Small Steps

Today I got word that my tenant in the commercial property I own is going to sign another two year lease. I am relieved about it but also wish he would have exercised his option to purchase it. I'd love to get rid of it and not have the stress and strain of being a landlord. The building has tons of memories tied to it. Brian would be pleased that it is helping to provide for our future and that the value has continued to increase. He would probably be disappointed if I sold it. But, honestly, I think it would be terrific if I could sell it and be done with it. This is a part of Brian that I'd like to put in the past. I don't enjoy being a landlord and it can be a stressful role to have to play.

It would be very freeing to let it go.....but that isn't an option for another two years.....

Tonight I was out in the neighborhood and the real estate agent that Brian always used pulled over and asked me if I or anyone on my street might want to sell their house. She had a client who liked our street and wanted to buy in our area. I told her I didn't know anyone.....but part of me was thinking that maybe I should let them look at my house....I don't really want to move but it is beginning to feel like this house keeps me from completely moving on with my life. It isn't painful to live here....it's a great house....my kids love it....incredible neighbors....but I am starting to feel a little trapped by it. It is hard to explain....but something about it is beginning to bother me....

I think it goes back to that feeling of being stuck....wanting to move forward but still feeling a little trapped by the past....

Someone asked me out of the blue yesterday if I had dated anyone since Brian died. I almost fell out of my chair when this person asked me. First of all, I wasn't expecting that question.....and secondly, I thought to myself "are you kidding...who would want to date me? I have 3 small children...that's enough to scare the wrong person away immediately...." I walked away from that conversation wondering what would posses this person to ask me that question in such a non-chalant way....as if this person really thought I might be dating.....I am still scratching my head about that one.....however, after I choked on my food to figure out how to answer the question I said "no...haven't dated anyone........long pause......I am not sure that would be best for my kids......another long pause.......but I am open to it....only if it were the right person....." It was weird saying that out loud...and very uncomfortable......and then somewhat discouraging because it was almost as if this person thought I would be out each weekend having a great time.....NOT.....nothing could be further from the truth......my life is my kids......and I am ok with that.....I guess....it was just a reminder that everyone looks at life through different glasses.....sometimes what others see and what we see and experience are two totally different realities...just interesting to me..... (by the way, I have several widow friends who have been able to date and remarry rather quickly....this blog is not meant to imply that the way I feel is the right way to feel or anything like that....every person is different and every person's grief journey is different....I get that...and I respect that)

It's been a weird few days....and maybe I am just realizing that I need to look at taking some small steps to try to get unstuck.....I'm a creature of habit and change is hard for me.....but something has gotten stirred up in me lately and I need to figure out how to deal with it.....


It's like I have been given this 15,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with no box to show what I am working towards.....so I just plug along....piece by piece....wondering what the heck the picture is going to end up looking like.....thinking to myself how desparately I would love to have that boxtop to show me how the pieces will eventually fit together...if nothing else, seeing the end result would give me hope and inspiration to finish the puzzle.......right now, I'd like to just quit.....because I can't for the life of me figure out what my life is going to end up looking like....and that frustrates the heck out of me......and I guess I wonder if it is all going to be worth the effort.....


Small steps....little pieces.....eventually the big picture will emerge....