I am usually a very stable person. I don't get too excited and I don't get too depressed about many things. I guess I could be seen as boring and hard to read. I have a difficult time expressing what I am feeling so I usually just keep it to myself.
Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. I'm really not comfortable functioning that way. It's very frustrating and disconcerting.
I feel "different". I am struggling to know where I fit in anymore. I don't feel single but it is becoming painfully more obvious that I have less and less in common with married people. I find myself having negative feelings about the difference in my life and in the life of others. Maybe it's delayed anger. It makes me a little angry that my list of responsibilities has gotten so long. I guess I am just struggling with the life that I now have and wondering why I am in this position...a.k.a. "why isn't life a little more fair"?
On the other hand, I know we have made such great progess. I believe my kids are going to be more than just ok. We have our good days and bad days, but I don't think they are suffering much more than any other average kid in America. I also truly believe that I have done my best to work through this loss and that eventually the sun will shine again....brightly!
I go from "knowing" this is where I am supposed to be to "questioning" myself mercilessly.
Spiritually, I am trying to put myself in a position where I am as close to God as I can possibly be so that I will be able to follow His lead. It's not always easy to make the time necessary to hear His voice. My life is so noisy right now. I've got to find those quiet moments and treasure them. I've worked on that this week and I plan to continue to pursue Him until I am confident in His direction for my life.
The kids are doing well in school and Braden seems to be doing much better. We have established a routine and I am trying to be more deliberate about teaching them principles from the Bible. Tonight we had "family time" and we talked about Ephesians 6. Of course I had to emphasize the "honor" your parents part, but it is also a chapter about doing your best as though you are doing it for God. I see some sloppiness in their efforts and so I challenged them to do their best even when they don't feel like it.
I guess the bottom line is that there are just a lot of "unsettled" feelings right now. It's not depression so much as it is confusion and uncertainty. I am praying God will help me sift through the issues that cause those feelings and make wise choices.
I want to be nothing less than obedient to God and His call on my life. God, give me the courage to do that.
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