Reflections on Father's Day

I was in the car driving 12 hours today from Florida to Texas. In between refereeing the spats in the back of the Tahoe, I had quite a bit of time to reflect on our vacation, on Father's Day and on the 3 year anniversary of Brian's death (tomorrow, June 16th).

My thoughts varied from sadness to gratitude to determination. I have chosen to be on vacation for each of the past three Father's Days. I see no point in making my kids go to church where they would most likely be asked to make some type of Father's Day gift or card. It's just not an obstacle I have wanted to overcome. I am sure there will come a time when that will feel "ok" but it wasn't this year.

So, there is definitely sadness. I wish my kids still had his influence and love. I can't help but think there will be some significant impact on their lives as they grow up without their father. Most of the time I choose to put these worries in the back of my mind. Father's Day forces the issue and forces me to think about it.

But, there is also gratitude. I am so grateful for Brian's life and his devotion to me and the kids. In as much as I know my kids are missing out on his influence, I am also keenly aware that the impact of his life will never be forgotten or adequately measured. He was one of the best Father's I have ever known. I remember when we first started dating and it seemed to be getting pretty serious. I have to admit that one of the things that most attracted me to him (besides his cute legs) was the fact that I could just tell he was going to be an awesome father. In my list of what I wanted in a husband it was extremely important that whoever I marry love children....and Brian fit the bill perfectly. He was so gentle and patient with the kids. His parenting skills were one of his greatest strengths and I loved him for that!

Finally, there is some determination. I was listening to the movie "The Rookie" in the car on the way home (the kids were watching it) when I heard this statement made by the Rookie's dad....."it's ok to think about what you want to do someday, until it's time to start doing what you were meant to do..." I've got some dreams and desires...and I think it's time to start doing some of them. Starting back to school was a big step in the right direction. I will continue to work slowly at my education. However, I think there are some things that I am "meant" to do that I need to start "doing". Some of that is yet to be revealed, but some of it I already know....I am determined to do whatever it is that I was "meant" to do in life. I don't think it means any big, major changes in my life right now.....but there might come a time when I need to take a risk and make some bold moves. I want to allow God to use the circumstances of my life to bring Him glory. God has been faithful to me and I want to be faithful to Him.

I posted this picture (see above) because it represents some of who I am becoming. This was taken yesterday on a boat in Destin where we were taking a break from snorkeling (gotta love how I look when I have just spent an hour floating around in salt water). I woke up on Saturday not really knowing what we would do for the day. The kids wanted to go to a waterpark in Destin. I didn't want to do that but I did want to find something special to do on our last day in Destin. To make a long story short, we ended up going snorkeling and having the time of our life. Why is that important? I didn't realize it until today (on my LOOOOONG drive home) but I have actually learned how to be a little spontaneous and risky. To be sure, spontaneity is not an adjective that anyone who knows me well would describe me as. I plan everything. I weigh the pros and cons....calculate the risk and expense and then make my decision. Brian, on the other hand, was the fun and spontaneous parent. It has been challenging for me to try to take on some of that role. But, I did it yesterday and I actually enjoyed it. It was risky in the sense that I had no idea if the kids would like it or would even be able to do it. I didn't know anything about the company that we went out with and we did it all on our own. This is huge progress for me. It may sound silly....but I am proud of myself for taking the risk and being spontaneous. I asked the kids on the way home what their favorite thing was that we did.....yep, it was "snorkeling". We created a great memory as our little family of four. I will never forget their squeals of delight as they saw so many different fish. We had a BLAST!!!

So, those are my reflections on this Father's Day 2008. Sadness, gratitude, determination and even a little dose of risk and spontaneity.

Tomorrow it will be three years. Some reflections on three years in the next post.