Three years later....

I remember sitting in my bathroom with my back against the counter with my head in my hands wondering how I would ever make it through what had just happened. I remember my mom and dad coming through my front door about 5 hours after the news hit (they live in Oklahoma and got here as fast as they could). We embraced and I fell apart. I remember my dad pulling me back into my bedroom with my mom and sitting on the bed sobbing while he held me. There were all kinds of people in my house that night and he wanted to talk with me privately. He had lots of questions and concerns and the longer we talked the calmer I felt myself getting. My dad told me in no uncertain terms that he would take care of me and the kids no matter what happened. He told me that he would make sure we had everything we ever needed. I remember him saying "Shelly, no one is going to hurt you and your babies...no one Shelly....look at me, no one is going to get to you because they are going to have to go through me first....." I already knew that the wreck had been Brian's fault and I was terrified that there was going to be a huge lawsuit and that I wouldn't be able to take care of the financial needs that we would have. Brian made a split second mistake that took his life and injured two other people. We all make mistakes, most of them don't have the kind of ramifications this mistake had.

I also remember a lady from my church coming to visit me that night. She had lost her husband at about the same age as me and had three small children at the time of her husband's death. I remember seeing her and immediately wanting to talk to her and hear what she had to say. She hugged me and I told her "I just don't know what to do". She told me "this will be the hardest thing you have ever faced but you will make it through this." She didn't sugar coat it but she also gave me some hope that night. It was hope that I desperately needed. I appreciate her willingness to come see me and offer her support. I didn't know her real well but I knew some of her story and respected her a great deal before Brian's death.

If I said it once that day I said it at least 50 times...."I don't know what to do....I don't know what to do".....For me, not knowing what to do was so frightening. I was completely lost....completely blown away....unable to think clearly....unable to rest or relax....it was the most horrific experience of my life.

I look back now and wonder how I made it through those first few days and weeks. I was consumed with worry....heartbroken....and completely overwhelmed. Brian left me two businesses to deal with and I had no clue about either one of them. I wasn't even on the checking account for either business so we had no way to get to the money until I went through probate almost 3 months later. It was a nightmare.

There is no explanation for how I made it through that nightmare except by the grace of God. My blog is aptly titled "evidence of grace". There is no doubt that is only by God's grace and mercy that we are where we are today. I found God's grace in the friends and family who have walked beside me in this journey. I found God's grace in the people of my church who gave me an experience I will never, ever forget. I have never in all my life felt more loved and supported than I did those first few days and weeks. I could write a book about all the ways God used the people in my church to minister to me and the kids. Literally, it would be a book. It was absolutely the most amazing, overwhelming sense of God's grace that I have ever experienced.

So, three years later...where am I in this journey? I am further than I ever thought possible. I am dreaming again. I am living in the moment. My kids are doing well. They have been unbelievably resilient. They still hurt and the impact is huge, but they are thriving. I have found a new normal and I am content with it. Sure there are many days when I feel alone, but, I know I can't go back...my only choices are to stay stuck or to move forward. I am choosing to move forward. It feels ok now to think about moving forward. I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I realize that it is because of Brian's love and influence that we are able to move forward. There is no unfinished business with Brian. There is, however, much unfinished business in my life in terms of the life I am building with my three kids.

I do still feel a little uncomfortable with the whole "single parent" role I am now in. I don't like it but I am learning to do it. I wish I didn't have to parent my kids alone. But, that is what is being required of me right now and I am trying to do the very best job that I can.

I still hate being a landlord. I am hopeful that someday soon I will have an opportunity to sell the properties that I have. Until then, I am trying to do the best job that I can.

Where do I hope to be this time next year?  I hope that God's grace continues to guide me and minister to me.  I hope that my kids continue to thrive.  I hope that God continues to teach me new things about Himself and His faithfulness.  I pray that I will have the courage to follow His lead in my life.

My relationship with God has undergone a lot of adjustments.  I have had to redefine my faith.  God didn't change but the way I think about Him has changed.  I believe my understanding of Him has grown in positive ways.  However, it has been a painfully slow process.  I have questioned His ways....but I have never been able to question His character.  For that....I am extremely grateful.....

We are where we are today because we took it one moment, one hour, one day, one week, one month and one year at a time.  We worked through mountains of paperwork one piece of paper at a time.  We closed out Brian's home building business one transaction at a time.  We solved problems in Granbury one issue at a time.   I began to heal one day at a time.  I have now spent almost three years in grief counseling.  I showed up for every appointment.  I never canceled one session.    I worked hard at trying to heal.  I will continue to work hard at overcoming this tragedy in my life......because......I made a promise early on to myself and to my family that "we were going to be more than just ok".  And.... We REALLY ARE "more than just ok"....we have more than survived this.....Brian's death will not define me but God has used it to refine me.....and for that, yes, I am grateful....

There is much refining left to do......I have come a long way but there is still a long ways to go.....may God continue to give me grace for the journey.....