Here's to 2009

It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone, and that is ok.  My kids are in Oklahoma (they come back tomorrow) and so I am enjoying my last little bit of "me" time.  If I am honest, I wish I weren't alone, but I am so I might as well be content with it.

I just installed a Carbon Monoxide alarm in my bedroom so I can sleep without worrying about my gas fireplace.  So, all should be well and safe in my home.

As I look towards 2009 here are some things I'd like to either do or do better (I am intentionally avoiding the term resolution--less accountable I guess):

1.  I want to get a passport.  I just might want to go somewhere someday and I want to be ready.

2.  I want to be less cautious.  

3.  I want to do better at teaching my kids spiritual truths and principles.

4.  I want to give more.  I am thinking of trying to do one generous thing a month for someone anonymously.  I want to teach my kids how to be givers.

5.  I want to take more risks in my work and find creative ways to do new ministry.

6.  I'd like to change some things in my house.  However, everything works fine and looks fine so it is hard to justify spending money when I don't really need it.  I guess I'd like some change just because it might feel like I was moving forward.  I know I am moving forward but my house reminds me of my past.

7.  I want to take better care of myself.  I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

8.  I want to continue my education and find ways to use my education and life experiences to fulfill the purpose God has for me.  I don't know exactly what that will mean but God seems to be giving me some new passions and desires. 

9.  I want to spend some one on one time with Braden.  I don't know if that will mean we take a short trip together or just that I make more of an effort to do special things with just him.  

10.  I want to rent a camper and take the kids camping.  No tent camping for me, thank you very much.  They have been wanting to do this and it's time I try to make that happen.

So, there it is....Here's to 2009.

Giving or just exchanging....

I have realized this Christmas that there is joy in giving, but not in exchanging.

It seems that most of what Christmas has become is "exchanging" gifts with each other.  We work hard to buy the right things for people because they are in turn buying nice things for us. Every year the list gets longer because family expands and relationships deepen.  I stress over making sure I don't forget anyone and if someone gives me something unexpected I feel like I should give them something too.  It's not that we give only to "exchange", but that is what it has become.  

Giving, on the other hand, is most often undeserved and unexpected, and maybe even not reciprocated.  Even Scripture tells us it is more blessed to give than receive....I think we have it confused and think it is blessed to give and receive.

I found joy this Christmas in "giving".  I wish I had spent more of my money "giving" instead of just exchanging.

True giving involves sacrifice and has no strings attached.  The few times that I was able to truly give this Christmas brought me the most joy.  A couple of times it was monetary but I also had a chance to give of myself and my time to a few people.  I got a real kick out of those opportunities....Yes, I think I even felt "blessed" by those incidences.

I am not sure how to change how I do Christmas next year, but I would like to try.  I suppose I have a whole year to plan how I am going to do that.

I think I understand now why all the Christmas stress is so bothersome...it's become all about "us"....and there is no joy in a life centered on us and our own desires.

Here's to a 2009 filled with "giving"....not just at Christmas either....I pray God gives me nudges all through the year to offer what He has blessed me with to others....just yesterday I was able to give a gift card to Target to someone who needed baby formula.  They don't know it was from me, no one does.  I need to give....it's what I am supposed to do....it's what I find the most joy in doing.

For opportunities to give, I am grateful.

Life and Gas Fireplaces

The kids are in Oklahoma with my family for a few days and so I am enjoying some much needed time alone.  I am studying for the NCE and trying to recover from a ridiculously busy holiday season.

Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom.  It's one of my favorite things about my house.  There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here). 

I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound.  I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide.  I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas.  The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got.  It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).

I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely.  I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.

I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey.  There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me.  I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living.  I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all.  I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.

The fear and dread of death has returned.  I don't want to die right now.  I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound).  I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill.  Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward.   I think that's a really, really, good thing.

Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment.  But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.

Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!

My life.....

.....is not a Hallmark Movie!!!!

Just had to get that out!

It seems that every Hallmark movie is about a young widow/widower who finds a new love at Christmas time.

No kidding, my parents watched Hallmark non-stop while I was there and at least 3 movies were about this same theme.

...which led to my dad telling me that all he was asking was "for me to be open to the idea of remarriage....because, according to him, the Bible says a young widow should get remarried". To which I told him, "I never said I wasn't open to it....it's just what's out there isn't what I want....blah, blah, blah".

If only it were as easy as the movies make it out to be.....

You know you are a widow when....

My mom asked me a few months back what I'd like for Christmas. I told her I wanted a cordless screwdriver/drill. It seems that every time I have to hang something up or put something together I have to borrow my neighbors.

So, I got a cordless screwdriver/drill for Christmas from my parents. And, I was thrilled. Until, I started looking at it and noticed it was a 12 volt....and I thought to myself, I wonder if that is powerful enough. Maybe I should return it and get an 18/24 volt for more power....

And...then, I smiled and laughed to myself....thinking, "did I really just think that?"

Yep, you know you are a widow when you ask for a tool for Christmas and then wonder if it is powerful enough....

My how life can change things....

Another first....

Well, Nathan and I had our first discussion about sex tonight. He's nine years old and it was a needed conversation. His cousin, who is nineteen, just shared the news with my family that his girlfriend is pregnant. Thus, I felt like I had to talk with Nathan before we went home for Christmas.

It really wasn't all that bad. It was a fairly brief talk with mostly general information.

I was concerned that his cousin Blake would tell him all about the situation and I wanted him to hear it from me and be able to answer his questions.

My parents are wonderful parents, but they never talked with me about sex. I want things to be different with my kids. I want them to feel open to talk about it and I want them to get correct information from me (instead of relying on faulty info from their friends).

I hope the door is now open for him to ask questions and get answers. The seminar that I attended this semester really convicted me that I needed to begin the dialogue with him.

Unfortunately, Tyler's situation has forced me to do that. I pray for him because he has some huge decisions to make. I also hurt for my brother and sister-in-law because this has been a difficult thing to work through.

If nothing else, I no longer fear or dread the conversation with my boys. It was actually a very positive experience and I look forward to doing things a little differently than my parents.

For another first....that wasn't too bad....I am grateful.

Christmas with the Kids

Christmas 2008 has come and gone for us at our house. Santa came last night and we spent all day today enjoying the new stuff and the new addition to our family (puppy). It was a good day. I think I got back some of my perspective that I had lost. Relief is the main emotion I have felt all day. I got it done. I don't have to worry or stress over it for at least 360 days or so.

I have a tendency to compare Christmases since Brian died. I think about how each one of them have been different and what I have learned each year. This is our fourth Christmas without him and I think I finally understand what has been going on with me for the past month or so.

It's anger. I have been mad and frustrated that I am living in a world with an identity I never wanted. Interestingly, I'm not mad at anyone in particular, not even God. I'm just mad and it's hard to know what to do with that feeling.

The anger creeps in because everything gets magnified around the holidays. It becomes painfully obvious that our family is different than the families we hang around with or go to church with. It gets to me that I have no one to go Christmas shopping with anymore, that no one is thinking of a special gift for me, that I can't shop for men's clothes or look forward to doing all the fun things we used to do.

I'm living in the middle of two worlds....and the world I want to live in I can no longer live there without seeming out of place. The world of single parents has not grown on me. I don't want to make the transition to that world. Yet, I know I don't really belong in the "in tact" family world anymore either.

It's not that anyone else has made me feel this way. I still feel accepted but I just don't feel "at home" there any more. I think the holidays make it even harder. I wish I had someone to help me do Christmas for the kids. It's a heck of a lot of work!

I suppose another difference worth noting is that I didn't think about Brian much at all today. It wasn't until tonight that I first thought of him and knew he would be thrilled that I finally got the kids another dog. He was the animal lover in the family.

So, it's not so much that I miss "him" as it is that I miss having "someone". It feels strange to even type that but it is the honest truth. I suppose that maybe in some weird way I have been grieving the loss of my identity (for the past month or so). I'm no longer married. There is no one who thinks I'm the love of their life. That sucks. And, there are times when that feels like rejection, even though I know it's not. I suppose I sometimes think there must be something wrong with me that I am doing this alone.

And, yet, even though there has been an undertone of anger, I'm extremely grateful. My life is blessed with three beautiful children and the hope that comes from knowing God is sovereign and I can trust Him. I'm confident the ending will be better than where I am at right now.

Sometimes blogging helps me lay everything out on the table, examine it, process it, and decide what to do with it. In this case, as I look back over my last few posts, the ride has been a little bumpy but the process has been necessary.

I'm glad Christmas is pretty much over. The holiday magnifying glass of loss will soon be put away for a while. Life will get back to normal and the rhythym will come back to our lives....and we will continue to move and grow forward....for that I am grateful!

I'm....so....tired

I'm worn down, worn out and hanging by a thread.

Yesterday was a rollecoaster ride.

I didn't sleep much last night.

I couldn't turn my mind off.

I'm worn out from trying to spin all the Christmas plates.

I'm heartbroken for my nephew who made some bad choices and now his whole life has changed.

I'm sad that I am alone. I don't like being alone.

I'm grateful (and proud) that I found out I made an "A" in my statistics class...but have struggled to process some other stuff related to school.

I'm frustrated that I spent 2.5-3 hours dealing with an issue with two of my volunteers. At the end, there was no resolution, no compromise and my head was splitting.

If it could go wrong yesterday it did. The only thing good about yesterday was the email from my statistics professor.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I seem to be really struggling with perspective these days. I've even wondered if maybe I am depressed. I just feel "off" and can't seem to find my perspective. The reality is that things are pretty good.....so, why do I feel so bummed?

Tomorrow should be a fun day. Santa Claus comes to our house tonight because we travel over Christmas. I got the kids a puppy for Christmas...yikes! Should be interesting...they have no clue. They have been wanting another dog for a long time and I have said no. For whatever reason, I caved this week.

Here's to an exciting tomorrow.....

Time to Refocus

It's time to refocus.  

My motives have been good, but the results have been less than stellar.  

My weak spot is discouragement that comes from my life circumstances.  I don't like where my life is right now.  This is not what I wanted.  And, sometimes, I get angry because I think it isn't what I need either.  

I suppose that some of my anger gets taken out on other people.  Instead of recognizing what my problem is, I focus on something else that really isn't that significant or important.

I want to refocus.  It's no fun being angry and frustrated.  I've been short-fused with everyone, including my kids, for the last month or so.

I need to refocus.

My life is still good.  I have been blessed in many amazing ways.  I love my children and I want the very best for them.  I want to fulfill God's calling on my life.  I am thankful for the position I have in ministry.  I want to be a good steward of the blessings God has given me.  

I want to finish strong....I don't want to give up or give in.  

God, help me to see the best in other people.  Forgive me for being so self-focused lately.  I know that contentment and joy come from a heart that is focused on Your love, mercy and salvation.

 

Hospital Visit

I visited a dear lady who was in the hospital today.  It was just what I needed to be doing after a frustrating morning.  I sat down in the chair beside her bed,  and talked with her for a good thirty minutes.

I left there feeling like that was the best thirty minutes I had in a long time.  There are times in ministry when you want to rush through visits and check them off your list.  I usually am in such a hurry that I am in and out quickly so I can move on to the next part of my day.

For some reason today it felt like I should stay and sit...and listen a while.

She talked....and talked...and cried....and talked...and talked...and cried some more....and talked...and talked...and laughed....and talked some more.  

It was where I was supposed to be. 

I am thankful that sometimes God prompts me to stop....slow down....and be "present" with someone who needs to feel loved...who needs to be heard....

Before I left I held her hand and prayed with her.  It was a sweet time.  I am concerned about her health....it reminded me to be thankful for my health and to remember that life is a gift....and it can change in a heartbeat....I should know that, but I needed to be reminded of that today.

For today's visit with Mrs. Faye, I am grateful.

Pity Party Table for One

Christmas is almost here.  The kids and I have been moving at breakneck speed for the past two weeks.  Santa comes this Friday night and I am struggling to get it all done.  I hate doing Christmas alone.  I hate that my kids get drug every where with me to all the extra events and extra expectations that come along with the season.  I hate that Brian isn't here to give them and me a break when our schedule gets this crazy.  I hate that no one understands the stress and pressure that I have been under lately.  

I don't expect anyone to get that, but I do find myself extra sensitive to people who have no clue what it means to be busy. Unfortunately, I have a different perspective than I ever wanted.  I am having a little pity party today.  It's never becoming, it's never attractive, but it is where I am at.

I wish I didn't know what it was like to be responsible for everything that has to be done in a single parent family.  I wish I had someone to do homework with the kids at night, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, buy Christmas presents, address Christmas cards, wrap Christmas presents, cook dinner, give baths, take kids to basketball and Jump Rope Club and Piano, complete a final exam, and a million other things that had to be done last week.  It's no secret that it is no walk in the park being a single parent.  Add on top of that the fact that there is no family around for me to call and get extra support every time my life gets a little stressful or busy.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me.  I don't want that.  I just wish I could not feel so frustrated with people who don't have any understanding of the life that I live. I let it get to me.  As a result, I say things I shouldn't sometimes.  I've got to learn to let things go...I've got to turn my own personal radar off when I am at work.....I've got some issues of my own to deal with....and I'm frustrated that I let my personal and professional life to get mixed up sometimes....I need to accept the fact that my life is different than the people I work with...and not expect any understanding on their part.  My life is not an excuse for my frustration with myself and with others....yadiyayaya.....

I'm still learning how to process things on my own and be my own sounding board.  Some days I do ok at it, other days I need help with it, and some days I just suck at it.  I hope I will eventually get to the point where I don't let things bother me so much.  I guess I just want to look at some people and say "are you kidding me?  Surely you don't think our lives are at all similar." It has taken everything I have to keep my head above water for the past two weeks (both professionally and personally).  I'm tired and in need of a break...and a little grumpy!

Pity Party Table for One.....I'm done now.  Just needed to get that out. 

It's True....

It's true....it is more blessed to give than receive.

Our staff blessed a single mom tonight with a huge Christmas gift.  I've gotten all I need for Christmas....the blessing of giving.  My heart was touched and it was one of those moments where I knew we were "doing" Christmas....we were "being Jesus" to someone....and it was so cool!

I pray God will use our gift to change her life.  Instead of giving cheap, tacky gifts to each other, we have invested in one young, single  mom who now has an opportunity to build a new life for herself.

It is true, it really is.  It is more blessed to give than receive....

For that, I am grateful.

For Nathan....

One of the biggest reasons I blog is that I hope it provides a written legacy of the journey the kids and I have been on. My guess is that someday my kids will enjoy reading about what life was like when they were little.

So, today, this one's for you Nathan.....


Nathan,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Today was one of those days that God gave me a glimpse of how He has many great plans for you.

Today was our three-way conference at your school. Your teacher sat down with me and you to discuss your progress. The highlight of the conference for me was when Mrs. B. told us that you had scored a perfect score in science and you had the highest reading score in your class on your benchmark tests. Wow! Double Wow!

It's not important to me that you be "the best" in your class, it is important to be that you be "your best". You have worked hard to become an awesome reader.

I attended a presentation this week that outlined all the reasons you might struggle in school and in life because of the fact that you are being raised by a single parent. I was so discouraged after that presentation because I want you to reach your fullest potential and having only one living parent is definitely a disadvantage.

However, you have risen to the ocassion and have learned to overcome setbacks and obstacles. I remember the first three way conference that we had after your dad's death. Your teacher told us that you weren't behind in reading but you had slipped a little. You were in the middle of the pack....not the best reader, but also not the worst. She told us that she was confident you would make good progress and thought that considering all you had been through you were doing wonderfully.

Fast forward to today....3 1/2 years later...your teacher tells us that you scored the highest in reading in your class. This is an achievement that has never happened before. You have always done well but there have always been several kids ahead of you.

I couldn't be prouder of you.....reading didn't come easy for you. You really had to work at it. Now, you are soaring.

I am so very proud of you and I know God has great things in store for you....Think BIG!

Love,

Mom

The funniest 6 words.....and their effect...

I know the suspense is killing you.  What are the funniest 6 words?  

It happened tonight at my last Research and Stats class.  I was waiting to ask my professor a question about our final after class.  I was standing next to "the guy" in my class who probably understands stats better than anyone in our class.  He was talking to the professor about tutoring students in research and stats.  The professor looked at me and said the funniest 6 words I have heard in a long time.  He said, "you should be a tutor too".  I laughed and said "oh no, I wouldn't be good at that".  He said "yes, you really would.  I'm serious".  

I quickly changed the subject and asked him my question about the final exam. 

When I walked out of the room I almost burst out laughing.

He has no idea what a stretch it has been for me to do well in statistics this semester.

I have had to work my tail off to bring myself up to speed.  It's been 10 years since I had a master's level class in statistics.  And, to be honest, I still struggle with it.  It doesn't come easy to me.  I would have no business tutoring students in statistics...no business whatsoever....it would be the half-blind leading the blind.

But, then I got to thinking about my take-home final that is due next week.  And, I found myself wanting to do better on it because of what he said.  It's the old "self-fulfilling" prophecy.  He thinks I know what I am doing.  Therefore, I don't want to disappoint him.  

Words are awfully important to me.  If you tell me you believe in me, I will kill myself trying to live up to your expectation.

If, on the other hand, I don't think you believe in me....I will either work hard to prove you wrong, or decide it isn't worth the fight.

Hmmmmm...a good reminder to me about the power of words...and how they affect people.

Now....I guess I better get busy on that take-home final....

Still thinking about Monday....

My good friend emailed me today reminding me that there are several types of families that are fatherless.  My family is fatherless because of a death.  My kids weren't rejected, they were cherished by their father.  He left behind a very distinct legacy of love for them.  She makes a good point.  And, I completely agree with her that lumping together all children without fathers doesn't paint an entirely accurate picture.

And, while in my head I know that....my heart still hurts when I hear generalizations being made that are negative.  I never wanted to be a single parent....never thought I would be....it's an identity that is almost completely negative.  

Words are important to me.  My love language is definitely words of affirmation.  Single parents don't get much affirmation....there aren't many nice words written about them or said about them.  I think that is why listening to the presentation on Monday was so difficult.  Words are powerful in my life....probably too powerful.

Brian knew that words were important to me....he understood that was the best way to communicate love to me (took several years of marriage for us to figure each other out...but we did)....I miss that....I miss those powerful words of affirmation that he provided.

The only thing more frustrating than not feeling affirmed, is knowing that it is an unrealistic expectation or demand for anyone else to try to fill.  I am trying to learn to find my confidence and affirmation in God, but it is slow in coming.  It doesn't help when your role in life is so looked down upon....

Enough already.....this horse is dead....let it rest.

Life....God...and other random pieces of information

Life is interesting these days. For whatever reason, I've allowed myself to be a little down, a little discouraged. I'm not sure why the sadness comes and goes but it has settled in for an unwelcome visit.

I sat through 75 minutes of class today that felt like 7.5 hours. I have never wanted to bolt from a classroom more than I wanted to today. It was that presentation I had been dreading....the one on the importance of fathers in the family. For the first time in forever, I used an ungodly amount of energy trying to control my emotions and force myself to stay in the chair. I tried to make myself think of every funny story, every embarrassing moment I could possibly think of to keep myself from tearing up. I also did the unthinkable.....I surfed the internet on my blackberry...checked my facebook acount...just to divert my attention away from the presentation.

I wanted to get up and leave. It was too much at once. The information was overwhelmingly negative about the effects of a fatherless home on children.

I wanted to say "SOOOOO, WHAT should we do about it?" Instead of spending the entire time listing the 5 million things that children suffer from why don't we talk about ideas for bridging this gap. But, I knew if I opened my mouth, the tears would follow. So, I kept my mouth shut and kept surfing.

I suppose I should just be proud that I sat through it. I guess I am.

I wish I was beyond the hurt and discouragement that listening to that presentation causes. I wish I was to the point where I could offer helpful information to the group. But, I'm not there yet....but, someday, I will be there....I'm determined to be there, someday.

To another subject.....on my way home for Thanksgiving God and I had a discussion (Iwas by myself in the car for 5 hours so we had plenty of time to chat). I told Him that I know He understands me and knows my heart. And, since I know He understands me, I wanted Him to hear me say "God I know that you are sovereign.....(wipe a tear)...and I trust you.....(wipe a few more tears).....I trust You to work in my life to accomplish your purpose....."

I've struggled with calling God sovereign since Brian's death. I have reached a point where I can now say that and believe it with all my heart. Truly.

I still don't like the circumstance of my life.....nothing major has changed....no knight in shining armor has arrived to save the day.....but my heart has changed.

I trust Him. His purposes will be achieved. I want to be a part of that.

I really do.

The tears...they still come

Thanksgiving 2008 has come and gone. For the most part, we had a wonderful time with family. The highlight for me was meeting my new neice. She's a cutie pie. I enjoyed getting to hold her and love on her.

The time spent with family was enjoyable and laid back. No family gathering is complete without a tense moment. This time it was tense between me and my dad. It was a brief incident but it took everything within me to not let it bother me the rest of the night. I've decided it is incredibly difficult to parent my kids while in my parents home. It doesn't matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. If I am too harsh on them, my dad lets me know about it. If, on the other hand, he thinks I am not keeping them in line, I hear about it too. It's frustrating, but not a big deal in the grand scheme of ife.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with Brian's family. Again, for the most part, it was a sweet time. I struggled a little bit when something caught me off guard. About 7 years ago Brian built his mom and dad a solid oak entertainment center. It took him a long time to make it and he was especially proud of it. He and his oldest brother (who has also since died) went together and bought them a new television to go in the new entertainment center he built. It was a sacrificial gift on both of their part. And, while there are four brothers, only two of them contributed. Fast forward to this weekend. Brian's mom informed me that they were moving the entertainment system out because Greg (one of the brothers who didn't contribute) was replacing it with a 52 inch plasma television for Christmas. I am thrilled for his parents, it just caught me off guard that they were so easily getting rid of a gift that Brian made for them.

It shouldn't matter to me that Greg is giving them a new and better unit. But, for some reason it did. I think I interpreted it as disloyal to Brian. It felt like they were moving on, forgetting about the love and sacrifice that went into that gift. I know better than to think they have forgotten him or that they don't still think of him every single day. But, again, it still bothers me.

And then.....as I was driving home to Oklahoma, I found myself replaying the burial at the cemetary. It still hurts. It still brings tears....lots of tears. I wonder, at what point, I can replay that day and not cry. I wonder when the tears will be gone.

I didn't go to the cemetary while I was there. I didn't feel like it. I didn't want to. I didn't want the tears to get out of control.

I want to keep growing forward. I want to see progress in the new life I am trying to create for me and the kids. This Thanksgiving was just a reminder that the pain is still there. It takes a lot more to bring it to the surface, but it is still there.

Dread....

The semester is winding down.  I only have one more week of classes.  Today I received the last paper from a student in our class who will be presenting the last day.  His topic was on the importance of the father in the home.  I read through it today.  

Ouch....it was painful to read.

Statistics indicate my kids are likely to suffer/struggle from many more things than two parent families.

I was discouraged when I read it.  Really discouraged.

I'm not sure I can sit through two hours of learning about why my kids are going to be hurt by the absence of their father.

I dread it.  I don't want to go to class.  I really don't.

I don't want to leave beaten down.

This particular student is from another culture, one that stresses the dominant father role even more so than American culture.  His paper is nothing but a discourse on how screwed up kids will be when they don't have a father in the home.

I understand how important the father is.  I just wish his paper had offered more hope to the single moms.  Single parents are an easy whipping target.  I hate that.

I don't know how to deal with the dread I feel about going to class....it's going to be hard to listen to it.

What does that say about me?  I don't know.  Maybe it says I am in too much denial about my kids and how they may turn out.  I don't want to accept the "norm" of what happens when kids don't have a father in the home.  I'd like to think we will be different....but maybe we won't.  

Truth is, my kids haven't had any of the major problems this paper lists...yet.  Maybe it's too early to tell.  Maybe the worst is to come.

Or, maybe we will be able to defy the odds....that's what I am hoping for....

Dread.....pure dread.....I don't want to go and listen to all the reasons my kids may be messed up......I prefer to "hope" in God's role in their life......

Habakkuk

I stumbled across the book of Habakkuk today. It's not a book I have spent much time reading. I don't know that I ever have studied it, before today.

It's always amazing to me how God's Word is alive and timeless. Any time I earnestly study a passage, God speaks to me.

At this point in my life, the book of Habakkuk resonates with me for a variety of reasons:

1. Habakkuk was honest (brutally honest) with God about his questions related to God's sense of fairness and justice. Habukkuk didn't understand why God was allowing evil men to prosper. He questioned how God could allow evil to occur. It's the age old theolgoical debate, If God is good, why do bad things happen?

2. God responded to Habakkuk's plea for answers. He assured Habakkuk that He had a plan and that His plan would serve an eternal purpose. He reminded Habakkuk that justice will prevail and that He is sovereign. He also spoke truth about those who trust in anything but Him (ouch).

3. In Chapter 3 we see that Habakkuk recognized God's presence in His life, responded by worshipping God, and determined to trust God...even though things were bad, even though things weren't going well, Habukkuk said "yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength..."


Times are uncertain right now. It appears, at times, that evil is flourishing. The economic state of our country is a reflection of greed, dishonesty, poor management, and scandal. I have been reminded that we should never put our trust in what we "build" for ourselves. God can and will use "evil" to accomplish His purposes. I wonder how His purposes will be accomplished in the coming days, months and years.

It's interesting that Habakkuk describes God as Sovereign. If you read chapter one it looks like "sovereignty" is a huge issue for Habakkuk. Yet, by the end of the book, he uses it as a descriptor for God.

Habakkuk is going through an incredibly difficult time. His country is about to be attacked by the Babylonians. Yet, he pursues God, listens to God, and then determines to trust Him as a Sovereign God.....and he finds JOY in that.

Wow....I see an example for me to follow: 1). Be honest before God with my questions 2). Listen, really listen for God to respond (Habbukuk said he would wait until God spoke) 3). Trust God. Find joy in serving a Sovereign God.

This book serves as another reminder to me that it is ok to question God. Questioning God starts the conversation....it gets the dialogue going.....it brings us to the point of being ready to listen. God isn't surprised when we express the dissonance of serving a perfect God while living in a dying, evil world.

Like Job, Habakkuk allows His encounter with God to redefine his faith and provide hope for his life. My guess is that both Job and Habukkuk found a life of purpose and joy that never would have happened had they not endured evil, questioned God, listened to God's response, and purposed to trust God and His purposes.

I want to be like them.....help me trust, really trust in the sovereignty of God.....and may His joy become my strength.

Back to Reality....studying for the NCE

Now that this semester is almost over, it's time to focus on the NCE.  I have tentatively set January 8th as my exam date.  

For me, it's going to be very challenging.  Most people take the NCE right after they finish their master's degree.  Not me, it's been 10 years!  I found out the week of my graduation that I was pregnant with Nathan.  Needless to say, the NCE was the last thing on my mind for a few years.

But, now, it's time.  I'll finish up my client contact hours within the next couple of months (3,000 hours...it's taken over 4 years).  The only thing left to do is take the NCE.

I studied about 5 hours today and plan to spend most of the day tomorrow studying.  My kids left to go to Oklahoma today and so I will have until Tuesday to get a jump start on the studying.  Then, I guess I will try to allocate at least an hour every night to study.  

Hopefully, I can pass it.  I've never failed an important test but this one is quite intimidating.  The breadth of the material is overwhelming to me right now.

A new challenge....hope I can meet it.

I'm in love.....

I knew that would catch your attention.....

It may sound a little overboard.....but, I'm in love with learning and going to school.  

I love the fact that next semester I am doing a directed study on Crisis Counseling.  I love that I have some choices about my focus each semester.

I love the challenge.  I love that each semester has a beginning, middle and end.  I love that I get a grade for my effort which motivates me to do my best.

I love that when the kids go to bed at night I have something to fill my time....something worthwhile....something that is stretching me.

I haven't always felt this way about school.  I've always been a good student but never have I been so interested and excited about the things I am learning.

Maybe it's that my prior coursework was done before becoming a parent.  I get so jazzed when I learn something that will impact how I parent or teach my kids.  I love that.  I need that.

I may not always feel this way, but for now, the learning process is fantastic.  

For the opportunity to go to school, I am grateful....

Learning from Conflict

I had an experience today in class that I am still reflecting on and trying to learn from how I handled conflict.  The topic was "sex education".  The discussion was in relation to a case study that was shared that included giving a 4 year old information, that in my opinion, was too detailed, too specific and tried to answer questions the child wasn't even asking.  It seemed to be that a very innocent act (the child looking at her body parts) produced a lecture from the parent that included far more information than a four year old could process.  I could never see myself having the conversation that was explained with a four year old....never in a million years.  Maybe a 6-7 year old but not a four year old.  Sparks flew when there were conflicting opinions in the room about whether the information was age appropriate.  

There is room for varying opinions....it's ok with me that we disagreed...I don't expect everyone to agree with me...I just wanted to be clear that he understood why I had an issue with what he was saying...I wanted to feel heard.  On the other hand, he was a little rude and demeaning to anyone who would disagree with him (including the professor).  I felt attacked at times and wondered if it would ever be ok to disagree with him.....He may very well have felt the same way about me...I guess that's where we all have our blindspots...My intention was not for him to feel that way, but I suppose it is possible that he felt the same way about me.

I realized several things from this experience.  One is that I am still learning to find my voice and articulate my beliefs/thoughts at the PhD level.  I need to work on learning to say things with a balance of conviction and grace.  The second thing is that conflict requires me to think.  It requires me to really examine why I think or feel certain ways.  This is a very positive thing.  I thought about this conversation all the way home from school.  It's still on my mind now.  It stretches me to view things from another perspective.  The final thing I learned is that I need to know when to let something go....even if I don't yet feel understood.  There are some people who will never consider another person's opinion.  I need to learn when the battle is unwinnable and let it go.

The other thing I took away from this....I've got some work to do in becoming an "askable parent" when it comes to sex education.  I need to work on creating a more open environment with my kids.  And....I really wish Brian were here to walk through this with Nathan and Braden.  It's going to be challenging without a father to help.....but, we'll get through it.

Conflict really does teach me some important things...but I don't enjoy it! 

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For this Thanksgiving...

Here we go...Shelly's Top Ten at Ten.....

10.  I am thankful for the opportunities for growth that have presented themselves this year.

9.  I am thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.

8.  I am thankful for my mom who has helped me during the busy times of school.  I am especially thankful that she is going with Nathan on an overnight field trip this week so I don't miss an oral exam.

7.  I am thankful that things in Granbury have improved and that most all of our issues have been resolved.

6.  I am thankful that the corporate tax returns are completely up to date.  This is a huge relief.

5.  I am thankful that it has been 3 1/2 years since Brian's death.  I am so grateful that most of the really hard grieving is over...and that we have made great strides to rebuild our life.

4.  I am thankful that we now have a routine and some rituals that work for us as a family.  We have created a good post-Brian life.

3.  I am thankful that I've begun to understand the really important things in life.....family, faith, love, and friendship.

2.  I am thankful for a good job, wonderful friends, and an incredible church family.

1.  I am thankful for the remnants of Brian that I get to enjoy on a daily basis....my children.

And one thing more....I am thankful for God and the way He has worked in my heart and life.  I do trust Him.....I don't understand Him, but I completely trust Him......

Even with the trust....I still wish I could catch a glimpse of my future....sometimes I think I am so content to just be the best mom I can be and not worry about anything else.  Other days, I realize how lonely I am....and wish I knew if I would ever get to experience marriage again....it's the not knowing that is sometimes hard.  The future is mysterious.....but my "present" is good...a little lonely, but life is still sweet.....it really is.

Lots of Meetings....

The past two weeks I have participated in a ton of meetings. All of them have been interesting and educational. I've learned a lot about people and how they function in a group setting. I've watched some people address issues in healthy ways and I have watched others flounder when trying to confront an issue or person.

The most interesting meeting was probably the fourth grade room parent meeting that we had today to plan the Christmas party. I had no idea the drama that goes on in these meetings. This is the first year that I have served as a room parent. I have always helped with the parties but never been in charge. I could go on and on about some of the "control" issues that surfaced....but that isn't really what bothered me.

It happens quite often. I will be in a group of moms and one of them will make a comment about working moms or single parents. In most cases it is in a negative tone. The lady today said "you know I hate to say this, but they are absentee parents. I know they have to work but they just aren't willing to help". She was talking about her frustrations in collecting money for projects or getting help for parties.

Single parents or working moms are second class parents. At least that is what I hear on a regular basis.

I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me when people say that....but it does. I wonder if they don't realize they are sitting beside someone is who BOTH a single parent and a working mom....

I understand that there is a difference between single parent families and two parent families. I am aware that there are some definite deficiencies in my family.

However, we are doing the best that we can. I am as involved as I possibly can be in my kids' school activities. I have stepped up the pace in my involvement and feel that I am more than pulling my weight.

I didn't contribute monetarily to the class project for the auction at the carnival. I heard about "those parents" who didn't contribute today at the meeting as well. I could have contributed but I chose not to because I had reached my limit financially for that month. I had just written a 205.00 check for Nathan to go on the Austin/San Antonio field trip and I needed to say "no" to the request. I didn't see it as anything but trying to be a good manager of my money. I guess this lady thought differently. If there is one thing I will not do it is to give out of guilt or manipulation. I wasn't trying to be uncooperative, I just reached my limit. Had there not just been a huge field trip to pay for I probably would have been more generous. I just didn't appreciate the way this lady portrayed people who didn't participate.

I guess I was surprised at the snootiness of some at the meeting. Maybe their life is perfect and their resources of time and money are unlimited....but mine aren't.

I want to be more involved in my kids school....and I will continue to be as I have opportunities. I do get tired of the little jabs about single parents and working moms.....

I wonder how people view me.....am I sort of an acceptable second class parent/mom since I'm a widow? Or, do they think negatively of me just like every other single parent? Or, are they just clueless when they say things about the very type of person that I am?

I didn't feel singled out today at the meeting. Everyone was nice, friendly and inclusive. I just read between the lines on a lot of things.....

Losing my marital status has been a big adjustment....I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me....the single parent identity is a tough one to swallow....

I'm learning some things....

The lady came by to talk to me today and things went well. It has been a real eye opening experience for me to be exposed to what people are thinking when they are searching desparately for God. I guess I had forgotten what it was like to just want to know Him....I've been so blessed to see the genuine search for God from this lady.

I'm not sure how this story will end. I don't know if I will continue to be a part of her journey or if I have served my purpose completely. She was again very complimentary of how she thought I had helped her. I'm not sure it had anything to do with me. She is a very self-motivated person who has made much progres because she was willing to put in the time and effort to make changes in her life and in her thinking. I take her compliments with a grain of salt but I also see them as affirmations that this is an area God can use me in. I have to admit that I get pretty jazzed when God allows me to "comfort others in the same way in which I was comforted".

I guess the main thing that I have learned from this is that our compassion should have no agenda. We should want to "be Jesus" to others and trust God with the results. So many times I think we get it backwards. We have this spiritual agenda for hurting people and it gets in the way of showing true compassion and comfort. I have seen firsthand how you can meet someone where they are at....extend that compassion and comfort....and then see how that creates a hunger to understand and know God.

I think I am beginning to understand that one of my role's in the body of Christ is to "be Jesus" to those who are hurting. I'm not a charismatic speaker or a dynamic leader....I don't get jazzed about trying to strike up a conversation about God with every waiter, stewardess, salesman, etc. I meet. But, I do feel competent and passionate about helping hurting people. I'm thankful for this emerging role....I'm thankful that the most painful event in my life has led me to the point where I CAN "comfort those in the same way I was comforted"....that I can give back to others because I was given so much compassion, comfort, grace, support and love. I'm not paying it forward....I'm paying it back.....and for that I'm incredibly grateful.

Meeting # 3

I had mentioned a few posts back that I had an opportunity to visit with someone who was in crisis and randomly called our church wanting to talk to a minister. I happened to be the one to end up visiting with her.

Well, she has since been to our church 3 times and to a LifeGroup twice. She emailed me today wanting to come by tomorrow to talk about her relationship with God. She has some questions and wondered if I would talk with her.

So, tomorrow will be meeting # 3. I am still amazed at how curious she is and how much initiative she has taken to set up meetings and to ask questions. She is searching and I feel blessed to be a part of the process.

I'm not sure how tomorrow will go. I am praying that God will direct my thoughts and words and that He will use me to somehow help her in her journey. Mostly, I just hope I stay out of the way. It is very apparent to me that God is working in her life. I don't want to mess that up.

I am thankful that God has given me a front row seat to watch someone's life be transformed by the good news of God's love. I got chill bumps when I read her email today ASKING if she could ask me some more questions. I have never had this type of experience before.

The really odd and strange thing is that I know that my life experience has impacted the relationship that we have established. I don't think I would have been given this opportunity four years ago. I am not trying to make this about me because it isn't....but I do know some walls were immediately broken down when I briefly shared the personal crisis I had been through and that I sort of understood some of her questions....I didn't have the answers to all of them but I did understand the depth of the question....For God being able to use anything in our life for His Glory, I worship Him....

Hey Mom...

I was sitting in the car reading an email on my blackberry when Braden leaned over my shoulder and said "Hey mom, can you text God?"

This weekend his babysitter revealed the fun of texting people when she had the kids text me a message while I was in a meeting. I guess Braden thought if he could text me, then maybe we could text God.

I asked him what he would tell God if he texted Him. In typical Braden fashion he said something completely off the wall. He said "wood". Confused the heck out of me. I still can't figure out why he would want to text God "wood". I clarified what he meant and it was "wood" not "would".

A few seconds later he said, "no, maybe I would text ...I love you". And, that was enough to melt my heart for the evening.

You just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.....for all the smiles and joy he brings to my life, I am grateful.

Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........

Growth Point

I mentioned earlier this Fall that Nathan was struggling in school with his new teacher. Nathan really wanted me to get him transferred to another class. He cried many tears over his frustrations with this new teacher.

As a result, I had a conversation with the teacher and the principal about issues I was concerned about. It was uncomfortable and stressful. I don't like confrontation and I try to reserve complaints for the really big stuff. Teachers have enough stress without parents adding to it.

One of my fears was that I had set Nathan up for a hard year with his teacher. I thought maybe she would hold it against him and be harder on him. I also worried that I had turned into "one of those parents" that principals deal with on an all too frequent basis.

So, I worried that my relationship with the teacher and principal had been harmed and that Nathan might feel some effects of that.

Report cards came out this week and I was pleased and relieved when Nathan received his best report card yet. His teacher said the most kind things any teacher has ever said about him. I am proud of Nathan for overcoming his frustrations and working through the issues. I am thankful for a teacher that can listen to concerns, make adjustments and still be objective about the performance of a child in her class.

In addition, I received a letter in the mail from the principal inviting me to be a part of our "Campus Education Improvement Committee". This committee is made up of parents, teachers and community leaders and is by invitation of the principal. I look forward to being part of a group that supports, encourages and enhances the learning in our school. I have never wanted to be anything but supportive and so this Fall was a particularly difficult situation to be in. I am thankful that my fears and worries were unfounded and that the relationship with Nathan's teacher and the principal is strong.

This fall has been a growth point for both of us. It hasn't been easy or fun but I think we did it in a way that has helped us grow in our ability to address issues and work together towards a solution.

I'm especially proud of Nathan. One of the comments from his teacher was extra special. She said, "Nathan has such a sweet, gentle nature and these qualities are evident in the way he interacts with others." When I read that I thought to myself "he's just like his daddy". Brian was one of the kindest men I have ever known. I know he is proud of Nathan too.

For my children, I am grateful.....for the way they reflect their dad, I am blessed.

High Points for this Week...

The past few days have been extremely busy and filled with some high points worth noting.

On Sunday, we had a guest speaker whose testimony was meaningful to me. The topic was forgiveness and the wife of one of the people who was shot and killed at Wedgewood Baptist Church in 1999 talked about how she came to a point where she was able to forgive her husband's killer. Fogiveness is not a huge issue with me, but the fact that she became a widow in her late twenties connected with me in a powerful way. I am continually amazed at how God is able to bring glory to Himself through tragic life circumstances. It was good for me to be reminded of that....yet again.

Today, our staff went to hear William Young talk about his book, "The Shack". It was again a message that I needed to hear. The one statement that caught my attention was...."People are looking for certainty in life. However, the only certain thing in life is God's character". Wow. How true. It was reaffirming to me because that has been the conclusion I have come to after experiencing Brian's death and all the questions that have come with it. I didn't put it in those exact words, but that's exactly where I landed after searching and questioning God for a good while in counseling. It was again, a good reminder of how God's character has been revealed to me in a very real and powerful way. The author's personal life story was also interesting to hear. It helps me understand more of the book after hearing how he was sexually abused as a child. The pain of the main character in this story is the author's own pain. He shared that it took him eleven years to work through his pain and confusion about how God could allow what happened to him as a boy to happen. I could write a lot more about this, but suffice it say, I was touched deeply by his talk and by his perspective on the character of God.

Finally, I presented my main paper for the semester today. It went well. My grade was given to me after class as well as affirmation about my topic and how I presented it. I couldn't be more pleased and surprised by the positive words from my professor. I have said this before but I love learning and I love that the things I am learning are impacting me and my family in a positive way.

It's been a good week.....for that I am grateful.

An unexpected blessing in disguise...

I would have been offended if someone had told me that Brian's death would actually bring our family closer....yet, today I realized the kids and I have bonded in an emotional and spiritual way that few families experience while their kids are so young.

The topic in class today was on the "heart connection" that is necessary for children to develop with their parents. For once, I walked away from class feeling like this was an area that we had some strength in as a family.

I do feel connected to my kids emotionally and spiritually. We have had some intense bonding times over the past 3 1/2 years.

When I think about feeling close to my own parents ,I think of those defining moments that usually occur around deaths, graduations, special milestones, failures, etc. I think I remember every time I have ever seen my dad cry. It was during those times when he was most vulnerable that I felt the most connected.

My kids (particularly Nathan and Lexi) have been exposed to my vulnerabilities to an extent that is not typical. We have cried together on numerous occasions....they have seen me cry more times than they will ever be able to remember....as a result, I believe the connnection is very strong.

To be sure, we have also had a lot of fun, happy, light times. We have not quit living over the past 3 1/2 years. We have made some incredible memories together. Those memories are treasured by all of us beause we understand how important it is to make memories.

In addition, my kids still have a strong heart connection with their dad....I am thankful that he invested in them heavily so that they have many memories to draw from when they want/need to feel connected with their dad.

A blessing in disguise was recognized today....we have worked hard (as hard as I have ever worked at anything in my life) to grow forward as a family and to express emotion with each other authentically....and I am grateful for the strong relationship that has developed with my kids (it's not perfect by any means, and there will be many tests of it as they get older....)....but, I do have a lot of hope and faith that my kids are going to be more than just ok.....and for that, I am grateful.

Fun Times with the Family....

We carved pumpkins this afternoon. The kids consider this another tradition that can't be dropped. I guess I enjoy it too. I don't like the mess it makes but the kids always look forward to it. This is proably the last Halloween that we will have the table in our backyard. I am having some trees cut down in my yard because they are dead and this table is on the list of things for them to haul off. The wood is splitting and rotted. I tried treating it a couple of years ago and it helped a little. Brian built this one summer and the kids think it is special because he made it. It is special, but it is also falling apart. I guess we'll figure out where the new pumpkin carving spot is next year....

We have had lots of interesting conversations lately. Braden has become the child who isn't afraid to bring any topic up. Whatever is on his mind, he asks about it or talks about it. There are no taboo topics for him....and that keeps life interesting for the rest of us.

Last night we talked about what I would do if God put a baby in my tummy, if I was going to get married again, and a few other uncomfortable issues. Braden doesn't accept the simple answers. He has to ask a millon questions in order to try to wrap his mind around it. He could not understand why God couldn't put a baby in my tummy right now. He apparently has decided he would like to be a big brother. We went round and round and round on this issue. I even heard myself say "Braden, Iam too old to have a baby....God wouldn't do that...." That one hurt a little....to be admitting that I am getting "older" and past the child-bearing stage....ouch.

No, I don't want anymore babies....for obvious reasons...but even if Brian were here I wouldn't be interested...it's nice to have moved past that stage in life. Although, I wouldn't trade it for the world....I just am glad we are past that....amen!

I emailed my paper off to my professors this afternoon. It sure felt good to be done with another major paper. I still have the presentation to prepare for and I have some ideas but not sure I can make it all happen. I found a great Saturday Night Skit but I can't figure out how to download it to my computer. My paper is on overindulgence and entitlement. http://www.hulu.com/watch/38477/saturday-night-live-update-thursday-fix-it-109
(the "fix it" skit is midway through the video....you'll know you are there when Oscar Rogers comes on as the financial advisor for the weekend update)


The link above takes you to the skit... It's a reflection of the entitlement our country suffers from...we want someone else to fix it and we want it done NOW....and no one wants to take responsibility for their own bad choices...we just want the government to rescue us all....but that's not really what the paper is about, it's more about overindulgence and entitlement in families....

I have learned a lot by writing this paper....my kids have gotten several lectures from me...one of them was tonight. They have actually responded very well to some of the talks we have had. I am sure when they grow up the will need counseling from all the "by the way kids, I learned something today that I want us to talk about...." type conversations that we have been having.

Lots of fun times with the family lately....for that (and being done with my paper) I am grateful.

An Unlikely Day: Part Two

Last week I had an opportunity to visit with a lady who randomly picked our church to call and ask to talk to a minister. (See prior post)

Today, she came back for another visit. We spent another hour or so talking and trying to work through some of her faith questions and life issues.

I share this story because I want to be reminded of how God is able to bring good out of tragedy. I also want to give Him glory for the work He does in our lives and for how He is able to use our wounded lives to minister to others.

This post is not about me. It's about a realization that God is GOD. It's about my amazement as I consider the journey I have been on and the way He finds ways to use me and bring glory to Himself.

Towards the end of our time together she gave me several high compliments. I was caught off guard by how "effective" I had been for her. She is a professional lady, secure financially, and well educated. I guess I was a little surprised that she would find me to be so "effective" in helping her deal with some of her issues. To be honest, I felt inadequate at times as we were talking. She had lots of heady questions and posed many interesting thought lines.

Yet, in her mind, (and I quote) "she gained more wisdom and insight in the two visits we had than in all the counseling sessions she had been to and all the counselors she had ever seen". She attributed it to the fact that "I understood"...."I knew what it was like to experience loss"...."I had been there"

She knew this because I shared just a brief part of my story the first time we visited. I don't always do that but this time it seemed appropriate and I guess it worked.

To be fair, this hasn't been an official counseling relationship. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing about it on this blog. She came wanting to visit with a "minister" not a "counselor". I had my "minister" hat on when she came to my office in the main church. I joked with her today and said "you requested to talk to a minister, it just so happened I was also a counselor".

So, the point of this blog. It's not about patting myself on the back. I have no skill apart from God. He deserves the Glory. The point is that God is using my experience to help others. He is giving me an influence that I would have never had before.

I suppose that all of us find significance when God is able to use the unique parts of our lives to minister to others. We tend to think about the people who are able to give profound testimonies in front of large audiences as people who are "truly being used by God". Yet, today, I realized that God is using me one person at a time. He is giving me brief opportunities to minister to different people who are usually in crisis. I find fulfillment in that.....and for that I am grateful.

Meet "Shelly the Plumber"

My job description grew today when I put on my plumber's hat and made quite a memory with the kids.

I was peeling carrots for the soup I am making for tomorrow's dinner for supper club. Instead of putting the peels in the trash I opted for the easy way and decided to put them down the disposal. Bad choice. As a result, my sink got clogged and I was faced with a plumbing issue that had to be solved.

I tried several things to try to unclog the sink. I sent Braden to get the plunger and even tried using it multiple times with no results.

By this time the crowd had gathered and the kids were curious as to what I was doing.

Without any hesitation I decided to look under the sink and try to figure out what was going on. Imagine me with my head stuck under the sink and all three kids peering in trying to see what I was doing. It would have been a priceless picture.

I quickly (and I was so impressed with myself) realized what the issue had to be. It had to be that the pipe was clogged from the disposal to the main pipe. I knew this because I ran water down the other side of the drain and it did not get clogged.

So, I asked Braden to go get me a really big towel. I anticipated that I might have some water come out when I disconnected the pipe. Again, yeah for me for even thinking that, right?

Well, as soon as I got the pipe disconnected it showed carrot peelings crammed so tight that water could not get through it. I celebrated my find and began unpacking the carrot peelings. All the while I was bragging on myself to the kids....Look how mom figured this out....yeah mom!

Well, what I did not anticipate was the amount of water that would come gushing out once the carrot peelings were removed. Water SURGED out of the pipe and flooded the area under the sink, soaked my jeans and sent the kids running for cover.

My immediate reaction (after I yelled for them to go get lots of towels...BIG towels) was to laugh hysterically. And then the kids started laughing.....

At some point in this widow journey it became ok to laugh about the predicaments I find myself in instead of crying over them. I remember the first year or so every time something went wrong in the house I felt helpless and frustrated that he wasn't there to help me.

Now, most of the time, when something like this happens I find myself jumping in and trying to figure out....and then laughing at myself if I don't or if things don't go quite the way I expected.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be "Shelly the plumber"....but since I have to be, we might as well have fun at it....


For good laughs and great memories, I am grateful.

I wondered today....

I was outside doing some yard work when, for some reason, the thought hit me "I wonder what Brian would think if he pulled into our driveway and walked in the front door?" I don't know why I sometimes have these odd thoughts that begin to take me down a thought process that is interesting and sometimes emotional.

I wondered what he would notice as being different and what would seem familiar?

Would he compliment me on the flower beds or the lawn? Would he realize what a stretch it has been for me to try to take care of it all? Would he notice some of the new flowers and bushes that I put in that look so nice right now?

Would he be surprised to learn that I had gone back to school? Would he question why I put the kids in piano lessons (especially Nathan since I am sure he would rather see him doing "sports")?

Would he think its cool that we have developed a Friday night tradition that includes pizza (his family tradition growing up) and a movie (his favorite thing to do)? The kids insist that we do this EVERY Friday....if we don't, they want it done on Saturday night.

What would he think about Nathan's longer hair? Actually, I think he would be proud that I have allowed him a little bit of freedom in that area.

How would he like the new bedding and curtains in our bedroom?

What would he think about the car I purchased this year?

And the questions in my mind kept popping up....

Why?

Why do I wonder what he might think?

Because I still love him and hope that he would be proud of the life I have tried to rebuild.....Because of the love that he gave me I want to continue to think about him sometimes....I want to wonder what he would think....I want to imagine him being proud of us....and maybe laughing at us about a few things.....like the cordless weedeater and blower I bought, I am sure he would get a good laugh about that. And, I am darn good at using those two cordless items. I don't like doing it and my allergies hate me for it, but I have learned to be rather competent at the yardwork.....


For the gift of memories and the blessing of love, I am grateful....profoundly grateful.

An Unlikely Day

Today I had two different opportunities to allow God to use me and my story to offer His grace to others. When I woke up this morning I had no idea that I would be given such distinct opportunities to minister to two totally different women.

I caught a glimpse of who I am becoming today. I am thankful that God allowed me to see His hand in my life and in the lives of others.

I was completely blown away by one lady who called our church needing a minister to talk to....she was in crisis and I just happened to be around when no one else was. I spent about 45 minutes with her and was able to share my faith with her. I didn't cram it down her throat. I had no agenda but to listen and provide comfort. She asked me very pointed questions that I was able to answer in a way that I believe honored God and His work in this world and in my life. She is so hungry for answers. She is so wounded and fragile right now. I am praying for her. She told me she had tried "counseling" and it had never worked for her. She left today asking if we could meet again. I look forward to next week and hope I will be faithful to share God's grace with her.

It was an unlikely day for divine appointments...but I had two. The other one happened in a class I was teaching this morning for our church's job corp. No time to write about it but I know we connected and it was cool to see God work in that group.


For that I am grateful.

It's been a very busy, but pretty good month. My kids have schedules that are slow-paced in comparison to some kids, but for us it is challenging. We have added some things over the past few months and that seems to take its toll on us. I sometimes wonder how different life might be for my kids if Brian were here to be another taxi. The reality is that we can't do everything like some families can. Sometimes, I feel bad about that. Other times, I am grateful that our boundaries are more defined (out of necessity).

My paper is coming along nicely. It's due two weeks from today and I have written 24 out of 30 pages. I have learned a lot by writing this paper. I am thankful for the opportunity to make myself consider why I parent the way I parent. The topic of my paper is on overindulgence and entitlement in children. It's been incredibly eye-opening, thought provoking and somewhat life changing. As a result, I have made several adjustments in my own life and I am trying to reformulate some of how I parent. When I was agonizing over whether or not I should go back to school my main concern was the negative effect it might have on my kids. In retrospect, I believe it has had a positive impact because of all I have learned in relation to children, parenting, etc. I truly believe the growth that has occurred has served an importance purpose in my family's life. Yes, it gets stressful. Yes, I still hate statistics and I see no life-altering growth from that class....but the rest, has been fantastic.

There is still some pain and hurt that pops out of nowhere and usually catches me off-guard. I realized last week that there are parts of my grief that I have chosen to openly and deliberately work through. There are also, however, some wounds that I refuse to allow to be reopened. I don't think it is denial or a lack of grieving. I think there is just some small parts of my experience with Brian's death that I can choose to leave unfinished. I may feel differently someday, but for now, I choose not to put myself in a position where someone can rip open the wounds. I became aware of this when I had a strangely emotionally charged response to a request from Brian's friend (who was in the accident with Brian) to have dinner with he and his family. It was as if I was thrown back three years. I didn't want to go and I was angry that they would out of the blue ask me to spend time with them when they hadn't so much as called in at least 2 years. I still don't understand why I had such an emotional response, but I no longer feel guilty for choosing not to allow them back into my life. I don't resent them or anything like that....they just aren't "safe" and tend to be very unpredictable. Do I wish that we had a good relationship? Yes. Do I realize that probably isn't ever going to be possible? Yes. I wish them only the best for their life. I've just been hurt by some of their actions and refuse to allow them any more opportunity to hurt me. And, truth be told, they are completely clueless that anything they have ever done has been hurtful....it hasn't been intentional....but it has been painful....and I don't need that.

And so it goes.......

The Pressure Is On....

I am feeling the stress of trying to be a student, mom and employee. Thankfully, by the end of October most of the stress will be relieved (for school anyways). I am finding it increasingly difficult to carve out large blocks of time necessary to really pump out the work. Just about the time I get in a groove in writing my paper something else has to take precedence.

I'm not complaining. I still love school. It challenges me and I am benefiting from the personal growth it has demanded. I am thankful for the opportunity, it's just difficult to really focus on anything for longer than a couple of hours.

One of the things I most appreciate about the opportunity to go to school is that every time I go to class and hear a presentation I am challenged to evaluate myself, my parenting, my spiritual life, my professional life, etc. I am often reminded of areas that need to be improved or made aware of issues that I hadn't considered.

However, there's still a lot of unanswered questions for me about my purpose and future. Sometimes I feel like the Karate Kid. I feel like I am being asked to do a lot of things that aren't completely obvious to me why I am doing them....but I keep waxing on, waxing off...trusting that God has a plan. I know I am going to school to learn but I have no idea how this fits into God's purpose for my life. So, I just keep training....putting in the work in hopes it will some day pay off.

The pressure is definitely on....I've got 9 pages written out of 30 and it's due in 3 weeks. Add to that three children who have 9 millon needs and a job that always keeps me hopping....the result is some significant stress....

For the month of November....I will be so grateful.

Another Lexi Story....

Lexi is going through a real growing season spiritually. We have had some of the best discussions lately. I am thankful for the way her faith has become visible to me.

Today, in church, our pastor talked about events in our lives that are seered into our memories as spiritual markers. I didn't get to hear the whole sermon but I did hear some of it. I also noticed that people were carrying out small stones afterwards. I asked Lexi what she learned in church today (she sat in church with Miss Laura) and what the stone was for.

She told me that the stone was to remind her of what God did for us. I asked her what her stone reminded her of. She very quickly answered that it reminded her of how God helped us when daddy died.

I couldn't help but be touched by that. At this point in her life, the one thing that she knows God has done for us is that He helped us through her daddy's death. Wow. Only God can do that. Only God can allow something so tragic to be a defining point in a child's faith. Lexi knows God was with us.....what more could I ask or hope for.

I feel especially grateful for God's presence in our lives....

The Invisible Woman

My sister put me on to this video. I found it to be very insightful and inspiring. I pray that I would be willing to build cathedrals in my children....I may never see the result but I pray someone will....and I pray that it will be God who is glorfied.....Building cathedrals take sacrifice, may I be willing to sacrifice.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0#

The clouds are lifting....

I am grateful that over the past week or so God has showed Himself to me in several different ways. I have needed that. It has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my disposition.

One of the most difficult things for me continues to be the absence of the "voice of reason". Brian was always able to let me vent about work and help me sift through what was true and what was imagined. I miss that so much. I try to work through issues in my head but it just isn't the same. I honestly don't know how to learn to compensate for that. There is a limit to what others can do for me. They have their own lives and their own needs and issues. I can't rely on other people for that or I fear I will wear out our friendship.

I've learned to use a weedeater, buy parts for my lawnmower, manage a commercial building, negotiate with contractors, and juggle my schedule to squeeze out every last minute of available working and studying time. But, I can't figure out how to bridge that emotional gap that exists without a spouse. I can't be what Brian was to me. I can't encourage myself and affirm myself. I can't do that.

I don't know what to do about that. But I am learning some things not to do....maybe after that list is made what I can do will become more obvious.

Work has smoothed out. After having a week where all I heard was complaints, I had the opposite happen this week. Random people shared compliments about the ministry that served to encourage me. I am finding some new passions within my responsibilities. I see some opportunities to minister that excite me. I've had some luck enlisting some additional volunteers and made some adjustments in areas that needed it. God has been good to me. His timing seems a little delayed but that's from my perspective. I was reminded this week that God is always at work (John 5:17). I needed that reminder.

My role as a landlord/building manager has taken a positive turn. The relationship that has developed between me and my tenant is nothing short of miraculous. There has been a complete turn-around (f0r the better) in that relationship. I have been able to take care of some issues lately and in turn that has boosted my confidence in myself. My tenant has been complimentary (holy cow that is amazing) of my performance in managing the building. I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the guy who was managing my building prior to March 2008. I see now what a lousy job he was doing. I was too fragile to deal with it before then. It was too much for me to even consider. Now, I actually enjoy some of it. I like taking care of my own business. It feels empowering. I have a stronger sense of ownership now (which is silly because I have always owned the building) and I take pride in the way it looks and the way it is being taken care of.

Lexi and I are having some good discussions about what it means to follow Christ. We attended a musical at our church on Sunday night. Braden was a major handful to keep contained and my attention was constantly being averted to him. In the meantime, I noticed Lexi writing a note. I asked her about it later. She went and got an offering envelope that she had folded up and showed it to me. At first, she wouldn't show it to me or tell me about it. She said "it was very important" and she didn't want to talk about it. After some prodding she opened it up and it said "To: Mom From: Lexi I want to ask God into my heart". This was another reminder to me that God was at work in our family. We have talked about it each night this week and I believe she is very close to making that decision. Actually, she wants to do it now but I have been slowing her down a bit to make sure she understands the importance of the decision. I've asked her to find 3 people to interview about when they decided to follow Christ. She has a couple of questions she is supposed to ask them. After she does that I told her we would talk about it again. I am praying that God will continue to work in her life and that I will know how to guide her through this process. Over the years I have helped hundreds of kids accept Christ...this is what I have looked forward to since becoming a parent....leading my own children to Christ.....what a huge responsibility and blessing.


.....yes, the clouds are lifting....and for that, I am soooooo grateful.

Not there yet....

It's been a while since I last updated my blog. It's been a rough week or so. There are lots of issues brewing at work and I am trying my best to get things under control. It seems to be a season of difficulty right now. I have heard more complaints about various issues over the past two weeks than I have heard in a couple of years. It seems that every where I turn someone is unhappy or wanting more of something. I am trying to evaluate my performance and figure out what I can do better to avoid some of it. I am also making some changes so that, hopefully, my kids can go to worship with me at least once or twice a month. As it stands, I never get to go unless I have a direct responsibility in the service...which isn't very often.

I am a little discouraged about where I am right now. Nothing is really clicking for me. Friendships are fading, connections are weakening and I think people are frustrated with me being discouraged.

I'm not there yet....I'm not where I want to be....I believe I am on the right path, but I am not there yet. Not only am I not there yet, I am also frustrated with the fact that I am not there yet. I am trying to remind myself to find joy in the journey...its working to a degree but its a struggle.

I went to church in Oklahoma this weekend with my family. I got to go to church with no responsibilities (and that was nice). However, I didn't fit there either. I really just wanted to be at my church worshipping with the people I have grown to love. I did learn a few things. My nephew, who is 15, shared his testimony that morning. It wasn't polished and it wasn't perfectly smooth. However, God spoke to me through it. He reminded me that all of us have a story and God uses our stories to minister to people. My nephew shared how after he gave his testimony at a backyard VBS that two kids wanted to follow Christ. One of the kids came up to Cody (my nephew) afterwards and said "I like your story. I want Jesus". Cody was blown away that God could use his simple story to reach someone.

Isn't that what it is all about? Each of us have a story....and God wants to use those stories to bring people to Him.

I pray my story would honor God and would speak of God's love and compassion....may I be willing (just like Cody was) to share it and trust God with the results....

Nope, I am not there yet....but I am on my way...

Seasons and Change

We've begun to catch a small glimpse of the season change that is coming here in Texas. Granted, our seasons are very mild and we tend to live in two or three seasons at once. Texas is a great place to live if you aren't too fond of extreme seasonal changes.

I've been thinking about this concept of "seasons" a lot today. If I look at my life I can recognize many different seasons of life, love and ministry. Most of those seasonal changes came with very little warning and some of the seasons I have experienced have been extreme and harsh.

In terms of my life right now, I have begun to realize that I really have very little control over the seasons of my life. I certainly did not choose to be in this season of single parenting, yet that is where I am at.

One of the things that I have thought about today is that while we can't control the seasons (of nature or of our life), we can adapt and adjust to them. There are certain things that we do to prepare for the season of winter. We put covers over our faucets, we check the heating unit, we put pre-emergent down (learned that just this year), etc. We prepare for it because we know these adjustmets need to be made in order to benefit from the seasonal change.

I find myself struggling to make the adjustments necessary to benefit from the change of seasons in my own life. I am still trying to act as though it is Spring in my life....when really, it's winter. It's foolish of me not to recognize that things have changed and so must I.

I came home from work today at lunch and cried a good long cry. I found myself standing in the kitchen crying out to God in a similar way I found myself the day Brian died. I told God, just like I told everyone that day, "I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do"....

I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what is best for my kids right now. I really don't know what is best for me.

The only thing that keeps running through my head is this...."a new season was forced on me....I need to make adjustments....and realize that Spring will be here again....but not until the work of winter is done"

God, I thank you for seasons of life, love and ministry. Help me to recognize the adjustments that need to be made and give me the courage to make those changes.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place...

I am usually a very stable person. I don't get too excited and I don't get too depressed about many things. I guess I could be seen as boring and hard to read. I have a difficult time expressing what I am feeling so I usually just keep it to myself.

Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. I'm really not comfortable functioning that way. It's very frustrating and disconcerting.

I feel "different". I am struggling to know where I fit in anymore. I don't feel single but it is becoming painfully more obvious that I have less and less in common with married people. I find myself having negative feelings about the difference in my life and in the life of others. Maybe it's delayed anger. It makes me a little angry that my list of responsibilities has gotten so long. I guess I am just struggling with the life that I now have and wondering why I am in this position...a.k.a. "why isn't life a little more fair"?

On the other hand, I know we have made such great progess. I believe my kids are going to be more than just ok. We have our good days and bad days, but I don't think they are suffering much more than any other average kid in America. I also truly believe that I have done my best to work through this loss and that eventually the sun will shine again....brightly!

I go from "knowing" this is where I am supposed to be to "questioning" myself mercilessly.

Spiritually, I am trying to put myself in a position where I am as close to God as I can possibly be so that I will be able to follow His lead. It's not always easy to make the time necessary to hear His voice. My life is so noisy right now. I've got to find those quiet moments and treasure them. I've worked on that this week and I plan to continue to pursue Him until I am confident in His direction for my life.

The kids are doing well in school and Braden seems to be doing much better. We have established a routine and I am trying to be more deliberate about teaching them principles from the Bible. Tonight we had "family time" and we talked about Ephesians 6. Of course I had to emphasize the "honor" your parents part, but it is also a chapter about doing your best as though you are doing it for God. I see some sloppiness in their efforts and so I challenged them to do their best even when they don't feel like it.

I guess the bottom line is that there are just a lot of "unsettled" feelings right now. It's not depression so much as it is confusion and uncertainty. I am praying God will help me sift through the issues that cause those feelings and make wise choices.

I want to be nothing less than obedient to God and His call on my life. God, give me the courage to do that.

An eventful day....

This is a picture of some roses that were delivered to the office this afternoon for me. I tried to count how many there were and I stopped at 70. I have never seen so many roses in one vase. The card said it was in appreciation for what you do for our little ones and was signed from FBC Preschool Parents. I don't know what to say. I have been discouraged lately. I am so thankful for the position that God has given me and for the way the church has ministered to me and the kids over the years. I feel unworthy of such a gift. I am humbled and reminded of God's goodness in my life, even in the midst of great struggle He is there.

The kids and I ended up celebrating Brian's birthday a little differently that we had in the past. One of the best traits about Brian was his generosity. He was a giver and often helped people in tangible ways. I shared with the kids a story about one time when he delivered a gift to someone and left it on their front porch for them to find when they came home. He never told the people that he did it and I remember being so proud of him and his thoughtfulness (the family had their clothes dryer go out and they needed a new one but didn't have the money...so he went to Best Buy and loaded one up in his pickup and dropped it off at their house while they were gone). To this day they don't know that he did that.

The kids liked that story and so I told them I wanted to do something for someone else in honor of their dad's birthday. We chose a family in our church who has taken in 6 children. We went to Target and bought a basket full of stuff that they could use. We drove it out to their house and I let the kids deliver it.

We then came home and ate Brian's favorite cake with some good friends.

It was simple....but a good day.

I hope the kids will remember the joy they got from being generous. I hope they will grow up to be generous like their dad.

I was still sad today. I hate it that he isn't here. But, it was an ok day.

I think Brian would have been pleased to see what we did today.

It wasn't a perfect day any means.....the kids were grumpy at times and I was impatient....but we muddled through it and made a new memory of giving.

For Brian's life and the lessons he taught us....I am grateful.