The clouds are lifting....

I am grateful that over the past week or so God has showed Himself to me in several different ways. I have needed that. It has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my disposition.

One of the most difficult things for me continues to be the absence of the "voice of reason". Brian was always able to let me vent about work and help me sift through what was true and what was imagined. I miss that so much. I try to work through issues in my head but it just isn't the same. I honestly don't know how to learn to compensate for that. There is a limit to what others can do for me. They have their own lives and their own needs and issues. I can't rely on other people for that or I fear I will wear out our friendship.

I've learned to use a weedeater, buy parts for my lawnmower, manage a commercial building, negotiate with contractors, and juggle my schedule to squeeze out every last minute of available working and studying time. But, I can't figure out how to bridge that emotional gap that exists without a spouse. I can't be what Brian was to me. I can't encourage myself and affirm myself. I can't do that.

I don't know what to do about that. But I am learning some things not to do....maybe after that list is made what I can do will become more obvious.

Work has smoothed out. After having a week where all I heard was complaints, I had the opposite happen this week. Random people shared compliments about the ministry that served to encourage me. I am finding some new passions within my responsibilities. I see some opportunities to minister that excite me. I've had some luck enlisting some additional volunteers and made some adjustments in areas that needed it. God has been good to me. His timing seems a little delayed but that's from my perspective. I was reminded this week that God is always at work (John 5:17). I needed that reminder.

My role as a landlord/building manager has taken a positive turn. The relationship that has developed between me and my tenant is nothing short of miraculous. There has been a complete turn-around (f0r the better) in that relationship. I have been able to take care of some issues lately and in turn that has boosted my confidence in myself. My tenant has been complimentary (holy cow that is amazing) of my performance in managing the building. I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the guy who was managing my building prior to March 2008. I see now what a lousy job he was doing. I was too fragile to deal with it before then. It was too much for me to even consider. Now, I actually enjoy some of it. I like taking care of my own business. It feels empowering. I have a stronger sense of ownership now (which is silly because I have always owned the building) and I take pride in the way it looks and the way it is being taken care of.

Lexi and I are having some good discussions about what it means to follow Christ. We attended a musical at our church on Sunday night. Braden was a major handful to keep contained and my attention was constantly being averted to him. In the meantime, I noticed Lexi writing a note. I asked her about it later. She went and got an offering envelope that she had folded up and showed it to me. At first, she wouldn't show it to me or tell me about it. She said "it was very important" and she didn't want to talk about it. After some prodding she opened it up and it said "To: Mom From: Lexi I want to ask God into my heart". This was another reminder to me that God was at work in our family. We have talked about it each night this week and I believe she is very close to making that decision. Actually, she wants to do it now but I have been slowing her down a bit to make sure she understands the importance of the decision. I've asked her to find 3 people to interview about when they decided to follow Christ. She has a couple of questions she is supposed to ask them. After she does that I told her we would talk about it again. I am praying that God will continue to work in her life and that I will know how to guide her through this process. Over the years I have helped hundreds of kids accept Christ...this is what I have looked forward to since becoming a parent....leading my own children to Christ.....what a huge responsibility and blessing.


.....yes, the clouds are lifting....and for that, I am soooooo grateful.