Letting go of the why....

There are parts of me that have let go of the "why" question. Intellectually, I know that I will never know "why" Brian died at 35 years of age. Spiritually, I am at peace with not being able to understand the "why". Emotionally, I have begun to distance myself from the "why". However, personally, I still struggle with the "why".

I have been watching the real estate market go down the tubes lately. Just yesterday a friend of Brian's told me that the man who got Brian into building homes may be faced with filing bankruptcy. He took a few too many risks and is feeling the effects of the housing meltdown in our economy.

The thought crossed my mind yesterday that if Brian were still building homes we would very likely be struggling right now. Brian had no qualms about going out on a limb and taking risks. When he died he was on his way to a house that he was building that was listed for over 500k. Now, homes in that neighborhood are being foreclosed on because builders overbuilt the area and didn't see the real estate crisis coming.

What I can't wrap my mind around is how God works. Is it possible that God was actually protecting Brian from things that we can't ever fully understand? Or, is it just that he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time and his death allowed him not to have to go through a tough time in his career? I don't know.....because I can't wrap my mind around it....

Yes, to be honest, I am thankful that I don't have the stress of a bankruptcy to deal with. However, I would have done anything to keep our marriage alive....yet, I wonder.....where would we be right now? What would we be dealing with? There is no way to impose the future into my thoughts accurately....too many variables that can't be accounted for....only speculation....biased speculation...

As much as I want to, it's still so hard to completely let go of the "why".....it creeps back in unexpectedly.....wreaking havoc with my thoughts....knocking me off balance as I desparately try to make sense of how I ended up a single mom with three children to raise on my own.....yet, making sense of it wouldn't change the reality I live in.....what's done is done....no going back....

It causes me to wonder what the rest of my life holds....is this it for me? Yet, I am so grateful for the many blessings in my life......friends, family, a good job that I enjoy.....rich memories of our love.....a new found confidence in my ability to survive and thrive again.....there are many things to choose to be thankful for.....

but...the loneliness is there too...............oh the loneliness.....it never leaves......

I want to let the "why" go.....and sometimes I think I have....but apparently I haven't....