The familiar new me

The past week I have felt so good.  I don't know if it is post-anniversary relief or if this is a "familiar new me" emerging.  While I feel a lot like my old self, I also see a new me that I am finding to be acceptable.

Everyone told me there would be a new normal....very few people mentioned a "new me" that might emerge.  

I recognize the "familiar" me in the way I am dreaming again and desiring challenges to pursue.  

To use an analogy.....I am walking forward confidently with very few obstacles in sight.  For so long after Brian's death I either went backwards or crawled.  Progress was hard to recognize.  Then I began taking a few steps forward at a time....then falling back some....then getting back up and trying again....every time I made a little forward progress something happened to set me back.  It was frustrating.  

It feels so good to be moving forward.  

I feel like I have worked through just about all of the things related to grieving Brian's death that I can.  The rest, I believe, can only be done as life unfolds.  There are very few remaining "issues" that bother me to the point of needing to work through it.  There are still a lot of questions that have no answer.  There are still times when I feel so alone.  There are still frustrations and regret about being a single parent.  I don't like the circumstances of my life but my life is not defined by those circumstances anymore.  I am rebuilding a useful, joyous and purposeful life.  I have done the hard part of making sure the foundation is solid and well-engineered.  The structure is starting to emerge and the beauty from the ashes is becoming more evident.

This is one of those times when I take a glance back and I see how far we have come and it encourages me and inspires me to go further and maybe a little faster.

I don't know what God is doing in my life but he seems to be stirring some things up in me that haven't been touched in a long time.  For that, I am grateful.