Five Days later....

Well, I am still Dr. Pepper free after five days....today is the first day that I have felt pretty decent.  I only took two tylenol all day!  I think the worst is over.  Yipee!!

Sometimes my blog is thoughtful (and maybe deep?) and sometimes my blog is more of a journal.  This post falls into the category of "journaling".  I just wanted to take note of a few things that happened this week or thoughts that I had.

On Thursday my mystery housekeeper arrived before I went to work.  She told me that she was here to do "whatever I needed help with and was to stay as long as I needed her to stay".  I was caught off guard by her desire to do whatever I might need.  I was humbled by her serving spirit.  I felt so undeserving of her help.  I found myself fighting back tears on the way to work thinking about how God has been so good to me during the past three years.  His love has been extravagant....and I shouldn't be surprised by that, but I am.  For some reason it's hard for me to accept extravagant love.  I don't feel worthy of it.  It makes me feel guilty.  Nonetheless, God's love is extravagant and I am learning that sometimes He uses other people to show us that extravagant love.  This particular experience is one of many that is the flipside of tragedy.  I have seen a side to God's love (through His people) that many have never seen.  How could I ever deny His love and care for us?

Tonight I watched "College Road Trip" with the kids.  I was drawn into the part of the movie where the parents are telling their daughter good-bye as she starts college.  I remember when I went off to college.  I wouldn't let my parents drive me there and help me unpack.  Looking back, I now understand it was because I hate "good-bye".  I will avoid telling someone goodbye if it means I might get emotional.  I didn't want to get upset when my parents left so I just told them I didn't need them to help me.  Looking back, that was so stupid.  I am sure they were hurt by it,  although I don't remember them being upset about it.  

I never said good-bye to Brian either.  I was given the opportunity to do so at the hospital and then at the funeral home.  I chose not to.  I don't regret that choice.  But, tonight, I saw the pattern in my life in a new light.  However, there is a part of me that is grateful that I didn't have to say a long good-bye.  Is that selfish?  Is that immature?  I don't know.  Maybe.  I just don't know that I could have handled having to say good-bye to him, in the flesh.  

I've said good-bye to Brian in the only way I know how.  I believe that business is finished.

However, it still hurts to think about what that would have been like.  And, though it would have been the hardest thing I ever did....if he had been alive when he arrived at the hospital, I would have gone to him the hospital and I would have said good-bye.....I know I would.  I am just glad I didn't have to.  And....given the circumstances and the condition he was in, I think he is probably glad we didn't have to say good-bye too.