The Gift of Remembering.....

Last night we celebrated Brian's birthday. There were 8 adults and 8 kids.....talk about some noise....

This is now the third year that the same group of us have gotten together to celebrate Brian's life. The first year was agonizingly painful....the second year was a huge step forward....and last night.....well, it was one of the sweetest times I have ever experienced. It's been a huge blessing in my life to have friends who have walked beside us on this road of grief. And...last night was just a continuation of that blessing.

Brian's parents were coming in town for grandparents day and so I decided to delay the celebration (his birthday was last Sunday) and see if they wanted to join us (this was the first year to invite his parents). They, of course, wanted to participate.

As the day got closer I got more and more nervous. I just wasn't sure how well it was going to go over. I worried that it would be too much for his parents...or that I would struggle....for whatever reason, I allowed myself to get stressed out about it.

Admittedly, I have not been "super close" to Brian's parents. We have always had a good relationship, but not one I would describe as "close". I tend to be a private person, especially with my emotions....I have not been hugely openly emotional with them about Brian's death. So, this was uncharted territory and I was a little unnerved.

We had the "M___" meal....and Brian's parents helped cook it. Brian's family has the same "meal" every time they have a big family get together. The recipes are ones that have been used for several generations. The food turned out well..and it was nice to have us all working together on a big meal.

After dinner we all sat down in the living room for a time of remembering. Each of the kids had drawn pictures of their favorite memory of Brian and one by one they gave Brian's parents their pictures and explained what memory it represented. The kids did a great job of creating an atmosphere of "remembering". Once the kids finished the adults sat around and talked about favorite memories of Brian. I sat back and watched and listened...and occassionally spoke up to fill in details or clarify a story. Brian's mom and dad joined in with stories and memories of their own.

As I sat there it began to dawn on me that maybe this was one of the best gifts we could have given Brian's mom and dad. I would imagine that there are very few people who sit and "listen" to their memories....I also realized that last night was really about "them"....my goal was for them to be able to "see" how we have been "remembering Brian".....It is important to me for them to know how much we loved him and how committed I am to making sure the kids continue to experience the effects of his influence in their life. I guess part of my fear is that as we continue to heal and rebuild our life that Brian's parents will think we have forgotten him...it's that whole loyalty issue that I struggle with.....I know I should continue to try to move on and rebuild but sometimes it feels disloyal and I feel guilty for continuing to live and dream......However, I think that last night they got a taste of how we have continued to celebrate his life. And.....I have never been more grateful and proud of the friends that I have....they took the time to sit and "remember" and "listen"....they even sat and looked at the "memory books" that Brian's mom made for each of my three kids...I equate that to watching someone's home movies...they were so kind to indulge us in remembering Brian.....and it was such a sweet experience.

Interestingly, there were no tears last night....just a lot of smiles and some laughter....and a few raised eyebrows when stories were told that hadn't been heard before....

When Brian's parents left today they both thanked me for last night....Brian's dad said "it was really great, thank you" and his mom said "thank you so much for doing that last night....we really enjoyed it".

I thought today about what Brian would think about what we did.....knowing how much he loved his parents I can't help but think he was really proud of us....and thankful that we included his mom and dad.....

The gift of remembering.....for that I am grateful.....