Telling Conversation

I was talking with a widow the other day. I was doing my best to encourage and support her. I am thankful when I have those opportunities. However, she told me about a conversation someone in her church had with her that has continued to rumble around in my head. Basically, a lady told her that she must have done something pretty bad in order for God to take away her husband. I think she prefaced it with "you know the Lord gives and the Lord takes away"....obviously, the lady I was talking with was incredibly hurt by the comment. I just shook my head....but, deep down, I have wondered if people thought that about me too. I know it is stupid to wonder that, but I do.

It bothered me for several reasons. One is that I guess there is still something small in the back of my head that wonders if I did something to deserve this.....maybe it is punishment....another reason is that I struggle knowing just exactly how involved God is in our life....there is a part of me that wants to believe that he orchestrates every event of my life (that is the way I grew up)...But there is a much larger part of me that has come to think that maybe He isn't as involved as I thought....and that fits what has happened in my life a little better.....because...how else do I make sense of the fact that my husband is gone....if God cared about every detail, surely He would have kept the accident from happening....

I really don't think I am being punished....it just doesn't fit....we had a good marriage....not a perfect marriage, but a darn good marriage....the kind of marriage that I hope my kids someday experience.... However, what if I am changing my theology so it will fit my experience? Isn't that a little dangerous? Is that what I have been doing? Rethinking my faith and trying to squeeze it into my life experience....something to think about.....either my faith has deepend or I have changed it so it will fit.....I hope it has deepened.....but I am not completely confident of that....in light of the fact that maybe I have just rearranged my thinking so that it will all make sense....

Truth is, I 'd like to punch the person in the gut who made such an insensitive comment (which, by the way, I have never in my life hit anyone... besides one of my siblings...so that is a little over the top for me).....but, I also know that someday she will understand....someday she will realize that death happens.....to everyone.....including her and her family......until then, I guess she serves a purpose in causing me to really think about my faith......and I guess that is always a good thing. I will continue to let it rumble and see where it leads me....