Letting Go...Enjoying change

Change is something I usually avoid.  This has always been true of me, but it has been especially true of me since Brian died.  Fortunately, I was married to someone who thrived on change and risk.  The result was a somewhat balanced approach to life.  The tension of our two extremes kept us somewhere in the middle.  

Since Brian's death I have fought to keep many things the same.  I chose to stay in our home, I chose to stay in Texas, to keep our kids in the same schools, and to continue working in my same job.  I worked hard to keep the outside of our house looking like Brian was still taking care of it.  I tried to take many of the same vacations that we used to take, to keep many of our traditions the same, and to give my kids what I thought he would be giving them if he were still here.

It's been a lot of work to fight "change".  To be sure, it has been beneficial for my kids to have a similar environment and to have stability and certainty in their life.  

However, I'm not sure it works for us anymore.  I am finding that letting go makes change more necessary and enjoyable.

Change has become energizing for me.

I have made some major changes in the past few weeks....and I survived it and have even enjoyed it.

It's almost as if now the "rebuilding" is really start to take shape.

I just finished my first year of residency in the Phd program.  I have a 4.0 GPA.  I took a risk, made some changes in how I spend my free time and worked my tail off.  The work paid off and I am so proud.  Brian always wanted me to get my PhD....he would be proud too.

My home now looks different on the inside.  I am slowly rebuilding our home to fit "us".

I chose not to take the kids on a snow-skiing trip this winter.  This is the first year since Brian's death that we have missed it.  I have no regrets.  Ski vacations are not a single parent vacation.  Someday, we'll do it again.  But, for now, it's too much for me to handle and enjoy.

I am talking to someone on Monday about doing my lawncare for the next year.  I'm burned out on being the "lawn girl".  This is a change I KNOW I am going to enjoy!

I suppose I could go on and on about things that I am changing....the main point is that I am no longer avoiding or fearing change.  I am no longer in a defensive position....I am on the offense, and it feels empowering.

I can't put my finger on why this is where I am, but I think it is a good place to be.