It's been a strangely peaceful week for me. The emotions have been very manageable and almost non-existent. I haven't had to relive the week quite like I have had to the past two years. Our VBS isn't until August and so that tie-in has been absent and the drama factor has gone way, way down. I am thankful for that.
Today would have been our 15th wedding anniversary. I haven't been emotional about it. I don't even feel bad that I don't feel emotional about it. It is just another day now. I suppose that is evidence of healing?? It's not that I don't wish things were different. I do. I hate the fact that we will never celebrate our 20th or 25th or 50th. I guess I could spent the rest of my life thinking that wasn't fair (which it isn't) or I can try to accept and appreciate our marriage for what it was...not what it could have been or should have been. It was what it was....and now life is what it is.....
I truly believe that my focus needs to be on the present and future and not on the past. I have nothing to gain by always looking in the rearview mirror. I am trying to keep my eyes fixed ahead.
Brian's parents came into town last night and spent the night. It was ok. Again, I didn't feel emotional but I did enjoy talking with them. They are very supportive and encouraging. I don't even really feel like I need to prove my loyalty to them anymore. I think we have developed a post-Brian relationship that is healthy and positive for me and the kids. For that, I am very grateful. We always had a great relationship, but I feel like they are giving me room to change and grow. I don't feel like they want me to keep everything the same....how that happens I am not sure but we seem to have made a transition in our relationship.
My mom is coming in tonight late and I have to pick her up at the airport. I won't have time to really think about the fact that it is our anniversary....I'll be too tired to cry about it when I get home.....and, to be honest, I don't feel the need to be sad about it. I hope that isn't because I am trying to shut off the emotions. I think it is just another sign of the pain subsiding....and for that, yep, I am grateful.
Three years makes a lot of difference. I am thankful for the time that has passed. I look forward to where I will be at this time next year.
Father's Day, Anniversary of his death and our wedding anniversary....they all come within about 5 days of each other every year. We've made it past year three and for that I am grateful....and hopeful!!!
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I wondered if today was your anniversary. I also thought about asking you how you were handling things this week. Now I know the answer to both of those questions.
I think that based on what you wrote and how I've seen you this week, you are healing. It sounds like you are definetly moving forward and making a new life for yourself and your kiddos. Others are accepting of your new journey that you are on and are giving you the room you need to explore new dreams.
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