Here's to 2009

It's New Year's Eve and I am home alone, and that is ok.  My kids are in Oklahoma (they come back tomorrow) and so I am enjoying my last little bit of "me" time.  If I am honest, I wish I weren't alone, but I am so I might as well be content with it.

I just installed a Carbon Monoxide alarm in my bedroom so I can sleep without worrying about my gas fireplace.  So, all should be well and safe in my home.

As I look towards 2009 here are some things I'd like to either do or do better (I am intentionally avoiding the term resolution--less accountable I guess):

1.  I want to get a passport.  I just might want to go somewhere someday and I want to be ready.

2.  I want to be less cautious.  

3.  I want to do better at teaching my kids spiritual truths and principles.

4.  I want to give more.  I am thinking of trying to do one generous thing a month for someone anonymously.  I want to teach my kids how to be givers.

5.  I want to take more risks in my work and find creative ways to do new ministry.

6.  I'd like to change some things in my house.  However, everything works fine and looks fine so it is hard to justify spending money when I don't really need it.  I guess I'd like some change just because it might feel like I was moving forward.  I know I am moving forward but my house reminds me of my past.

7.  I want to take better care of myself.  I need to exercise more and eat healthier.

8.  I want to continue my education and find ways to use my education and life experiences to fulfill the purpose God has for me.  I don't know exactly what that will mean but God seems to be giving me some new passions and desires. 

9.  I want to spend some one on one time with Braden.  I don't know if that will mean we take a short trip together or just that I make more of an effort to do special things with just him.  

10.  I want to rent a camper and take the kids camping.  No tent camping for me, thank you very much.  They have been wanting to do this and it's time I try to make that happen.

So, there it is....Here's to 2009.

Life and Gas Fireplaces

The kids are in Oklahoma with my family for a few days and so I am enjoying some much needed time alone.  I am studying for the NCE and trying to recover from a ridiculously busy holiday season.

Last night I had the gas fireplace on in my bathroom/bedroom.  It's one of my favorite things about my house.  There is just nothing like a warm bathroom in the winter (even though it has been pretty mild here). 

I turned it off and was getting ready to get in bed when I heard a hissing sound.  I didn't think much of it at first but then I got to worrying about carbon monoxide.  I laid there in bed and thought I don't want to die and I am afraid my fireplace is leaking gas.  The longer I laid there listening to the hissing sound the more worried I got.  It occurred to me that I might fall asleep and never wake up (if the hissing sound was some type of gas leak).

I decided to get up and turn off the fireplace completely.  I removed the cover and turned the pilot off and the hissing stopped.

I got back in bed and realized how far I have come in this journey.  There was a time (actually a long time) when the fear of death didn't phase me.  I didn't care if I died because I wasn't sure life was all that worth living.  I was by no means suicidal, I'm not suggesting that at all.  I just wasn't all that convinced that I should worry about death because my life had become such a bummer.

The fear and dread of death has returned.  I don't want to die right now.  I want to see my kids grow up (that thought was racing through my mind last night as I was trying to decide what to do about the hissing sound).  I have a purpose in life that I want to fulfill.  Life is sweet enough to want to keep pushing forward.   I think that's a really, really, good thing.

Someday, when my kids read this they may think I was off my rocker to think this was a significant "aha" moment.  But, I know what I felt last night and I recognize the significance of that, even if no one else does.

Life and gas fireplaces.....for the gift and joy of life I am grateful....and that feels really good!

You know you are a widow when....

My mom asked me a few months back what I'd like for Christmas. I told her I wanted a cordless screwdriver/drill. It seems that every time I have to hang something up or put something together I have to borrow my neighbors.

So, I got a cordless screwdriver/drill for Christmas from my parents. And, I was thrilled. Until, I started looking at it and noticed it was a 12 volt....and I thought to myself, I wonder if that is powerful enough. Maybe I should return it and get an 18/24 volt for more power....

And...then, I smiled and laughed to myself....thinking, "did I really just think that?"

Yep, you know you are a widow when you ask for a tool for Christmas and then wonder if it is powerful enough....

My how life can change things....

Another first....

Well, Nathan and I had our first discussion about sex tonight. He's nine years old and it was a needed conversation. His cousin, who is nineteen, just shared the news with my family that his girlfriend is pregnant. Thus, I felt like I had to talk with Nathan before we went home for Christmas.

It really wasn't all that bad. It was a fairly brief talk with mostly general information.

I was concerned that his cousin Blake would tell him all about the situation and I wanted him to hear it from me and be able to answer his questions.

My parents are wonderful parents, but they never talked with me about sex. I want things to be different with my kids. I want them to feel open to talk about it and I want them to get correct information from me (instead of relying on faulty info from their friends).

I hope the door is now open for him to ask questions and get answers. The seminar that I attended this semester really convicted me that I needed to begin the dialogue with him.

Unfortunately, Tyler's situation has forced me to do that. I pray for him because he has some huge decisions to make. I also hurt for my brother and sister-in-law because this has been a difficult thing to work through.

If nothing else, I no longer fear or dread the conversation with my boys. It was actually a very positive experience and I look forward to doing things a little differently than my parents.

For another first....that wasn't too bad....I am grateful.

For Nathan....

One of the biggest reasons I blog is that I hope it provides a written legacy of the journey the kids and I have been on. My guess is that someday my kids will enjoy reading about what life was like when they were little.

So, today, this one's for you Nathan.....


Nathan,

I want you to know how proud I am of you. Today was one of those days that God gave me a glimpse of how He has many great plans for you.

Today was our three-way conference at your school. Your teacher sat down with me and you to discuss your progress. The highlight of the conference for me was when Mrs. B. told us that you had scored a perfect score in science and you had the highest reading score in your class on your benchmark tests. Wow! Double Wow!

It's not important to me that you be "the best" in your class, it is important to be that you be "your best". You have worked hard to become an awesome reader.

I attended a presentation this week that outlined all the reasons you might struggle in school and in life because of the fact that you are being raised by a single parent. I was so discouraged after that presentation because I want you to reach your fullest potential and having only one living parent is definitely a disadvantage.

However, you have risen to the ocassion and have learned to overcome setbacks and obstacles. I remember the first three way conference that we had after your dad's death. Your teacher told us that you weren't behind in reading but you had slipped a little. You were in the middle of the pack....not the best reader, but also not the worst. She told us that she was confident you would make good progress and thought that considering all you had been through you were doing wonderfully.

Fast forward to today....3 1/2 years later...your teacher tells us that you scored the highest in reading in your class. This is an achievement that has never happened before. You have always done well but there have always been several kids ahead of you.

I couldn't be prouder of you.....reading didn't come easy for you. You really had to work at it. Now, you are soaring.

I am so very proud of you and I know God has great things in store for you....Think BIG!

Love,

Mom

Habakkuk

I stumbled across the book of Habakkuk today. It's not a book I have spent much time reading. I don't know that I ever have studied it, before today.

It's always amazing to me how God's Word is alive and timeless. Any time I earnestly study a passage, God speaks to me.

At this point in my life, the book of Habakkuk resonates with me for a variety of reasons:

1. Habakkuk was honest (brutally honest) with God about his questions related to God's sense of fairness and justice. Habukkuk didn't understand why God was allowing evil men to prosper. He questioned how God could allow evil to occur. It's the age old theolgoical debate, If God is good, why do bad things happen?

2. God responded to Habakkuk's plea for answers. He assured Habakkuk that He had a plan and that His plan would serve an eternal purpose. He reminded Habakkuk that justice will prevail and that He is sovereign. He also spoke truth about those who trust in anything but Him (ouch).

3. In Chapter 3 we see that Habakkuk recognized God's presence in His life, responded by worshipping God, and determined to trust God...even though things were bad, even though things weren't going well, Habukkuk said "yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour. The Sovereign Lord is my strength..."


Times are uncertain right now. It appears, at times, that evil is flourishing. The economic state of our country is a reflection of greed, dishonesty, poor management, and scandal. I have been reminded that we should never put our trust in what we "build" for ourselves. God can and will use "evil" to accomplish His purposes. I wonder how His purposes will be accomplished in the coming days, months and years.

It's interesting that Habakkuk describes God as Sovereign. If you read chapter one it looks like "sovereignty" is a huge issue for Habakkuk. Yet, by the end of the book, he uses it as a descriptor for God.

Habakkuk is going through an incredibly difficult time. His country is about to be attacked by the Babylonians. Yet, he pursues God, listens to God, and then determines to trust Him as a Sovereign God.....and he finds JOY in that.

Wow....I see an example for me to follow: 1). Be honest before God with my questions 2). Listen, really listen for God to respond (Habbukuk said he would wait until God spoke) 3). Trust God. Find joy in serving a Sovereign God.

This book serves as another reminder to me that it is ok to question God. Questioning God starts the conversation....it gets the dialogue going.....it brings us to the point of being ready to listen. God isn't surprised when we express the dissonance of serving a perfect God while living in a dying, evil world.

Like Job, Habakkuk allows His encounter with God to redefine his faith and provide hope for his life. My guess is that both Job and Habukkuk found a life of purpose and joy that never would have happened had they not endured evil, questioned God, listened to God's response, and purposed to trust God and His purposes.

I want to be like them.....help me trust, really trust in the sovereignty of God.....and may His joy become my strength.

Back to Reality....studying for the NCE

Now that this semester is almost over, it's time to focus on the NCE.  I have tentatively set January 8th as my exam date.  

For me, it's going to be very challenging.  Most people take the NCE right after they finish their master's degree.  Not me, it's been 10 years!  I found out the week of my graduation that I was pregnant with Nathan.  Needless to say, the NCE was the last thing on my mind for a few years.

But, now, it's time.  I'll finish up my client contact hours within the next couple of months (3,000 hours...it's taken over 4 years).  The only thing left to do is take the NCE.

I studied about 5 hours today and plan to spend most of the day tomorrow studying.  My kids left to go to Oklahoma today and so I will have until Tuesday to get a jump start on the studying.  Then, I guess I will try to allocate at least an hour every night to study.  

Hopefully, I can pass it.  I've never failed an important test but this one is quite intimidating.  The breadth of the material is overwhelming to me right now.

A new challenge....hope I can meet it.

Top Ten Things I'm Thankful For this Thanksgiving...

Here we go...Shelly's Top Ten at Ten.....

10.  I am thankful for the opportunities for growth that have presented themselves this year.

9.  I am thankful for the way God provides for me and the kids.

8.  I am thankful for my mom who has helped me during the busy times of school.  I am especially thankful that she is going with Nathan on an overnight field trip this week so I don't miss an oral exam.

7.  I am thankful that things in Granbury have improved and that most all of our issues have been resolved.

6.  I am thankful that the corporate tax returns are completely up to date.  This is a huge relief.

5.  I am thankful that it has been 3 1/2 years since Brian's death.  I am so grateful that most of the really hard grieving is over...and that we have made great strides to rebuild our life.

4.  I am thankful that we now have a routine and some rituals that work for us as a family.  We have created a good post-Brian life.

3.  I am thankful that I've begun to understand the really important things in life.....family, faith, love, and friendship.

2.  I am thankful for a good job, wonderful friends, and an incredible church family.

1.  I am thankful for the remnants of Brian that I get to enjoy on a daily basis....my children.

And one thing more....I am thankful for God and the way He has worked in my heart and life.  I do trust Him.....I don't understand Him, but I completely trust Him......

Even with the trust....I still wish I could catch a glimpse of my future....sometimes I think I am so content to just be the best mom I can be and not worry about anything else.  Other days, I realize how lonely I am....and wish I knew if I would ever get to experience marriage again....it's the not knowing that is sometimes hard.  The future is mysterious.....but my "present" is good...a little lonely, but life is still sweet.....it really is.

Hey Mom...

I was sitting in the car reading an email on my blackberry when Braden leaned over my shoulder and said "Hey mom, can you text God?"

This weekend his babysitter revealed the fun of texting people when she had the kids text me a message while I was in a meeting. I guess Braden thought if he could text me, then maybe we could text God.

I asked him what he would tell God if he texted Him. In typical Braden fashion he said something completely off the wall. He said "wood". Confused the heck out of me. I still can't figure out why he would want to text God "wood". I clarified what he meant and it was "wood" not "would".

A few seconds later he said, "no, maybe I would text ...I love you". And, that was enough to melt my heart for the evening.

You just never know what is going to come out of his mouth.....for all the smiles and joy he brings to my life, I am grateful.

Time....

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander, and when I do it always drifts towards thoughts of Brian and the life that we shared. Today was no different. I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and wondering if I should change any of the things that we do or try to start some new traditions. Then the thought crossed my mind that Braden has spent more Christmases with just me than with his dad. Ouch.

Later, I was laying on the couch staring at all the pictures in my built-in shelves and I found myself looking at our wedding picture and wondering "HOW exactly did this happen?" How did my happily ever after end at 35? It's not so much "why" but "HOW"?

Even though it has been three and a half years, I still find myself shaking my head wondering how my life might be different if Brian were still here.

There are still some moments of "disbelief". Surely this didn't happen to me and my family. But, it did.

It's just not right.

It's just not what I had planned or envisioned for me and the kids.

I guess today is just one of those days when it still hurts.


Yet, if I am honest, I can still see the hand of God in my life. The journey has produced some needed growth. My heart is still full of the love and memories of our life together. I am content with those memories. They are what they are....memories.

The memories provide context for my life....they provide an incredible emotional inheritance for my kids....but they can't sustain me forever....nor do I want or expect them to. There are times when I think I am living on the fumes of my past instead of opening myself up to whatever may be ahead. On the other hand, I think we've moved forward at a healthy pace...maybe not as quickly as others but certainly not as slow as many.

Maybe it all boils down to this.....I don't want to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about our life together. I do want my kids to always have that connection. But, for me, to try to stay so closely connected may be an unhealthy thing. I don't want to be 50 years old still laying on my couch on a Sunday afternoon thinking about Brian. At what point does that become unhealthy? I guess if I was 70 and lost my husband then I would give myself permission to never get over him. But, I'm 38 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing things were different.

Regardless of how confused and uncertain I may be, We are moving forward.....and for the most part, our life is good and sweet.....and, for that, I am truly grateful........

Growth Point

I mentioned earlier this Fall that Nathan was struggling in school with his new teacher. Nathan really wanted me to get him transferred to another class. He cried many tears over his frustrations with this new teacher.

As a result, I had a conversation with the teacher and the principal about issues I was concerned about. It was uncomfortable and stressful. I don't like confrontation and I try to reserve complaints for the really big stuff. Teachers have enough stress without parents adding to it.

One of my fears was that I had set Nathan up for a hard year with his teacher. I thought maybe she would hold it against him and be harder on him. I also worried that I had turned into "one of those parents" that principals deal with on an all too frequent basis.

So, I worried that my relationship with the teacher and principal had been harmed and that Nathan might feel some effects of that.

Report cards came out this week and I was pleased and relieved when Nathan received his best report card yet. His teacher said the most kind things any teacher has ever said about him. I am proud of Nathan for overcoming his frustrations and working through the issues. I am thankful for a teacher that can listen to concerns, make adjustments and still be objective about the performance of a child in her class.

In addition, I received a letter in the mail from the principal inviting me to be a part of our "Campus Education Improvement Committee". This committee is made up of parents, teachers and community leaders and is by invitation of the principal. I look forward to being part of a group that supports, encourages and enhances the learning in our school. I have never wanted to be anything but supportive and so this Fall was a particularly difficult situation to be in. I am thankful that my fears and worries were unfounded and that the relationship with Nathan's teacher and the principal is strong.

This fall has been a growth point for both of us. It hasn't been easy or fun but I think we did it in a way that has helped us grow in our ability to address issues and work together towards a solution.

I'm especially proud of Nathan. One of the comments from his teacher was extra special. She said, "Nathan has such a sweet, gentle nature and these qualities are evident in the way he interacts with others." When I read that I thought to myself "he's just like his daddy". Brian was one of the kindest men I have ever known. I know he is proud of Nathan too.

For my children, I am grateful.....for the way they reflect their dad, I am blessed.

An unexpected blessing in disguise...

I would have been offended if someone had told me that Brian's death would actually bring our family closer....yet, today I realized the kids and I have bonded in an emotional and spiritual way that few families experience while their kids are so young.

The topic in class today was on the "heart connection" that is necessary for children to develop with their parents. For once, I walked away from class feeling like this was an area that we had some strength in as a family.

I do feel connected to my kids emotionally and spiritually. We have had some intense bonding times over the past 3 1/2 years.

When I think about feeling close to my own parents ,I think of those defining moments that usually occur around deaths, graduations, special milestones, failures, etc. I think I remember every time I have ever seen my dad cry. It was during those times when he was most vulnerable that I felt the most connected.

My kids (particularly Nathan and Lexi) have been exposed to my vulnerabilities to an extent that is not typical. We have cried together on numerous occasions....they have seen me cry more times than they will ever be able to remember....as a result, I believe the connnection is very strong.

To be sure, we have also had a lot of fun, happy, light times. We have not quit living over the past 3 1/2 years. We have made some incredible memories together. Those memories are treasured by all of us beause we understand how important it is to make memories.

In addition, my kids still have a strong heart connection with their dad....I am thankful that he invested in them heavily so that they have many memories to draw from when they want/need to feel connected with their dad.

A blessing in disguise was recognized today....we have worked hard (as hard as I have ever worked at anything in my life) to grow forward as a family and to express emotion with each other authentically....and I am grateful for the strong relationship that has developed with my kids (it's not perfect by any means, and there will be many tests of it as they get older....)....but, I do have a lot of hope and faith that my kids are going to be more than just ok.....and for that, I am grateful.

Fun Times with the Family....

We carved pumpkins this afternoon. The kids consider this another tradition that can't be dropped. I guess I enjoy it too. I don't like the mess it makes but the kids always look forward to it. This is proably the last Halloween that we will have the table in our backyard. I am having some trees cut down in my yard because they are dead and this table is on the list of things for them to haul off. The wood is splitting and rotted. I tried treating it a couple of years ago and it helped a little. Brian built this one summer and the kids think it is special because he made it. It is special, but it is also falling apart. I guess we'll figure out where the new pumpkin carving spot is next year....

We have had lots of interesting conversations lately. Braden has become the child who isn't afraid to bring any topic up. Whatever is on his mind, he asks about it or talks about it. There are no taboo topics for him....and that keeps life interesting for the rest of us.

Last night we talked about what I would do if God put a baby in my tummy, if I was going to get married again, and a few other uncomfortable issues. Braden doesn't accept the simple answers. He has to ask a millon questions in order to try to wrap his mind around it. He could not understand why God couldn't put a baby in my tummy right now. He apparently has decided he would like to be a big brother. We went round and round and round on this issue. I even heard myself say "Braden, Iam too old to have a baby....God wouldn't do that...." That one hurt a little....to be admitting that I am getting "older" and past the child-bearing stage....ouch.

No, I don't want anymore babies....for obvious reasons...but even if Brian were here I wouldn't be interested...it's nice to have moved past that stage in life. Although, I wouldn't trade it for the world....I just am glad we are past that....amen!

I emailed my paper off to my professors this afternoon. It sure felt good to be done with another major paper. I still have the presentation to prepare for and I have some ideas but not sure I can make it all happen. I found a great Saturday Night Skit but I can't figure out how to download it to my computer. My paper is on overindulgence and entitlement. http://www.hulu.com/watch/38477/saturday-night-live-update-thursday-fix-it-109
(the "fix it" skit is midway through the video....you'll know you are there when Oscar Rogers comes on as the financial advisor for the weekend update)


The link above takes you to the skit... It's a reflection of the entitlement our country suffers from...we want someone else to fix it and we want it done NOW....and no one wants to take responsibility for their own bad choices...we just want the government to rescue us all....but that's not really what the paper is about, it's more about overindulgence and entitlement in families....

I have learned a lot by writing this paper....my kids have gotten several lectures from me...one of them was tonight. They have actually responded very well to some of the talks we have had. I am sure when they grow up the will need counseling from all the "by the way kids, I learned something today that I want us to talk about...." type conversations that we have been having.

Lots of fun times with the family lately....for that (and being done with my paper) I am grateful.

Meet "Shelly the Plumber"

My job description grew today when I put on my plumber's hat and made quite a memory with the kids.

I was peeling carrots for the soup I am making for tomorrow's dinner for supper club. Instead of putting the peels in the trash I opted for the easy way and decided to put them down the disposal. Bad choice. As a result, my sink got clogged and I was faced with a plumbing issue that had to be solved.

I tried several things to try to unclog the sink. I sent Braden to get the plunger and even tried using it multiple times with no results.

By this time the crowd had gathered and the kids were curious as to what I was doing.

Without any hesitation I decided to look under the sink and try to figure out what was going on. Imagine me with my head stuck under the sink and all three kids peering in trying to see what I was doing. It would have been a priceless picture.

I quickly (and I was so impressed with myself) realized what the issue had to be. It had to be that the pipe was clogged from the disposal to the main pipe. I knew this because I ran water down the other side of the drain and it did not get clogged.

So, I asked Braden to go get me a really big towel. I anticipated that I might have some water come out when I disconnected the pipe. Again, yeah for me for even thinking that, right?

Well, as soon as I got the pipe disconnected it showed carrot peelings crammed so tight that water could not get through it. I celebrated my find and began unpacking the carrot peelings. All the while I was bragging on myself to the kids....Look how mom figured this out....yeah mom!

Well, what I did not anticipate was the amount of water that would come gushing out once the carrot peelings were removed. Water SURGED out of the pipe and flooded the area under the sink, soaked my jeans and sent the kids running for cover.

My immediate reaction (after I yelled for them to go get lots of towels...BIG towels) was to laugh hysterically. And then the kids started laughing.....

At some point in this widow journey it became ok to laugh about the predicaments I find myself in instead of crying over them. I remember the first year or so every time something went wrong in the house I felt helpless and frustrated that he wasn't there to help me.

Now, most of the time, when something like this happens I find myself jumping in and trying to figure out....and then laughing at myself if I don't or if things don't go quite the way I expected.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be "Shelly the plumber"....but since I have to be, we might as well have fun at it....


For good laughs and great memories, I am grateful.

I wondered today....

I was outside doing some yard work when, for some reason, the thought hit me "I wonder what Brian would think if he pulled into our driveway and walked in the front door?" I don't know why I sometimes have these odd thoughts that begin to take me down a thought process that is interesting and sometimes emotional.

I wondered what he would notice as being different and what would seem familiar?

Would he compliment me on the flower beds or the lawn? Would he realize what a stretch it has been for me to try to take care of it all? Would he notice some of the new flowers and bushes that I put in that look so nice right now?

Would he be surprised to learn that I had gone back to school? Would he question why I put the kids in piano lessons (especially Nathan since I am sure he would rather see him doing "sports")?

Would he think its cool that we have developed a Friday night tradition that includes pizza (his family tradition growing up) and a movie (his favorite thing to do)? The kids insist that we do this EVERY Friday....if we don't, they want it done on Saturday night.

What would he think about Nathan's longer hair? Actually, I think he would be proud that I have allowed him a little bit of freedom in that area.

How would he like the new bedding and curtains in our bedroom?

What would he think about the car I purchased this year?

And the questions in my mind kept popping up....

Why?

Why do I wonder what he might think?

Because I still love him and hope that he would be proud of the life I have tried to rebuild.....Because of the love that he gave me I want to continue to think about him sometimes....I want to wonder what he would think....I want to imagine him being proud of us....and maybe laughing at us about a few things.....like the cordless weedeater and blower I bought, I am sure he would get a good laugh about that. And, I am darn good at using those two cordless items. I don't like doing it and my allergies hate me for it, but I have learned to be rather competent at the yardwork.....


For the gift of memories and the blessing of love, I am grateful....profoundly grateful.

The Pressure Is On....

I am feeling the stress of trying to be a student, mom and employee. Thankfully, by the end of October most of the stress will be relieved (for school anyways). I am finding it increasingly difficult to carve out large blocks of time necessary to really pump out the work. Just about the time I get in a groove in writing my paper something else has to take precedence.

I'm not complaining. I still love school. It challenges me and I am benefiting from the personal growth it has demanded. I am thankful for the opportunity, it's just difficult to really focus on anything for longer than a couple of hours.

One of the things I most appreciate about the opportunity to go to school is that every time I go to class and hear a presentation I am challenged to evaluate myself, my parenting, my spiritual life, my professional life, etc. I am often reminded of areas that need to be improved or made aware of issues that I hadn't considered.

However, there's still a lot of unanswered questions for me about my purpose and future. Sometimes I feel like the Karate Kid. I feel like I am being asked to do a lot of things that aren't completely obvious to me why I am doing them....but I keep waxing on, waxing off...trusting that God has a plan. I know I am going to school to learn but I have no idea how this fits into God's purpose for my life. So, I just keep training....putting in the work in hopes it will some day pay off.

The pressure is definitely on....I've got 9 pages written out of 30 and it's due in 3 weeks. Add to that three children who have 9 millon needs and a job that always keeps me hopping....the result is some significant stress....

For the month of November....I will be so grateful.

Another Lexi Story....

Lexi is going through a real growing season spiritually. We have had some of the best discussions lately. I am thankful for the way her faith has become visible to me.

Today, in church, our pastor talked about events in our lives that are seered into our memories as spiritual markers. I didn't get to hear the whole sermon but I did hear some of it. I also noticed that people were carrying out small stones afterwards. I asked Lexi what she learned in church today (she sat in church with Miss Laura) and what the stone was for.

She told me that the stone was to remind her of what God did for us. I asked her what her stone reminded her of. She very quickly answered that it reminded her of how God helped us when daddy died.

I couldn't help but be touched by that. At this point in her life, the one thing that she knows God has done for us is that He helped us through her daddy's death. Wow. Only God can do that. Only God can allow something so tragic to be a defining point in a child's faith. Lexi knows God was with us.....what more could I ask or hope for.

I feel especially grateful for God's presence in our lives....

The clouds are lifting....

I am grateful that over the past week or so God has showed Himself to me in several different ways. I have needed that. It has made a huge difference in my outlook and in my disposition.

One of the most difficult things for me continues to be the absence of the "voice of reason". Brian was always able to let me vent about work and help me sift through what was true and what was imagined. I miss that so much. I try to work through issues in my head but it just isn't the same. I honestly don't know how to learn to compensate for that. There is a limit to what others can do for me. They have their own lives and their own needs and issues. I can't rely on other people for that or I fear I will wear out our friendship.

I've learned to use a weedeater, buy parts for my lawnmower, manage a commercial building, negotiate with contractors, and juggle my schedule to squeeze out every last minute of available working and studying time. But, I can't figure out how to bridge that emotional gap that exists without a spouse. I can't be what Brian was to me. I can't encourage myself and affirm myself. I can't do that.

I don't know what to do about that. But I am learning some things not to do....maybe after that list is made what I can do will become more obvious.

Work has smoothed out. After having a week where all I heard was complaints, I had the opposite happen this week. Random people shared compliments about the ministry that served to encourage me. I am finding some new passions within my responsibilities. I see some opportunities to minister that excite me. I've had some luck enlisting some additional volunteers and made some adjustments in areas that needed it. God has been good to me. His timing seems a little delayed but that's from my perspective. I was reminded this week that God is always at work (John 5:17). I needed that reminder.

My role as a landlord/building manager has taken a positive turn. The relationship that has developed between me and my tenant is nothing short of miraculous. There has been a complete turn-around (f0r the better) in that relationship. I have been able to take care of some issues lately and in turn that has boosted my confidence in myself. My tenant has been complimentary (holy cow that is amazing) of my performance in managing the building. I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the guy who was managing my building prior to March 2008. I see now what a lousy job he was doing. I was too fragile to deal with it before then. It was too much for me to even consider. Now, I actually enjoy some of it. I like taking care of my own business. It feels empowering. I have a stronger sense of ownership now (which is silly because I have always owned the building) and I take pride in the way it looks and the way it is being taken care of.

Lexi and I are having some good discussions about what it means to follow Christ. We attended a musical at our church on Sunday night. Braden was a major handful to keep contained and my attention was constantly being averted to him. In the meantime, I noticed Lexi writing a note. I asked her about it later. She went and got an offering envelope that she had folded up and showed it to me. At first, she wouldn't show it to me or tell me about it. She said "it was very important" and she didn't want to talk about it. After some prodding she opened it up and it said "To: Mom From: Lexi I want to ask God into my heart". This was another reminder to me that God was at work in our family. We have talked about it each night this week and I believe she is very close to making that decision. Actually, she wants to do it now but I have been slowing her down a bit to make sure she understands the importance of the decision. I've asked her to find 3 people to interview about when they decided to follow Christ. She has a couple of questions she is supposed to ask them. After she does that I told her we would talk about it again. I am praying that God will continue to work in her life and that I will know how to guide her through this process. Over the years I have helped hundreds of kids accept Christ...this is what I have looked forward to since becoming a parent....leading my own children to Christ.....what a huge responsibility and blessing.


.....yes, the clouds are lifting....and for that, I am soooooo grateful.

Seasons and Change

We've begun to catch a small glimpse of the season change that is coming here in Texas. Granted, our seasons are very mild and we tend to live in two or three seasons at once. Texas is a great place to live if you aren't too fond of extreme seasonal changes.

I've been thinking about this concept of "seasons" a lot today. If I look at my life I can recognize many different seasons of life, love and ministry. Most of those seasonal changes came with very little warning and some of the seasons I have experienced have been extreme and harsh.

In terms of my life right now, I have begun to realize that I really have very little control over the seasons of my life. I certainly did not choose to be in this season of single parenting, yet that is where I am at.

One of the things that I have thought about today is that while we can't control the seasons (of nature or of our life), we can adapt and adjust to them. There are certain things that we do to prepare for the season of winter. We put covers over our faucets, we check the heating unit, we put pre-emergent down (learned that just this year), etc. We prepare for it because we know these adjustmets need to be made in order to benefit from the seasonal change.

I find myself struggling to make the adjustments necessary to benefit from the change of seasons in my own life. I am still trying to act as though it is Spring in my life....when really, it's winter. It's foolish of me not to recognize that things have changed and so must I.

I came home from work today at lunch and cried a good long cry. I found myself standing in the kitchen crying out to God in a similar way I found myself the day Brian died. I told God, just like I told everyone that day, "I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do"....

I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what is best for my kids right now. I really don't know what is best for me.

The only thing that keeps running through my head is this...."a new season was forced on me....I need to make adjustments....and realize that Spring will be here again....but not until the work of winter is done"

God, I thank you for seasons of life, love and ministry. Help me to recognize the adjustments that need to be made and give me the courage to make those changes.

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place...

I am usually a very stable person. I don't get too excited and I don't get too depressed about many things. I guess I could be seen as boring and hard to read. I have a difficult time expressing what I am feeling so I usually just keep it to myself.

Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the map. I'm really not comfortable functioning that way. It's very frustrating and disconcerting.

I feel "different". I am struggling to know where I fit in anymore. I don't feel single but it is becoming painfully more obvious that I have less and less in common with married people. I find myself having negative feelings about the difference in my life and in the life of others. Maybe it's delayed anger. It makes me a little angry that my list of responsibilities has gotten so long. I guess I am just struggling with the life that I now have and wondering why I am in this position...a.k.a. "why isn't life a little more fair"?

On the other hand, I know we have made such great progess. I believe my kids are going to be more than just ok. We have our good days and bad days, but I don't think they are suffering much more than any other average kid in America. I also truly believe that I have done my best to work through this loss and that eventually the sun will shine again....brightly!

I go from "knowing" this is where I am supposed to be to "questioning" myself mercilessly.

Spiritually, I am trying to put myself in a position where I am as close to God as I can possibly be so that I will be able to follow His lead. It's not always easy to make the time necessary to hear His voice. My life is so noisy right now. I've got to find those quiet moments and treasure them. I've worked on that this week and I plan to continue to pursue Him until I am confident in His direction for my life.

The kids are doing well in school and Braden seems to be doing much better. We have established a routine and I am trying to be more deliberate about teaching them principles from the Bible. Tonight we had "family time" and we talked about Ephesians 6. Of course I had to emphasize the "honor" your parents part, but it is also a chapter about doing your best as though you are doing it for God. I see some sloppiness in their efforts and so I challenged them to do their best even when they don't feel like it.

I guess the bottom line is that there are just a lot of "unsettled" feelings right now. It's not depression so much as it is confusion and uncertainty. I am praying God will help me sift through the issues that cause those feelings and make wise choices.

I want to be nothing less than obedient to God and His call on my life. God, give me the courage to do that.

An eventful day....

This is a picture of some roses that were delivered to the office this afternoon for me. I tried to count how many there were and I stopped at 70. I have never seen so many roses in one vase. The card said it was in appreciation for what you do for our little ones and was signed from FBC Preschool Parents. I don't know what to say. I have been discouraged lately. I am so thankful for the position that God has given me and for the way the church has ministered to me and the kids over the years. I feel unworthy of such a gift. I am humbled and reminded of God's goodness in my life, even in the midst of great struggle He is there.

The kids and I ended up celebrating Brian's birthday a little differently that we had in the past. One of the best traits about Brian was his generosity. He was a giver and often helped people in tangible ways. I shared with the kids a story about one time when he delivered a gift to someone and left it on their front porch for them to find when they came home. He never told the people that he did it and I remember being so proud of him and his thoughtfulness (the family had their clothes dryer go out and they needed a new one but didn't have the money...so he went to Best Buy and loaded one up in his pickup and dropped it off at their house while they were gone). To this day they don't know that he did that.

The kids liked that story and so I told them I wanted to do something for someone else in honor of their dad's birthday. We chose a family in our church who has taken in 6 children. We went to Target and bought a basket full of stuff that they could use. We drove it out to their house and I let the kids deliver it.

We then came home and ate Brian's favorite cake with some good friends.

It was simple....but a good day.

I hope the kids will remember the joy they got from being generous. I hope they will grow up to be generous like their dad.

I was still sad today. I hate it that he isn't here. But, it was an ok day.

I think Brian would have been pleased to see what we did today.

It wasn't a perfect day any means.....the kids were grumpy at times and I was impatient....but we muddled through it and made a new memory of giving.

For Brian's life and the lessons he taught us....I am grateful.

Tomorrow's his birthday....

If Brian were still alive he would be 39 tomorrow.

I've made no plans to celebrate his birthday. I just don't have the energy or desire to do so this year. I've talked with the kids about some ideas for how we could honor him on his birthday. But, I haven't decided what to do yet.

Part of me wants to do nothing. I just don't want to go there.

The other part of me thinks I will regret it if I do nothing.

My kids are expecting something.

Maybe I will delay it to the weekend. Brian's parents are coming in for grandparents day on Thursday. Last year we did a nice dinner. I don't plan to try to recreate that.

I'm just not sure what to do....and I am not sure why I feel so ambivalent about it.

Experience has taught me that I will know what to do when it gets here....things have usually fallen into place or become obvious.

Why do I want to pretend tomorrow is just another day? What does that say about me? What would be best for the kids?

Until tomorrow....praying I will know how to handle it....

Think Big

A couple of weeks ago I told the kids I wanted us to adopt the motto "Think Big" for this school year. I had read a book by the same name about a man who grew up in less than ideal circumstances (raised by a single mom), yet was able to become one of the best brain surgeons in the world.

I am not under the delusion that one of my kids is going to become a top brain surgeon. I was, however, challenged by this book and convicted that I needed to push the kids a little more. This book, in combination with some other books I am reading for a paper, has caused me to review how I was parenting and what adjustments might need to be made.

So, here are some of the changes that we have made over the past 2-3 weeks:

1. No television in the mornings before school.
2. No televison on Sundays at all.
3. Television during the week is much more limited. They can watch one 30 minute show in the afternoon and one show in the evening.
4. Each week-night they are to do 30 minutes of "Think Big" time. This is time when they do something above and beyond what they are being asked to do in school. For Nathan, we have been focusing on multiplication facts. For Lexi, we have been learning 100 spelling words that are frequently used in 2nd grade. For both of them, they may practice piano or practice typing with the typing program I have for them to learn to type on the computer. Nathan is also allowed to draw during this time.
5. We are going running/walking or doing some type of physical activity every evening that weather permits and we aren't already committed to an activity.
6. They have to help me set the table and clean up the dishes after the evening meal.
7. When we come home from school they have to pick up their rooms before they can watch television.
8. They have to read every night before they go to bed (this has been true for a long time and isn't really anything new).

We have been doing most of this for about two weeks now. They are finally to the point where they don't mind it and they comply without expressing their lack of enthusiasm.

My favorite change has been the absence of television and the noise it creates. I actually considered unplugging the television from the back and just telling the kids it no longer worked. I decided I couldn't lie to them but I could determine how much they watched. It wasn't that they watched it all the time...we still had limits.....but, it seemed like it had became one of the most important things to them.

One thing I have noticed is that I have shifted my parenting focus more to trying to "teach" them to become independent. I find myself "showing" them how to do more things and encouraging them to learn new skills so that they can handle things on their own. It is a very cool experience to see them begin to take on responsibility and be successful at it.

I am also trying to make decisons about how I spend my time more carefully. I can't do everything that a two-parent family can. I have said "no" to some things or chosen not to get involved in things that create more stress for my family. It's not that I don't want to do all the things that I used to be able to do...it's that I can't. I can't cook a meal for every family that has a baby or go to every shower that I get invited to. I no longer feel guilty about having to say "no". I think for quite a while I tried to do everything that I always did....I tried to be a single parent who could do things that two-parent families can do....and I now realize that that is unrealistic.

I still care about people and want to be generous and want to serve....I just can't do it the same way. As the kids get older I am certain I will be able to do more....for now, I just can't.

I think this is just part of "rebuilding" our life. I am more aware of the issues that I struggle with and I am now able to make better decisions for our family.

I like that we are "thinking big" this year.....I think that is progress....

A first....

Nathan is in fourth grade. He has always been a good student and received high marks for his behavior from every teacher he ever had. One time in kindergarten he had to sign the "sad" book. After that, he has never had a note sent home and never had a behavior issue. His teacher last year made the comment to me that "she wished she had a room full of Nathan's".

However, tonight, as I was putting him to bed, he shared with me that he had been in trouble several times this week (his definition of trouble is being called down in front of the class for an infraction of a rule). He struggled to tell me about it and there were many tears. It's perplexing to me. The things that he got called out on were very minor issues but he feels like he has gotten off to a bad start with his teacher.

As a parent, I know my child and I know that this is not a reflection of who he really is. This may be a reflection of a rough start but not a reflection of a deep character issue. I try really hard not to be blind to issues with my kids. As a matter of fact, if it had been the other two kids that told me this I wouldn't have been so perplexed about it, particularly if it was Braden. My kids have never been perfect nor do I expect them to be. However, this just doesn't fit who Nathan is...something is not right.

It's hard to know how to handle issues like this. I reminded him that every other teacher he has ever had has had high praise for him. I encouraged him to keep trying to rise to her standards and to realize that he has to respect her whether he likes her or not. He mentioned wanting to be in another teacher's class and I told him that was not an option. I am a firm believer in kids learning to cope and adjust in all learning situations. This may be a first but it won't be the last time he struggles with a teacher and he needs to learn to adapt.

But, my heart hurts for him. He wants to be successful in school and it is important to him to follow the rules.

I prayed with him tonight and we had a very personal prayer time about this specific situation. I will be praying for him tomorrow that he has a better day. I am hopeful that this is just a bump in the road and not the beginning of a very long and frustrating year.

Parenting is so hard...and I am sure this is minor in comparison to some of the stuff we will eventually deal with....

Lexi's 5 Things in a Bag

It's back to school time. One of Lexi's first assignments was to bring a bag of 5 things that were important to her to share with her class as an introduction. Here is what she brought and what she wrote about each one of them:

1. Picture of the four of us at the beach this summer.

2. Bible

3. Wooden House (small)

4. Picture of her friends at her birthday party.

5. Picture of her and her dad at a Father/Daughter Banquet.

Her words:

"This is the family I love so much. This is the house I couldn't live without. This is the Bible that teaches me what is right and what is wrong. These are my friends that I like so much. This is my dad who now lives in heaven where he is being taken care of. He took me to fun places that I loved so much. I will love him always no matter what."

I tried to give her some editorial input but she was insistent about every word she wrote....gotta love her for that. She has her own ideas and knows what is important to her...and for that I am grateful.

Dear God, I quit.

How's that for a blog post?

While I know that I am not alone, it sure feels like it. And, unless God can help me do laundry, keep the house, or a million other practical things I am pretty much on my own for the forseeable future.

Seriously, I know that God' presence is the only thing that I can depend upon. But, I can't depend on Him to shoulder some of the workload I have. Spiritually speaking, He's here and I am so thankful for His presence in my life. Practically speaking, it's just me to handle everything related to my family of four. And, if I hear one more person tell me how much they need a break or a nap....I might just throw up.

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I am. I don't like being in this whiney mode. It's not me, but it's where I am at right now.

Some of the workload that I have is by my choice. Some of it is by necessity. I struggle to know how to make decisions related to what I choose and what I don't. There are times (and this is one of them) that I ask myself why am I continuing to live in Texas where I have no extended family to help me and the kids. I have chosen to live 5 hours from my family.....I have chosen to push myself to work and go to school. I have chosen to stay in our home and try to maintain a similar standard of living. Maybe I need to rethink some of my choices.

Or, maybe I just need a good nights sleep....and some time to get over this funk....

What I really need is wisdom....God give me wisdom to make decisions that reflect your desire for my life. I don't want to quit, not really....I just want to know that there is a purpose for all that I am doing....I don't mind struggling....I just want to make sure it is the right struggle....

Feeling down....

This week has been an oddly "down" week. With the exception of getting the tax returns done, I have been on edge and stressed the whole week. My kids neeeeeed to go back to school. They have pushed me close to the edge the past few weeks.

I can't quite figure it out. It's not sadness or grief. It's just exhaustion I think. Work has been stressful as we are getting ready for promotion and I have had that hanging over my head for weeks. I am still short some volunteers and that always makes it difficult. I had a hard time getting the help that I needed to even get promotion done. If there was anything that could go wrong or any delay that could happen, it did. I feel less confident about how Sunday is going to go than I have in a long time. Yet, I know I have done everything in my power to get the job done.

I am frustrated that I am doing this alone. It's not a job meant for just one person. It's very difficult to keep all the plates spinning. I am tired of running from plate to plate.

Little things that people say or do irritate me right now. I don't really feel like myself.

I am just down....tired...frustrated...on edge....and lonely.

Some closure...

Tomorrow morning I will mail off the tax returns that have been haunting me for the past three years. My CPA finally finished the 2005 and 2006 corporate returns today.

When Brian died and left his business for me to deal with it was a complete and total nightmare. I can't even begin to describe all of the junk that I had to work through and deal with. It was awful! If there is one thing that I am sure Brian would say that he regretted it would be that he left me to deal with so many issues that I knew nothing about.

It will feel wonderful to mail those returns off. The stress and strain that all that created is finally going to be over with. I will not (hopefully) be getting any more nice reminders from the IRS that we haven't filed the returns. I am relieved and elated that this part of the journey is over.

Yes, I still have a business to run with the rental properties....but I don't have to worry about whether or not we will be able to get the tax returns figured out and filed. And, I have learned a lot along the way. I still can't wait for the party that I will throw someday when I sell the commercial property that has given me so much grief. It will be one heck of a party!!!!!

Closure is a good thing. I am done. It is over. There are no more mysteries to solve. There is nothing left hanging over my head. It is done.


For that.....I am SOOOOO very thankful!

Parenting thoughts....

Just some random thoughts....


Nathan has established a new relationship with the mirror, gel, and my hair-dryer. It seems we have crossed over into the realm of "caring about our hair". I'm not sure I am ready for this. I have a new hair-dryer on my Target list for this week. Sharing just isn't working.

I bought some new hair products the other day. The kids have been mesmerized by them. Who would have thought a new brand of gel, some new shampoo and conditioner, and some frizz-ease/shine enhancer would get so much attention from the kids. They LOVE the conditioner....what a sheltered life they have lived.....they think its some kind of treat.....

Braden remains a huge challenge. Today has been especially difficult. One of the things that is missing is that I have no ally in parenting him. There is no one to put him in his place when he is disrespectful to me. Instead, I have to constantly take up for myself and remind him to be respectful to me. I do my best to stick up for myself...but, tonight, I am just tired of battling with him. I desperately need an ally.....and yet I know that isn't going to happen. I am somewhat discouraged right now with him. Hopefully, this is just another rough patch for him...one that we will both grow through....

I'm doing a paper this semester on "entitlement and overindulgence". Needless to say, the reading that I am doing is giving me pause for thought in how I parent. One of the things that has struck me as significant is that I am going to work on only doing for my kids what they cannot do for themselves. If they are developmentally capable of doing something I am going to ask them to do it. They can pick up their dirty clothes, take their plates to the counter, pack their own lunches, etc. Sometimes it is just easier for me to do it, but that prevents them from learning and accepting responsibility. I think it is probably a fine line between challenging kids to grow and frustrating them. However, for me, I tend not to let them get frustrated....and sometimes a little frustration does them a lot of good.

Not sure all that makes sense, but the reading I am doing has been thought-provoking and challenging.....maybe by the time I write the paper it will make more sense and be more coherent.


Until then....

A Letter to my Younger Self

Letter to myself, Jun 17, 2005 (35 years old)
From Shelly at age 38


Dear Shelly,

You woke up this morning with a different identity than you started with yesterday. I know that you feel like you have had the rug jerked completely out from under you. Let me reassure you and offer you some hope for this moment.

1. You are about to experience love and support like you have never felt before. I believe this is God's way of showing Himself to you during this horrific experience. Every kind deed, every prayer uttered in your behalf, and every generous act of love should be a reminder to you and your children of how much God loves and cares for you.

2. Your children will work through this loss and will learn some valuable lessons along the way. It's not that they won't be affected, they will. They will hurt and they will miss out on the benefit of a two-parent family. However, they will also learn how to rise to the occassion when the chips are down. They will grow to appreciate things that other children have never had to struggle with. It is during times of struggle that growth most often occurs. Your children will be given many opportunities to grow through this.

3. Your family will also rise to the occasion. Trust your dad to help you along the way. Don't be afraid to allow them to help you. They will provide some key wisdom as you deal with many issues you never dreamed you would have to deal with.

4. Brian's mom and dad need you to continue a relationship with them. Although it may be awkward, stay invested with them. They love you and the kids and want the best for you. Give yourself time to heal before you make decisions about how to establish a post-Brian relationship with them.

5. Take it one minute at a time. Don't think too far in the future. This is going to be a marathon experience so don't treat it like its a sprint that will be over soon. You are in for a long, hard fought journey. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. Trust God that He will give you wisdom and discernment. Don't be obsessed with worry. Worry is the price you pay in advance for things that rarely ever occur. You will have the tendency to want to take on the worry of this accident. It will not help anything to be so focused on what you might lose. Instead, focus on grieving your loss and rebuilding your life.

6. This journey will make you a different person with different goals and different passions. Embrace the new dreams God gives you. Don't be afraid to take a risk in changing. Understand that the same God who is taking care of you right now will continue to provide for you all that you will need to do what He has called you to do.

7. Don't be hurt by some of the awkward and inappropriate things people may say to you. Everyone means well, they just don't know what to say or do. Don't be surprised if friendships change or disappear. You are no longer the you that everyone once knew. It will take some time for you to figure out who you are and there will be some people who aren't that interested in the new you. Don't take it personal. On the other hand, you will also find that some of your friends will surprise you at how well they are able to support you and continue a similar relationship. Treasure the friends that God gives you to help you through this.

8. Never, ever, never engage in a conversation with a carpet cleaner....don't ask why, just don't!

9. Realize that you will need help working through this. You may have a master's degree in marriage and family counseling but that doesn't exempt you from needing some major help dealing with this loss. Don't be surprised if you have to completely rethink how you think about God. This experience will cause you to have to question every belief you ever had. However, in the end, your faith will be the foundation upon which you begin rebuilding your life.

10. Understand that you will never get over this. This event will forever impact you and your children. The goal should not be to get over it. Instead, focus all of your efforts on getting through this. There is no getting around the pain and grief you are about to experience. However, I can tell you that this intense pain will not last forever. You will laugh again. You will make some great memories with your children. And, you will be able to look back on this experience and know that it is only because of God's grace and provision that you were able to make it as far as you will some day make it.

Above all else, know that God is with you in this very moment. Psalms tells us that "He is close to the broken-hearted". He's so close to you right now, so very close...and someday you will be able to look back and trace His hand of grace through the people of your church, community and family.

Trust me when I say this, you and your children will be more than just ok....you will rebuild a beautiful life....it won't be easy and you may wish things were different....but through this experience you will learn that life is beautiful, if we but choose to recognize, embrace and treasure that beauty.

What was I thinking?

This afternoon I was getting dinner ready when I looked out my kitchen window and saw a beat up old truck with a trailer pull next to the curb in front of my house. Two rather shady looking men got out. One of them came up to my door and rang the doorbell. Since I had seen them pull up I told my kids not to answer the door because I didn't know who it was. I had to chase Braden down to keep him from answering the door. We all stood there frozen waiting for them to leave. Instead, the man knocked again and rang the doorbell again. Braden dashed over to the door before I could stop him but didn't open it. I scolded him and told him to get back in the living room. He complied but the man had now seen that we were home because Braden made himself fully visible to the man.

The man continued to ring the doorbell and knock. After about 5 rings and 5 knocks I told the kids to go out in the backyard. At this point, the kids are starting to be a little bothered by it too. I stood by the back door waiting to see if they were ever going to leave. My plan was to run out the back door if they tried to force their way in and take the kids out the back gate.

I kept watching and waiting to see what they were going to do. The longer this went on, the more unnerved I felt. They kept ringing the doorbell and knocking. The last straw came when they pushed the doorbell 5 times in a row .. You know, the kind of thing you do when your brother locks you out of your house. My fear then turned into anger. I couldn't believe that these two men were being as obnoxious as they were about getting me to answer the door.

So, I decided I would go out my back door and through the back gate and talk to them from a distance on the front lawn. I came around the corner and one of the men pointed at the other guy and said "here she is". I stayed about 15 feet from them. The man started to tell me that he was a tree service company and.....I interrupted him and said "I'm not interested and I don't appreciate you ringing my door bell so much. If I had wanted to answer it I would have answered a long time ago." They backed off and turned and went to their truck. I didn't hear what they said but I am sure that I was called some sort of ugly name.

It wasn't until after I walked into the house that I realized that probably wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done. What was I thinking? What if I ticked them off and they decide to come back and harrass me again or worse.....not a real wise reaction. My plan was not to be rude to them but that is what happened.

I was angry that they were messing with me and my kids. I was angry that they wouldn't quit ringing my doorbell. My anger cancelled out my fear....until afterwards when I started thinking about what I had just done....

I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I did that. They were large, stocky, rough looking men. I wouldn't have stood a chance with them.

My explanation, I guess, is that you don't mess with a mother and her children....and when it comes down to it, I would fight off anyone I had to to keep my kids safe. And...sometimes, I make foolish choices when I let my anger drive my actions.....

I talked with my neighbor afterwards about it and we decided to get my alarm system functioning. Next time, I'll hit the panic button on my alarm and watch them run for cover....ha!

Swimming anyone?

I went in to see how Braden's bath was going and here is what I found.....just had to snap a picture of him and his goggles....

What to say....

It's been an extremely busy past couple of weeks. Mom was here for a week (woohoo) and then my neighbor's 40th birthday party at my house and now, VBS.

Mom being here was a huge blessing. It's been a long time since she came and stayed a full week. I had forgotten what it was like to have an extra set of hands 24/7. We took the kids school shopping and got them everything they need in one afternoon trip. I was pumped!

Vacation Bible School started last night, and, for the first time since Brian's death, I felt like I really contributed to VBS. We had a community luau and the turnout was better than I had hoped for...it was a highlight in ministry for me. I guess that as I am getting older and more self-aware (ha, ha, that sounds pretty corny) I realize that there are certain things I am good at and certain things that I am terrible at. While are many things I am terrible at, there are a few things that I love doing and can usually be successful at. Planning a big event and pulling a team of people together to make it happen is my favorite thing in minstry to do. I love to see other people use their gifts and shine. Last night was beautiful to watch and very fulfilling to be a part of. I realize that we can't always do what we love, but it sure is fun and cool to see how God can use our gifts to glorify Him.

Personally, for me, it was a victory to get back in the game at VBS. It was a milestone in healing...yes, I will always think of Brian's death when VBS comes around. However, last night was a deliberate and intentional attempt to say 'I want VBS to be about VBS...not about my loss or the feelings that overwhelm me'. I don't know that anyone else but me can understand what I am trying to say....I just know that I want to disconnect VBS from Brian's death, and last night was a huge step forward in doing that.

I am extremely grateful for God's work in my life. I am thankful that He gives us time to heal, and that He can use us even when we are broken.

How do you spell relief? M-e-e-M-a-w

Mom (a.k.a. MeeMaw) arrived today!  Woohoo!  It's so nice to have a second hand around.  We made dinner together, ate dinner together and cleaned it up together.  She distracted Braden when I needed him to be distracted...and made cookies with the older kids this evening.  What more could I ask for?

We love MeeMaw.....yes, we do.

I haven't had Dr. Pepper in about 10 days.  I am drinking more water and my appetite has increased.  Dr. Pepper served as an appetite suppressant for me...strange, I know....but without it, I am hungry all the time.  I am eating fruits and veggies and I am so proud!  I really haven't been taking very good care of myself for a while.....it's been survival mode for so long....and I am glad that I have turned the corner on making some changes.  I'm the only person I know who actually gains weight when they go off Dr. Pepper and even consistent exercise tends to add a few pounds....but healthy pounds are better than an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have been pretty emotional lately....I have gone to bed crying several nights in the past week.  I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I seem to be having a tough time right now.  VBS is almost here and it seems to be stirring up lots of issues for me.  I really thought this year would be different since we are doing it in August.  I know it will be better/easier but the anticipation of it all is harder than I thought....it's like everything comes flashing back and I can't control all of it....I am not falling apart and I don't anticipate a huge meltdown...I'm just struggling right now...and hoping it will ease up....

Yeah!  MeeMaw is here!

Five Days later....

Well, I am still Dr. Pepper free after five days....today is the first day that I have felt pretty decent.  I only took two tylenol all day!  I think the worst is over.  Yipee!!

Sometimes my blog is thoughtful (and maybe deep?) and sometimes my blog is more of a journal.  This post falls into the category of "journaling".  I just wanted to take note of a few things that happened this week or thoughts that I had.

On Thursday my mystery housekeeper arrived before I went to work.  She told me that she was here to do "whatever I needed help with and was to stay as long as I needed her to stay".  I was caught off guard by her desire to do whatever I might need.  I was humbled by her serving spirit.  I felt so undeserving of her help.  I found myself fighting back tears on the way to work thinking about how God has been so good to me during the past three years.  His love has been extravagant....and I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am.  For some reason it's hard for me to accept extravagant love.  I don't feel worthy of it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Nonetheless, God's love is extravagant and I am learning that sometimes He uses other people to show us that extravagant love.  This particular experience is one of many that is the flipside of tragedy.  I have seen a side to God's love (through His people) that many have never seen.  How could I ever deny His love and care for us?

Tonight I watched "College Road Trip" with the kids.  I was drawn into the part of the movie where the parents are telling their daughter good-bye as she starts college.  I remember when I went off to college.  I wouldn't let my parents drive me there and help me unpack.  Looking back, I now understand it was because I hate "good-bye".  I will avoid telling someone goodbye if it means I might get emotional.  I didn't want to get upset when my parents left so I just told them I didn't need them to help me.  Looking back, that was so stupid.  I am sure they were hurt by it,  although I don't remember them being upset about it.  

I never said good-bye to Brian either.  I was given the opportunity to do so at the hospital and then at the funeral home.  I chose not to.  I don't regret that choice.  But, tonight, I saw the pattern in my life in a new light.  However, there is a part of me that is grateful that I didn't have to say a long good-bye.  Is that selfish?  Is that immature?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I just don't know that I could have handled having to say good-bye to him, in the flesh.  

I've said good-bye to Brian in the only way I know how.  I believe that business is finished.

However, it still hurts to think about what that would have been like.  And, though it would have been the hardest thing I ever did....if he had been alive when he arrived at the hospital, I would have gone to him the hospital and I would have said good-bye.....I know I would.  I am just glad I didn't have to.  And....given the circumstances and the condition he was in, I think he is probably glad we didn't have to say good-bye too.

 

My buffer is still missing....

One of the things that I really miss is having someone to be my buffer. Someone to listen to me vent and provide perspective when I need it. Brian served that purpose so well. I've written before that this is one of those difficult things. I am trying to learn to adjust to life without a buffer.

Unfortunately, without a buffer, I sometimes over-react.

I am finding that I say more what is on my mind than I used to when Brian was here. I don't hold back sometimes when I really should let things go.

I also find it more challenging to be flexible. I don't like surprises or last minute assignments. In some ways, that has helped me be more proactive and planned. In other ways, my frustration level rises more quickly than it should.

It is hard to try to balance yourself out......how does God, or anyone else for that matter, expect me to keep my thoughts and actions balanced when I am trying to do it all on my own? I am not trying to excuse my behavior. I am just trying to figure out how I can adapt and adjust myself when there is no spouse to point out my blind spots.

I guess I am struggling right now to find balance in my life.......and it is during these times that I feel alone.....

What I wouldn't give to have someone to come home to......

Letters from Brian...

Braden brought me a handful of letters this afternoon that he found in the filing cabinet in the closet in his room.  The letters were from Brian...I read through them and felt a sense of peace and comfort.  They didn't make me cry....they made me smile.  Some of them were pretty sappy.....but they were his words and its nice to have some of "his words" to remember the love he had for me.

I picked out a few of them to share.....

One of them was on a large sheet of paper and I remember that he put this note on my windshielf for me to find:

"I Love You!!!!  (in big letters)

You are the most wonderful woman that I have ever known; things will be great as long as our love grows.

Brian"

Another one....on a card that he sent me....while we were still dating....

"You are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me!  There is nothing in the world that could ever take your place or anything that I could love more.  Even through the rough times when I feel discouraged or ready to throw in the towel; Deep down I know that there is no one else that would ever mean as much to me than you do.  No matter what obstacles come before us we will prevail, as long as we conquer them together.  

You're the greatest!  I love you!

Brian"

And one more...this one speaks to me....

"Some people are basically strong and can handle misfortune or a loss of direction in their lives more easily than others; you are one of them.  Though your strength may be tested these days.  But, if you remember each day and draw upon the well of hope within your heart, I know you will see this through.  And, when it's hard to hold on, remember, too, that many thoughts and prayers go with you from me and that I love you very, very, very much.....Brian"

Words are powerful....especially when they are from loved ones.  There is just something about having someone's written words to read and remember...

I was reminded today how important it is leave a written legacy of love for those we love.....I guess that is part of why I write this blog....I am trying to leave a written legacy of love for my kids....so that, someday when I'm gone (a very long time from now) they will know how much I loved them, how much their dad loved them and me, and how we did our best to work through our family tragedy.

Lots to process....

It's been a wild couple of weeks.  We have been incredibly busy and have had some amazingly fun times.  Nathan survived his first camp experience and I learned it is WAY more fun to be a counselor than it is to be a camp director.  I was proud of Nathan but a little concerned that I am not so sure he used very good hygiene while at camp....what is it with boys?

We spent the fourth of July at my parents lake house.  We got pulled around on an innertube, shot fireworks, ate YUMMY food, and had some interesting conversations.  For some reason, this particular trip reminded me of the summer that Brian died.  We spent quite a bit of time at the lakehouse right after he died.  I was reminded of a lot of the feelings and issues that were so overwhelming during that time.

My dad and I had a couple of discussions that I am still trying to process.  We were sitting in the porch swing on the balcony of their home looking at the water and all the activity going on in the water.  He began the conversation talking about a business issue he was dealing with and how he felt God had worked through it and how thankful he was that things were working out well.  He then jumped to Brian's death.  Again, as he has done in the past, he told me that he is still struggling with Brian's death.  He doesn't understand why it happened.... And then the more he talked the more I began to struggle emotionally.    It caught me off guard that I was having to fight back the tears.  

Then, he said something new to me that I haven't heard him say before.  He said, "Every time I come to Texas it hurts.  It still hurts and every time I come see you I am reminded of what I saw when I went to Brian's truck after the accident.  I wish I had never gone to see his truck.  I am so glad that you never saw his truck.  I can't get that picture out of my mind.  It still hurts.  I wish I had never seen it."

Whoooosh....out of nowhere the hurt almost overwhelms me....

I don't know how to deal with those kind of statements.  It hurts me that my dad is still struggling but it also just brings those raw emotions to the surface.  Three years later and it still hurts to talk about it....maybe its because I never realized how it impacted my dad...

My parents and I have never really talked a lot about how difficult it was to go through that experience together.  I've often wondered what that five hour ride to Texas was like after they found out the news.  I can't imagine how challenging it was for them to be so involved in our lives that year.  I am not sure why we haven't really talked about it....except that maybe it is just so hard for them still....I got a glimpse of that today when my dad was talking to me....he wasn't talking "at" me...he was exposing some of his pain and struggle and it hit me in a sore spot...

I think I have tended to focus solely on how Brian's death has impacted "me".  I am beginning to understand now that I wasn't the only one affected by it.  I guess that's proof that grief can be a very selfish experience.  I tended to think only of how "I" was dealing with things....and that was enough to keep me overwhelmed.  

The other conversation that caught me off guard was actually a bad reaction that I had to something my dad said.  I was trying to get the kids ready to leave for the four hour roadtrip home and my dad made some mention of all that "we" had to do.  By "we" he meant my mom and himself.  They did have a lot to do to close up the house but the way he was going on and on about it just hit me wrong.  In not one of my finer moments I said "there is no "we", it's just "me"...all "me" and I have to get in the car and drive four hours by myself....and unload by myself....there is no we"  

Where did that come from?  I was angry when I said it....really angry.

I'm not an angry person.....and I don't usually snap at my parents.

Sometimes I feel so proud of how I am handling things....and then sometimes I just want to slap people for whining about things that seem like luxuries to me....I wish I had a "we" to help me....I wish I didn't always get the worst sleeping accommodations because there is only "one" of me and there are "two" of each of my siblings....I wish.....I could go on and on and on....

The point of this post????  It's still difficult sometimes....as much as I would like to think that I will eventually be emotionless about Brian's death, I realized today that will likely never happen.....and I guess I am a little confused about why I jumped down my dad's throat over something as simple as his long list of things they had to get done....

A Braden Moment....

Today, Braden had a cavity filled at the pediatric dentist. He was very intrigued by what all they did to him but had a real problem with the fact that the dentist pinched him. I am assuming that he is talking about how a dentist pinches your cheek to put the shot of numbing agent in. He told me several times about the dentist pinching him and how much it hurt. I tried to explain it the best I could but he wasn't buying it. He didn't think dentists should be pinching people.

So, tonight, he is sitting in the living room talking to himself (no one else is around). This is what he says: "When I grow up I am going to be a dentist....so I can PINCH people". I just happened to overhear it and had a big laugh.

Gotta love him....

A Good Couple of Days

Just a few notable things.....

I enlisted a tutor for Lexi this summer to give us some accountability and to push her a little bit.  I picked her up from the session yesterday and the teacher gave me her evaluation of where she was at.  These were her exact words:  "Lexi is a very strong reader".   I thought I was going to stand up and do my endzone dance.  I told the teacher that we had worked really hard this past year on her reading and she said "well, it shows because she is a very strong reader".   Woooohoooo......high fives all around.  Reading did not come easy for Lexi.  We had to work HARD at it.  (side note: this particular teacher has a reputation for being tough on kids so for her to compliment her was a shock)

Today I inquired about doing a directed study with my counselor (who is also a professor) related to crisis counseling.  The response was very positive and I am excited about the vision that I have for what I want to develop/study during the Spring semester.  I have all kinds of ideas and dreams...I am sure many of them will change or be adjusted but I see lots of potential and I am super excited about it.

Today I had an interesting phone call.  I was told today that someone felt led to have someone clean my house on an every other week basis for the next six months.  The person who is funding it wished to remain anonymous.   I am blown away.  I feel very overwhelmed by it.  I am still trying to process it and the only thing I can come up with is that God is reminding me that he will give me everything I need in order to do what it is that He has called me to do.  Earlier this year, I was given a summer's worth of free lawn care.  It has been a HUGE blessing not to have to mow every week.  I feel so blessed and unworthy of the generosity of people.  I don't deserve all that has been given to me.  I really don't.  This is the part of the journey that other people don't always see or understand.  Yes, I have been through a horrific tragedy.  But, I have also experienced God's provision and grace in so many tangible ways.  There is no telling how long the book would be if I sat down and wrote every nice thing that has been done for me or the kids over the past three years.  There aren't words to describe what that has done for me and my confidence in God's presence in my life.  He has used people to remind me of His care and comfort.  I could never deny God's love for me and the kids....He has made it so obvious to me that He has been close to us through this whole ordeal. 

Things have been just moving along so easily lately.....I don't expect that to become the norm, but I am very grateful for the calm waters.

The familiar new me

The past week I have felt so good.  I don't know if it is post-anniversary relief or if this is a "familiar new me" emerging.  While I feel a lot like my old self, I also see a new me that I am finding to be acceptable.

Everyone told me there would be a new normal....very few people mentioned a "new me" that might emerge.  

I recognize the "familiar" me in the way I am dreaming again and desiring challenges to pursue.  

To use an analogy.....I am walking forward confidently with very few obstacles in sight.  For so long after Brian's death I either went backwards or crawled.  Progress was hard to recognize.  Then I began taking a few steps forward at a time....then falling back some....then getting back up and trying again....every time I made a little forward progress something happened to set me back.  It was frustrating.  

It feels so good to be moving forward.  

I feel like I have worked through just about all of the things related to grieving Brian's death that I can.  The rest, I believe, can only be done as life unfolds.  There are very few remaining "issues" that bother me to the point of needing to work through it.  There are still a lot of questions that have no answer.  There are still times when I feel so alone.  There are still frustrations and regret about being a single parent.  I don't like the circumstances of my life but my life is not defined by those circumstances anymore.  I am rebuilding a useful, joyous and purposeful life.  I have done the hard part of making sure the foundation is solid and well-engineered.  The structure is starting to emerge and the beauty from the ashes is becoming more evident.

This is one of those times when I take a glance back and I see how far we have come and it encourages me and inspires me to go further and maybe a little faster.

I don't know what God is doing in my life but he seems to be stirring some things up in me that haven't been touched in a long time.  For that, I am grateful.

Three Cheers For My Kids!!!

Today was a fun day, but also a proud day for me. Lexi went swimming at the city pool with our neighbor and jumped off the high dive several times for the first time ever. Who knew she would/could do that? I am shocked that she did it, but also proud she tried something new and risky.

Nathan and Braden and I went to a lake party this evening with a group from our church. Both of the boys rode behind the boat on intertubes and got tossed and thrown high in the air over the waves and the other kids hanging on at the same time. They laughed and squealed with delight. I was amazed at how well they handled getting thrown off in the middle of the lake. I had a blast watching them be successful at something that looked pretty hairy at times. They came home telling tall stories about how they manhandled the intertube and caught some air.

All three of them pushed themselves today and they were successful....which creates confidence for them to continue to try new things...for that I am grateful.

And, it also hit me today that my kids need people in their life to drive the boat a little faster sometimes....I tend to try to keep things safe and comfortable for them.....I was reminded today that it is important to push the envelope a little here and there....it helps them grow....and maybe I need to learn how to find the healthy balance of safety/security and risk/growth.....

My head is full....

The past couple of days my mind has been full of thoughts and dreams.  I kept thinking about that quote from the movie "The Rookie" where the dad tells him "it's ok to think about what you want to do someday until its time to start doing what you were meant to do".  I can't get that out of my head.

I believe there are some new things that I am meant to do that I am not currently doing.  I am having a hard time discerning whether the vision is of God or just a wild "shelly" idea.  I suppose time will sift through the ideas and what is meant to be will be.

I think God may be leading me to be a part of some type of young widow ministry.  I was thinking today how neat it would be to start some type of "grief camp" in the DFW area.  To my knowledge, there is no such thing available to young families with children who experience the loss of a parent (in our immediate area).  

The problem, of course, is time and resources.  I can barely do all I am doing now in terms of time.  And, resources, well that would be a God sized obstacle.

Who knows....maybe it is just a phase of thinking I am going through.....

I'll keep pondering.....

What a difference three years makes....

It's been a strangely peaceful week for me. The emotions have been very manageable and almost non-existent. I haven't had to relive the week quite like I have had to the past two years. Our VBS isn't until August and so that tie-in has been absent and the drama factor has gone way, way down. I am thankful for that.

Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I haven't been emotional about it. I don't even feel bad that I don't feel emotional about it. It is just another day now. I suppose that is evidence of healing?? It's not that I don't wish things were different. I do. I hate the fact that we will never celebrate our 20th or 25th or 50th. I guess I could spent the rest of my life thinking that wasn't fair (which it isn't) or I can try to accept and appreciate our marriage for what it was...not what it could have been or should have been. It was what it was....and now life is what it is.....

I truly believe that my focus needs to be on the present and future and not on the past. I have nothing to gain by always looking in the rearview mirror. I am trying to keep my eyes fixed ahead.

Brian's parents came into town last night and spent the night. It was ok. Again, I didn't feel emotional but I did enjoy talking with them. They are very supportive and encouraging. I don't even really feel like I need to prove my loyalty to them anymore. I think we have developed a post-Brian relationship that is healthy and positive for me and the kids. For that, I am very grateful. We always had a great relationship, but I feel like they are giving me room to change and grow. I don't feel like they want me to keep everything the same....how that happens I am not sure but we seem to have made a transition in our relationship.

My mom is coming in tonight late and I have to pick her up at the airport. I won't have time to really think about the fact that it is our anniversary....I'll be too tired to cry about it when I get home.....and, to be honest, I don't feel the need to be sad about it. I hope that isn't because I am trying to shut off the emotions. I think it is just another sign of the pain subsiding....and for that, yep, I am grateful.

Three years makes a lot of difference. I am thankful for the time that has passed. I look forward to where I will be at this time next year.

Father's Day, Anniversary of his death and our wedding anniversary....they all come within about 5 days of each other every year. We've made it past year three and for that I am grateful....and hopeful!!!