Just can't do it...

I started a project a week or so ago that I am going to put on hold for a while. I thought I wanted to write my account of what happened when Brian died. I wanted to do it and thought it would be helpful to me and to my kids. I wrote a couple of entries...but I can't seem to find it in me to write some more. For one thing, I went back and re-read them and they don't have much flow to them....there is a disconnect somewhere.....it's all facts....no feelings....well, maybe a little bit in the first post....but the second post is like a robotic recanting of what happened.....I can't completely go there.....I can't completely open myself up and talk about what that day was like.....or maybe it is that I don't WANT to go there.....not really.....

Initially, I thought it was because it was just too painful.....and that is definitely part of it.....the wounds have healed and I don't want to open them back up......

However, the more I have thought about it I think it goes beyond that.....I am TIRED of talking about grief....I am TIRED of being so focused on this journey.....

I am wanting to choose to quit looking at my life through grief-colored glasses....(I know that was corny but it is an accurate analogy).....I don't want Brian's death to continue to be the defining moment of my life....not any more.....

Having said that....I recognize that Brian's death HAS indeed been a defining moment.....I get that.....I am, for the most part, very proud of how much growth has occured in my life over the past two years....(this isn't meant to be a virtual pat on the back...it's a fact...I have been forced to grow in ways that never would have happened without his death)

But the truth of the matter is that I now feel stuck.....I am tired of going back to the past and measuring everything in my life by what changed on June 16, 20005......but I am also not exactly sure how to move further into my future....the future that doesn't include Brian....I can see where I am headed....and I am motivated to go there....but it feels disloyal....it feels like I am abandoning the love that we shared.....to move forward feels like it is devaluing Brian and the relationship that we had.....

I think that is why it was so important for me to include Brian's parents in his birthday celebration.....I wanted to take the opportunity to show them how much I still loved him.....because there is a part of me that fears that as they continue to watch me rebuild my life that they will be disappointed in me if I don't spend the rest of my life looking in my rear-view mirror....

.....our relationship is over......and I have to be ok with that....and I guess I am....sort of....

I need to get unstuck......

But, I don't have the faintest idea how to do that...


So....for now...I just can't write about what happened....maybe I will be inspired to do it again soon....but, until then....I just can't do it....