A look back....

In two weeks it will have been three years since Brian's death. I have been looking through some old journals and thought I would share some of them here. I have three handwritten journals that I used shortly after his death. I didn't start blogging until much later on. I think I want to have them recorded electronically as well as the handwritten ones so that I can be sure my kids are able to read them at a point in their life where it might be helpful.

Here are some of the things I jotted down just a couple of days after his death....they are very random and not all that organized or coherent, but here is what was going through my mind....

6/22/2005

I can't see past tomorrow.....I can't think past today....the pain of this moment almost carries me away....

Tragedy has no boundaries and follows no predictable path.

How I respond will impact my children.

This tragedy will not define who I am or who I become---it only defines the circumstances of my life right now.

His presence is more powerful than the pain I am experiencing.

God, if there is a way for this tragedy to be used for your glory, then I pray it would. Help my children see your love through all these people who are ministering to us right now.


6/26/2005

I am ready to go back home to Texas. We will leave this morning. I miss the routine and the comfortable surroundings. It will be hard to walk back through the door and face the reality of the loss we have experienced. I pray for God's continued comfort and peace.

(that night...) We are back home. It feels pretty good to be here but a little overwhelming. I was immediately drawn back into all the worries and concerns surrounding our lives right now. I wish so badly that the wreck had not been Brian's fault. Everything would have been so much simpler. I can't seem to shake off all the worries about the legal ramifications of the wreck. I came to a peace tonight when I was finally able to say..."no matter what happens. No matter what I may lose materially or financially, I'm still one of the riches people I know---rich in love and memories that can never be taken away."

6/27/2005

Today was a hard day. We spent all day long meeting with people, gathering facts, asking questions and trying to make some decisions. Anxiety is my enemy right now. I find it difficult to relax and be still. My mind swirls with questions and fears. Please God protect me and provide for the other people who were injured. I know you can make all things work together for your God.

God, through this experience you are giving me a voice and an influence to share my testimony of your grace. Help me to be faithful to you and willing to share this experience with others. God, I pray you would guide my future. Help me to know where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to become. Thank you for the gift of my children. Help me to be sensitive to their needs right now.

6/28/2005

A really tough day. Lots of legal battles/issues ahead. Conclusion I came to: When everything is said and done, whatever I have will be enough.

I'm not sleeping---too many thoughts---need to get some rest but I just can't.

God, you know the legal and financial issues that are before me---please help me to trust you with the results.

6/29/2005

When I go out in public I have this paranoia that people are staring at me and thinking "that's the lady whose husband was killed in a car accident..." Those kind of thoughts are not healthy. I also dread seeing anyone I know. I dread it when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door...it feels like another slap in the face of reality that something tragic has happened in our lives.....the numbness is still there...I try to block out the pain and loneliness...someday it will catch up with me...I pray I will be strong enough to handle it.


6/30/2005

Today was my best day yet. I got my first night of good sleep and that made all the difference in the world.

We went next door for ice cream and to let the kids play on the waterslide. Kelli was concerned it would be too painful for me to see them playing on it since Brian had just bought it for them. I told her no I just wanted to see the kids happy.

Nathan had a few outbursts today. I don't know if he was tired or if some of this is beginning to hit home. He got mad at Lexi for sitting in his booster seat and yelled at her "that's the seat my daddy bought for me". I am sure the days ahead will continue to be tougher as reality sets in.

I went up to the church today to try to help Laura with devotions for camp and reassure her that it would be a great week. It felt really good to see everyone, laugh a little, work a little...I felt like I had accomplished something and was needed.


7/04/2005

There are times when all I do is stare out into space. I play over and over in my head all that has happened. I replay the conversation I had with Stephanie when she called. I replay every moment at the hospital. I remember feeling like my legs went out from under me when the Dr. came in and told me the news. I remember coming out of the restroom a few minutes later and saying to Laura "I think my whole life just changed....."



Those are a few of the posts just days/weeks after his death.....I may continue to post others....mainly to add to this digital record I have of the journey....

Most of the things I worried about never came to fruition. The other men in the accident made full recoveries and were able to settle with my insurance company without having to bring a lawsuit against Brian's estate. Many of my prayers were answered. I can look back and see His faithfulness and goodness and mercy and comfort and...and...and....I could go on....and for that I am so grateful.

Looking back stirs up the memories but it also reminds me of how far we have come....and I think when I can look back and recognize God's hand instead of focusing so much on the painful memories...that's when I know I have done a lot of healing....and for that I am extremely grateful.