My journal about the kids....

In addition to the three journals I wrote, I also wrote in a separate journal about my kids and their experience with Brian's death. Here are some of the questions and comments that the kids made to me during those first few days and weeks:

Lexi: Is daddy going to come back alive like Jesus did? How did daddy get to heaven?

Nathan: We are going to have to get someone else to do the music for AWANA.

Nathan: I wish there hadn't been any cars on the road.

Lexi: The people who crashed into him were mean.

Lexi: Are we at heaven? She asked me this when we got out of the car at the cemetary for the burial. She was also in a hurry to "see the box that daddy was in". She wanted to know why we couldn't open the box. "How is daddy in heaven if his body is in the box? Can we go to heaven and pick him up? Why can't he come home from heaven? Can we go to heaven now?"

Lexi: My daddy is in heaven. He has a new body.

Lexi: Mommy, why have you been crying this week?

Lexi: How does God make him alive again and how does he make a new body? Does it hurt when God gets his spirit out of his body? Does God cut his spirit out? Where does he get his spirit out? His legs or his head?

6-22-2005

Lexi: Is God going to make us a new daddy? I want God to make me a new daddy.

At one point I was trying to reassure the kids that we were still going to do fun things and that we were going to be a happy family. Lexi asked, "Do YOU know how to get to Six Flags?" She knew that her daddy always drove when we went to Six Flags so I guess she was making sure I knew the way.

6-24-2005

Nathan had an accident in the middle of the night. He had already washed his underwear out and was trying to clean up the mess when I heard him and woke up.

6-26-2005

Lexi is talking a lot about it. Nathan is saying very little. Braden keeps asking for his daddy. They are still acting like kids---playing, swimming, fishing....

I am trying to be very open about it. I encourage whatever they say. I don't want them to be afraid to talk about their daddy. We will keep his memory alive.

6-27-2005

Not a lot to write about today. nathan is not talking about it very much. Lexi has not had as many questions. I was very preoccupied today with "business stuff" and I wasn't as in tune with their needs and discussions. I don't know if the reality has really hit them yet. I am sure that when everything calms down things will be tough.

My main goal for them is to work through whatever feelings they have without feeling hopeless. I want them to understand more about the love of God through this. I want them to know why everyone is being so nice to us...because of the love of God.

6-28-2005

Nathan wanted to pray for daddy tonight in his bedtime prayers...it caught me off guard a bit so I just prayed that God would take good care of daddy. We talked just a little bit about missing him.

Nathan had another accident while he was swimming with some friends. I don't know if this is related or not but it is the second time in a week.

Braden sees a red truck, any red truck and says "daddy's truck" I just say no, that's not daddys truck. Not sure what else to say...he can't understand the reality of death.


7-1-2005

Today seemed to be a tough day for the kids. nathan was on edge about everything...any little thing set him off. Lexi keeps complaining about a tummy ache..I don't know if all of this is making her tummy hurt or what...Braden continues to get excited when he sees a red truck.

Nathan made a note and gave it to me that said "I love dad" I told him how proud I was of him, told him that anytime he feels like he needs to talk about his daddy, write about daddy, draw about daddy, etc...that that is how we would remember him and get through this.

When we were at my parents house Lexi heard a message on my parents answering machine that said something about "Brian". She asked who was that, was that daddy, was he calling us from heaven? She is still trying to figure it out. She told someone that she was crying because somebody ran over my daddy.

Lexi wanted to sleep with me last night. I finally gave in but I don't want to go backwards in their sleeping routines.

7-2-2005

Nathan told me that he played some notes on the piano that sounded like "I love daddy" I keep encouraging him to do and say things like that.

Lexi thinks that if God would give daddy a new truck he could come back home.


7-3-2005

Every morning the first thing out of Braden's mouth is "daddy, daddy, where's daddy?" All I know to say is He's not here, he's not here. I can't say it yet to him. I just can't get the words out to him that daddy is dead. So, I just say daddy isn't here. He can't understand it yet.....and for some reason I am having an extremely difficult time knowing how to address Braden's questions...I don't know if I am doing the right thing or making things worse....I am so lost....