If Brian were still alive he would be 39 tomorrow.
I've made no plans to celebrate his birthday. I just don't have the energy or desire to do so this year. I've talked with the kids about some ideas for how we could honor him on his birthday. But, I haven't decided what to do yet.
Part of me wants to do nothing. I just don't want to go there.
The other part of me thinks I will regret it if I do nothing.
My kids are expecting something.
Maybe I will delay it to the weekend. Brian's parents are coming in for grandparents day on Thursday. Last year we did a nice dinner. I don't plan to try to recreate that.
I'm just not sure what to do....and I am not sure why I feel so ambivalent about it.
Experience has taught me that I will know what to do when it gets here....things have usually fallen into place or become obvious.
Why do I want to pretend tomorrow is just another day? What does that say about me? What would be best for the kids?
Until tomorrow....praying I will know how to handle it....
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I'll be praying for you too. You always know what to do at the right time and I'm sure this time will be no different. If you don't want to do anything that's OK. No one is expecting it, except your kiddos. Maybe you could do something small with them and Brian's parents when they get there on Thursday.
Don't force yourself to do something that you don't want to do. Be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up over why you feel ambivalent about it. I don't think that you are being unsensitive or ignoring Brian's birthday by wanting tomorrow to be "just another day." I think it shows that in trying to establish your new life, you don't want to grieve over the past, but yet there is still something in you that desires to honor him in some way. If there wasn't, you wouldn't have written this post. As you said "part of me wants to do nothing." Could that mean that a part of you wants to, or feels as you should do something?
As I said earlier, you will know what to do when the time comes. I will pray that God will make that clear to you. If you don't want to do anything, don't feel bad about it. Your kiddos will understand.
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