

.......arghhhhh.......this isn't what I signed up for.....

Where do I get a refund?

Nothing is Simple

I realized yesterday that even though I may be ready to make some changes in my life it really isn't that simple.

My vehicle has 87,00 miles on it. It makes sense to me to consider getting a different one before this one hits 100,000 and the value goes too low. I made some phone calls and had a plan for a different vehicle. I showed up at school to pick my kids up test-driving the new vehicle. Lexi was elated and Nathan began to cry.

It was hardly the reaction I was hoping for. I thought the kids would be excited....not so much. Nathan had quite a few tears over it and when it was all said and done I decided to back off and hold off on making the change. I realize that I am the parent and that I have to make the decisions that are in the best interest of our family....and I understand that at some point I WILL have to make a change....but, I do want to take his feelings into consideration....and if I do that then it makes sense for me to wait a little longer to give him time to get used to the idea.

It got me to thinking about "change".....I believe that I am ready to make some changes in my life....I was actually pretty pumped about this decision....it's one of many decisions that I will need to make over the next few years as our needs change and as things wear out....it made me realize that I need to address "change" with Nathan....things can't stay the same forever...and he has to learn to be a little more adaptable and open to new things....on a side note, Nathan is a very compliant child who rarely ever bucks my decisions....which is what made me want to take a step back from the deal....because he usually is not so emotional about things....and trying to figure out exactly what is going on inside his head is proving to be elusive.....there is a small part of this that I believe is tied to the fact that his dad purchased this car for me as a surprise...and that was a really cool thing.....but I don't think his reaction is just about that....I think it is a combination of things.....

I guess you could say I am mildly disappointed about the whole ordeal.....and maybe reality has given me pause for discouragement....it's like now that I want to make some changes I can't....because I guess maybe my kids aren't as ready for change as I am....and that is discouraging....because nothing is simple anymore...or so it seems....

Then again....it's just a vehicle....and I can be patient for the right time.....I just want change to be simple....and it isn't....

Spiritual Focus

For the past few days I have felt more spiritually focused than I have been in a long while. It's hard to put my finger on when it began to happen but some growth is occuring. I am finding that my personal devotion time is more meaningful than it has been in a long time.

There is a thirst for God that has been missing for a while.

I have heard several sermons lately that have touched me deeply.....

I am seeing things more clearly.....

I have felt a heavy conviction that my spiritual focus has been almost non-existent for the last few months.

It's been subtle....but my lack of focus has impacted how I am able to live out God's purpose for my life....

God's purpose for my life.....I need to be focused on that again.....I need to be passionate about it.....


My life needs to be less about me....less about the past.....and more about loving and serving the God who loves me....

God, help me to find my focus again......

Thoughts

It's been a better week. I believe God has provided some affirmations for me through various people. I am thankful when I can recognize those affirmations and accept them.

My oldest son brought home his TAKS benchmark scores and his scores were terrific. I am proud of him because it wasn't too long ago that I worried about his reading and whether he would ever hit his stride. More than pride though is a huge sense of relief. He is doing well. He is doing more than just ok.....huge relief......super huge relief........monumental relief....he's learning to work hard and right now, he is enjoying the fruits of his hard work.

I got started reading the Message Bible because of the contemporary language it uses....when I read it things seem to connect with me better than any other translation. One particular passage that I came across this week was:

Psalm 19:7-9

"The revelation of God is whole and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are always right, showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four carat gold, with a lifetime guarantee.
The decisions of God are accurate down to the nth degree."

When I read this passage this week I realized that God's plan for my life isn't supposed to be a huge mystery. I tend to try to make things way too complicated. God knows my heart. He knows my desires. He has gifted me and prepared me for the things He wants me to do. All I really have to do is keep my relationship with Him open....if I will just earnestly seek after Him, everything will be clear....and I will begin to see His hand in my life as He works all things together for God......


So, I need to put more emphasis on seeking after Him.....and less emphasis on worrying about whether I am going to make the wrong choice....this passage indicates that it will be pretty clear what I am supposed to do.....it doesn't mean that it will be easy....or comfortable.....but it should be pretty obvious....


It's been a good week....for that I am grateful...

Add some more to the list of things I've learned....

A while back I wrote a blog about all the things that I have learned since Brian died. It was fun to look back and see all that I had been forced to learn to do....many of the things I think Brian would have found quite humorous.

Well, a few more adventures later and there are still things to add to the list.....Yesterday's trip with the kids to Mineral Wells State Park taught me these things....

1. Never allow your son to toss you the car keys when you are in a boat in the lake. The ramifications are HUGE! Keys don't float.
2. Always carry a BIG magnet on a string for such said adventures on the lake.
3. Never try to answer your cell phone while trying to keep two small paddleboats attached to the dock while four kids are trying to maneuver from one boat to the other.
4. Sometimes the best cure for being down in the dumps is to get out and explore God's creation with your kids.
5. A Saturday spent at a state park is sure to create some great family memories!


We definitely made some good memories this weekend. It was good to get out of the house and it was worth the effort it took to make it happen.

I think we will be going back soon....there are more rocks to climb and frogs to chase....

For this weekend I am grateful.....

Our Big Adventure

Made some memories today......

Climbed on some BIG rocks.....



Dropped my keys in the lake.....gracias to the senor who got them out.....


Enjoyed watching my kids be kids....

More later...

Small Steps

Today I got word that my tenant in the commercial property I own is going to sign another two year lease. I am relieved about it but also wish he would have exercised his option to purchase it. I'd love to get rid of it and not have the stress and strain of being a landlord. The building has tons of memories tied to it. Brian would be pleased that it is helping to provide for our future and that the value has continued to increase. He would probably be disappointed if I sold it. But, honestly, I think it would be terrific if I could sell it and be done with it. This is a part of Brian that I'd like to put in the past. I don't enjoy being a landlord and it can be a stressful role to have to play.

It would be very freeing to let it go.....but that isn't an option for another two years.....

Tonight I was out in the neighborhood and the real estate agent that Brian always used pulled over and asked me if I or anyone on my street might want to sell their house. She had a client who liked our street and wanted to buy in our area. I told her I didn't know anyone.....but part of me was thinking that maybe I should let them look at my house....I don't really want to move but it is beginning to feel like this house keeps me from completely moving on with my life. It isn't painful to live here....it's a great house....my kids love it....incredible neighbors....but I am starting to feel a little trapped by it. It is hard to explain....but something about it is beginning to bother me....

I think it goes back to that feeling of being stuck....wanting to move forward but still feeling a little trapped by the past....

Someone asked me out of the blue yesterday if I had dated anyone since Brian died. I almost fell out of my chair when this person asked me. First of all, I wasn't expecting that question.....and secondly, I thought to myself "are you kidding...who would want to date me? I have 3 small children...that's enough to scare the wrong person away immediately...." I walked away from that conversation wondering what would posses this person to ask me that question in such a non-chalant way....as if this person really thought I might be dating.....I am still scratching my head about that one.....however, after I choked on my food to figure out how to answer the question I said "no...haven't dated anyone........long pause......I am not sure that would be best for my kids......another long pause.......but I am open to it....only if it were the right person....." It was weird saying that out loud...and very uncomfortable......and then somewhat discouraging because it was almost as if this person thought I would be out each weekend having a great time.....NOT.....nothing could be further from the truth......my life is my kids......and I am ok with that.....I guess....it was just a reminder that everyone looks at life through different glasses.....sometimes what others see and what we see and experience are two totally different realities...just interesting to me..... (by the way, I have several widow friends who have been able to date and remarry rather quickly....this blog is not meant to imply that the way I feel is the right way to feel or anything like that....every person is different and every person's grief journey is different....I get that...and I respect that)

It's been a weird few days....and maybe I am just realizing that I need to look at taking some small steps to try to get unstuck.....I'm a creature of habit and change is hard for me.....but something has gotten stirred up in me lately and I need to figure out how to deal with it.....


It's like I have been given this 15,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with no box to show what I am working towards.....so I just plug along....piece by piece....wondering what the heck the picture is going to end up looking like.....thinking to myself how desparately I would love to have that boxtop to show me how the pieces will eventually fit together...if nothing else, seeing the end result would give me hope and inspiration to finish the puzzle.......right now, I'd like to just quit.....because I can't for the life of me figure out what my life is going to end up looking like....and that frustrates the heck out of me......and I guess I wonder if it is all going to be worth the effort.....


Small steps....little pieces.....eventually the big picture will emerge....

Doubt

It's been a busy past few days. My house has been like a revolving door with company coming and going. I am worn out from trying to entertain my family and Brian's family. We had some good times but it has been a little too fast paced for me.

The past two and half days I have been at home with a sick child. I have been in a funk since Monday when my folks left. It's been a little different than one of my "usual" funks. This one has been deeper and darker. I would almost call it being depressed. But, in the clinical sense, that wouldn't fit. I have not had all the symptoms of depression and even the ones I have had have not been around for very long. Nevertheless, I am just in a funk.

I went to get something to eat by myself last night and I found myself on the verge of tears just driving to the restaraunt. No particular reason...just discouraged....mainly about my youngest child.....and it was just getting to me....I found myself doubting my parenting skills.....doubting my ability to raise three kids on my own.....doubt, doubt, doubt.

I ran into a church member who sat down and ate with me. The conversation was encouraging and uplifting.....there was mutual frustration and struggle in the parenting arena....I came away from the conversation feeling a little more at peace with myself....knowing that I am not the only one who wonders what kind of job I am doing parenting.....

But...still in a funk...still doubting what God has in store for me.....I am weary.....weary of being optimistic.....weary of being "strong".....

I am trying to fight my way out of the funk.....but the heaviness is difficult.....I just want to know that everything is going to be ok....that my kids are going to do well in life....that they will meet their potential....and that somewhere down the road, things are going to get easier....but I have my doubts....and I think I must be crazy to think I can go back to school.....I am doubting that big-time.......

I just don't know what to do......and the doubts are getting the best of me...

I heard part of the sermon on Sunday and it was about how sometimes we just have to go in a general direction that we think God is leading us....and trust that we won't go wrong if we are just trying our best to obey and seek Him.....I am going in the general direction of school.....and I am wanting to be obedient....but I just don't know if I can do it....if my family will suffer then I don't want to do it.....I am doubting my ability to know whether or not I am supposed to do it.....if I had to make a decision today I would have to say that I am not sure it would be in the best interest of my family.....next week, when I am out of this funk, I might feel differently.....I am conflicted and confused about it.....

Then I think why in the world would I want to add any more stress to my life.....heck, why not just pack it up and move back to Oklahoma where my family can help me raise my kids......but that isn't really what I want either...I don't think....more doubt....

Doubt.....discouragement....depression......

Things will look better in the morning.....for that I am grateful....

A better day...

Today was a better day in my parenting world....

That's all....


Just wanted to note "a better day"....

Discouragement

Discouragement: "The feeling of despair in the face of obstacles"

Yep, I guess I am a little discouraged.

I look at my life and the amount of work that is involved in keeping three kids fed, bathed, clothed, educated, entertained, disciplined and encouraged, and it tends to get a little discouraging. I don't know why but lately I have been feeling overwhelmed at the thought of keeping this kind of pace for the rest of my life.

Every day is a battle. My youngest is strong-willed and he is wearing me down. I feel like I take a beating from him every day. It is all I can do to stay in the ring with him and go head to head. He is relentless and I am weary from it.

My older two are responding well to my request for us to work together as a team so that we can function well as a family. I see signs of progress and hope. They have the desire to want to try do the right thing and keep the peace in our family....but they are only kids....and they can only do so much.....but they are at least trying...and for that I am grateful....

I found one definiton of discouragement that described it this way: "Discouragement is dissatisfaction with the past, distaste for the present and distrust of the future". Pretty dismal defintion....somewhat convicting....sounds a little whiney....but I could identify....especially with the "distrust of the future".....

I don't plan to stay camped out with discouragement....I have to work through it.....but it's where I am at right now....it's this subtle underlying layer of doubt that oozes into my emotions and clouds my perspective....doubt that life will ever be as sweet as it was with Brian.....doubt that God has a better chapter ahead.....doubt that I will ever find God's purpose for my life.....

The obstacles are in full view.....they look pretty intimidating........it would be dishonest to say that I am certain I will overcome them.....I'm just not sure.........

Yet, if the past is any indication of the future....I will have to deal with them the same way you eat an elephant......one bite at a time.....one lousy bite at a time.....

Letting go of the why....

There are parts of me that have let go of the "why" question. Intellectually, I know that I will never know "why" Brian died at 35 years of age. Spiritually, I am at peace with not being able to understand the "why". Emotionally, I have begun to distance myself from the "why". However, personally, I still struggle with the "why".

I have been watching the real estate market go down the tubes lately. Just yesterday a friend of Brian's told me that the man who got Brian into building homes may be faced with filing bankruptcy. He took a few too many risks and is feeling the effects of the housing meltdown in our economy.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that if Brian were still building homes we would very likely be struggling right now. Brian had no qualms about going out on a limb and taking risks. When he died he was on his way to a house that he was building that was listed for over 500k. Now, homes in that neighborhood are being foreclosed on because builders overbuilt the area and didn't see the real estate crisis coming.

What I can't wrap my mind around is how God works. Is it possible that God was actually protecting Brian from things that we can't ever fully understand? Or, is it just that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and his death allowed him not to have to go through a tough time in his career? I don't know.....because I can't wrap my mind around it....

Yes, to be honest, I am thankful that I don't have the stress of a bankruptcy to deal with. However, I would have done anything to keep our marriage alive....yet, I wonder.....where would we be right now? What would we be dealing with? There is no way to impose the future into my thoughts accurately....too many variables that can't be accounted for....only speculation....biased speculation...

As much as I want to, it's still so hard to completely let go of the "why".....it creeps back in unexpectedly.....wreaking havoc with my thoughts....knocking me off balance as I desparately try to make sense of how I ended up a single mom with three children to raise on my own.....yet, making sense of it wouldn't change the reality I live in.....what's done is done....no going back....

It causes me to wonder what the rest of my life holds....is this it for me? Yet, I am so grateful for the many blessings in my life......friends, family, a good job that I enjoy.....rich memories of our love.....a new found confidence in my ability to survive and thrive again.....there are many things to choose to be thankful for.....

but...the loneliness is there too...............oh the loneliness.....it never leaves......

I want to let the "why" go.....and sometimes I think I have....but apparently I haven't....

Parenting.....ugh!

Today was not my best day as a parent. I am tired of doing it alone and it showed. I was grumpy and impatient with my kids all day. They also did not have their finest day.....they pushed the limits all day long....so, I redrew the boundaries for them tonight. I saw a little improvement after the "pow-wow" but the realization that I am in this by myself was a little overwhelming today.

That's all....just tired of it....a good night's rest will do wonders I am sure...

I just wish I could get a small glimpse of how all this effort is going to someday pay off......it is hard to keep plugging along and working my tail off just to keep all the plates spinning...there are no guarantees in parenting...and that sucks!


ugh....I need a vacation....from parenting....

Just can't do it...

I started a project a week or so ago that I am going to put on hold for a while. I thought I wanted to write my account of what happened when Brian died. I wanted to do it and thought it would be helpful to me and to my kids. I wrote a couple of entries...but I can't seem to find it in me to write some more. For one thing, I went back and re-read them and they don't have much flow to them....there is a disconnect somewhere.....it's all facts....no feelings....well, maybe a little bit in the first post....but the second post is like a robotic recanting of what happened.....I can't completely go there.....I can't completely open myself up and talk about what that day was like.....or maybe it is that I don't WANT to go there.....not really.....

Initially, I thought it was because it was just too painful.....and that is definitely part of it.....the wounds have healed and I don't want to open them back up......

However, the more I have thought about it I think it goes beyond that.....I am TIRED of talking about grief....I am TIRED of being so focused on this journey.....

I am wanting to choose to quit looking at my life through grief-colored glasses....(I know that was corny but it is an accurate analogy).....I don't want Brian's death to continue to be the defining moment of my life....not any more.....

Having said that....I recognize that Brian's death HAS indeed been a defining moment.....I get that.....I am, for the most part, very proud of how much growth has occured in my life over the past two years....(this isn't meant to be a virtual pat on the back...it's a fact...I have been forced to grow in ways that never would have happened without his death)

But the truth of the matter is that I now feel stuck.....I am tired of going back to the past and measuring everything in my life by what changed on June 16, 20005......but I am also not exactly sure how to move further into my future....the future that doesn't include Brian....I can see where I am headed....and I am motivated to go there....but it feels disloyal....it feels like I am abandoning the love that we shared.....to move forward feels like it is devaluing Brian and the relationship that we had.....

I think that is why it was so important for me to include Brian's parents in his birthday celebration.....I wanted to take the opportunity to show them how much I still loved him.....because there is a part of me that fears that as they continue to watch me rebuild my life that they will be disappointed in me if I don't spend the rest of my life looking in my rear-view mirror....

.....our relationship is over......and I have to be ok with that....and I guess I am....sort of....

I need to get unstuck......

But, I don't have the faintest idea how to do that...


So....for now...I just can't write about what happened....maybe I will be inspired to do it again soon....but, until then....I just can't do it....

One Year of Blogging

I just noticed on my profile that I have now been blogging for one year.....big deal...who cares, right? Right.

For me, blogging has been a learning and growing experience. When I look back and read the blogs I have written I see some growth...However, I also see someone who is far too much into "herself"....not intentionally into "myself"....but I tend to forget that life is not all about "me' and "my experiences".....I guess I am realizing that I am a whole lot more "self" centered than I have ever cared to admit....

I'd like to change that.....I am trying to find that balance of "confidence" and "humility"....I don't want to be afraid to be who I am or afraid to allow God to use me in any way he chooses....However, I also don't want to be blind to the fact that the world does not revolve around me and my trials and struggles and victories/failures...

I don't know how you live in that healthy tension....how do you know if you are "out of balance"?

I think I have been "out of balance" lately.....I see that in my posts....it's almost as if I am giving myself a virtual pat on the back....

I mean maybe it was more about "me" feeling like I "ministered" to Sonya's family than it really was about ministering to "them"...maybe it's become more about "me" trying to "grieve well" than it is about orchestrating an evening of remembering for Brian's parents. I don't know....I just look back at those two posts and think that maybe I am too full of myself......maybe I don't have an accurate picture of those two evenings....

Yet, I don't completely believe that either....my heart was genuine.....and I felt a deep connection in both of those instances.....

Blogging has put it out there for me to read...to reread....to analyze...to see the patterns....and I don't always like what I see.....and maybe that is part of growth...recognizing things that need to change.....

It is my heart's desire to be faithful to the One who has been faithful to me....and I am definitely trying....but "I" seem to be getting in the way.....there needs to be a whole lot less of "me".....how do you do that? How do you remove your own needs and desires from the equation so that it doesn't skew what you do or how you feel....

I guess I am a little down on myself....because I have recognized some things in myself that I don't like....and I am not completely sure what to do about it...


I'll keep pondering....

The Gift of Remembering.....

Last night we celebrated Brian's birthday. There were 8 adults and 8 kids.....talk about some noise....

This is now the third year that the same group of us have gotten together to celebrate Brian's life. The first year was agonizingly painful....the second year was a huge step forward....and last night.....well, it was one of the sweetest times I have ever experienced. It's been a huge blessing in my life to have friends who have walked beside us on this road of grief. And...last night was just a continuation of that blessing.

Brian's parents were coming in town for grandparents day and so I decided to delay the celebration (his birthday was last Sunday) and see if they wanted to join us (this was the first year to invite his parents). They, of course, wanted to participate.

As the day got closer I got more and more nervous. I just wasn't sure how well it was going to go over. I worried that it would be too much for his parents...or that I would struggle....for whatever reason, I allowed myself to get stressed out about it.

Admittedly, I have not been "super close" to Brian's parents. We have always had a good relationship, but not one I would describe as "close". I tend to be a private person, especially with my emotions....I have not been hugely openly emotional with them about Brian's death. So, this was uncharted territory and I was a little unnerved.

We had the "M___" meal....and Brian's parents helped cook it. Brian's family has the same "meal" every time they have a big family get together. The recipes are ones that have been used for several generations. The food turned out well..and it was nice to have us all working together on a big meal.

After dinner we all sat down in the living room for a time of remembering. Each of the kids had drawn pictures of their favorite memory of Brian and one by one they gave Brian's parents their pictures and explained what memory it represented. The kids did a great job of creating an atmosphere of "remembering". Once the kids finished the adults sat around and talked about favorite memories of Brian. I sat back and watched and listened...and occassionally spoke up to fill in details or clarify a story. Brian's mom and dad joined in with stories and memories of their own.

As I sat there it began to dawn on me that maybe this was one of the best gifts we could have given Brian's mom and dad. I would imagine that there are very few people who sit and "listen" to their memories....I also realized that last night was really about "them"....my goal was for them to be able to "see" how we have been "remembering Brian".....It is important to me for them to know how much we loved him and how committed I am to making sure the kids continue to experience the effects of his influence in their life. I guess part of my fear is that as we continue to heal and rebuild our life that Brian's parents will think we have forgotten him...it's that whole loyalty issue that I struggle with.....I know I should continue to try to move on and rebuild but sometimes it feels disloyal and I feel guilty for continuing to live and dream......However, I think that last night they got a taste of how we have continued to celebrate his life. And.....I have never been more grateful and proud of the friends that I have....they took the time to sit and "remember" and "listen"....they even sat and looked at the "memory books" that Brian's mom made for each of my three kids...I equate that to watching someone's home movies...they were so kind to indulge us in remembering Brian.....and it was such a sweet experience.

Interestingly, there were no tears last night....just a lot of smiles and some laughter....and a few raised eyebrows when stories were told that hadn't been heard before....

When Brian's parents left today they both thanked me for last night....Brian's dad said "it was really great, thank you" and his mom said "thank you so much for doing that last night....we really enjoyed it".

I thought today about what Brian would think about what we did.....knowing how much he loved his parents I can't help but think he was really proud of us....and thankful that we included his mom and dad.....

The gift of remembering.....for that I am grateful.....

Recognizing the good....

One of the things that I have wrestled with throughout this process is being able to understand how good can come out of something so tragic. I don't understand how God does it. But, he does. God is able to use "all things" in our life to achieve His purpose for our life.

I saw that again this week.

Last night I attended the funeral visitation of my best friend during my childhood years. Her dad was the pastor at my home church and her mom was my piano teacher for many years. Her older sisters babysat me. We spent many Sunday nights after church together at Mr. Gatti's Pizza. I have a ton of memories that involve her and her family.

She died this past Sunday after a hard-fought battle with breast cancer. She has four children ranging in age from three years old to eleven years old. My heart has been broken for her husband and for her kids....but also for her family....for her sweet mom....

I don't know exactly how to put it into words....but I know that God used me to minister to her family last night. He used a lot of people to minister to them....the funeral home was overflowing....but, I think I was able to be connect with them in a way that few other people could. I've walked the road they are on....and they knew that.....and because of that I was able to comfort them in the same way I was shown comfort when Brian died....I was able to try to answer their questions about what to do with issues they were facing with their kids.....

The truth is...there aren't any magical, easy answers about what to do with kids in every circumstance and situation.....but, I could at least share what I had done and why I had done it and whether or not I thought it was helpful.....

And, I felt useful....feeling useful in a time of sorrow and crisis is an empowering experience.....in the past (before Brian's death) I think I would have felt totally inadequate in knowing what to do or say....but last night, I felt like I something to offer them.....and I wanted to allow God to use me...and I think He did......I guess I felt like my life was achieving some purpose beyond me.....I saw some "good"....and I recognized it as "good"....


And....for that I am humbled that God could use me....and grateful that He is always faithful to achieve His purposes...through every situation....

And....I continue to pray for her family....for her kids...for her husband....because the road is soooo long......

June 16, 2005....part one

I got up that day a little earlier than usual because the babysitter was coming to our house and I needed some time to pick things up and straighten the house a little. The house was suffering from a week of neglect because I had been at VBS each night and there just wasn't much time to keep things at home in order.

Amber (the babysitter) arrived at about 8:30 and off I went to work. Brian was still at home doing some paperwork for the draw he was requesting from the bank on one of the houses he was building. He followed me out to the car and kissed me goodbye. He stood in the driveway and watched me back out....he had his arms folded and he raised one arm slightly and waved goodbye....this is my last memory of him and it is a very clear memory.....except that I can't picture what he had on.....but I can see his smile so vivdly........

I went to work and was busy all morning getting ready for the last night of VBS. I called him at about 11:30am to ask him if he wanted to go get some lunch with me. He was very upbeat when I talked with him and he told me something had come up at the house in Cedar Hill and that he was meeting the plumber there in about an hour so he couldn't go with me. This was the last conversation we ever had. We didn't usually go to lunch together but I wanted to spend some time with him since we had had such a busy week....and I wanted to continue to reconnect with him before we went off on our trip....much earlier in the week I would describe us as being pretty disconnected....we were both going in different directions...dealing with stressors in our work worlds....with very little time or energy to connect with each other....but, he couldn't go...so I decided to have lunch in with the ladies at work.

I went to Dairy Twin and picked up lunch and brought it back to the church to eat it in the breakroom. I was sitting there talking with the ladies and I mentioned our plans for the weekend. Laura was going to stay with the kids while we were gone and I remember joking with her about how much "fun" she was going to have being a parent to three kids that weekend. I finished lunch and went back upstairs to my office to work.......

It was now about 1:30pm and Melinda buzzed into my office and said "Shelly, line one....she says it is an emergency." My first thought was that one of my clients from the counseling center was calling. It would not have been unusual for one of them to call and ask to talk to me and to tell the secretary that it was an emergency....it had happened before....I was out in the hall when she buzzed me...I remember walking very calmly to the phone and picking it up....never thinking that the emergency was about Brian....I picked up the phone and said "This is Shelly"......

Stephanie was on the other end and she told me "Brian and Toby have been in an accident. Toby just called me and he was laying on the side of the road when he called". All I remember saying is "What?" "What happened" "Where?" Melinda heard my voice shaking and came in to my office.....I think she knew immediately by looking at me that something awful had happened.......Stephanie didn't give me much info....she said that they were careflighting Brian to either JPS or Harris Downtown......Melinda offered to drive me to the hospital. I got my purse and walked down to her car. I was calm....but only because I was scared to death to think the worst....surely there was a mistake....if I just act calm, this whole thing will blow over...

She drove me to the hospital. The whole time I kept looking out the window and up into the air.....I was trying to watch for the helicoptor....it seems foolish now....but I was intently focused on the sky......I had my cell phone and called my mom....I asked her if she would call Brian's mom...I just couldn't call her....I knew I would fall apart if I had to tell her.....

Stephanie called me once en route to the hospital. She told me that she talked to someone at the scene of the accident and that they said that Brian was conscious and was talking (I now know that was probably inaccurate....it was probably the drive of the other vehicle and not Brian)....she wanted me to know that because she thought that was a good sign. I remember telling Melinda that he was talking....that conversation gave me hope....maybe he was ok......

We arrived at Harris Hospital and we still didn't know if we were at the right hospital. Melinda asked me if I wanted to go in or stay in the car. I told her I would just stay in the car while she found out. I don't know why I didn't just go in....maybe it was a little bit of denial....I didn't want to be there.....and I wasn't going to go in unless I knew he was really there....

She came back out and said they don't know which hospital they are taking him to but that I should come inside and wait. I went in and they took us back to a family room. The chaplain came in and asked me a lot of questions to determine who they were looking for.....


I need to stop for now....part two another night....

A Starting Point....

It's hard to find a good starting point in recounting the last days before his death. I could begin with the Memorial Day weekend that we spent at my parent's lake house in Oklahoma. We got the surprise news that weekend that my sister was expecting her first baby. It was an incredibly fun and exciting announcement. They had been trying for several years and our whole family was elated!

Or, I could start with the several days before that we had by ourselves...without kids...we had dinner at Chile's one of those nights and considered putting an offer on a house in our neighborhood that had a pool and needed a lot of work. Brian even made a verbal offer to the realtor that night. I remember telling him that I just didn't think the timing was right. I tended to the be the one in our marriage who fought change and the thought of moving was too overwhelming. Brian, on the other hand, was jazzed about the possibilities and was somewhat frustrated at my lack of support for the move.

Another beginning point might be the start of Vacation Bible School on the Sunday evening before he died on Thursday. As usual, I was completely preoccupied with all the details and stressors of leading a Vacation Bible School. Brian had been down this road with me for many, many years. He knew to lay low and not expect a whole lot from me until it was over. He never complained about it but I am sure it wasn't one of his more favorite weeks to be married to me.

So, a starting point.....I guess it is important to start by saying that the week leading up to his death was a microcosm of our marriage. It was a week that we faced challenges....a week that frustration with each other reached a high level....and a week that we experienced the very best of being married.

Thankfully, on Wednesday night (he died on Thursday) we had one of the sweetest times together that I could have ever hoped for had I known it was to be our last time to experience the best of our marriage. I remember standing in the kitchen talking to him until about 11:30pm. We were talking about some of my struggles at work....some of my frustrations about VBS that week...some of my insecurities about some transitions that were happening with my job.....I got a little emotional talking about some of it and I remember he was sitting on the counter in the kitchen and he reached out and put his arms around me and hugged me for the longest time. He kissed me on the forehead and just held me. He said some things to me that I needed to hear and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him and his support. Brian had a way of helping me sift through issues....he was good at balancing me out and he was the voice of reason when I got down or discouraged....

I went to bed that night knowing I was loved and looking forward to the weekend getaway we had planned for Friday and Saturday. It was our 12 year anniversary and he had booked us a night at the Gaylord Texan Resort. All was well in our marriage....and we were going to go celebrate the life we had together.......I couldn't wait.......

It's for my kids....

When I first started blogging I think it was about trying something new....reaching out into the world of technology and pretending like I knew what I was doing....

Then it became about "getting some stuff out"....blogging helped me put into words the complicated emotional world I live in....and that helped me....and I connected with some people that I never would have connected with had I not opened up and allowed this to become an important part of my healing process...


Now...I think maybe this blog is for my kids....I want them to know how we worked through the loss of their dad....and we have worked at it really hard...I plan to someday share this with them....so they will know how much I loved him....so they will know how hard we tried to remember him and honor him...because I think I would want to know as much as I could about my dad and about how things happened....and I guess I think they probably will too....

And so....I am thinking of writing some posts that would describe what happened the day he died....the day after...at the funeral...things I remember now that I don't want to forget....things that might be helpful to them someday....

I don't know if it will ever mean anything to them....but I feel the need to organize some of the memories....so that if they do want to know more about what it was like to live through those first few hours, days and months....they will have a way to learn about it...

So...some explanation perhaps....because this blog may change to more of my own memories of the events that have happened...in hopes that these memories will provide healing for my kids someday as they continue to grieve and regrieve the loss of their dad....

Happy Birthday Brian!

One of our last family photos taken together....and one of my favorite....


Thinking of you today....

Happy Birthday Brian

Tomorrow would be Brian's 38th birthday. It's still so hard to believe that he's gone....I guess it's not so much hard to believe that he is gone as it is hard to figure out why he's gone...or how in the world it happened that he is gone....

There are days when I have a hard time remembering what it was like to be married to him...I can't remember what we did for his last birthday that he was alive....I can't remember what I got him for that birthday or even for that last Christmas together...I can't even remember what he was wearing on the day he died...It seems like there are more and more and more things that I can't remember....insignificant things....

But what I do remember.....is the way that he loved me....the way that he loved our kids....

I will never forget him....I will never forget his love....I wonder if I will ever quit missing him....

The tears tonight are for what? Why does it still have to hurt that tomorrow is his birthday and he never made it to 38? I have been rocking along doing really well....and then when I sit down long enough to think about his birthday tomorrow the emotions begin to hit....

Happy Birthday Brian....Always and forever we will love you.....

Checking off the list...

It's been a productive past few days...thanks to some friends, neighbors, and repairmen I now have checked off my list the following non-functioning items:
1. Ice-maker: repairman fixed it on Fridayl
2. New Gas Grill: Neighbor installed it this morning
3. New Dishwasher: Friend installed it this evening....an incredible bargain, I might add...just 43.00 (slightly used)
4. Garage Door Opener: No longer demon possessed!


As I sit here typing I can hear the dishwasher running (yippee...I have been washing dishes by hand for 5-6 months), the ice maker just dumped a recent load of ice and I am still full from tonight's inaugural dinner off the new grill.

I am grateful for the people God has put in my life to help me with all the "home issues" that I am not capable of dealing with...I hope that someday I can repay some of the favors....I don't have much to offer but maybe I'll be useful for something one of these days....

She Returns....and another first....

Lexi showed up at about 4:30am to reclaim her stake in my bed. I asked her about it this morning and she said "I slept half of the night in my bed and half of the night in your bed". She is in my bed again tonight...oh well, it was a nice thought....

On my lunch hour today I went to the motor and mower supply store. It was the first time I had been in there. My neighbor told me my gas edger's blade was bad and that I could find a replacement for it there. So, I had a few extra minutes and thought I would go in there and see what they had.

First of all, I am quite certain I am the only female with all of her teeth that visited that store today. While I was in there it was just me and three bubbas from Burleson. I walked up to the counter and told him I needed a replacement blade and I handed him the bad one so he could match the part. I was feeling pretty confident as he walked back to the parts room. He came back and began asking me questions that I didn't know the answer to...but I pretended I knew what I was talking about....they went something like this....

"What is this blade from?"

(me) "It's an edger"

"Do you know what kind?"

(me) "It's one that you push...it runs on gas"

"No, do you know what brand?"

(me) "....uhh...I think it is Briggs and Stratton"

"No, it should be like Toro or Craftsman"

(me)....no....I really don't know....

"Does it have an engine that.....(garbledygook).." (I couldn't understand what he said)

(me...smiling)...."I don't know....I just know this is the blade I need"

"I'll go check in the back one more time....."

(me....cracking up thinking he must think I am a complete idiot)

"Do you remember if it had two prongy things on each end?"

(me) "Maybe...I don't know...it's been 3 years since we bought it"

"Well, I think this one will work...."

(me...seeing the difference in the length of the blade)...."Is this one too long or is mine just worn down?"

"Oh yes ma'am your blade is just worn down...I've seen ones that looked like a nub before....it's the right size"

(me) "Ok, so this one should work...I guess I can bring it back if it doesn't work (thinking I am not paying 30.00 for a blade that looks too long and then be stuck with it)"

"sure...just bring it in and we'll find the right one"

He rings it up and it cost me $3.14. WHO KNEW? Who knew you could buy a brand new blade for your gas edger for less than the price of a happy meal.......???

I walked out of there smiling....thinking to myself 1). I just bought a blade for an edger...how funny is that? 2). 3.14 what a bargain....and 3). I can't believe I just walked into a mower and motor supply store on my lunch hour...and bought a part for a piece of lawn equipment as if it was a normal thing for me to do....

I am not sure when it happened...but somewhere along the way things that used to feel so awkward and weird have now become just part of my normal every day life...and I am even able to find some humor in them now....I think that is progress.....and, I figured that Brian would never in a million years believe that I would do what I just did.....which is what had me grinning under my breath for the rest of the day....(and still tonight I think it is hilarious)...

By the way....when I got home...I put the new part on and guess what? It's the right one and it works!!! How about that?


I still can't get over the fact that it was only $3.14!

A first....

Tonight as I was getting the kids ready for bed I heard Lexi calling from her bedroom for me to come in there....I went in there and she was in her own bed.....ready for me to say prayers with her.....she has been sleeping in my bed since Brian died...she has had a few nights in her own bed but only after I guilted her into trying it....this time it was her idea....maybe she thinks that now that she is a first grader she needs to sleep in her room.....maybe? Maybe not....we'll see if she makes a return visit to my bed tomorrow night.....

If this sticks, I think it will be a milestone worth noting....if not, we'll just chalk it up to "the night before the first day of school" giddyness.....

I have a king size bed so I hardly notice that she is there....it hasn't been a real problem....but it would be nice, I guess, if I had my room all to myself....maybe.....then I could make up my bed when I first got up....instead of waiting until she is up....

Oh well...we shall see....

A Prayer for my kids...

My prayer for my kids this year at school is this....

God help my kids to be confident in themselves and what they believe. Help them to be compassionate to others....respectful to their teachers....and driven to do their best work and give their best effort.

Give them enough challenges to stretch them......give them enough success to provide the confidence necessary to get back up when failure comes....give them enough little failures to learn valuable lessons that will help prevent the really big failures in life...

Help me and their teachers to see their strengths and find ways to celebrate those strengths.....help us also to see their weaknesses and find ways to overcome them...

Protect them from harmful influences....help them learn to discern good and evil....and then give them courage to avoid evil....

Be with their teachers....their influence is great....bless them for their efforts...help me as a parent to support my children's teachers...

Give me wisdom in knowing how to best parent my kids....thank you for the gift that they are...amen

What if....

What if God is orchestrating every event of my life? What if he willingly allowed/directed the accident to happen that took Brian's life? What if someday I look back on the event and appreciate the purpose that it served?

Or......


What if 30 years from now I am still as clueless about it as I am now? In other words, what if it remains a mystery? What if the perspective that I have still doesn't provide meaning and purpose to why it happened?

Seems like either way it goes it doesn't erase the element of struggle that I have with my faith. If I say He "caused" it to happen for a greater good then that goes against what I have allowed myself to believe...in light of the loss...I don't want to believe that God "caused" this....that just can't be....at least from my perspective now I see nothing good about my three kids growing up with out their father....nothing good at all....you can't tell me that they won't be negatively impacted by his life being cut short.....they will be impacted....I am doing all I can to minimize the impact and maximize his influence....but there is only so much I can do.....

So....then....if He isn't all that involved and doesn't "orchestrate" everything....then what kind of God is He? What should I expect from Him and how He works? Am I, in fact, responsible for how my life turns out....should I be more "proactive" about rebuilding the kind of life that I believe God would want me to have? Or, do I just "wait and see"....

I seem to be hung up on the issue of how involved God is in our life......there is a lot riding on it for me....

What do I really think and believe? Gosh....I don't know....I really, truly do not know.....I know that I can look back on my life and trace God's hand in every event of my life...the good, the bad and the ugly.....but I also know that I made decisions a lot differently than I do now. I tended to "spiritualize" every decision.....I believed that God told me where to go to college....that God told me to marry Brian....that God told me to move to Florida....that God told me to go to Seminary....etc....etc....but what if He didn't tell me all those things.....maybe I just believed that He did....and because I was earnestly trying to follow Him He continued to bless and open doors for me to fulfill the calling I felt He had on my life...

Maybe I am just over-analyzing it.....but it would sure help me if I could understand the degree of involvment God has in our lives.....Yes, I know that he knows the number of hairs on my head....but, so what? Knowledge I am not debating......I believe He knows all.....I just don't know what exactly He does with that knowledge.....

God is God......I am not........

I don't question God's character....or His presence....or His redemptive power....or His unfailing love....or His abillity to achieve His purposes through every event of our lives....but I do question exactly how he does that.....and what part of this journey is dependent mostly on me and what part is completely beyond my control......

This post seems a little odd....I think it all boils down to the fact that I am beginning to wonder if there will come a time when I am actually grateful that this happened....not saying I will ever say it is a "good" thing.....but, I could actually see now the possibility (although remote) of that happening.....and, no, I am not talking about some knight in shining armor rescuing me and the kids (that's my dad's answer to all my issues).....I am not talking about some fairytale happy ending (although I could be convinced to participate in a happy ending)....I am talking about a point in time where I realize that God's purpose for my life could only be achieved as a result of going through this element of struggle....it is possible that my life will count for something entirely different than if I had never been through the loss of my 35 year old husband....and maybe...just maybe....I am not completely convinced yet....I will have the opportunity to be more of an influence and make more of an impact than if I had stayed happily married to Brian and blissfully unaware of the pain and sorrow that came far too soon and far too sudden.....and if that is possible...then it may mean that God is extremely involved in my life.....and I just need to trust Him with the chapters I haven't read yet.....I know the ending will be good.....and for that I am grateful....