Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom. It's one of my favorite things about my house. There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here).
I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound. I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide. I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas. The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got. It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).
I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely. I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.
I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey. There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me. I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living. I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all. I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.
The fear and dread of death has returned. I don't want to die right now. I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound). I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill. Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward. I think that's a really, really, good thing.
Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment. But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.
Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!
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