Happy Birthday Sweet Lexi!

Happy Birthday Sweet Lexi!  Today you turned 8!  You were thrilled when I gave you a gift card to get your ears pierced!  You are all girl!  I thank God for the gift of you in my life.  You are as sweet as they come!  You have a tender and giving heart.  Your prayers are always so thoughtful and genuine.  I am continually amazed by your thoughtfulness.  I am certain God has wonderful plans for you.  Thanks for the honor and pleasure of being your mom.

This Week's Highlights....

I am thankful for a wonderful, hopeful, and restful week.  The week didn't start off that way with Lexi and Braden throwing up in tandem in the middle of the night.  The mess and the laundry were magnanimous.  Thankfully, my mom was here and she helped with one child while I helped the other.  Mom had to leave early Monday because of the impending weather but she was still very helpful.

Tuesday night we had an ice storm that gave us a day off on Wednesday and Wednesday night (no church activities).  It was an amazingly relaxing day.  I actually took about a thirty minute nap Wednesday afternoon.  I can't remember the last time I had such a nice, long afternoon nap.   If I get to lay down it usually only lasts for 5 minutes or less because the phone rings or my kids need me.  So, this was extra nice and did me a world of good.

Today, Nathan and Lexi brought home good report cards.  Both of them had improved in areas and excelled in some new areas as well.  Both of them received awards at the 9 week awards assembly.  Lexi received an "accountability" character award and Nathan received the Olympian Award for his class.  I had a chance to be there and show my support.  I couldn't help but sit there and think to myself..."my kids are making it...they are more than just ok....they really are."

Nathan started out the year on a challenging note with his teacher.  I really never expected her to single him out and give him the award for his class.  I am thankful that she has not held anything against him or me because of the concerns I shared with her at the beginning of the year.  I have more respect for her now because she has moved forward and been a great teacher for Nathan.  It is amazing how things sometimes turn around.  I also pointed this out to Nathan and told him how proud I was of the way he worked through his struggles with his teacher.

I can't write this post without sharing some of the things his teacher said about him....

For Nathan:  Nathan is, without fail, a willing and hard worker who gives each task his maximum effort.  Additionally, he stays optimistic throughout the learning process regardless of whatever new challenges he faces.  He is able to use his creative streak beautifully and effectively to help support all areas of his learning--which is a task not all students are capable of accomplishing successfully.  Most importantly, he is such a kind and compassionate young man who never has a harsh thing to say about anyone.  Although I would love to take credit for his exceptional character, I must admit that he simply came to me this way!  I sincerely could not be more pleased to be able to guide him on his academic path this year!

Nathan has the "best of Brian" in him.  I am so proud and thankful.  I know his dad would be so pleased to see how he is turning out...even with the difficulties he has faced.

Lexi has also been a joy to watch.  Her teacher had some very kind comments to say about her as well.  "Lexi has worked very hard these past nine weeks to meet her goals in all areas of study....She has made tremendous progress in her emotional responses to classroom situations.  She has learned to focus on what she can do and keep working on that which is difficult.  She has become outspoken in small groups and class discussions (a noted weakness the first 9 weeks).  She recently made a presentation with her literature circle partner and not once did I have to tell her to speak up.  She seems to have adjusted to her new school world beautifully."

Lexi is my sensitive, caring child who doesn't want to upset anyone.  The first nine weeks she struggled because her teacher wants her to speak up more and be more of a leader.  This teacher places a premium on kids learning to stand up for themselves and fight for what they think is right.  Lexi had to work at becoming that type of student.  I am proud of the adjustments that she has made and the way she is responding with her words and thoughts instead of her emotions.

Yeah kids!  

I thought this week about my identity as a "single" parent.  I don't like it at all.  I think maybe we should be called "double" parents instead.  It's double the work...double the responsibility...double the pain sometimes....but also double the joy!  

Life has been good and sweet...for this I am grateful.

Oh yeah, I did my generous act(s) for January.  One was anonymous and one couldn't be anonymous.  I truly feel like God led me to do both of them.  I must say that there is "true joy" in doing for others with no expectation of anything in return.  It is truly more of a blessing to give than receive.

Letting Go...Enjoying change

Change is something I usually avoid.  This has always been true of me, but it has been especially true of me since Brian died.  Fortunately, I was married to someone who thrived on change and risk.  The result was a somewhat balanced approach to life.  The tension of our two extremes kept us somewhere in the middle.  

Since Brian's death I have fought to keep many things the same.  I chose to stay in our home, I chose to stay in Texas, to keep our kids in the same schools, and to continue working in my same job.  I worked hard to keep the outside of our house looking like Brian was still taking care of it.  I tried to take many of the same vacations that we used to take, to keep many of our traditions the same, and to give my kids what I thought he would be giving them if he were still here.

It's been a lot of work to fight "change".  To be sure, it has been beneficial for my kids to have a similar environment and to have stability and certainty in their life.  

However, I'm not sure it works for us anymore.  I am finding that letting go makes change more necessary and enjoyable.

Change has become energizing for me.

I have made some major changes in the past few weeks....and I survived it and have even enjoyed it.

It's almost as if now the "rebuilding" is really start to take shape.

I just finished my first year of residency in the Phd program.  I have a 4.0 GPA.  I took a risk, made some changes in how I spend my free time and worked my tail off.  The work paid off and I am so proud.  Brian always wanted me to get my PhD....he would be proud too.

My home now looks different on the inside.  I am slowly rebuilding our home to fit "us".

I chose not to take the kids on a snow-skiing trip this winter.  This is the first year since Brian's death that we have missed it.  I have no regrets.  Ski vacations are not a single parent vacation.  Someday, we'll do it again.  But, for now, it's too much for me to handle and enjoy.

I am talking to someone on Monday about doing my lawncare for the next year.  I'm burned out on being the "lawn girl".  This is a change I KNOW I am going to enjoy!

I suppose I could go on and on about things that I am changing....the main point is that I am no longer avoiding or fearing change.  I am no longer in a defensive position....I am on the offense, and it feels empowering.

I can't put my finger on why this is where I am, but I think it is a good place to be.

A Good Week....

I'm thankful for a productive and good week.  I have knocked out a lot of work and have begun some fun projects at work.  I have enjoyed meeting with several people to begin putting the pieces together for some changes and additions in our preschool ministry.  The next few months should be incredibly busy and hopefully, fruitful.

I'm in my element when I have a challenging project in front of me.  I love pulling people together to accomplish a task.  I love watching people use their gifts.  If I had a choice, I would go from one project to the next....the routine, every day stuff gets boring....however, I understand it is necessary and very much an expected part of my job.

The kids are doing well.  I received a copy of an essay  Nathan wrote that had special significance (to me anyways).  The writing prompt was for him to write about a day spent with his favorite person.  Nathan wrote about the day Brian taught him how to snow-ski.  This is the first time Nathan has written anything about Brian and it gave me a glimpse into his heart.  He has incredible memories with his dad.  I was reminded of the blessing of that this week when I read his essay.  The ending sentence of the essay said "I will never forget this moment with my dad."  Wow.  

Lexi and Braden are doing well too.  Braden is learning to read and that is interesting to watch.  Lexi has such a sweet spirit about her and I am thankful for that.  I have really enjoyed watching both of them playing Upward Basketball...it's a real hoot!

I'm looking at options for the summer and trying to decide what type of vacation to take.  We had a blast in Destin, Florida last year.  I would enjoy going there again but I have also been looking at Pinecove's family camp and it looks really interesting.  Making memories with the kids is definitely a priority, I am just trying to decide where we are going to make memories this summer.  Planning and dreaming about where to go is almost as much fun as going....at least for me it is.

My house is coming along nicely.  My friend came over today and helped put my built-in shelves back together.  It is a work in progress but it is looking great.  I have decided to take one wall in my office and make it a memory wall of Brian.  There aren't going to be any pictures of him/us in my living room and I am ok with that.  It feels like I need to do that.  Not because of any reason except that it is hard to have everything the same.  I need some changes to reflect the way we are moving forward.

I got an unexpected card in my box at work this week.  It was a giftcard to ULTA and it had a note that said "thanks for all the many ways you minister to our church".  I wish I knew who did it so I could thank them.  God has blessed me over and over again with anonymous gifts.  I wonder if it is from the same person or if it is from different people.  I feel blessed by their kindness.  

One of my New Year's goals was to do something generous for somebody one time per month.  I plan to do something this weekend.  I have a couple of ideas in mind but I am praying God will impress on me what I should do.

It's been a good week....life is good and sweet....and for that I am grateful.

Ahhhhhhhhh......Blood Pressure is Going Back Down!

For the past week I have had workers in my house from 8:00am to 6:30pm.  Tonight, they left at 7:45pm.  However, they are DONE!  A huge wave of relief has just set in and I think my psychological systems are returning to normal (ha).

Seriously, I bet there is a study somewhere that says women go nuts when they have a disaster in their homes for more than 24 hours.  It has been incredibly stressful, but the results are GREAT!

The only negative thing is that once you start updating.....then you realize other things need to be done as well.  I suppose this is only the beginning...better start saving more pennies.

I guess that since I am a counselor type I notice how change like this affects me and I read more into it than I should.  For example, I am sitting here in my living room looking at the huge built-in bookshelves that are completely empty and I can't help but see those shelves as a blank slate.  There aren't any pictures of my past....and there aren't any pictures of my future....it's just blank.  

Here's where it gets tricky.  I like the fact that there are no pictures of my past.  It's a little bit of a relief to not be looking at pictures of Brian.  It's not that I don't want to be reminded of him or that I no longer love him.  It's also certainly not that I want to forget him.  I want my kids to have a sense of his presence in their lives and I cherish the life we built together.

However, a blank slate seems a little freeing.....and I am attracted to that....

Finding the balance between honoring our past and straining for the future is a difficult task....I'm not sure I know how to do that.....but at least I now know what I am aiming for...

In the next few days I will be trying to fill those shelves back up....but I will be doing it with some intentionality....and some help!  A friend called yesterday and offered to help me redesign the look of it....I am going to take her up on it.

For blank slates...I am grateful....and hopeful that my home is becoming a reflection of the life I am rebuilding.....

2009=Lots of Changes

We are only 9 days into 2009 and there have already been a ton of changes and more on the horizon.  I may have to go back and consider my New Year's goals as my January goals because many of them have happened or are on their way to happening.

On Thursday of this week my house turned into a work site.  It is an absolute disaster.  It is already driving me crazy and it has only been two days.  It took them almost a day just to tape off everything and put down all the protective paper on my floors.  I am amazed at how much work they can do on a daily basis.  If I would have tried to take on this project it would have taken me weeks.  The important issue is that I am excited about the changes I am making.  For whatever reason, it has become hard to live in my house with it just the way it was when Brian died.  I don't really understand why that has become an issue because it has been (up until about 6 months ago) a very comforting place to live.  Everything in my living area and kitchen area is removed from where it once was.  I am wondering what I will do with the built-in shelves in my living room.  Do I put all the pictures of Brian back in them or do I rearrange it?  I'm not sure....but the issue will be forced when I go to put everything back together.  

On Wednesday night of this week I found out my job  will be changing sometime in the middle of March.  I still have a job and I am grateful for that.  However, there will now be an added layer of organization, stress and responsibility.  I have a strange peace about it.  In some ways I am excited about the challenge of putting it all together.  I love big projects and challenges.  The downside will be once it is all put together and I have to add hours to my work week.  Only time will tell how it will all work out.  I am trusting that God will give me the resources I need to make it happen or he will move me out of the position and into another one that will provide for my family.  This has been a long time coming and it actually could have been much worse.  For now, my Saturday nights are safe....I just have a much longer Sunday on the horizon.

Nathan continues to blossom before my eyes.  Today he came home and told me that his teacher told him that because he has done so well on his benchmark tests that he would now be testing at a 5th grade level instead of 4th grade.  He and two other kids in his class will be doing this.  You know what's hard about that?  I wish more than anything I had someone to tell who would be as excited about that as me.  Brian would be so proud....and I miss not having someone to tell my kids successes (and failures).  The astounding thing about Nathan is that he has had to work hard to get to where he is at.  Reading did not come easy for him.  He had to work at it and he was never the strongest student in his class.  He has always been a "good" student but never to the level that he has attained this year.  I am SO PROUD of him and it makes me HOPE for the future for my kids.  Nathan is blossoming.....and I have had a front row seat to it.

I'm also excited about some opportunities I have through school to work within our community and schools.  I'll be doing a directed study this semester on crisis counseling and I have already begun the process of putting together a training event and crisis counseling team.  I have also received preliminary interest from the BISD administration to try to develop a way for our counseling center to serve as a resource/ministry  for our schools in times of crisis.  I am way jazzed about this.  It will be interesting to see where this goes.

Life is good....2009 is off and running.....looks like it is going to be a big one for change!  

Writing Sample

Nathan brought home his portfolio today with a great writing sample.  I was most impressed with the growth in his writing.  Actually, this was the first piece I have ever seen him write that included anything more than just the facts.  I may be bias, but I think it's pretty good for a nine year old.  His teacher picked his out of the class to use as an example....Nathan was so proud of that.  I am SO glad that this year is turning out better than it started.....

Just for fun....Here it is...spelling errors and all....

A Scary Ride?

Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch!  Goes the sound of our boat being pulled uphill.  You might guess where I'm at.....Well I'm at Disney World riding Splash Mountain.  My heart is pounding we're at the top of the hill.  I close my eyes and wait for it to be over.  Swooosh!  Wait a minute that wasn't the big hill that wasn't even a hill.  And now we're in a tunnel and going as slow as snails.  As I look around I see butterflies and catterpilars on flowers.  "Look over there!" shouts my sister while pointing at a bear and a rabbit.

A song starts playing and it sounds babyish.  I start to think I shouldn't of waited an hour in line for this, but I guess as long as I'm here I should injoy it.  So I looked around and heard birds singing, crickets chirping and frogs croking.  The air smelled like cloren, and the water was cold when it splashed up on me.  We are now entering a deep, dark tunnel.  I see an owl hoot then he says "don't go that way I warned you you'll be sorry".

I start to get worred.  The big hill is up next.  BumBumBum!...BumBumBum! goes my heaert pounding against my chest.  A million thoughts race through my head one of them is that we are going to plunge to our deaths.  

Chchchchchch ch!  By now we're at the top of the hill.  I look out and see everything even the castle.  I look down and see people that look like ants hunting for food.  The boat starts leaning forward.  Zoom!  We are plungeing down and I think my stomach is still at the top of the hill!  Splash!!  We're at the stashion platform again and I'm wet from head to toe with freezing cold water.  Then I turn to my mom and say "can we ride it again, please!"

Some spelling errors and grammar mistakes....but such an improvement in details and painting a picture.  He has gone from "just the facts" to this and I am very pleased and proud.

This puppy is costing me money....

One of my reasons for not getting a dog was that they cost money.  They need to go to the vet, they need to be fed, etc.  I told my kids many times that I didn't want the responsibility or the expense.  I was reminded of the truth of this fact last night.

My house lost power about 2:40pm yesterday.  I came home about 2:30 to get Nathan for his orthodontist appointment.  I let the dog out to use the bathroom but then put her back in her small crate in the house.  I knew we would be gone for a little while but little did I know that we would not be able to get back in our house.  When the power went out I lost my ability to get in the house.  For several months I have been using my garage door opener as my way into the house.  I haven't carried a house key in a while.

Obviously, when the power goes out the garage door opener does not work.  And, if you can't get in your house, you also can't get to your dog to let her out.  

To make a long story short...I called a locksmith at about 9:00pm and he came out and got us in our house so that poor Maggie could get out of her crate and not be stuck there all night alone.  

Surprisingly, the locksmith only charged me 55.00 to come let us in.  I was expecting a lot more.  

Yes, the dog costs me money...and stress...and is a big responsibility.......but she sure makes my kids happy.  They are really doing a fine job with her.  

Our power did not come back on until 7:30 this morning.  I made the right call to have someone get us in our house.  I can't imagine leaving her in there all night.  

It was an interesting evening.....and a long (and kind of cold) night....

For my power being back on tonight....I am sooooo grateful!

Here's to 2009

It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone, and that is ok.  My kids are in Oklahoma (they come back tomorrow) and so I am enjoying my last little bit of "me" time.  If I am honest, I wish I weren't alone, but I am so I might as well be content with it.

I just installed a Carbon Monoxide alarm in my bedroom so I can sleep without worrying about my gas fireplace.  So, all should be well and safe in my home.

As I look towards 2009 here are some things I'd like to either do or do better (I am intentionally avoiding the term resolution--less accountable I guess):

1.  I want to get a passport.  I just might want to go somewhere someday and I want to be ready.

2.  I want to be less cautious.  

3.  I want to do better at teaching my kids spiritual truths and principles.

4.  I want to give more.  I am thinking of trying to do one generous thing a month for someone anonymously.  I want to teach my kids how to be givers.

5.  I want to take more risks in my work and find creative ways to do new ministry.

6.  I'd like to change some things in my house.  However, everything works fine and looks fine so it is hard to justify spending money when I don't really need it.  I guess I'd like some change just because it might feel like I was moving forward.  I know I am moving forward but my house reminds me of my past.

7.  I want to take better care of myself.  I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

8.  I want to continue my education and find ways to use my education and life experiences to fulfill the purpose God has for me.  I don't know exactly what that will mean but God seems to be giving me some new passions and desires. 

9.  I want to spend some one on one time with Braden.  I don't know if that will mean we take a short trip together or just that I make more of an effort to do special things with just him.  

10.  I want to rent a camper and take the kids camping.  No tent camping for me, thank you very much.  They have been wanting to do this and it's time I try to make that happen.

So, there it is....Here's to 2009.

Life and Gas Fireplaces

The kids are in Oklahoma with my family for a few days and so I am enjoying some much needed time alone.  I am studying for the NCE and trying to recover from a ridiculously busy holiday season.

Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom.  It's one of my favorite things about my house.  There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here). 

I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound.  I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide.  I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas.  The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got.  It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).

I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely.  I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.

I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey.  There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me.  I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living.  I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all.  I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.

The fear and dread of death has returned.  I don't want to die right now.  I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound).  I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill.  Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward.   I think that's a really, really, good thing.

Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment.  But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.

Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!

You know you are a widow when....

My mom asked me a few months back what I'd like for Christmas. I told her I wanted a cordless screwdriver/drill. It seems that every time I have to hang something up or put something together I have to borrow my neighbors.

So, I got a cordless screwdriver/drill for Christmas from my parents. And, I was thrilled. Until, I started looking at it and noticed it was a 12 volt....and I thought to myself, I wonder if that is powerful enough. Maybe I should return it and get an 18/24 volt for more power....

And...then, I smiled and laughed to myself....thinking, "did I really just think that?"

Yep, you know you are a widow when you ask for a tool for Christmas and then wonder if it is powerful enough....

My how life can change things....

Another first....

Well, Nathan and I had our first discussion about sex tonight. He's nine years old and it was a needed conversation. His cousin, who is nineteen, just shared the news with my family that his girlfriend is pregnant. Thus, I felt like I had to talk with Nathan before we went home for Christmas.

It really wasn't all that bad. It was a fairly brief talk with mostly general information.

I was concerned that his cousin Blake would tell him all about the situation and I wanted him to hear it from me and be able to answer his questions.

My parents are wonderful parents, but they never talked with me about sex. I want things to be different with my kids. I want them to feel open to talk about it and I want them to get correct information from me (instead of relying on faulty info from their friends).

I hope the door is now open for him to ask questions and get answers. The seminar that I attended this semester really convicted me that I needed to begin the dialogue with him.

Unfortunately, Tyler's situation has forced me to do that. I pray for him because he has some huge decisions to make. I also hurt for my brother and sister-in-law because this has been a difficult thing to work through.

If nothing else, I no longer fear or dread the conversation with my boys. It was actually a very positive experience and I look forward to doing things a little differently than my parents.

For another first....that wasn't too bad....I am grateful.

For Nathan....

One of the biggest reasons I blog is that I hope it provides a written legacy of the journey the kids and I have been on. My guess is that someday my kids will enjoy reading about what life was like when they were little.

So, today, this one's for you Nathan.....


Nathan,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Today was one of those days that God gave me a glimpse of how He has many great plans for you.

Today was our three-way conference at your school. Your teacher sat down with me and you to discuss your progress. The highlight of the conference for me was when Mrs. B. told us that you had scored a perfect score in science and you had the highest reading score in your class on your benchmark tests. Wow! Double Wow!

It's not important to me that you be "the best" in your class, it is important to be that you be "your best". You have worked hard to become an awesome reader.

I attended a presentation this week that outlined all the reasons you might struggle in school and in life because of the fact that you are being raised by a single parent. I was so discouraged after that presentation because I want you to reach your fullest potential and having only one living parent is definitely a disadvantage.

However, you have risen to the ocassion and have learned to overcome setbacks and obstacles. I remember the first three way conference that we had after your dad's death. Your teacher told us that you weren't behind in reading but you had slipped a little. You were in the middle of the pack....not the best reader, but also not the worst. She told us that she was confident you would make good progress and thought that considering all you had been through you were doing wonderfully.

Fast forward to today....3 1/2 years later...your teacher tells us that you scored the highest in reading in your class. This is an achievement that has never happened before. You have always done well but there have always been several kids ahead of you.

I couldn't be prouder of you.....reading didn't come easy for you. You really had to work at it. Now, you are soaring.

I am so very proud of you and I know God has great things in store for you....Think BIG!

Love,

Mom

Habakkuk

I stumbled across the book of Habakkuk today. It's not a book I have spent much time reading. I don't know that I ever have studied it, before today.

It's always amazing to me how God's Word is alive and timeless. Any time I earnestly study a passage, God speaks to me.

At this point in my life, the book of Habakkuk resonates with me for a variety of reasons:

1. Habakkuk was honest (brutally honest) with God about his questions related to God's sense of fairness and justice. Habukkuk didn't understand why God was allowing evil men to prosper. He questioned how God could allow evil to occur. It's the age old theolgoical debate, If God is good, why do bad things happen?

2. God responded to Habakkuk's plea for answers. He assured Habakkuk that He had a plan and that His plan would serve an eternal purpose. He reminded Habakkuk that justice will prevail and that He is sovereign. He also spoke truth about those who trust in anything but Him (ouch).

3. In Chapter 3 we see that Habakkuk recognized God's presence in His life, responded by worshipping God, and determined to trust God...even though things were bad, even though things weren't going well, Habukkuk said "yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength..."


Times are uncertain right now. It appears, at times, that evil is flourishing. The economic state of our country is a reflection of greed, dishonesty, poor management, and scandal. I have been reminded that we should never put our trust in what we "build" for ourselves. God can and will use "evil" to accomplish His purposes. I wonder how His purposes will be accomplished in the coming days, months and years.

It's interesting that Habakkuk describes God as Sovereign. If you read chapter one it looks like "sovereignty" is a huge issue for Habakkuk. Yet, by the end of the book, he uses it as a descriptor for God.

Habakkuk is going through an incredibly difficult time. His country is about to be attacked by the Babylonians. Yet, he pursues God, listens to God, and then determines to trust Him as a Sovereign God.....and he finds JOY in that.

Wow....I see an example for me to follow: 1). Be honest before God with my questions 2). Listen, really listen for God to respond (Habbukuk said he would wait until God spoke) 3). Trust God. Find joy in serving a Sovereign God.

This book serves as another reminder to me that it is ok to question God. Questioning God starts the conversation....it gets the dialogue going.....it brings us to the point of being ready to listen. God isn't surprised when we express the dissonance of serving a perfect God while living in a dying, evil world.

Like Job, Habakkuk allows His encounter with God to redefine his faith and provide hope for his life. My guess is that both Job and Habukkuk found a life of purpose and joy that never would have happened had they not endured evil, questioned God, listened to God's response, and purposed to trust God and His purposes.

I want to be like them.....help me trust, really trust in the sovereignty of God.....and may His joy become my strength.

Back to Reality....studying for the NCE

Now that this semester is almost over, it's time to focus on the NCE.  I have tentatively set January 8th as my exam date.  

For me, it's going to be very challenging.  Most people take the NCE right after they finish their master's degree.  Not me, it's been 10 years!  I found out the week of my graduation that I was pregnant with Nathan.  Needless to say, the NCE was the last thing on my mind for a few years.

But, now, it's time.  I'll finish up my client contact hours within the next couple of months (3,000 hours...it's taken over 4 years).  The only thing left to do is take the NCE.

I studied about 5 hours today and plan to spend most of the day tomorrow studying.  My kids left to go to Oklahoma today and so I will have until Tuesday to get a jump start on the studying.  Then, I guess I will try to allocate at least an hour every night to study.  

Hopefully, I can pass it.  I've never failed an important test but this one is quite intimidating.  The breadth of the material is overwhelming to me right now.

A new challenge....hope I can meet it.

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For this Thanksgiving...

Here we go...Shelly's Top Ten at Ten.....

10.  I am thankful for the opportunities for growth that have presented themselves this year.

9.  I am thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.

8.  I am thankful for my mom who has helped me during the busy times of school.  I am especially thankful that she is going with Nathan on an overnight field trip this week so I don't miss an oral exam.

7.  I am thankful that things in Granbury have improved and that most all of our issues have been resolved.

6.  I am thankful that the corporate tax returns are completely up to date.  This is a huge relief.

5.  I am thankful that it has been 3 1/2 years since Brian's death.  I am so grateful that most of the really hard grieving is over...and that we have made great strides to rebuild our life.

4.  I am thankful that we now have a routine and some rituals that work for us as a family.  We have created a good post-Brian life.

3.  I am thankful that I've begun to understand the really important things in life.....family, faith, love, and friendship.

2.  I am thankful for a good job, wonderful friends, and an incredible church family.

1.  I am thankful for the remnants of Brian that I get to enjoy on a daily basis....my children.

And one thing more....I am thankful for God and the way He has worked in my heart and life.  I do trust Him.....I don't understand Him, but I completely trust Him......

Even with the trust....I still wish I could catch a glimpse of my future....sometimes I think I am so content to just be the best mom I can be and not worry about anything else.  Other days, I realize how lonely I am....and wish I knew if I would ever get to experience marriage again....it's the not knowing that is sometimes hard.  The future is mysterious.....but my "present" is good...a little lonely, but life is still sweet.....it really is.

Hey Mom...

I was sitting in the car reading an email on my blackberry when Braden leaned over my shoulder and said "Hey mom, can you text God?"

This weekend his babysitter revealed the fun of texting people when she had the kids text me a message while I was in a meeting. I guess Braden thought if he could text me, then maybe we could text God.

I asked him what he would tell God if he texted Him. In typical Braden fashion he said something completely off the wall. He said "wood". Confused the heck out of me. I still can't figure out why he would want to text God "wood". I clarified what he meant and it was "wood" not "would".

A few seconds later he said, "no, maybe I would text ...I love you". And, that was enough to melt my heart for the evening.

You just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.....for all the smiles and joy he brings to my life, I am grateful.

Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........

Growth Point

I mentioned earlier this Fall that Nathan was struggling in school with his new teacher. Nathan really wanted me to get him transferred to another class. He cried many tears over his frustrations with this new teacher.

As a result, I had a conversation with the teacher and the principal about issues I was concerned about. It was uncomfortable and stressful. I don't like confrontation and I try to reserve complaints for the really big stuff. Teachers have enough stress without parents adding to it.

One of my fears was that I had set Nathan up for a hard year with his teacher. I thought maybe she would hold it against him and be harder on him. I also worried that I had turned into "one of those parents" that principals deal with on an all too frequent basis.

So, I worried that my relationship with the teacher and principal had been harmed and that Nathan might feel some effects of that.

Report cards came out this week and I was pleased and relieved when Nathan received his best report card yet. His teacher said the most kind things any teacher has ever said about him. I am proud of Nathan for overcoming his frustrations and working through the issues. I am thankful for a teacher that can listen to concerns, make adjustments and still be objective about the performance of a child in her class.

In addition, I received a letter in the mail from the principal inviting me to be a part of our "Campus Education Improvement Committee". This committee is made up of parents, teachers and community leaders and is by invitation of the principal. I look forward to being part of a group that supports, encourages and enhances the learning in our school. I have never wanted to be anything but supportive and so this Fall was a particularly difficult situation to be in. I am thankful that my fears and worries were unfounded and that the relationship with Nathan's teacher and the principal is strong.

This fall has been a growth point for both of us. It hasn't been easy or fun but I think we did it in a way that has helped us grow in our ability to address issues and work together towards a solution.

I'm especially proud of Nathan. One of the comments from his teacher was extra special. She said, "Nathan has such a sweet, gentle nature and these qualities are evident in the way he interacts with others." When I read that I thought to myself "he's just like his daddy". Brian was one of the kindest men I have ever known. I know he is proud of Nathan too.

For my children, I am grateful.....for the way they reflect their dad, I am blessed.

An unexpected blessing in disguise...

I would have been offended if someone had told me that Brian's death would actually bring our family closer....yet, today I realized the kids and I have bonded in an emotional and spiritual way that few families experience while their kids are so young.

The topic in class today was on the "heart connection" that is necessary for children to develop with their parents. For once, I walked away from class feeling like this was an area that we had some strength in as a family.

I do feel connected to my kids emotionally and spiritually. We have had some intense bonding times over the past 3 1/2 years.

When I think about feeling close to my own parents ,I think of those defining moments that usually occur around deaths, graduations, special milestones, failures, etc. I think I remember every time I have ever seen my dad cry. It was during those times when he was most vulnerable that I felt the most connected.

My kids (particularly Nathan and Lexi) have been exposed to my vulnerabilities to an extent that is not typical. We have cried together on numerous occasions....they have seen me cry more times than they will ever be able to remember....as a result, I believe the connnection is very strong.

To be sure, we have also had a lot of fun, happy, light times. We have not quit living over the past 3 1/2 years. We have made some incredible memories together. Those memories are treasured by all of us beause we understand how important it is to make memories.

In addition, my kids still have a strong heart connection with their dad....I am thankful that he invested in them heavily so that they have many memories to draw from when they want/need to feel connected with their dad.

A blessing in disguise was recognized today....we have worked hard (as hard as I have ever worked at anything in my life) to grow forward as a family and to express emotion with each other authentically....and I am grateful for the strong relationship that has developed with my kids (it's not perfect by any means, and there will be many tests of it as they get older....)....but, I do have a lot of hope and faith that my kids are going to be more than just ok.....and for that, I am grateful.

Fun Times with the Family....

We carved pumpkins this afternoon. The kids consider this another tradition that can't be dropped. I guess I enjoy it too. I don't like the mess it makes but the kids always look forward to it. This is proably the last Halloween that we will have the table in our backyard. I am having some trees cut down in my yard because they are dead and this table is on the list of things for them to haul off. The wood is splitting and rotted. I tried treating it a couple of years ago and it helped a little. Brian built this one summer and the kids think it is special because he made it. It is special, but it is also falling apart. I guess we'll figure out where the new pumpkin carving spot is next year....

We have had lots of interesting conversations lately. Braden has become the child who isn't afraid to bring any topic up. Whatever is on his mind, he asks about it or talks about it. There are no taboo topics for him....and that keeps life interesting for the rest of us.

Last night we talked about what I would do if God put a baby in my tummy, if I was going to get married again, and a few other uncomfortable issues. Braden doesn't accept the simple answers. He has to ask a millon questions in order to try to wrap his mind around it. He could not understand why God couldn't put a baby in my tummy right now. He apparently has decided he would like to be a big brother. We went round and round and round on this issue. I even heard myself say "Braden, Iam too old to have a baby....God wouldn't do that...." That one hurt a little....to be admitting that I am getting "older" and past the child-bearing stage....ouch.

No, I don't want anymore babies....for obvious reasons...but even if Brian were here I wouldn't be interested...it's nice to have moved past that stage in life. Although, I wouldn't trade it for the world....I just am glad we are past that....amen!

I emailed my paper off to my professors this afternoon. It sure felt good to be done with another major paper. I still have the presentation to prepare for and I have some ideas but not sure I can make it all happen. I found a great Saturday Night Skit but I can't figure out how to download it to my computer. My paper is on overindulgence and entitlement. http://www.hulu.com/watch/38477/saturday-night-live-update-thursday-fix-it-109
(the "fix it" skit is midway through the video....you'll know you are there when Oscar Rogers comes on as the financial advisor for the weekend update)


The link above takes you to the skit... It's a reflection of the entitlement our country suffers from...we want someone else to fix it and we want it done NOW....and no one wants to take responsibility for their own bad choices...we just want the government to rescue us all....but that's not really what the paper is about, it's more about overindulgence and entitlement in families....

I have learned a lot by writing this paper....my kids have gotten several lectures from me...one of them was tonight. They have actually responded very well to some of the talks we have had. I am sure when they grow up the will need counseling from all the "by the way kids, I learned something today that I want us to talk about...." type conversations that we have been having.

Lots of fun times with the family lately....for that (and being done with my paper) I am grateful.

Meet "Shelly the Plumber"

My job description grew today when I put on my plumber's hat and made quite a memory with the kids.

I was peeling carrots for the soup I am making for tomorrow's dinner for supper club. Instead of putting the peels in the trash I opted for the easy way and decided to put them down the disposal. Bad choice. As a result, my sink got clogged and I was faced with a plumbing issue that had to be solved.

I tried several things to try to unclog the sink. I sent Braden to get the plunger and even tried using it multiple times with no results.

By this time the crowd had gathered and the kids were curious as to what I was doing.

Without any hesitation I decided to look under the sink and try to figure out what was going on. Imagine me with my head stuck under the sink and all three kids peering in trying to see what I was doing. It would have been a priceless picture.

I quickly (and I was so impressed with myself) realized what the issue had to be. It had to be that the pipe was clogged from the disposal to the main pipe. I knew this because I ran water down the other side of the drain and it did not get clogged.

So, I asked Braden to go get me a really big towel. I anticipated that I might have some water come out when I disconnected the pipe. Again, yeah for me for even thinking that, right?

Well, as soon as I got the pipe disconnected it showed carrot peelings crammed so tight that water could not get through it. I celebrated my find and began unpacking the carrot peelings. All the while I was bragging on myself to the kids....Look how mom figured this out....yeah mom!

Well, what I did not anticipate was the amount of water that would come gushing out once the carrot peelings were removed. Water SURGED out of the pipe and flooded the area under the sink, soaked my jeans and sent the kids running for cover.

My immediate reaction (after I yelled for them to go get lots of towels...BIG towels) was to laugh hysterically. And then the kids started laughing.....

At some point in this widow journey it became ok to laugh about the predicaments I find myself in instead of crying over them. I remember the first year or so every time something went wrong in the house I felt helpless and frustrated that he wasn't there to help me.

Now, most of the time, when something like this happens I find myself jumping in and trying to figure out....and then laughing at myself if I don't or if things don't go quite the way I expected.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be "Shelly the plumber"....but since I have to be, we might as well have fun at it....


For good laughs and great memories, I am grateful.

I wondered today....

I was outside doing some yard work when, for some reason, the thought hit me "I wonder what Brian would think if he pulled into our driveway and walked in the front door?" I don't know why I sometimes have these odd thoughts that begin to take me down a thought process that is interesting and sometimes emotional.

I wondered what he would notice as being different and what would seem familiar?

Would he compliment me on the flower beds or the lawn? Would he realize what a stretch it has been for me to try to take care of it all? Would he notice some of the new flowers and bushes that I put in that look so nice right now?

Would he be surprised to learn that I had gone back to school? Would he question why I put the kids in piano lessons (especially Nathan since I am sure he would rather see him doing "sports")?

Would he think its cool that we have developed a Friday night tradition that includes pizza (his family tradition growing up) and a movie (his favorite thing to do)? The kids insist that we do this EVERY Friday....if we don't, they want it done on Saturday night.

What would he think about Nathan's longer hair? Actually, I think he would be proud that I have allowed him a little bit of freedom in that area.

How would he like the new bedding and curtains in our bedroom?

What would he think about the car I purchased this year?

And the questions in my mind kept popping up....

Why?

Why do I wonder what he might think?

Because I still love him and hope that he would be proud of the life I have tried to rebuild.....Because of the love that he gave me I want to continue to think about him sometimes....I want to wonder what he would think....I want to imagine him being proud of us....and maybe laughing at us about a few things.....like the cordless weedeater and blower I bought, I am sure he would get a good laugh about that. And, I am darn good at using those two cordless items. I don't like doing it and my allergies hate me for it, but I have learned to be rather competent at the yardwork.....


For the gift of memories and the blessing of love, I am grateful....profoundly grateful.

The Pressure Is On....

I am feeling the stress of trying to be a student, mom and employee. Thankfully, by the end of October most of the stress will be relieved (for school anyways). I am finding it increasingly difficult to carve out large blocks of time necessary to really pump out the work. Just about the time I get in a groove in writing my paper something else has to take precedence.

I'm not complaining. I still love school. It challenges me and I am benefiting from the personal growth it has demanded. I am thankful for the opportunity, it's just difficult to really focus on anything for longer than a couple of hours.

One of the things I most appreciate about the opportunity to go to school is that every time I go to class and hear a presentation I am challenged to evaluate myself, my parenting, my spiritual life, my professional life, etc. I am often reminded of areas that need to be improved or made aware of issues that I hadn't considered.

However, there's still a lot of unanswered questions for me about my purpose and future. Sometimes I feel like the Karate Kid. I feel like I am being asked to do a lot of things that aren't completely obvious to me why I am doing them....but I keep waxing on, waxing off...trusting that God has a plan. I know I am going to school to learn but I have no idea how this fits into God's purpose for my life. So, I just keep training....putting in the work in hopes it will some day pay off.

The pressure is definitely on....I've got 9 pages written out of 30 and it's due in 3 weeks. Add to that three children who have 9 millon needs and a job that always keeps me hopping....the result is some significant stress....

For the month of November....I will be so grateful.

Another Lexi Story....

Lexi is going through a real growing season spiritually. We have had some of the best discussions lately. I am thankful for the way her faith has become visible to me.

Today, in church, our pastor talked about events in our lives that are seered into our memories as spiritual markers. I didn't get to hear the whole sermon but I did hear some of it. I also noticed that people were carrying out small stones afterwards. I asked Lexi what she learned in church today (she sat in church with Miss Laura) and what the stone was for.

She told me that the stone was to remind her of what God did for us. I asked her what her stone reminded her of. She very quickly answered that it reminded her of how God helped us when daddy died.

I couldn't help but be touched by that. At this point in her life, the one thing that she knows God has done for us is that He helped us through her daddy's death. Wow. Only God can do that. Only God can allow something so tragic to be a defining point in a child's faith. Lexi knows God was with us.....what more could I ask or hope for.

I feel especially grateful for God's presence in our lives....

The clouds are lifting....

I am grateful that over the past week or so God has showed Himself to me in several different ways. I have needed that. It has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my disposition.

One of the most difficult things for me continues to be the absence of the "voice of reason". Brian was always able to let me vent about work and help me sift through what was true and what was imagined. I miss that so much. I try to work through issues in my head but it just isn't the same. I honestly don't know how to learn to compensate for that. There is a limit to what others can do for me. They have their own lives and their own needs and issues. I can't rely on other people for that or I fear I will wear out our friendship.

I've learned to use a weedeater, buy parts for my lawnmower, manage a commercial building, negotiate with contractors, and juggle my schedule to squeeze out every last minute of available working and studying time. But, I can't figure out how to bridge that emotional gap that exists without a spouse. I can't be what Brian was to me. I can't encourage myself and affirm myself. I can't do that.

I don't know what to do about that. But I am learning some things not to do....maybe after that list is made what I can do will become more obvious.

Work has smoothed out. After having a week where all I heard was complaints, I had the opposite happen this week. Random people shared compliments about the ministry that served to encourage me. I am finding some new passions within my responsibilities. I see some opportunities to minister that excite me. I've had some luck enlisting some additional volunteers and made some adjustments in areas that needed it. God has been good to me. His timing seems a little delayed but that's from my perspective. I was reminded this week that God is always at work (John 5:17). I needed that reminder.

My role as a landlord/building manager has taken a positive turn. The relationship that has developed between me and my tenant is nothing short of miraculous. There has been a complete turn-around (f0r the better) in that relationship. I have been able to take care of some issues lately and in turn that has boosted my confidence in myself. My tenant has been complimentary (holy cow that is amazing) of my performance in managing the building. I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the guy who was managing my building prior to March 2008. I see now what a lousy job he was doing. I was too fragile to deal with it before then. It was too much for me to even consider. Now, I actually enjoy some of it. I like taking care of my own business. It feels empowering. I have a stronger sense of ownership now (which is silly because I have always owned the building) and I take pride in the way it looks and the way it is being taken care of.

Lexi and I are having some good discussions about what it means to follow Christ. We attended a musical at our church on Sunday night. Braden was a major handful to keep contained and my attention was constantly being averted to him. In the meantime, I noticed Lexi writing a note. I asked her about it later. She went and got an offering envelope that she had folded up and showed it to me. At first, she wouldn't show it to me or tell me about it. She said "it was very important" and she didn't want to talk about it. After some prodding she opened it up and it said "To: Mom From: Lexi I want to ask God into my heart". This was another reminder to me that God was at work in our family. We have talked about it each night this week and I believe she is very close to making that decision. Actually, she wants to do it now but I have been slowing her down a bit to make sure she understands the importance of the decision. I've asked her to find 3 people to interview about when they decided to follow Christ. She has a couple of questions she is supposed to ask them. After she does that I told her we would talk about it again. I am praying that God will continue to work in her life and that I will know how to guide her through this process. Over the years I have helped hundreds of kids accept Christ...this is what I have looked forward to since becoming a parent....leading my own children to Christ.....what a huge responsibility and blessing.


.....yes, the clouds are lifting....and for that, I am soooooo grateful.

Seasons and Change

We've begun to catch a small glimpse of the season change that is coming here in Texas. Granted, our seasons are very mild and we tend to live in two or three seasons at once. Texas is a great place to live if you aren't too fond of extreme seasonal changes.

I've been thinking about this concept of "seasons" a lot today. If I look at my life I can recognize many different seasons of life, love and ministry. Most of those seasonal changes came with very little warning and some of the seasons I have experienced have been extreme and harsh.

In terms of my life right now, I have begun to realize that I really have very little control over the seasons of my life. I certainly did not choose to be in this season of single parenting, yet that is where I am at.

One of the things that I have thought about today is that while we can't control the seasons (of nature or of our life), we can adapt and adjust to them. There are certain things that we do to prepare for the season of winter. We put covers over our faucets, we check the heating unit, we put pre-emergent down (learned that just this year), etc. We prepare for it because we know these adjustmets need to be made in order to benefit from the seasonal change.

I find myself struggling to make the adjustments necessary to benefit from the change of seasons in my own life. I am still trying to act as though it is Spring in my life....when really, it's winter. It's foolish of me not to recognize that things have changed and so must I.

I came home from work today at lunch and cried a good long cry. I found myself standing in the kitchen crying out to God in a similar way I found myself the day Brian died. I told God, just like I told everyone that day, "I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do"....

I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what is best for my kids right now. I really don't know what is best for me.

The only thing that keeps running through my head is this...."a new season was forced on me....I need to make adjustments....and realize that Spring will be here again....but not until the work of winter is done"

God, I thank you for seasons of life, love and ministry. Help me to recognize the adjustments that need to be made and give me the courage to make those changes.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place...

I am usually a very stable person. I don't get too excited and I don't get too depressed about many things. I guess I could be seen as boring and hard to read. I have a difficult time expressing what I am feeling so I usually just keep it to myself.

Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. I'm really not comfortable functioning that way. It's very frustrating and disconcerting.

I feel "different". I am struggling to know where I fit in anymore. I don't feel single but it is becoming painfully more obvious that I have less and less in common with married people. I find myself having negative feelings about the difference in my life and in the life of others. Maybe it's delayed anger. It makes me a little angry that my list of responsibilities has gotten so long. I guess I am just struggling with the life that I now have and wondering why I am in this position...a.k.a. "why isn't life a little more fair"?

On the other hand, I know we have made such great progess. I believe my kids are going to be more than just ok. We have our good days and bad days, but I don't think they are suffering much more than any other average kid in America. I also truly believe that I have done my best to work through this loss and that eventually the sun will shine again....brightly!

I go from "knowing" this is where I am supposed to be to "questioning" myself mercilessly.

Spiritually, I am trying to put myself in a position where I am as close to God as I can possibly be so that I will be able to follow His lead. It's not always easy to make the time necessary to hear His voice. My life is so noisy right now. I've got to find those quiet moments and treasure them. I've worked on that this week and I plan to continue to pursue Him until I am confident in His direction for my life.

The kids are doing well in school and Braden seems to be doing much better. We have established a routine and I am trying to be more deliberate about teaching them principles from the Bible. Tonight we had "family time" and we talked about Ephesians 6. Of course I had to emphasize the "honor" your parents part, but it is also a chapter about doing your best as though you are doing it for God. I see some sloppiness in their efforts and so I challenged them to do their best even when they don't feel like it.

I guess the bottom line is that there are just a lot of "unsettled" feelings right now. It's not depression so much as it is confusion and uncertainty. I am praying God will help me sift through the issues that cause those feelings and make wise choices.

I want to be nothing less than obedient to God and His call on my life. God, give me the courage to do that.

An eventful day....

This is a picture of some roses that were delivered to the office this afternoon for me. I tried to count how many there were and I stopped at 70. I have never seen so many roses in one vase. The card said it was in appreciation for what you do for our little ones and was signed from FBC Preschool Parents. I don't know what to say. I have been discouraged lately. I am so thankful for the position that God has given me and for the way the church has ministered to me and the kids over the years. I feel unworthy of such a gift. I am humbled and reminded of God's goodness in my life, even in the midst of great struggle He is there.

The kids and I ended up celebrating Brian's birthday a little differently that we had in the past. One of the best traits about Brian was his generosity. He was a giver and often helped people in tangible ways. I shared with the kids a story about one time when he delivered a gift to someone and left it on their front porch for them to find when they came home. He never told the people that he did it and I remember being so proud of him and his thoughtfulness (the family had their clothes dryer go out and they needed a new one but didn't have the money...so he went to Best Buy and loaded one up in his pickup and dropped it off at their house while they were gone). To this day they don't know that he did that.

The kids liked that story and so I told them I wanted to do something for someone else in honor of their dad's birthday. We chose a family in our church who has taken in 6 children. We went to Target and bought a basket full of stuff that they could use. We drove it out to their house and I let the kids deliver it.

We then came home and ate Brian's favorite cake with some good friends.

It was simple....but a good day.

I hope the kids will remember the joy they got from being generous. I hope they will grow up to be generous like their dad.

I was still sad today. I hate it that he isn't here. But, it was an ok day.

I think Brian would have been pleased to see what we did today.

It wasn't a perfect day any means.....the kids were grumpy at times and I was impatient....but we muddled through it and made a new memory of giving.

For Brian's life and the lessons he taught us....I am grateful.

Tomorrow's his birthday....

If Brian were still alive he would be 39 tomorrow.

I've made no plans to celebrate his birthday. I just don't have the energy or desire to do so this year. I've talked with the kids about some ideas for how we could honor him on his birthday. But, I haven't decided what to do yet.

Part of me wants to do nothing. I just don't want to go there.

The other part of me thinks I will regret it if I do nothing.

My kids are expecting something.

Maybe I will delay it to the weekend. Brian's parents are coming in for grandparents day on Thursday. Last year we did a nice dinner. I don't plan to try to recreate that.

I'm just not sure what to do....and I am not sure why I feel so ambivalent about it.

Experience has taught me that I will know what to do when it gets here....things have usually fallen into place or become obvious.

Why do I want to pretend tomorrow is just another day? What does that say about me? What would be best for the kids?

Until tomorrow....praying I will know how to handle it....

Think Big

A couple of weeks ago I told the kids I wanted us to adopt the motto "Think Big" for this school year. I had read a book by the same name about a man who grew up in less than ideal circumstances (raised by a single mom), yet was able to become one of the best brain surgeons in the world.

I am not under the delusion that one of my kids is going to become a top brain surgeon. I was, however, challenged by this book and convicted that I needed to push the kids a little more. This book, in combination with some other books I am reading for a paper, has caused me to review how I was parenting and what adjustments might need to be made.

So, here are some of the changes that we have made over the past 2-3 weeks:

1. No television in the mornings before school.
2. No televison on Sundays at all.
3. Television during the week is much more limited. They can watch one 30 minute show in the afternoon and one show in the evening.
4. Each week-night they are to do 30 minutes of "Think Big" time. This is time when they do something above and beyond what they are being asked to do in school. For Nathan, we have been focusing on multiplication facts. For Lexi, we have been learning 100 spelling words that are frequently used in 2nd grade. For both of them, they may practice piano or practice typing with the typing program I have for them to learn to type on the computer. Nathan is also allowed to draw during this time.
5. We are going running/walking or doing some type of physical activity every evening that weather permits and we aren't already committed to an activity.
6. They have to help me set the table and clean up the dishes after the evening meal.
7. When we come home from school they have to pick up their rooms before they can watch television.
8. They have to read every night before they go to bed (this has been true for a long time and isn't really anything new).

We have been doing most of this for about two weeks now. They are finally to the point where they don't mind it and they comply without expressing their lack of enthusiasm.

My favorite change has been the absence of television and the noise it creates. I actually considered unplugging the television from the back and just telling the kids it no longer worked. I decided I couldn't lie to them but I could determine how much they watched. It wasn't that they watched it all the time...we still had limits.....but, it seemed like it had became one of the most important things to them.

One thing I have noticed is that I have shifted my parenting focus more to trying to "teach" them to become independent. I find myself "showing" them how to do more things and encouraging them to learn new skills so that they can handle things on their own. It is a very cool experience to see them begin to take on responsibility and be successful at it.

I am also trying to make decisons about how I spend my time more carefully. I can't do everything that a two-parent family can. I have said "no" to some things or chosen not to get involved in things that create more stress for my family. It's not that I don't want to do all the things that I used to be able to do...it's that I can't. I can't cook a meal for every family that has a baby or go to every shower that I get invited to. I no longer feel guilty about having to say "no". I think for quite a while I tried to do everything that I always did....I tried to be a single parent who could do things that two-parent families can do....and I now realize that that is unrealistic.

I still care about people and want to be generous and want to serve....I just can't do it the same way. As the kids get older I am certain I will be able to do more....for now, I just can't.

I think this is just part of "rebuilding" our life. I am more aware of the issues that I struggle with and I am now able to make better decisions for our family.

I like that we are "thinking big" this year.....I think that is progress....

A first....

Nathan is in fourth grade. He has always been a good student and received high marks for his behavior from every teacher he ever had. One time in kindergarten he had to sign the "sad" book. After that, he has never had a note sent home and never had a behavior issue. His teacher last year made the comment to me that "she wished she had a room full of Nathan's".

However, tonight, as I was putting him to bed, he shared with me that he had been in trouble several times this week (his definition of trouble is being called down in front of the class for an infraction of a rule). He struggled to tell me about it and there were many tears. It's perplexing to me. The things that he got called out on were very minor issues but he feels like he has gotten off to a bad start with his teacher.

As a parent, I know my child and I know that this is not a reflection of who he really is. This may be a reflection of a rough start but not a reflection of a deep character issue. I try really hard not to be blind to issues with my kids. As a matter of fact, if it had been the other two kids that told me this I wouldn't have been so perplexed about it, particularly if it was Braden. My kids have never been perfect nor do I expect them to be. However, this just doesn't fit who Nathan is...something is not right.

It's hard to know how to handle issues like this. I reminded him that every other teacher he has ever had has had high praise for him. I encouraged him to keep trying to rise to her standards and to realize that he has to respect her whether he likes her or not. He mentioned wanting to be in another teacher's class and I told him that was not an option. I am a firm believer in kids learning to cope and adjust in all learning situations. This may be a first but it won't be the last time he struggles with a teacher and he needs to learn to adapt.

But, my heart hurts for him. He wants to be successful in school and it is important to him to follow the rules.

I prayed with him tonight and we had a very personal prayer time about this specific situation. I will be praying for him tomorrow that he has a better day. I am hopeful that this is just a bump in the road and not the beginning of a very long and frustrating year.

Parenting is so hard...and I am sure this is minor in comparison to some of the stuff we will eventually deal with....

Lexi's 5 Things in a Bag

It's back to school time. One of Lexi's first assignments was to bring a bag of 5 things that were important to her to share with her class as an introduction. Here is what she brought and what she wrote about each one of them:

1. Picture of the four of us at the beach this summer.

2. Bible

3. Wooden House (small)

4. Picture of her friends at her birthday party.

5. Picture of her and her dad at a Father/Daughter Banquet.

Her words:

"This is the family I love so much. This is the house I couldn't live without. This is the Bible that teaches me what is right and what is wrong. These are my friends that I like so much. This is my dad who now lives in heaven where he is being taken care of. He took me to fun places that I loved so much. I will love him always no matter what."

I tried to give her some editorial input but she was insistent about every word she wrote....gotta love her for that. She has her own ideas and knows what is important to her...and for that I am grateful.

Dear God, I quit.

How's that for a blog post?

While I know that I am not alone, it sure feels like it. And, unless God can help me do laundry, keep the house, or a million other practical things I am pretty much on my own for the forseeable future.

Seriously, I know that God' presence is the only thing that I can depend upon. But, I can't depend on Him to shoulder some of the workload I have. Spiritually speaking, He's here and I am so thankful for His presence in my life. Practically speaking, it's just me to handle everything related to my family of four. And, if I hear one more person tell me how much they need a break or a nap....I might just throw up.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I am. I don't like being in this whiney mode. It's not me, but it's where I am at right now.

Some of the workload that I have is by my choice. Some of it is by necessity. I struggle to know how to make decisions related to what I choose and what I don't. There are times (and this is one of them) that I ask myself why am I continuing to live in Texas where I have no extended family to help me and the kids. I have chosen to live 5 hours from my family.....I have chosen to push myself to work and go to school. I have chosen to stay in our home and try to maintain a similar standard of living. Maybe I need to rethink some of my choices.

Or, maybe I just need a good nights sleep....and some time to get over this funk....

What I really need is wisdom....God give me wisdom to make decisions that reflect your desire for my life. I don't want to quit, not really....I just want to know that there is a purpose for all that I am doing....I don't mind struggling....I just want to make sure it is the right struggle....

Feeling down....

This week has been an oddly "down" week. With the exception of getting the tax returns done, I have been on edge and stressed the whole week. My kids neeeeeed to go back to school. They have pushed me close to the edge the past few weeks.

I can't quite figure it out. It's not sadness or grief. It's just exhaustion I think. Work has been stressful as we are getting ready for promotion and I have had that hanging over my head for weeks. I am still short some volunteers and that always makes it difficult. I had a hard time getting the help that I needed to even get promotion done. If there was anything that could go wrong or any delay that could happen, it did. I feel less confident about how Sunday is going to go than I have in a long time. Yet, I know I have done everything in my power to get the job done.

I am frustrated that I am doing this alone. It's not a job meant for just one person. It's very difficult to keep all the plates spinning. I am tired of running from plate to plate.

Little things that people say or do irritate me right now. I don't really feel like myself.

I am just down....tired...frustrated...on edge....and lonely.

Some closure...

Tomorrow morning I will mail off the tax returns that have been haunting me for the past three years. My CPA finally finished the 2005 and 2006 corporate returns today.

When Brian died and left his business for me to deal with it was a complete and total nightmare. I can't even begin to describe all of the junk that I had to work through and deal with. It was awful! If there is one thing that I am sure Brian would say that he regretted it would be that he left me to deal with so many issues that I knew nothing about.

It will feel wonderful to mail those returns off. The stress and strain that all that created is finally going to be over with. I will not (hopefully) be getting any more nice reminders from the IRS that we haven't filed the returns. I am relieved and elated that this part of the journey is over.

Yes, I still have a business to run with the rental properties....but I don't have to worry about whether or not we will be able to get the tax returns figured out and filed. And, I have learned a lot along the way. I still can't wait for the party that I will throw someday when I sell the commercial property that has given me so much grief. It will be one heck of a party!!!!!

Closure is a good thing. I am done. It is over. There are no more mysteries to solve. There is nothing left hanging over my head. It is done.


For that.....I am SOOOOO very thankful!

Parenting thoughts....

Just some random thoughts....


Nathan has established a new relationship with the mirror, gel, and my hair-dryer. It seems we have crossed over into the realm of "caring about our hair". I'm not sure I am ready for this. I have a new hair-dryer on my Target list for this week. Sharing just isn't working.

I bought some new hair products the other day. The kids have been mesmerized by them. Who would have thought a new brand of gel, some new shampoo and conditioner, and some frizz-ease/shine enhancer would get so much attention from the kids. They LOVE the conditioner....what a sheltered life they have lived.....they think its some kind of treat.....

Braden remains a huge challenge. Today has been especially difficult. One of the things that is missing is that I have no ally in parenting him. There is no one to put him in his place when he is disrespectful to me. Instead, I have to constantly take up for myself and remind him to be respectful to me. I do my best to stick up for myself...but, tonight, I am just tired of battling with him. I desperately need an ally.....and yet I know that isn't going to happen. I am somewhat discouraged right now with him. Hopefully, this is just another rough patch for him...one that we will both grow through....

I'm doing a paper this semester on "entitlement and overindulgence". Needless to say, the reading that I am doing is giving me pause for thought in how I parent. One of the things that has struck me as significant is that I am going to work on only doing for my kids what they cannot do for themselves. If they are developmentally capable of doing something I am going to ask them to do it. They can pick up their dirty clothes, take their plates to the counter, pack their own lunches, etc. Sometimes it is just easier for me to do it, but that prevents them from learning and accepting responsibility. I think it is probably a fine line between challenging kids to grow and frustrating them. However, for me, I tend not to let them get frustrated....and sometimes a little frustration does them a lot of good.

Not sure all that makes sense, but the reading I am doing has been thought-provoking and challenging.....maybe by the time I write the paper it will make more sense and be more coherent.


Until then....

A Letter to my Younger Self

Letter to myself, Jun 17, 2005 (35 years old)
From Shelly at age 38


Dear Shelly,

You woke up this morning with a different identity than you started with yesterday. I know that you feel like you have had the rug jerked completely out from under you. Let me reassure you and offer you some hope for this moment.

1. You are about to experience love and support like you have never felt before. I believe this is God's way of showing Himself to you during this horrific experience. Every kind deed, every prayer uttered in your behalf, and every generous act of love should be a reminder to you and your children of how much God loves and cares for you.

2. Your children will work through this loss and will learn some valuable lessons along the way. It's not that they won't be affected, they will. They will hurt and they will miss out on the benefit of a two-parent family. However, they will also learn how to rise to the occassion when the chips are down. They will grow to appreciate things that other children have never had to struggle with. It is during times of struggle that growth most often occurs. Your children will be given many opportunities to grow through this.

3. Your family will also rise to the occasion. Trust your dad to help you along the way. Don't be afraid to allow them to help you. They will provide some key wisdom as you deal with many issues you never dreamed you would have to deal with.

4. Brian's mom and dad need you to continue a relationship with them. Although it may be awkward, stay invested with them. They love you and the kids and want the best for you. Give yourself time to heal before you make decisions about how to establish a post-Brian relationship with them.

5. Take it one minute at a time. Don't think too far in the future. This is going to be a marathon experience so don't treat it like its a sprint that will be over soon. You are in for a long, hard fought journey. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Trust God that He will give you wisdom and discernment. Don't be obsessed with worry. Worry is the price you pay in advance for things that rarely ever occur. You will have the tendency to want to take on the worry of this accident. It will not help anything to be so focused on what you might lose. Instead, focus on grieving your loss and rebuilding your life.

6. This journey will make you a different person with different goals and different passions. Embrace the new dreams God gives you. Don't be afraid to take a risk in changing. Understand that the same God who is taking care of you right now will continue to provide for you all that you will need to do what He has called you to do.

7. Don't be hurt by some of the awkward and inappropriate things people may say to you. Everyone means well, they just don't know what to say or do. Don't be surprised if friendships change or disappear. You are no longer the you that everyone once knew. It will take some time for you to figure out who you are and there will be some people who aren't that interested in the new you. Don't take it personal. On the other hand, you will also find that some of your friends will surprise you at how well they are able to support you and continue a similar relationship. Treasure the friends that God gives you to help you through this.

8. Never, ever, never engage in a conversation with a carpet cleaner....don't ask why, just don't!

9. Realize that you will need help working through this. You may have a master's degree in marriage and family counseling but that doesn't exempt you from needing some major help dealing with this loss. Don't be surprised if you have to completely rethink how you think about God. This experience will cause you to have to question every belief you ever had. However, in the end, your faith will be the foundation upon which you begin rebuilding your life.

10. Understand that you will never get over this. This event will forever impact you and your children. The goal should not be to get over it. Instead, focus all of your efforts on getting through this. There is no getting around the pain and grief you are about to experience. However, I can tell you that this intense pain will not last forever. You will laugh again. You will make some great memories with your children. And, you will be able to look back on this experience and know that it is only because of God's grace and provision that you were able to make it as far as you will some day make it.

Above all else, know that God is with you in this very moment. Psalms tells us that "He is close to the broken-hearted". He's so close to you right now, so very close...and someday you will be able to look back and trace His hand of grace through the people of your church, community and family.

Trust me when I say this, you and your children will be more than just ok....you will rebuild a beautiful life....it won't be easy and you may wish things were different....but through this experience you will learn that life is beautiful, if we but choose to recognize, embrace and treasure that beauty.

What was I thinking?

This afternoon I was getting dinner ready when I looked out my kitchen window and saw a beat up old truck with a trailer pull next to the curb in front of my house. Two rather shady looking men got out. One of them came up to my door and rang the doorbell. Since I had seen them pull up I told my kids not to answer the door because I didn't know who it was. I had to chase Braden down to keep him from answering the door. We all stood there frozen waiting for them to leave. Instead, the man knocked again and rang the doorbell again. Braden dashed over to the door before I could stop him but didn't open it. I scolded him and told him to get back in the living room. He complied but the man had now seen that we were home because Braden made himself fully visible to the man.

The man continued to ring the doorbell and knock. After about 5 rings and 5 knocks I told the kids to go out in the backyard. At this point, the kids are starting to be a little bothered by it too. I stood by the back door waiting to see if they were ever going to leave. My plan was to run out the back door if they tried to force their way in and take the kids out the back gate.

I kept watching and waiting to see what they were going to do. The longer this went on, the more unnerved I felt. They kept ringing the doorbell and knocking. The last straw came when they pushed the doorbell 5 times in a row .. You know, the kind of thing you do when your brother locks you out of your house. My fear then turned into anger. I couldn't believe that these two men were being as obnoxious as they were about getting me to answer the door.

So, I decided I would go out my back door and through the back gate and talk to them from a distance on the front lawn. I came around the corner and one of the men pointed at the other guy and said "here she is". I stayed about 15 feet from them. The man started to tell me that he was a tree service company and.....I interrupted him and said "I'm not interested and I don't appreciate you ringing my door bell so much. If I had wanted to answer it I would have answered a long time ago." They backed off and turned and went to their truck. I didn't hear what they said but I am sure that I was called some sort of ugly name.

It wasn't until after I walked into the house that I realized that probably wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done. What was I thinking? What if I ticked them off and they decide to come back and harrass me again or worse.....not a real wise reaction. My plan was not to be rude to them but that is what happened.

I was angry that they were messing with me and my kids. I was angry that they wouldn't quit ringing my doorbell. My anger cancelled out my fear....until afterwards when I started thinking about what I had just done....

I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I did that. They were large, stocky, rough looking men. I wouldn't have stood a chance with them.

My explanation, I guess, is that you don't mess with a mother and her children....and when it comes down to it, I would fight off anyone I had to to keep my kids safe. And...sometimes, I make foolish choices when I let my anger drive my actions.....

I talked with my neighbor afterwards about it and we decided to get my alarm system functioning. Next time, I'll hit the panic button on my alarm and watch them run for cover....ha!

Swimming anyone?

I went in to see how Braden's bath was going and here is what I found.....just had to snap a picture of him and his goggles....

What to say....

It's been an extremely busy past couple of weeks. Mom was here for a week (woohoo) and then my neighbor's 40th birthday party at my house and now, VBS.

Mom being here was a huge blessing. It's been a long time since she came and stayed a full week. I had forgotten what it was like to have an extra set of hands 24/7. We took the kids school shopping and got them everything they need in one afternoon trip. I was pumped!

Vacation Bible School started last night, and, for the first time since Brian's death, I felt like I really contributed to VBS. We had a community luau and the turnout was better than I had hoped for...it was a highlight in ministry for me. I guess that as I am getting older and more self-aware (ha, ha, that sounds pretty corny) I realize that there are certain things I am good at and certain things that I am terrible at. While are many things I am terrible at, there are a few things that I love doing and can usually be successful at. Planning a big event and pulling a team of people together to make it happen is my favorite thing in minstry to do. I love to see other people use their gifts and shine. Last night was beautiful to watch and very fulfilling to be a part of. I realize that we can't always do what we love, but it sure is fun and cool to see how God can use our gifts to glorify Him.

Personally, for me, it was a victory to get back in the game at VBS. It was a milestone in healing...yes, I will always think of Brian's death when VBS comes around. However, last night was a deliberate and intentional attempt to say 'I want VBS to be about VBS...not about my loss or the feelings that overwhelm me'. I don't know that anyone else but me can understand what I am trying to say....I just know that I want to disconnect VBS from Brian's death, and last night was a huge step forward in doing that.

I am extremely grateful for God's work in my life. I am thankful that He gives us time to heal, and that He can use us even when we are broken.